Those are what placed the marriage into a vulnerable state. He chose to break his marriage vows to have them met by someone else, rather than working through them with you.

It is part of your culture to blame yourself. Don't.

It is part of your culture to NOT seek help. But you did anyway, which means that this is very important to you. You don't want to go back to your family and admit that your husband cheated on you. This would be a massive loss of face for you and thus only done as a last resort to protect your children. I understand.

Your husband is in a fog. He is in what is called an affair fog, which means that he is like a drunk or drug addict. He is addicted to the feelings that adultery creates in the brain and the associated brain chemicals that cause him to be crazy as a drunk chicken. You know about the drunk chicken, right?

The start of helping him out of his brain crazy is to expose him, and to expose the other person, both to those who can influence each one like their parents or the other person's mate. The start is to take steps to bring the affair to the light of day. They go crazy and run around like a cockroach when the light goes on and they say crazy stuff when that happens. And your role then is to be calm and say the words you read in the Harley information. "I am trying to save the marriage, so I do what I must do out of love for you and the children."

"My culture is marriage for life and no adultery. If you do not like me to expose the adultery, then don't do it. Are you a man to abandon your children so you have temporary good feelings from adultery? She cheat with you, she cheat on you, get it?"

Maybe others here can give you better words to calmly say that are better than the ones I gave you.

First you fight. If that does not work in three or four weeks, you consider another way. After a day or so, you go back and read what Dr. Harley has written. You consider talking to the coaching center with Jennifer or Steve for help and advice and a custom plan for you.

The plans here are general. The coaching center is for custom plans for those who can afford it. Be sure and mention the culture you are from if you go that route.

Larry

Maybe. . .


That is hard to say, but accurate. Maybe a better one is:


If you ever get to the point of saying those things.

I do not know your husband. Even if I did, I would suggest you have a rescue plan just in case. Affair brains cannot be predictable. Once he recovers from the affair, he will be a better person.

Larry

I have her phone number, because she text my husband more than anyone else. She is the only one one the team text him daily. There are 4 people on the team.
I found her husband's name.No luck on the phone number yet.

Keep looking, keep digging. Are you SURE they are in an affair. I think so from what you have said. Your husband acts like he is in an affair with every word from his mouth. Get as much proof as you can even if it means that you hire a private investigator.

She will lie to protect herself with her husband. It is better to have confession from your husband or some other information from like a private investigator, so she cannot get away with lying.

If you can afford it.

And do think about a custom plan from Steve or Jennifer at the coaching center. You can still post here in the forum as you work the plan they give you. It is the difference between the yard you do for yourself and the landscape you get from a professional.

Larry

Thank you all for the valuable advice!

""First you fight. If that does not work in three or four weeks, you consider another way. After a day or so, you go back and read what Dr. Harley has written. You consider talking to the coaching center with Jennifer or Steve for help and advice and a custom plan for you.""

So, I should work on carrot part of plan A 1st?
after 2 wks,I should add the stick part of plan A? and call her husband (if I can find the number)

after 1 month, I shoudl contact J or S for professional advice and plan.

***Do I restated the steps correctly?



I have been looking into his phone log with him. (He will not answer phone calls from me, but he did answer one from her. I also ask him if I can call John to check his Friday night over his house.

He said it is ok. But wehn i did place the phone call, he was very unhappy. He said why I need to make his friend uncomfortable?? This morning, he was still unhappy, because he is carpooling with him.

***Should I stop doing these? Are those behavior against plan A? or thses are love busters? one of the Annoying Habits, Selfish Demands, or Disrespectful Judgments?

Plan a has several reasons.

Carrot
1. To hide while investigation and planning starts.
2. To reduce his ability to be angry with you.
3. To be a contrast with what will happen after exposure.

Stick
4. You do not have to be a doormat. Read Pep's carrot and stick again for the reasons.
5. Be calm at all times. But do what you have to do for your sanity.

Other reasons that can be given by other of those who post here.

If I were you, I would do everything at the same time.

6. Investigate to get hard information on the affair. If you can afford it, please hire a private investigator. I don't know where you live, so I have no suggestions.
7. Call for an appointment with the coaching center to validate your plan and refine the plan under their instructions.
8. Be sure you mention your cultural background:

a. Adultery is evil and against the law
b. Marriage is for life, no cheating.
c. Don't want to go home, loss of face.
d. Want marriage restored if possible.

9. Continue to find out more about OW and her husband.

Larry

Oh, and finally, don't confuse the recovery steps with the first steps to stopping the affair. You must stop the affair before you can start the recovery.

Larry

I am not sure if it's only emotional now. He told her about his feeling on Wed night (3/17), according to him, their feelings are mutual.

He also told her that his wife (me)already know. He told her they are doing the wrong thing...
But why none of them say: we should stop it now???

Does this mean to them, what they are doing is ok with me???

Sorry to bother you again. but I am confused. what do I do before the exposing?

-Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

-Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

-Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

-Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

-Stop lovebusting behaviors.

-Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

-Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

-Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

and rest of plan A are for after exposing.

Right?

No, You expose right away. But you have to be sure about who OW is. Do you know who she is? If so , do not wait. Expose. Then you do plan A as you described.
Blessing

I do know the person looks like (from FB) and she works with my H. I have her phone number, but NOT her H yet.

Sould I only expose them to my H's father and sisters? because I know his mom will get very very upset for this. For her health, I do not want her get hurt from this.

His parents divorced when he was 12. His father was seeing someone. After they divorced, they have to send him to see a Psychologist.

If I expose them to her husband, I need to have something to show him, right? Also, I do not want my H get hurt. One of my professor got beaten by a student's H when her H found out their affair.

TJ/ Anyone else note the elipse and the colon? /TJ

Carry on.

Sorry, I do not understand here.

Last week, he suggest me take kids to California for a small spring break vacation. I do not want to give him chance to stay here alone.
I just thought it will nice to see some old friends in L.A. And my passport is gone. He must hide it. a few days ago, he mentioned about he is afraid of I will take 2 kids and fly far away. I said I won't.

Please remember that those in an affair most often lie. They do not tell the truth. So you must observe what they do, not what they say.

Larry

You must get good information. Have you thought about hiring a private investigator as I have suggested? Until you have that information, you would be foolish to expose. The reason is simple. With good information, nobody can accuse you of dreaming and they cannot accuse you of lying. You do not want to be accused of being a jealous wife with no proof.

So proof is needed.

Larry

Yes, noted. She is EASL, but college graduate. Her country of origin is known to me and is further supported by the way she writes, which is familiar to me. I have seen it before.

Larry

Hiding your passport is NOT a good thing. And theft of your passport is against the law. This is a serious development.

Larry

You are attempting to take responsibility for his affair. More correctly, you are attempting to be responsible for the consequences of his adultery, his affair.

That is wrong. He choose to do what he is doing and the consequences are the result of his choice, not yours. You are fighting to save your marriage from adultery.

Please, see about hiring a private investigator. Ask a very trusted friend or maybe one of your college professors if you are still in contact with one of them. Do you still have contact with your sponsor? Surely there is someone you can talk to who will help you find a reasonably priced private investigator. I think you may have financial resources from your parents if you just ask them. And I think you probably do not have to tell them why you want the money.

I also think it is time for you to call the Harley Coaching Center. You are overwhelmed with all of the choices you find here and the complexity of your situation. You need to have a simplified custom plan from the Harleys.

That is my opinion.

Larry