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I am guessing that this might be part of the battle for WH. He has called and talked to us every day/night without fail. Tonight was the first time that he did not initiate a phone call to us. DS called on his cell phone to him a couple of times tonight, but that was it. A little frustrating, but we did see him this morning and he seemed to be in a little battle with something (or someone). Is this part of that battle for the WS?

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Yes, good idea to run an errand and drive DS by where you think the apartment may be. Exposure of the affair is a necessary part of Plan A.

Other than that, don't worry, or have expectations. You are doing just fine. Make your home a warm and welcoming place for hubby, and don't get angry or make disrespectful judgments. The OW will start resenting the time that hubby spends with the family, and SHE will start having angry outbursts. That is what you need to let happen. Then you just sit back and watch.

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Oh...I am not having angry outburst. Only doing that in my car as I scream while driving down the road between work/clients/school/etc. Waiting to be pulled over by the police for aggressive driving or something!! LOL

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Good girl. I know how hard it is. But continue screaming in the car instead of at him. And of course you can always vent here.The good part is that you only have to do this for a short time. It won't go on forever, and is part of the MB plan.

Your Plan A is excellent, but you will need to expose the affair. So figure out how to find out the info you need soon. We will guide you with what to do after that.

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I will work on that the next couple of days with DS. Right now, I don't necessarily want to scream AT him, just want to scream AT the situation we are in. The sitting on the fence thing is more frustrating that the A itself (right now!). When we get back together (I know there is no guarantee, but I have to keep saying when right now), then we can effectively deal with my anger and frustration with the A and the moving out.

Last edited by prayerfulmomof2; 03/09/10 09:54 PM.
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OK Prayerful... thanks for the kind words...it might be hard to believe at this point but people here... total strangers.... really do care...we KNOW how painful this is and speaking for myself (and probably everyone else) ... I could never just turn away from someone in this situation... We all wish we found this place sooner...
You are doing really really well....and I agree that PM nailed it too... A good Plan "A" spins the WSs head back around... and turns the once "perfect" OW into a RAVING LUNATIC!!

And since the enemy tricks most WSs into "Affairing Down" a good Plan "A" like you are doing (pretty good for a rookie BTW) makes the contrast between wonderful wife and OW mental case look even worse!!

Keep up the good work...
GOoD luck and Prayers Frank

/


It’s not the absence of trials that determines our happiness
Its the absence or presence of God
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It is amazing how much total strangers do care about my situation. The roller coaster ride is so hard throughout this. Sometimes I think I would want to see who the OW is and sometimes I don't. I just always wonder if she is better than me or not. I know that she is older and sometimes I think that is so that he hopes she doesn't get as attached or there would be no issues with a desire for children.

I do believe that she is finally getting annoyed or whatever with WH not being around. I just wonder when she is going to kick him out (since he isn't paying rent or anything to her, doesn't have the money to give her or do anything with), find someone else that is able to give her money and spend more time with her, or he is going to get tired of her ranting/raving about all the above. (Just venting right now!!! MrRollieEyes)

Thanks for the vote of confidence on my plan "A". I think I have gone into my therapist mode a little and rational thinking mode. I have to say, the boundaries that I have placed on my mother have been wonderful. We have been able to talk about things and when we don't agree on everything, she can see my point of view even if we never agree and deal with what I have to say or think.

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Quote
The roller coaster ride is so hard throughout this.
Yes... it was hard for me too until the vets then told me that it was MY choice whether I continued to punch my ticket and keep riding.

Your situation and your WS may be operating the ride....but you do have a choice to get off anytime you want.
I don't mean at ALL to give up... just LEARN (and you are doing soooo great so early on with this) NOT TO REACT... no single solitary swerve in the road will bring him home.. or end your marriage....and.... things change like New England weather.... sunny and warm one day...dark and cold the next...then...you guessed it.. SUNNY again!! That ride takes too much energy to keep up with..

And you have no idea what GOD has planned for your marriage.

Quote
I just always wonder if she is better than me or not.
OK.. nows the time to understand WHO YOU ARE and why the above will NEVER be possible...

YOU ARE HIS WIFE OF (??? YEARS)
YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF HIS WONDERFUL CHILDREN...BORN OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE
YOU ARE THE PERSON WHO KNOWS HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE.
OK... what is she?

SHE IS HIS AFFAIR PARTNER
SHE IS THE CO-CONSPIRATOR IN THE ATTACK ON YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY.
SHE IS A HUSBAND (trying anyway) THIEF
SHE IS A LIER
SHE IS A (FILL IN YOUR OWN HERE)
BUT MAINLY... SHE....IS.....NOTHING.....a FANTASY (just the by-product of a neglected marriage)

OW will NEVER compete with you on ANY level playing field...S


And yes... vent HERE....cry HERE.....scream HERE if you need to ....and be a kind loving patient forgiving faithful Godly warrior-ess for your marriage and your family in the "real world" What you can't handle... give to God...he will shield and protect you. I love this from a worship song:

"I will bring PRAISE... I will bring PRAISE
"No weapon formed against me shall remain" (OW in your case formed by the enemy)
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

Here are the rest of the lyrics if you don't know it...(but I bet you do LOL)
http://www.6lyrics.com/music/hillsong/lyrics/desert_song4.aspx

.


