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We call this a roller coaster ride, for a reason.

Fasten your seatbelt, and HANG ON !
SCREAMING is allowed (on the forum, not at home)


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Quote:
My wife has stated the reason she continued to hide the details of the affair (something as simple as who purchaed the baseball tickets for the game you the the other man attend) were her way of not adding to the pain/hurt I am going through.

Yep. Typical.

Quote:
I know that the affair started as just idle chit chat on the computer and turned into "how bad both of their marriages were" and "what their spouses where doing wrong or not doing at all". I feel that I let this happen but not paying attention to all the signs right in front of my face.

Yep. Typical. Except: you've got to learn that you IN NO WAY caused your WW to have an A. She made that decision all on her own. I don't care if you had a totally lousy marriage. Having an affair is a selfish decision that is made outside of the marriage by one individual.

Quote:
I can't stop thinking about if I would have done this or would have done that - all of this would not have happened. I know she made the decision to not confront me about what was wrong in our marriage just as much as I didn't confront her or myself with what was wrong. I also know her and her alone decided to lie, deceive and finally cheat on a physical level.

Keep saying that til it's ingrained within you.

Quote:
I feel like the past several months (all the things we did together were a complete lie) my 10 year anniversay is a lie - how could she have sex with another man 4 days before a milestone in our lives and talk to him on the phone on our anniversary and have an online sex chat session the day after.

The amount of time over the past several months that she has communicated with the other man is amazing to me, what did that have to talk on the phone about, text about, chat online about and how could she just be able to walk away with out looking back, without a withdrawl (I am happy if this is the case as I don't know if I would be stong enough to go through seeing her missing another man that she became emotional attached to and had sexaul relations with).

We feel ya.

Quote:
All of our conversations seem to somehow tie back to the affair and I understand it has only been 12 days now since I discovered it. How could I have been so disconnected from my wife that I did not see all of this. I am ashamed of myself - I have so much hurt / pain / hopelessness - but know that she is trying just as hard as I am.

Yep. Typical. It's going to be like this for awhile. It'll be the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep, and the first thing on your mind when you wake up. He77, it'll even wake you up in the middle of the night! crazy

But: IT GETS BETTER. Scrawl that on your bathroom mirror. Post-it note it on your fridge. Put it on a sticky note and attach it to your steering wheel. IT GETS BETTER.

Quote:
Sorry for the long post - I just had to get this off my chest.

Yep. Typical. grin


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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So - Am I on the right path?

I know that when I would come home and not pay attention to my wife, when I didn't talk to her about her day, when I didn't take part in the chores, (when I didn't participate in life) she found someone else to. Her fault not mine, she could have screamed, she could have yelled and she could have done what was necessary to get my attention.

So I have, since finding out about the affair - started to participate, I empty the dish washer, I call her often to discuss her day, I talk with her after our work day is over. I stay up later than 8:30pm to spend time with her, I don't allow us to go to bed at seperate times.

I feel I am doing and doing and doing because I wasn't in the past but is this the right course of action, is this what I am supposed to be doing? It does make me happy, knowing that I am making her happy again and in return she is investing time back in me and not someone else.

I don't want her to get the false sense that I have "brushed this affair under the rug" because I am taking an active role in making us work again.

The pain is right under the surface and can and will come boiling up to the top at any given moment. For instance going to the bar that she met the other man (a place that we always went, we took all of our out of town visitors).

I guess how I deal with those issues will be the true testiment to if things are getting better for me.


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Pep -

Thanks, I have ordered Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs, Her Needs. I will add that one to my list.

JP


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Tell your WW you will stop talking about the Affair after she has answered all of your questions.

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Originally Posted By: jpowelle5
The pain is right under the surface and can and will come boiling up to the top at any given moment. For instance going to the bar that she met the other man (a place that we always went, we took all of our out of town visitors).

