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You didn't really mess up at all. You confirmed you married a serial cheater that has not one iota of empathy for you.

Find a lawyer.

MaiMai #2355051 04/15/10 09:37 AM
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Here's my idea for the fix for her knowing of this website. I'm going to cut the internet at home. This way she would only be able to check while at work. She has limited access there dury duty hours. Downside, I can only check this while at work.

She knows that I am looking on the internet in general for marriage advice and personal growth, not just specificly here. She's not really cpu literate so it would take her a while find this I think.

More of what was said last night in parts of the conversation:

NW: What you have done and are still doing shows complete disrespect for yourself, NW5, me, and our marriage. What kind of love is that?
WW:...silence...

WW:I still don't know if I want to be in this marriage. I dont know if it is in my heart.
NW: How could you have had those feelings for me when you were giving them to someone else?

WW: You're a great person and father, you deserve someone better than me.
NW: Let me decide what I want. I don't know if I this will work out but I'd like to work on it and see what happens.

WW: I love NW5 with all my heart.
NW: Ok.
WW: Tears up and says nothing.

I'm more confused about the A now. Definetely requires more investigation. I think there may be a whole lot more going on than I was originally thinking. She wouldn't talk any specifics. I think I broke through some of the fog last night but it's a small start.

What would you recommend she/we read as far as books are concerned? SAA, HNHN, Fall in Love Stay in Love, something else? I have her curiosity at the moment and I want to maximize that interest.

MaiMai #2355054 04/15/10 09:40 AM
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Even if she reads your thread you can still follow through with your plans. Keep the VAR and GPS there, but don't disclose where they are. Most likely she will just go deeper and you will have to try something different. My wife found I was recording her chats online, she then started to call instead of chat, thats all.

I wouldnt expect your WW to sit and read this site all day. She has an affair she has to tend to, and it takes up a lot of time. Lets hope that she doesn't find it.

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I would recommend that you immediately schedule a coaching session with Steve Harley and let her talk to him. Strike while the iron is hot.


-SOL
_Larry_ #2355068 04/15/10 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted By: _Larry_
Based on what you have said and a clue from MiM, I have a theory or two, but can't say on a family forum. It is excitement and endorphin based. It is a verbal thing as in talk, that women can get into outside marriage far easier than inside marriage because of inhibitions. That is as close as I can get and stay within bounds. Maybe MiM can do a better job. I think he has the same theory. And theory is all it is as I do not know your wife.


You have had my interest in this since you first had this theory. I would like to know more. You may have some of on your Wall thread, but links in that thread wern't working.

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I have no way of fixing the links. Only the admin can do that. This forum has had its problems over the years as have most all forums. Many past links are broken. The linked posts themselves can be found with some searching.

But no, it is not part of the wall thread. I have thought of a way to make an attempt to tell you without a private email.

The closest that I have ever seen as several posts in a thread by cruisegonebad, who had an affair on a cruise boat with a cruise crew member. She was vulnerable. The truth came out many years later. Her husband, if memory serves was waffling between leaving and staying. I dunno if he ever made up his mind.

The posts about which I make reference was a diatribe by a former cruise boat crewman how many of those who staff cruise boats prey on the vulnerable and the techniques used. By vulnerable, I mean unhappy, naive, young or just immature women/girls and/or who are looking for a bit of anonymous excitement in their otherwise dull life. And who might be susceptible to same if approached in the right way. Frequently the game is to suggest fun that the target would never dream of engaging with husband.

That is close, but not exactly what I have in mind either.

MiM said that OM was likely bragging about his accomplishments to his buddies. This would indicate, if you think about it, as a trophy gained in some sort of mutual game that buddies and he played. That one is dead on accurate, imho. Remember endorphins, those reward brain chemicals are part of everyone.

I cannot and will not go any farther. Sorry.

If this is true, and I don't know if it is or isn't, there is a possibility that your wife will seek the fun again unless she is now ready to admit what was really going on, what she got out of it and leave it behind her for all time.

Larry

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Originally Posted By: now_what
Here's my idea for the fix for her knowing of this website. I'm going to cut the internet at home. This way she would only be able to check while at work. She has limited access there dury duty hours. Downside, I can only check this while at work.


I could be wrong, nw, but I suspect that, if she's knee-deep in an A, she's not going to be interested in checking out pro-marriage websites. I think you're safe.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Honestly, you are putting the cart before the horse. You need to kill the affair and establish NC w/ OM before you even think about counseling. Who is OM? How has she been contacting him? Has his wife been told? These are all things that need to be ascertained before you start talking about counseling or marriage building.

You need to get NC established and get your WW through withdrawal. Then after a couple months of withdrawal/plan A activities, then you can start pushing the counseling and MB. My thoughts are this guy is probably just using your WW for sex, so if you inform his wife, he'll quickly disappear. That is, unless he works with your WW or otherwise comes into contact with her for some reason. Then you will have to address that issue. You know nothing more than you knew yesterday except that your WW now knows, so she can cover her tracks better.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
_SOL #2355187 04/15/10 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: SickofLimbo
I would recommend that you immediately schedule a coaching session with Steve Harley and let her talk to him. Strike while the iron is hot.


I didn't even think about that!

A session is scheduled w/Jennifer for Sunday.

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That is great news! She is very good. My wife was simply not willing to listen but it seems yours may be somewhat ready to. I assume you will both be talking to her?