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Originally Posted by prayerfulmomof2
Sometimes I think I would want to see who the OW is and sometimes I don't. I just always wonder if she is better than me or not. I know that she is older and sometimes I think that is so that he hopes she doesn't get as attached or there would be no issues with a desire for children.

.

Oh hun, we all feel that.
What will seeing her do for you though apart from upset your day? Either your gonna want to smack her one, or do something you'll regret later. Best to pretend she doesn't exist really, believe it or not. Think of her as some icky stuff you scrape off the bottom of your shoe, it stinks and isnt pleasent, but able to be removed with a stick and some water grin

I can tell you for free, by virtue of the fact that your not the one making whoppee with a married person who is not married to YOU, makes you a better person. Besides, while WH and OW are off in fantasy bubble affair land, your being the grown up, loving and caring for your children, and taking responsibility for you and your action. Not fate, kismet or what other rot AP's tell each other. One day your kids and even your WH will tell you how very much they appreciate that, and it is a sweet thing to hear.

As far as the concern of strangers... consider us TEAM PMo2 rotflmao

Go Team!


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Thanks PLEASE HELP and lildoggie!! Since he left, a day has not gone by where I have heard nothing from him. It is the hardest thing (next to him walking out and finding about A) that has happened. It really is bothering me. He is supposed to be at the station today. Maybe I will hear from him. Is there something that I should be doing with no contact from him?? dontknow

Thanks for the song PH. Music is obviously very important in my life and so many songs have been going through my head and I hear on the radio.

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PFM2- It must have been something in the air last night because my WH didn't call OUR CHILDREN last night either and he didn't email them to tell them he missed the time to call. It is the first time he hasn't called OR emailed. I am in a dark Plan B but I couldn't help but notice this. The time he has spent on the calls has been going down as well. Oh well, I am still here for them and I think I am doing a good job filling the void since they say they don't miss him.

As far as thinking about if POSOW is better than you, you already know that she ISN'T. These little thoughts are just worries that he might actually be happy with her. Like others have said on here, they only know each other in AFFAIRLAND. The bubble will burst one day, it always does.

Good job on your Plan A.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Ohhh...today has been a pretty bad day overall. I have felt sick to my stomach, can't concentrate, etc., etc., etc. I am sure it is a combination of no contact last night and the insecurities of how he will be tomorrow and what tomorrow will bring. I know, no expectations, and I am actually leaning more to negative expectations than positive ones, just so I am not hurt if he runs out the door as soon as I get home. With him staying so late and having to be back early next morning, I would love to see him just decide to stay. I all ready sleep on the couch and he could just all ready be here for the next morning, save on gas, etc. I am sure that won't happen, but maybe logic would prevail in this case...Not probable!! LOL!!

OK, just a little anxiety venting today. I have been writing non-stop all day because of the anxieties. Gotta go do a job where I actually earn money (unlike all the hours of student teaching, for free!!!- actually, I am paying them because I paid my tuition. They get free labor!!)

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Oh...why is today such a hard day!! sigh Was talking with my mom today and crying on the phone with her. She wants me to come over and see her. She said she doesn't feel like she has been able to be there for me. The sad part is that I can't bring myself to going to my parents house because I know it makes my dad uncomfortable when I break down and I can't keep myself together when I am talking with my mother. crybaby I don't like not being in control of myself and breaking down and she wants to have this break down moment with me because she knows that i am hurting and she is worried about me. There have been a couple of times that she has crossed the boundaries (with me) that I have set and I have stood up for what I wanted or needed. hurray I don't know if I can do this moment that she wants. Quite honestly, I don't know that I can deal with seeing her for DS's birthday this month and Easter coming up soon. I don't think since people know about things that I can handle being around anyone. How do I get over that??? It's personal problems with me and (other than it is WH A that is what caused all of this) nothing to do with him. I can't allow myself to not be the rock and the stability of the family and to be a wreck with them. Ugh...don't know how to deal with this feeling. (Partially venting frustrations, but also asking for any thoughts about this personal issue.)

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I am always the one who is there for people when they needed me. I helped BIL through SIL's A and their separation(now he is having HUGE problems with his gf). Then I was there for my sister when my BIL was having his A and they got D. Then I was there for my Dad when my Mom left. But what happened when I needed someone? I have call display and people would call and I just needed to be ALONE. They all know that if I don't want to talk, I WON'T.

I am really happy for having this site. I could cry my eyes out while I was typing and NOONE would know. I could get the much needed support that I was lacking in my RL. I have some friends but if I am really down, I don't reach out to them. I make a cozy cocoon and I wait it out. It isn't right for everyone. I just happen to enjoy my company than others and I don't want to appear weak to others. I had my moments. I really am a CRIER. I used to cry so much. WH said it didn't phase him anymore since I did it so often. Boy did I ever want to kick him for that(although now I KNOW the truth).


