Got it.

As far as the cell phone...he invited me to keep looking at it. So, maybe he plans to erase incriinating things. He may erase the messages on the phone but he can't erase the billing info and the SIM Card retains info until it;s overwritten.

Part of "saying and doing nothing but snoop" means using the SIM Card Reader at this point and installing computer monitoring yes?

Yep - one of the agreements we had was that when he felt an AO coming on he should let me know to leave the room.

I hate that, but it is what it is.

It is controlling and it ensures that he never has to complete an oncomfortable / difficult conversation.

Should I be getting a divorce Mel?

Yet he badgered and bullied you into feeling guilty about doing it. If he was sincere about wanting you to look that wouldn't have happened. Even so, it wouldn't surprise me if he has another secret cell phone if he is having an affair. I would try and search his car.


Agree. And I would follow him when he is out without you "with the boys."

You are far away from making that decision, IMO!

Okey doke


Ok - but know that it's not a frequent thing...maybe once every two months.

Melody,

So in addition to playing the trusting idiot do I call "pretty lady" and have a talk with her as he invited me to do? Do I contact Ms Arizona directly?

Who do you think he's likely having the affair with - Ms Arizona or "pretty lady"?

Please tell me what else you're thinking.

Yes you may have let them know BUT why are you NOT BEING honest on here?

See, Mel is giving you GREAT stuff on marriage and HONESTY....something you are NOT doing here at the MOMENT.

YOU are as much of a threat to your M as your H is.....and the advice you get on here MAY differ if they knew....and then again, maybe not...

I don't know, that is why I want you to find out. He is hiding something and we just need to find out what. And NO, I would not call any of those ladies. If he is having an affair, she will just lie anyway so you will get nothing.

FOR SURE. She will lie. She will also tip off WH that you called and are on to him. You don't want that either.

I am glad that MelodyLane cleared up the misunderstanding that I am D. Although that may be where this M ends, it will NOT be the end of ME. It also won't be because I snooped. It will be because my WH had an A and couldn't get his head out of his a$$.

Plan A, avoid LB.

It is not FAIR to the good people on here to be giving you advice with the FULL knowledge of what is going on......

What they choose to advice you to do after this, is up to them......

not2fun

FWIW, I gave my advice AFTER I already read this. I RARELY go off of the SAA forums. I knew there was something and I had an idea about what it was. It now explains A LOT. Chris, you got 2x4 for it for sure, but I too believe that MelodyLane should have been told. Your reluctance to be O&H with us on THIS forum tells tales. Your unwillingness to share these details yourself and instead having to be outed by Not also says things about you. What you choose to do now is up to you. My hope is that this helps you grow and learn and that it helps at least one other person lurking.

If it's his issue (the AO that's 'coming on') why do YOU have to leave the room? Why doesn't HE leave the room? Just the physical act of you having to accommodate his AO is wrong.

Thanks, not. I was wondering what the bookstore incident was.

Chris, why is it convenient for you to want O&H from your H if you're not practicing it yourself?

Not2

I wasn't hiding it from anyone here. It's not like the people here can't see what's on MB101...

Anyway - here goes: The other day I delibrately took off mywedding ring and went into a local Bookstore/Coffee Shoppe to see what would happen. I ended up having a 45 minute conversation with an attractive man who let me know he was divorced. I did not react to the information, I did not exchange contact info with the man. I left the Shoppe and went to IC where I confessed about doing this with my Counselor. I also discussed the incident over @ MB101 - where I felt it was a more appropriate venue to work out why I would do such a thing. I also chose MB101 to discuss this because I doubt whether this would affect the advice I am receiving here.

This is why we ask you to post to one thread. I don't spend much time over on MB101. I tried to read all of your threads to get caught up on your sitch, but they were so scattered that I gave up. This is the first time I've read about the bookstore incident.

This incident is critical for us. It speaks to YOUR actions and mindset. What you did was the act of a wayward. If we know that you have wayward tendencies it will affect our responses to your sitch. Choosing not to share that with us could invalidate some of our responses or send you down the wrong path. It's just not helpful to anyone.

Hold on everyone - Are you seriously saying that I deliberately hid the bookstore incident from the people here?

I didn't.

I had no idea that people in this forum don't leave and visit the others. For example, Melody Lane seems to visit this one, the Military forum, and the MB 101 forum. I do too. I was NOT "hiding" it from the SAA forum. There is a link in my signature which goes right to my story over there. I thought that the better place for that incident was the MB101 forum because the behavior seemed to be related to what's going on over there. It seemed that my Taker may have gotten the better of me, so I posted about it over there for help. No one here talks about that stuff.

Outted? How can I be outted on something I was not hiding?

I have been 100% honest on these forums and each thread I post when describing my views, my marriage, and what I am thinking + the questions I have. I have held nothing back. This is very upsetting to me.

Melody, did you NOT see the bookstore incident although you visit all the rooms?

Are you going to stop advising me? Will my posts here (or there) be ignored from this point forward?

I understand and I apologize for making an incorrect assumption.

But I want you to know that my mindset is not that of a wayward spouse. That incident is SO uncharacteristic for me. I have never done anything like that EVER to anyone I was with. I believe in fidelity not infidelity. I believe I did that out of frustration for all the Giving I did (per MB) and then to discover his text message exchange.

At this point, what can I do? Should I ask that this thread be combined with the thread over there? The issue is, the folks over there will not advise on snooping and his possible EA/PA issues. They advise about implementing MB.

What do I do here?

Also, how does the bookstore incident change what Mel said to do?

We happened to be "his" area of the house for studying, gaming etc.

When we are elsewhere he leaves the room. My H has an issue with anger.

One person suggested that I still have too many threads about my situation. But at this point I have this one and the one over @ MB101 where my story is fully laid out. It's the "My Story" link in my signature.

Should I just close this thread down? If I do that I feel that I will not be advised @ MB101 about snooping and my H's possible EA/PA.

Should I close the MB101 thread down? If I do that, I don't feel that the SAA folks will help me with MB principles.

Here, Mel has advised me to snoop. The folks here are saying that the bookstore incident means I have the mindset of a wayward spouse and that would change the advise I would get in here, but I don't see it. I see the bookstore incident as my Taker getting the best of me due to my Giving juxtaposed against my discovery of that "pretty lady" text message exchange. I have no desire to repeat the behvior or find some man to have an affair with.

I WANT MY MARRIAGE!

Chris, have you read about "Owners, Renters and Freeloaders?" Pep bumped up that thread recently. I get the sense that you and your H are both Renters in your marriage.

The bottom line is you were trolling--dipping a toe in the water--trying the infidelity suit on for size when you took off your wedding ring and chatted up this "attractive divorced man" for nearly an hour. Maybe you didn't go off to a hotel room and sweat up the sheets this time, but you took the first step down the path that will get you there. And if you think you have problems now. . . !

You need to get your emotional needs met and your husband is certainly lovebusting. Your marriage is in crisis. But you had a choice as to how to deal with that--you could have started divorce paperwork. You could have gotten full on with the MB program and changed your marriage into something better for both of you. But that's not what you DID. You chose to be dishonest--both to the man you were USING and your husband. That's a problem only you can solve through ruthless self-examination and determination to become a healthier person emotionally no matter what your H does. Take responsibility, Chris, instead of looking to your IC to "figure it out" for you. Just do the right thing.

People here are very savvy. They have heard every justification for bad behavior known to mankind. They are tough, but fair. You cannot go wrong by using MB principles in your marriage.

Everyone here wants you to succeed and have a wonderful marriage. But if you are always defensive of your actions and skeptical of the advice you get here, it will take a heck of a lot longer. Your choice.