-SOL
jmwc95 #2355194 04/15/10 12:30 PM
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I totally agree with jmwc95

You need to find out who this man is, so you can expose!

I'd guess she will be contacting the OM today to warn him.

Regarding this site, does she know your posting name on here?

Be very careful about clearing the history on your computer before she comes home! Make it a habit after each use of the computer.

There are other sites related to infidelity. I would leave one of them open on the computer for her to find. Hopefully she will search there for you instead.

Please listen to the vets on here, they offer great advice.

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Hi NW,

So have you exposed the A to the OM's wife? You're not going to be able to get your W to commit to anything as long as she's still ivolved in the A.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
RIF #2355223 04/15/10 01:19 PM
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I know less about the OM and A now (STOOOPID), I don't think it was who I thought. She said that she would talk about it in couseling. I think Larry is on to something about the A. If that is correct then I suspect that the OM wouln't be married. The impression that I got from her last night is that the OM isn't married.

All my tools are still safe and in place.

She was certainly acting differantly this morning. She looked confused, shameful, remorseful. I think she may be realizing how her actions may affect NW5. She was especially lovey to him.

I may just be hopeful that she is seeing it this way but there was something different.

_SOL #2355235 04/15/10 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: SickofLimbo
That is great news! She is very good. My wife was simply not willing to listen but it seems yours may be somewhat ready to. I assume you will both be talking to her?


That's the plan for now. I'm going to talk to her tonight about it.

She asked me last night, "What should "I" do now?". I took that question as, I don't know how I feel for you and I don't know if it's worth giving up my fantasy. She wanted to read what I've been looking into lately, so I take that as a good sign.

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Personally I think she put some kind of drugs into your food. You need to follow the MB plan. Keep snooping and expose the affair.

jmwc95 #2355254 04/15/10 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: jmwc95
Honestly, you are putting the cart before the horse. You need to kill the affair and establish NC w/ OM before you even think about counseling. Who is OM? How has she been contacting him? Has his wife been told? These are all things that need to be ascertained before you start talking about counseling or marriage building.

You need to get NC established and get your WW through withdrawal. Then after a couple months of withdrawal/plan A activities, then you can start pushing the counseling and MB. My thoughts are this guy is probably just using your WW for sex, so if you inform his wife, he'll quickly disappear. That is, unless he works with your WW or otherwise comes into contact with her for some reason. Then you will have to address that issue. You know nothing more than you knew yesterday except that your WW now knows, so she can cover her tracks better.


I agree totally but I don't think I have much of a choice now. She's at least interested in MC, so I would like to fuel that. She wouldn't tell me any of the specifics of the A last night. She doesn't know what to do so I don't think that making any demands at this point would be good.

Are you suggesting that I should tell her that NC must be in place before I do any couselling with her?

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Originally Posted By: believer
Personally I think she put some kind of drugs into your food. You need to follow the MB plan. Keep snooping and expose the affair.


Haha, That is still my plan and I am still working towards that.

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Hi NW,

Mrs. RIF said that one of the reasons for her multiple A's was for the "thrill" and "excitement"... The "rush" that she would get by seeing how much she could get away with without getting caught...

I didn't learn about any of this until over 10 years after her last A when she finally confessed her multiple A's.

I would bet that your W is just talking with you about MC in order to "throw you off her trail"... You can't start MC or rebuilding until your W has ended the A(s) and established NC. Any attempt at MC or "rebuilding" will just be putting a band aid on a sucking chest wound.

Keep snooping. Keep working on your plan-A and try to avoid any reltionship talks... Relationship talks at this point are pretty much useles. You know that she's involved in an A... so whether you want to believe it or not, you can NOT trust a word that she says right now.

I know that this is hard to hear, but you need to trust us... you WANT to believe the "best" because that is what you want now, more than anything else in the world... If you are anything like I was, you will tell yourself that "everything is fine now" because she's willing to go to MC, or she's willing to "talk"... until she has ended the A and established NC, you can not start rebuilding.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
RIF #2355281 04/15/10 02:12 PM
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Hi RIF

I am hearing you and it makes complete sense. I know that I need to stay on my toes. I'm excited because I think she saw through some of the fog last night, but is is still there.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: now_what
I agree totally but I don't think I have much of a choice now. She's at least interested in MC, so I would like to fuel that. She wouldn't tell me any of the specifics of the A last night. She doesn't know what to do so I don't think that making any demands at this point would be good.

Are you suggesting that I should tell her that NC must be in place before I do any couselling with her?


I'm telling you that MC is useless while she's in an active affair. She may talk things out with you in counseling, and then leave counseling to go have sex w/ OM in a parking garage. You may think you are getting somewhere, but while she is still in contact w/ OM, you aren't. You need to find out who OM is, so you keep ensure NC is established.

Why do you think OM is single? If OM was married, so you think WW would let you know so you could tell his BW? He may be "in the process of getting divorce" (I'm using quotes because that's waywards always tell each other) which means he's married. Even if he's single you can expose to his family and friends, or employer if they work together. Counseling isn't as important as finding out about OM, so you can end all contact. Right now your WW might be in damage control mode, so she'll humor you and go to counseling, even if she has every intention of continuing with OM. This may buy her more time for her plans.

Your primary objective, soldier, is to find OM and ensure he ends all contact w/ your WW.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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