Now that you mention it, I do remember your deal believer.


I have no idea the percentages. Never did a study. And I did start the list with "Normal," which means more or less just like the rest of us. From what TOR said, the OW in his case is sorta like a stereotype, which is what you had chasing you.

Problem with lesbians is that much of their culture centers around bars where they socialize. They feel safe from the stares and frowns when they are with "Their own kind."

My next door neighbor found his wife gone when he came home from a trip. She left him for another woman. It was a "Normal" deal, as if she had an affair with another man and not a predator. Her deal lasted four or five years and then they split up. Kids never did accept the new woman.

The reward dopamine is gonna be so high in Tor's situation that it is gonna probably take the kids to break through the fog. One of them is already complaining.

Larry

As far as making it public do I go as far as making a post on Facebook to let everyone in my friends list know what she is doing in having an affair or is that too drastic/desparate. I feel bad she got the best of me this evening as we were talking about the kids and I started talking about the relationship asking her why she's having the affair and what is she hoping to get out of it or the end of the whole situation...she said I wouldn't want to know why and that she wasn't happy in our marriage because of the ups and downs. She's angry that I changed the kids therapy appt. so that her mom couldnt take them but rather I'm taking them. She said that i screwed them out of an extra session cause I'm taking them a wk later...I said well they wouldn't need therapy if you weren't having an affair and had moved out. I know this was wrong and deviates from plan A. Shes also mad cause I said i was busy this w/e and couldn't have the kids even though it would be the only time she would have seen them this week she just wants to run off and play. My poor kids are begging for time with just her but she keeps saying that its me that tells them to say that. What is everyones opinion about telling a 9yr old his mom is having an affair with a woman? I want to fight for her very badly but I'm not ready to set a date to change plans by or threaten divorce as I think right now she would just say alright lets split although money wise she'd be screwed. I [censored] hate this and I want it to end. Sorry for my language.

Tor


and


Until you get firm control of yourself, you cannot get control of your end of your situation. Until you get control of your end of the situation, nothing will change.

Wanting it to end means you get in control of yourself. And it will end when it will end, wishing won't help, it just makes it worse. Your situation will change as you make the right moves.

The change will either make things better or lead to divorce.

Divorce is where you are headed any way unless something changes.

Your wife is not dealing with reality right now, she is dealing with her personal narrative, what she tells herself is real as influenced by the trophy hunter who is influencing her. You cannot influence her with direct statements.

Don't fear the possibility of divorce, it could be your best friend. Now why did I say that? Think about it.

Larry

Let me understand this. The only time she sees the kids is on the weekend? Or about how many hours a week does she have them vs you having them?

the past three weeks yes she has only seen them approx. 35 hrs per week-end on average...that includes the Easter week-end which the kids and the WW was off for 4 days. and of the week end hours spent with the kids...the OW was with her and the kids 48 total hours over the 3 w/e's. I have been off work until this week and now I'm back but I work 12hr shifts so I can take them ion my days off and take them to school on days I work evenings. on the days my WW works she can't take them or pick them up from school she has to rely on her parents or me so the week end is really the only time she can spend with them. So what about how much exposure...to the son? on facebook? what to do? I understand I still have work for self control and thanks for the reminder!!! I also havent thanked everyone for some time for all your support and advice....THANK-YOU!

Tor-You should know that any time the kids spend with HER parents also work towards the time that the courts deem as HER time when it comes to child support. Make sure that you have documented proof that you spend a minimum of 40%of the time taking care of your children. That way you will not have to pay her support. In Canada, we have to be separated for 1 year before we can file for a divorce so right now, D is off the table. Legal separation is a different matter. Have you gone to a lawyer at all? I believe that if you have the kids at least 50% of the time, you can apply for the CCTB.

As far as what you tell your son about who your wife's affair partner is, what have you told him about same sex relationships up to this point? You would tell your son that your wife is having an affair, just like you would if it was an OM instead of OW. Have a discussion with your son about how married people are not supposed to be with anyone else. Explain it the way that you believe it and the way that you have taught him up until this point. Don't make your WW the villain make the adultery the villain. Tell your son that the OW is an enemy to your family. Explain it. I am sure he knows that something is going on.

Of course he knows! All of a sudden, dad is out of the picture and mom has OW tagging along everywhere. I would sit down and explain that the OW is interfering in the family. Explain that when people are married, they don't have boyfriends or girlfriends.

Also I would start being "busy" some weekends. Or only available for 4 hours on Sat. and 2 hours Sunday evening. Don't facilitate the affair.