I guess how I deal with those issues will be the true testiment to if things are getting better for me.


jpowell, you are doing great!! Except this last part. You will want to AVOID places and things that trigger you so cross that bar off your list. That is how you should deal with it - DON'T GO THERE. It will take a few years to get over these triggers, so you both should avoid them.

And she most certainly should avoid going out alone or doing anything that might make it easy for her to resume her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My husband empties the dishwasher now too. That made me giggle. It sounds like you are on the right path. She is lucky to have you.

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Thank you all.

We had a great day yesterday, we talked on the phone, we met and had dinner after work. We went home and had great conversation. It was finally not about the affair and then:

While she was on FB (I was at the computer with her) she was going through some mobile uploaded pictures and there were two pictures from the weekend she went to visit her friend. They were of her and her girlfriend and her and the girlfreinds children and like a Mack Truck - I was hit with all of the emotional pain again.

All I could think about was her meeting up with the other man, how they had sex together two nights, how she woke up in bed with him two mornings in a row. How I called on Tuesday morning and she answered the phone and she was with him. I broke down and started crying uncontrolably. UPS and DOWNS - just like a rollercoaster!

MelodyLane - How can I not go there, how can I stop going to the places that have always made me happy. How can I reclaim my town without facing it head on. I am running the 1/2 marathon this weekend and will be running right down town. I wish I could erase the memories but I can't and I won't let what they did drive me out of my own town.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Originally Posted By: jpowelle5


MelodyLane - How can I not go there, how can I stop going to the places that have always made me happy. How can I reclaim my town without facing it head on. I am running the 1/2 marathon this weekend and will be running right down town. I wish I could erase the memories but I can't and I won't let what they did drive me out of my own town.

Jay


jpowell, in your vulnerable state, those triggers are going to reclaim YOU and hinder your recovery. They represent a terrible tragedy. It is too soon to trigger yourself like that. Better to wait a few years until you are stronger in your recovery and THEN reclaim them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
MelodyLane - How can I not go there, how can I stop going to the places that have always made me happy. How can I reclaim my town without facing it head on. I am running the 1/2 marathon this weekend and will be running right down town. I wish I could erase the memories but I can't and I won't let what they did drive me out of my own town.


j, there's this great little italian eatery not too far from us. H & I used to go there frequently, before his A. It's been almost a year and & half now since we've gone. Because he took the OW there for lunch once during their A. Applebee's is out for us, too, for the same reason.

You may not be able to go back to some places. You may need to find new places and have happy experiences there. The time may come when those places won't trigger you. Until then don't concentrate on the places where you can't go, concentrate on where you can go.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Your D-Day is very recent. You are, IMO, rushing recovery. Give yourself time to heal, to calm down, to regain strength and trust. Nurture yourself and your M, don't push it.

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Thanks again for your words of wisdom. I understand that I am probablly rushing recovery - I know there isn't a magic shutoff switch to turn off the emotions I am feeling.

I question if I will I ever be able to go to a baseball game again without thinking that is where they went, how will I be the next time we have to stay in a hotel, any hotel, knowing that they did.

I forced myself to go into the bar they met up at, I had one beer asked where they sat and sat in the same booth they sat in. Did it help, I can't be for sure but I felt a little sense of power amoung all the pain. I felt like I stood up and yelled this is my town and you can't have it. It may sound stupid put this is how I felt even if it was for a short moment. It was like facing my biggest fear head on (perhaps too soon though).

I would like to think there is a day in the future that the topic of our conversations will not turn back to the affair. The wounds are fresh and get reopened when I find new things to ask.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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IMHO, it's too soon for you to try to be reclaiming these things. Some things may be able to reclaimed eventually, but by pushing it too soon you are hindering your R. It only gets those movies in your mind going and keeps your thoughts on that crazy hamster-wheel-of-thoughts-about-the-affair.

We actually moved out of state in order to avoid many triggers. It was a tough decision but the best thing we could have done for our recovery. Now when we go back enough time has passed that I don't trigger like I used to....the triggering isn't completely gone but it's definitely lessened.

