Yes.. this is true.. MOST are afraid to make the WS mad.. but someone said (I think it was Melody Lane)
"Your marriage will survive your WS being mad.. it WILL NOT survive an affair if it doesn't stop"
Something like that...

He will be mad... he might scream an yell like a little boy who's candy been taken away.. in the end.. he will thank you for saving him from the enemies grip....


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Here is a question...I can understand how exposing the A will kill it, but how does it make WS want to come back? If they are embarrassed and everyone knows about it, what makes them consider coming back? His family all knows. Our kids are too little (in my opinion) and will only be seriously hurt by something like that. I don't want to tell my family because it gives them ammunition to use against me later when they are wanting to put me down and tell me what a horrible person I am and that I don't meet their expectations. We don't have too many friends and I would be humiliated to tell neighbors and he would be completely embarrassed and I can't imagine wanting to come back around if they knew (which also leads to the kids finding out from their "friends" because I know their parents and the kids are pretty snotty without ammunition.) If I could find out who OW is, I would love to let her ex know that she is a horrible person breaking up a family like he did to his own and to let her kids know that their mother is trying to break up someone elses family, but have yet to figure out who OW is. (Her kids are in college)

It's not what will make him want to come back... the changes he sees in you will do that. The needs you now fill will do that.
But.. it WILL start the END of the affair... the sneeking around is part of the attraction.

I wouldn't tell your children if they are too young...Or neighbors...can't see what that will do if you aren't even friends...Your family... I don't know... that's a new one that they will use it against you.. I'll have to give that some thought.
I have a question.. how do you know her kids are in college if you don't know who she is?

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So keeping the affair secret benefits who?

Anyway, why would a WS come back while engaged in an affair?

Go to the top of the page and read basic concepts. You need that information to produce a viable plan and to answer a lot of your questions. The answer to your question is in that material.

Not that I am dodging your question. Just that in reviewing your posts, it was obvious that you either haven't read basic concepts or didn't understand them at the time. I think you would now.

Larry

I know they are in college because WH told me. He told me that she had an affair once in her marriage and her H took her back. He told me that OW's H had an affair and was giving his OW $2000 a month to support her. She waited to leave until the last child was in college.

I HATE MY LIFE!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!

You're going to need to fight this battle on several fronts.

One is you, personally. Put your trust in God - He is fighting this battle for you, and He never sleeps. Put away thoughts of harming yourself. Whether you succeed or fail, it will only make a terrible situation exponentially worse.

Over the coming several weeks, take an honest inventory of yourself, both the things that are good about you and the things you need to change. Begin working on your weaknesses for your own sake, and for the possibility of a happy marriage in the future.

Stay close to your church family. If this means you need to tell most or all of them what's happening so you don't feel embarrassed and stay away, do it. God has given them the job of supporting you, and they can't do that if they don't know how much you need them.

Two is the interactions between you and your WH. You need to make a plan and stick with it. We can help. Refuse to show him needy or clinging behavior. Be a tower of strength to him. Show him your best self. At first especially, don't show him your pain. Later there may be a time to calmly tell him how much he's hurting you, but for right now you need to establish the existence of a new and improved you.

Three is ripping the lid off this A. There is always a way to find the OW. Start with the easy ways, like zabasearch.com or Intelius, and work from there. We can help you with snooping tips, too.

Keep reading here, and vent any time. We know what you're going through, and are glad to walk you through this, day by day and hour by hour. Read some of our stories (mine is linked below), and feast on hope. You're going to make it through this, and you're going to be fine.

God keeps smacking me in the face the last 24 hours when I start to get a little desperate and defeated. I have been taking inventory in myself, but really struggle at finding the good in me. Found lots of things that I need and want to change I don't have plans to do anything to myself, sometimes wish something would happen but I won't do anything to myself.