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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My dad brought some cookies over to my house tonight because I am preparing dinner for WH and the kids for tomorrow night. This is the first time he asked to spend the evening alone with the kids and put them to bed since everything started since all this started. I was able to be fine with my dad because I know how much it bothers him and we don't talk about things.

WH called tonight from the station. It felt nice that he called us. He was in a pretty good mood. They had been really busy all day long and even busy when he was on the phone with us. We talked about a lot of different things, especially what he needed or wanted to do when he was at the house tomorrow. We talked about the good afternoon that I had yesterday after my university supervisor visited. He said it was good and glad to hear it. It felt a little bit more like a normal conversation we used to have. I made sure to let him talk to DD before he got called out on a run or something and then he called DS on his cell phone.

The whole conversation, the fact that he called, and the fact that he was talking about being here at the house tomorrow evening made me feel much calmer and less sick to my stomach. It really bothered me him not calling last night and I wish I knew what was going on yesterday morning and last night. I could analyze everything that goes on, but then the house would not be good for tomorrow and everything would not be ready for him to come over. Dishes to do, toilets to scrub, and things to pick up. Oh yeah, and I need to study for my big exams that I have on Saturday!! Guess I better do that since I paid $200 just for the privilege of taking the tests!!! LOL!!! rotflmao

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Sounds like you have tonight's preparations well underway. You've really got the hang of this Plan A thing.

Time to finish exposure and begin preparations for Plan B, since I think you'll be ready for that soon. It may take a few weeks to get all your ducks in a row, which is why it's going to be important to finish exposure quickly: you can get all of his anger out of the way and be settled back into your current rhythm before dropping the bomb.

Meanwhile, even after his anger has come and gone, exposure will still be doing its work.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Prayerful.... I see you growing everyday.. Becoming stronger and wiser...
Awesome! Praise God! hurray

BTW.. did you know the song I sent? If not give it a listen/watch here..



A little side note... the woman in the blue shirt that sings the great line "No weapon formed against me shall remain"
Lost her first child by miscarriage a short time before making this video... she said she didn't feel moved during rehearsals but felt VERY moved by the spirit during this video.

What a testament to her love and faith in God...to live through that terrible loss and still sing these words.....we can all learn....

"All of my life, in every season... YOU ARE STILL GOD
I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship...."

.

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PH... I had not heard the song before. I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for the praise of growth and development. I frequently feel a little stronger. I have up and down days and it is kind of funny that my up days seem to be my moms down days and vice a versa.

Been a little inactive in my posting for a few days because I had my big teaching exams today. Well, they are now over and can go back to being more active in every other part of my life. Friday was really hard because WH was not there to give me his strength and support for the tests in person. I sent him a text before my tests started that said that my stress levels were really high because I was getting ready to walk in the door to the test. He texted back, "U will be fine!" Felt good to hear him say that.

Thursday evening went really well with WH and kids. They had the dinner and everything that I had made for them, he did all the laundry for us, and swept the house, along with the couple of repair projects he wanted to do. I am pretty sure that he was here ALL day on Thursday!! I got home about 10pm and he was asleep on the couch. I rubbed the top of his head and his neck to wake him up. He looked at me and smiled when he woke up. WH sat for a few minutes and then said he needed to get going because he was coming back early in the morning to get the kids on the bus. He was exhausted when he came back in the morning.

When he got here just before I left, he got a text. He had a weird look on his face and I asked if everything was OK. He said he got a text but didn't understand it. I said ok, have a good day at work and gave him a hug before leaving for school.

I have been watching the cell phone bill and have noticed that over the last 3 days, WH has been sent/received 159 texts (and he is not a big texter/caller/talker himself). I checked all the phone numbers on the recent cell phone bill and found something interesting. One of the phone numbers that he called was to an apartment rental place on February 24th. This was shortly before the weekend he went to his parents and just after getting his PT job (I also informed him that I was starting counseling before this time). Interesting???

We had a great conversation tonight. He was happy and very talkative. He was asking about my tests and just things that were going on. He had mentioned to DS about taking DS and DD somewhere tomorrow. I knew nothing about this. Tonight when I talked with him, I asked that he just call me first before saying things to them about going out so that I can say whether we have plans or not. I said I would never not let him take the kids somewhere on his time off that he has, but that I would prefer to let him know if we all ready have plans or am planning something myself before having to either say no to him and the kids (looking like the bad guy-didn't say that to him) or to reschedule my plans. I started to say something else and he just quickly said, "no problem. I understand. Nothing else needs to be said." We talked for several more minutes before passing the phone off to DS. DD did not want to talk tonight. Overall, GREAT interaction with WH tonight and for the past several days. He is choosing to spend more time with the kids and on a Sunday which he knows is VERY difficult for all of us. More and more time is coming to our family than to any other possible person (if there is someone still active, falling apart, who knows).

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Also, reminded him about MIL's birthday which I had forgotten, but we called tonight. It was a couple of days ago. He had forgotten and said "thanks for reminding me".

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There is still someone active, count on it. However, it is an active someone who is growing increasingly dissatisfied with her shrinking role.

At first she will rejoice when you go to PB, because finally she will have him all to herself. That is when things will begin falling apart in earnest.

She is not enough to make up for what he will be losing.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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