Getting into a good, solid recovery is crucial as well.

I'm sorry you are hurting....recovery is gnarly and not for wimps.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

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Hi Jay,
Sorry that you are here, but glad you found MB. I have only been here recently myself.
I would advise caution re: no withdrawl. My husband also said he was not feeling withdrawl and it turned out that was because she was emailing him from an account I didn't know he had and calling him on his work phone. He was proud of himself because they were no longer physical and he was telling her how WE were doing. Ugh.
I find myself obsessing over the details often and have asked him for the full story multiple times...only realizing recently that he was leaving out parts to make it "easier" on me. I have asked him to write out the whole story, every detail, so that I can see it and hopefully be done.
There are good days and bad days as everyone has said. When he tells me I am using angry outbursts it is all I can do to not take his head off and yell YOU DESERVE IT!!!! But who would that help.
I can tell you reading Surviving an Affair has been helpful to both of us and reading other blogs. We are also getting counseling which keeps us working.
It is hard, really hard, but the alternative is worse to me!!


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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I'm not a veteran here, but from my own experience of being betrayed, the questions go on for months! My WH is patient with me most of the time. I still ask questions, though not as many as the first couple months. I'm hopeing at some point I will have asked "all" the questions....though I doubt it.

I still look through his blackberry each night. And he willing answers anything I may ask. He understands that he is responsible for the me "having" to do that and takes full responsibility.

You have a long road ahead, as do I. The MB site has been key in my recovering! Hang in there!


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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I will take your advice and refrain from going to the places that cause me so much pain (that allow my mind to start playing back what I know of the affair).

The reason I know that this is the correct thing to do is: I drove downtown to pick up my race packet for this Saturday's 1/2 marathon and as I got closer and closer to downtown my chest got tighter and tighter to the point I almost had a panic attack.

We have some friends coming to town to visit and run it with me and I am not sure how I will hold up (they do not know about the affair).

I do worry about the (NO WITHDRAWL) thing. I worry she emails him from her work account or uses her work LAN line phone to call him and I do not have a way to check that. I have to just believe that it is not happening, which everyone knows it is hard to believe after you have found out about so many lies.

Thanks to everyone who has posted here. I have read just about all of the Q&A's and read several of the posts in the forum. I bet I spend about 2.5 hours a day on this site reading and reflecting.

I wait for my books to arrive so I can start reading them as well.

Good luck to everyone, I know I will need it as well.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Recovering a M after adultery is a long, hard, painful journey. The MB plan provides for not just M recovery but personal R as well. Plan A as become a permanent part of my life in that I strive to continue to meet my DH's ENs, eliminate LBs and be the best me that I can possibly be. I don't intend to neglect my DH or myself ever again.


You will go through many changes in the coming months and you will find that there is always someone here that is going through it too or has been through it. You will not find that IRL.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Another sleepless night ---

I know this recovery process is a long, hard, painful journey. And it sure does suck but I know it is worth more to me to go through this than it is to give up.

We discussed the last physical contact - all aspects, kissing, hand holding, locations where they ate, when she checked into the hotel, when he got there, pretty much everything I could think of to ask at that particular time.

We went to bed around 10pm and I woke up in a panic around 11:30pm remembering she purchased a shirt for the opening day game. I got up went and checked the bank statement and found out it was 10 days prior to that weekend. I woke my wife up with the question of how long before the weekend did she know she was going to see him and insisted she throw the shirt in the trash.

Needless to say I never fully got back to bed. We did make love in the morning and it made me feel better emotionally also...

It sometimes feel like I just found out though. Two weeks after DDay and it doesn't feel like I have made much progress. I guess like anything else (1 day at a time).

Thanks for reading.

JP


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Originally Posted By: jpowelle5
Two weeks after DDay and it doesn't feel like I have made much progress.


You are doing fine.
Remember, this will take a long time, even when both spouses are walking the walk.

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