And as far as your LB'ing about why kids need counseling, sometimes I think it needs to be said. She may throw back that YOU caused some problems too, but you are dealing with them and making changes.

I wrote a facebook msg to the OW's mother telling her what is going on. However I found out tonight at dinner that the OW's mother apparently gave my kids chocolate at Easter despite having never met them so I guess I see where her morals are too...unless she doesn't know about me and the marriage still being intact. yes i do tell her I'm busy on week-ends and that is why she has had them the last 3 week-ends but with me going back to work I work every other week-end so she will want then here on the week-ends i'm off. The kids tonight were complaining about the OW and how much time she is with them and my WW. My 5 yr old stated that she "hates her now" and "doesn't want to be her friend". My son has voiced this to his mom but she tells him he's "making things difficult" apparently. Ya and she's not? I still don't know how far to go with the exposure thing? Facebook posting? just her principle? letters to family members?

Admitting anything to WW simply fuels her personal narrative. The trophy hunter will not like having her fun interrupted. She will show resentment to kids. They won't like her as it is. This is the key. While it is never a good idea to use kids as weapons and to be avoided at all cost, they have a mom and mom needs to do her job. If that interferes with her relationship with trophy hunter, that is a good thing, not a bad one.

TOR - write out your plan. Keep in your wallet. What is your plan right this minute. What specifically are you going to do to bust up your wife's affair? What exact steps. Think. . .

Larry

my son has limited knowledge re: same sex stuff other than the idea that men don't apparently marry men etc. Do I explain to him that the amount of time that mom spends with OW makes her a "girlfriend" and that is not right when yo uare married etc.? I don't want to confuse him at all. I feel so bad as it is. They are now begging to stay with me but I can't with my shift work.

Can you hire help? Are your parents available? Your explanation sounds reasonable. More time with mom and OW is not a bad thing so long as you maintain as close to 50% time with them that you can. Document your time, please. Like Scottie said. . .

Larry

I don't know what to do...it seems so simple yet so complicated at times. I'm trying to be the person she married but yet it's hard when she is hurting my kids and i want revenge for that. Its also hard when i have nobody else supporting me here to help me fight this battle. and my WW doesn't listen to her own kids and their feelings.

No both my parents are dead...all I have is a sister who has her own husband, son and one on the way and lives 45 mins away. I have had them more tahn 50% and plan to try as this is what I want...never mind the money.

WARNING!

Keep a personal journal, preferably in hand writing and DATED and time stamped. Go back and document using different pens what has happened in the past. Here is why!


If your kids are negative with OW, WW will BLAME you. In her present state, she is capable of doing just about anything, up to and including blaming you for domestic violence or whatever.

Document exactly you have told the kids. EXACTLY!

Remember, trophy hunter is fully capable of the most underhanded, sneaky, devious and hurtful acts known to mankind and she has WW ear (and brain). Trophy hunter is fully capable of using your kids to hurt you, without remorse.

Buy a recorder at Radio Shack. Record conversations with WW.

I hope others chime in with additional advice on this.

Larry

You need to do your exposure with the school/school district.

Say something like your wife and the OW are having an affair, and doing a lot of it on school time. You have 2 children who miss there mom who spends all of her weekends with the OW. Ask what the school plans to do about it.

Also I think I would contact your wife's parents and ask for their help. Tell them that your kids are begging to live with you because wife is so involved with the OW. Let them know it would be impossible and ask if they have any ideas.

My WW's parents are aware of the whole sit. as my WW is living with them. They are in total denial of the affair despite seeing all the texts and knowing how much time WW and OW spend together and how the children feel. They veiw it as "support from a friend" you have to remember my inlaws are slightly [censored] in the head. My MIL was calling child services to tell them i was emotionally unstable...the day after she had to kick her own husband out of a restaurant for verbally assulting me in the middle of it using F'bombs" every 3 words. My inlaws only thing is to protect the kids...and the are very over protective more than an overprotective parent...my MIL has great trouble with boundries...ie she would cut our kids hair without asking...and she is by far a hair stylist, keep our kids home from school for no reason or asking. Took them to a naturalist for treatment without consulting us etc. This is what I have had to also deal with all these years...and my WW will defend her mom to the grave.

YIKES! I would still contact them, but only being worried about the kids. Don't care how crazy they are, they need to have someone mentioning that things are not normal.

K well I will talk to MIL tomorrow. My son told me today that the MIL told him that I have been lying to ppl about what is going on and stuff. They are really trying to protect their baby girl.

What was the result of the CPS complaint?

Larry

Nothing it all got cleared up i explained the whole story and told them that I have nothing to hide and spilled the beans. My file is closed....no issues with them at all now.