HBH,

Please pay particular attention to something that Pep just said.

The reality is that it does not "make sense" nor were his thoughts "logical". These are often decisions made from deep within someone, looking for something and they cannot even define it. This is why BOUNDARIES are so important. They protect even if things don't make sense or the person cannot define what they are feeling.

God Bless,

JL

Sleep should improve but in the meantime, have you considered anything like Ambien? I don't know if you and WH have gone to the doctors for STD testing but you can inquire about ADs as well. Not the best doctor visit you'll have in your life but it can bring you some peace of having one less thing to worry about. If you can fit in an afternoon nap, you might feel a little better too.

The picture is becoming clearer....

""compete with younger guys (he played semi-pro football)""

""...I tell him no more tattoos..""

A tatted up jock losing his edge...this explains much about his cavalier attitude toward women and their purpose here on earth for us macho dudes. I have been in enough locker rooms and have/had enough jock pals, to know there is an underlying mentallity amongst them concerning sex, women, and the sport of...well what ever one wants to call it.

What I can not place in the time line, HBH, is when was he this mean and vindictive A-hole, ruining the biz and bragging to all that would listen? Right after Dday or before?

BRAGGING is another jock passtime which kind of ties it together.

It's their attitude toward women. Playing sports ever since grade school, through high school (intense)then college (mucho intense) then semi-pro or professional ball (max intense)the macho, jock brotherhood gets stronger the farther they go.

So your H was indoctrinated into this mind set at an early age I imagine. It doesn't excuse anything of course, but it does explain some of his actions.

On another note: How do Arabs make love?....... Intents!! ..sorry

kirk

Black Raven is right. You must have some sleep. When I was at your stage of recovery, my C said that I should take Ambien or Simply Sleep--something to ensure that my mind and body got the rest it needed to make it through the next day. I guess I spent about two months on Ambien. I'd never had sleep issues before. I didn't get addicted to the meds. Being rested will give you the strength to handle things more calmly.

Yepme too. For some reasom I feel that if I can understand this stuff, I can avoid it.Truth is I understand it perfectly. I was maried to a flawed, connscienceles person and this was bound ro happen.
The tats and football: I agre with krusht. He is really immature.

Kirk,

The bragging and all was before D-Day...and I "feel" like he was ruining the business...but in fairness, I am not objective...its not like he was stealing money or clients or anything...he does the marketing for the business...and instead of doing his job, he was doing our nanny....AND he told me he had too much work on his plate, so I basically kept taking more and more responsbility off of him during the course of the PA until he basically did nothing...

BUT since D-day, nothing like that, he works harder than ever and hasn't talked to any of his "buddies"...I have read many, many posts where WS didn't just snap out of it...my WH lacks some empathy, but he hasn't put me through a lot of BS since D-Day....thank God, because what he did during the PA is enough for me to deal with...

"Either way, I have three children with him and he is in my life FOREVER."

Why?

Think about what you really mean here.

Because WH doesn't just "go away" with a divorce...he will always be in my life because of our children. Obviously in a different capacity, if I chose D, but still in my life. There are birthdays, school programs, sports, I can't even list it all..I just think our lives are intertwined regardless...

Went to dinner tonite with friends...TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

I am seriously considering hynoptism....has anyone out there tried this???? I just simply do not want to think about this PA 24/7...I can't even carry on a normal conversation...

Hi Aphelion - Miss you.........

I think the first mistake the poster made was to hire a young nanny. We've seen over and over on this site where the OW was a nanny, babysitter, a woman friend brought into the house because she had no where to live.

Over time, there is intimacy, and boundaries start disappearing.

I'm not excusing hubby. He failed to make good choices, and right now doesn't seem to get it. But I tend to want to give him a break and have hope for the marriage. He is just like a thousand other WS's who have posted here.

HBH,

Take a look at the Managing Memories link in my sig line. I don't know how much help it will be, but it discusses a technique for learning to short circuit the emotional reactions to memory by changing what you are thinking about, as in actively changing your thoughts BEFORE the emotions come flooding back.

This seems to work because whenever we remember the details of an event the emotional content of the memory lags behind by a minute and a half to two minutes. If we recognize the pattern before the emotions overwhelm us, we can actually think about something else and so prevent the emotions from showing up or at least replacing them quickly with better feelings.

Mark

Mark,

Thanks for the link...I read it and am going to start applying those techniques...maybe it will help me regain a sense of control which is so desperately lacking in my life....

SMB and I rarely went anywhere with any friends in order to avoid these triggering situations.

Do these friends know about the A?



A Labotomy is about the only way I know to wash all these memories away...... But all the real ones and all the good ones disappear as well.......

And yes, in time, the real and the good memories will reappear!


HbH, you are going to think about this 24/7 for a long time...... But I promise that The Harley's will give you and your H some tools that will help with the trauma care you require now.
Hang in there!

{{{{{{HBH}}}}}}

hbh, you're looking for something to remove this memory from you, and it just isn't out there, or none of us would be here So you're going to have to reach down, deep within you, and pull out that part of you that is there to take care of you emotionally. You've got it in there. You can do this. It's going to be hard at first, but it does get better.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you needs AD's or sleep meds, get them. Do what you can to stay healthy. Being able to sleep is key.

No, I haven't told any of my friends...WH friends all know, but he just doesnt have contact with them anymore. No one in my family knows either.

The A ended on D-day, before I found MB and heard of "exposing"...but in our case, I just think it would hurt my family to find out...only a few male members (high-fivers know) of his family know...

WH had dinner planned last nite...friends called and invited us out, I just should have said no...one close friend is VERY suspicious of why I fired OW...all our friends and family knew OW very well because we brought her everywhere with us and I really depended on her alot, SO of course a lot of questions when I fire the person who I always said "made my life so much easier" ICK ICK ICK

So tell them why?

Yes tell them!

Karma,

Not sure if I understood the question...but I don't intend on telling anyone about the PA or our current sitch until I figure out what WH is going to do...

It just causes me to be uncomfortable in social settings since no one knows (i.e. if friends knew, they wouldn't talk about OW, they wouldn't talk about Tiger Woods drama, John Edwards drama, etc...because friends would know its a touchy subject for me)

Probably just need to steer clear of friends for a while...

You need to expose the affair to these people immediately! NOW! RIGHT NOW! Call everyone and tell them!

You are not protecting your marriage or doing yourself any favors by isolating yourself and pretending there isn't a problem!

I do not know if the say "once a cheater always a cheater" but i can assure you that if you do not expose and do a good R, your H will be at it again in a very short time, and the pain is even worse then.
Expose now
blessing