To me it would be more embarrassing for people at church to find out and I would be even more inclined to stay away than to go. I went this morning and took the kids, but it is hard when the sermon seems to be directly written for me and my family. It has been that way the last two weeks, but maybe that is because God is leading the Pastor in that way. Last night I desperately wanted to call my WH and tell him what a wreck I was and that the kids and I needed him home, when a phone call, for my husband who had put our telephone number down for a contact and not his cell, came in as I was picking up the phone. It made me stop what I was doing and rethink. My daughter wrote in her journal during church this morning:

My dad moved away. I have to live with my mom, hamstery ( her hamster), buddy (my son's hamster), me and brother. I want my dad to come back. I miss daddy so much!

*fixed her spelling errors, she's only 7*

Then after church my son went straight to his room and started crying saying that his sister hated him because of the things she was doing to him. I had a pretty direct talk with them about us needing to be there for each other and support each other right now. I told them that they need to tell their dad exactly what they want and think about the things that are going on because he needs to hear that they want him home and they can tell them that mommy wants him home too!!! Maybe playing the guilt card, but I think he needs to experience some of what I go through every day and know what his children are thinking!!

I am trying to be strong, polite, as cheerful as possible, and not needy or clingy to him, but it is damn near impossible. I will look into the A stuff and continue to try and find out who OW is to start destroying things.

I am glad to be able to vent here because Sunday's and Saturday afternoons are the worst time. I haven't talked with my mom in two days because she upset me and our relationship was a huge part of my problem. Hopefully, if I get connected to a counselor (and maybe on meds if it is absolutely necessary) we can work on my relationship with her as well as me and my marriage. Thanks for listening and I hope God keeps smacking me in the face when I go to do something stupid. I also hope he works in my WH's heart and leads him back home to his family. My faith wavers, but I keep reading the little Prayer Book that I found at church last night.

I don't always feel like I am going to make it through this!! I have hope, try to have faith, but am an emotional wreck.

Working on the real life help. Checking on the insurance thing tomorrow or to see if I can go to the counselor I talked to and have to pay a sliding scale fee (which is difficult right now).

Amazing...Watching Desperate Housewives and they were talking about "the carrot and the stick". Really??? I'm hoping God keeps throwing these little things at me and also throws angels and other faithful things at WH. Each time I hear and see things, it makes me believe that God is on my side and helping me in the way He sees best. I am really hoping it is for reconciliation in our marriage and with our family. Thanks God!!

God wants you to expose the OW husband, her family, everyone. Cant you see that??? Are you just going to sit and do nothing .....like a victim..... here???

Sitting and praying is great but God wants us to take ACTION.

I am working on trying to find out who she is. Taking all the advice on ways to find out who she is. Not sitting here waiting; working on it.

Good! Follow your husband wtih a camera and see where they go and you will learn who she is.

I struggle with one thing...my son knows where the apartment is that they live at and I know where it is, but not the exact one. He is too young and I don't want to put him in the middle of all this because I don't think it is fair to my son. I have thought about driving around the apartment complex to see if I can find his vehicle. What do you think? It still kind of puts my son in the middle. Maybe I should follow him after he gets off work, but that means I have to be over there around 6:30am and my kids would be at home by themselves (my son is old enough to watch my daughter, but don't want him in the middle of all this.)

Do it tomorrow. Bring your son and have him point it out to you. The SON ALREADY KNOWS WHERE SHE IS!!!! You are not hiding anything from the son. By the way why does he know where the OW lives? How did he happen to know?

Once you know where she lives you can start finding out who she is, where she works, etc.

Or, wake up at 6:30 am and take a trip out there. But if you do see his car, there is no telling if it is in front of the right apartment.

My son doesn't know there is an OW. He has just been told that my WH is staying with a friend and was told that there is nothing out that indicates that there is anything else other than a friend. All personal items of OW were supposedly put away and she was out of town. My son does not (and even more reliable my daughter who is younger) indicate that he thinks anything else is going on other than WH being at a friends house. They do not know about the A.

He gets off work at 7:00am, so I would be following him from work back to OW house not from OW house to work.

My WH took the kids over to the apartment to watch a movie. OW was out of town at a wedding. My kids would have told me if they knew anything more than WH staying at a place with someone other than a friend. We have been talking about everything.

Should I share my daughter's diary entry with WH when he comes over in the morning to get her on the bus?