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Originally Posted By: kaycstamper

Originally Posted By: DarkSands
he only responded when someone "winked" at him, he did not initiate any contact.

Well I am assured then, because that means he would only have an affair with someone who initiated contact with him, that's okay then.


IMHO, that's being sarcastic and nasty. I would never post something like that on here, considering that the people here usually have some type of problem with their relationship (yeah, obviously that would be me included). As if the hurt from the person you love is not enough...

Thanks GreenGables. At least you asked some logical questions. That's helpful as opposed to reading some of the other posts which are not.

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DarkSands,
I knew you wouldn't like what I wrote but I'm trying to get your attention. You asked advice, you got it, then you argued it at every point. If you prefer to bury your head in the sand and get the consequences that follow, then go do so. We HAVE been there, we're trying to spare you, don't you get that? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to wake you up! It's much less painful to get a truthful comment from me than to go through what will undoubtedly follow, but the choice is yours, I think you've already made it...in fact, I think you made it before your first post here.


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Kay,
You have to be sarcastic in order to get someone's attention? That's just sad.

I have no need to "argue"...just providing more information. Not everything is as black and white as you seem to think it is. And I am well aware of the possible consequences - IF YOU READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO.

I don't need you to "spare" me or "wake me up", thanks.

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DS, I think the general consensus is you're wasting your time with this guy. We want something better for you. I'm 98% sure you deserve something better. And, I know you can't find Mr. Right if you're involved with Mr. Wrong.

I'd like for you to be dating a man who after a month or two, just tells you over dinner "Oh, by the way, I took down my match profile."


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Dark, listen to GG! Ok. Do yourself a favor. Think about how you want to be treated and don't settle for less.

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Originally Posted By: DarkSands
Thanks GreenGables. At least you asked some logical questions.


I'm curious, how come you won't answer some of the questions we ask you? Like GG's above, or the ones I asked you earlier:

Quote:
have you confronted him about this? Have you told him how you feel about it?


AGG

Last edited by AGoodGuy; 04/28/10 03:16 PM.

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Probably because it breaks her denial bubble.


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I wonder if she's related to bingo?


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GreenGables and AGG:

I did answer some of your questions:
He knows that it upsets me, and the last time I confronted him he offered to give me the passwords to his email accounts and said I could keep his phone.

As to some of your questions AGG, I'm not sure of some of the answers. No, it's not okay for him to leave himself as available and talk to women who think he's in the market, and I have told him so. It's not okay for him to IM or email a woman who thinks he's looking for a girlfriend. I know he has emailed women, not sure about IM, but probably. It's not okay for him to talk on the phone to a woman other than the women friends that he has told me about. I'm not sure if he has done this or not. It's definitely not ok for him to meet a woman that he's talked to on the net in person. I'm fairly certain that he has not done this.

What are my boundaries? I'm upset that he has done these things. Am I upset enough to dump him? Honestly I have thought about it. I came very close a couple of times. While I cannot say exactly what stopped me, all I know is that it was the wrong thing to do.

This is not the first relationship that I have ever had. The past three marriages have taught me a lot, and one of the things I've had to learn over the years is a certain amount of tolerance for the differences between two people. Two people don't always view things in the same way - and for some of the people who post here: not everything is as black/white as you make it out to be. I don't think he views what he does as wrong, as being unfaithful, as being dishonorable. I think he sees it as protecting himself to a degree and has a "you can look as long as you don't touch" view towards it. And yes, that bothers me. Because I don't look at it the same way - I would not do this to him or any other man that I was committed to.

So - perhaps you're right, he's keeping his options open. He's had two fairly bad marriages. Maybe he does not feel quite safe enough with me to let the "flirting" go yet. Does that mean he won't ever? I don't know. I know that he wants to settle down again, have a family again and be responsible for a wife and children again, he's made that clear to me and to his family and friends.

Does all the above mean I'm wasting my time? Perhaps. But I've always believed in giving people or situations as much of a chance as possible - and this is no exception. I'm well aware of how to protect myself financially - and I know that I'm running a high risk of getting hurt. That's part of life, and it's familiar ground.

For those of you who feel the need to be sarcastic or compare me to other posters, please go find someone else to harass. Thank you AGG, GreenGables, Starving, Rosey and Cinderella...for trying to help. I am grateful.

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DS,

I appreciate your response, and I think I understand your mindset better.

Me, I spent over 8 years dating after my divorce, and I happen to have a slightly different view of relationships than you. I don't believe that it's worthwhile to hope that someone will change to suit your needs/wants. I know that differences will always exist, but you have to separate them into small things and big things. Of course only you can decide what you consider small and what you consider big.

But in my dating experiences, I have learned to not try to fit a round peg into a square hole. It always resulted in drama and hurt. I read some really good books on dating (such as Will Our Love Last?), which helped me understand how to find compatibility with someone (and how not to settle). Now that I got remarried last summer to someone with whom there is no drama, not compromising, and no significant incompatibilities, I am glad I did not settle.

Again, it is up to you, but I happen to think that having an "it's OK to look as long as I don't touch" attitude in a partner is an accident waiting to happen. People with such poor boundaries, IMO, are poor marriage prospects. I would look for someone who removes all profiles the day you agree to become exclusive. But again, that is just me.

I'm sure you'll make the decision that's right for you smile.

AGG


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Well Dark.

My input is like so many others here. He is keeping the door open for a better deal.

All I can guess is that you accept this because you want to do the same.


You might feel you can handle this kind of "ahem" "Grownup" kind of relationship but I doubt anyone here will support anything that will hurt either of you in the long run.

Why not just stay single and treat him like he is treating you? But please be careful thier are a lot of things that can still hurt you. Especcially since you have recently become a widow.

This relationship is not one you should be moving into the next stage. IMO..as a guy.. Who is widowed. If you have experienced marriage before at its best why would you want to settle for this?

Be careful..


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
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Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Dark, I think we're trying to tell you that we would hate to think you might be in denial about what might be fixing to happen. We know that discovery is really stinky.

And, in case you don't know what that is like, Sharon Jones is standing ready and able to tell the story with this song, "I Learned the Hard Way".

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DS, I recently met someone through a dating site, and we hit it off pretty well. It's been a short time, but she has mentioned taking her profile down. I don't have any desire to do that, not because I'm open to a different/better model or anything like that, but because I'm not sold out on this girl yet. Would I initiate contact with women? No. Would I respond to them? Yes, if I was remotely interested. I don't think I'd take it more then friends and let them know I wasn't available at the moment.

I guess for me, it means that I'm not at 'that stage' yet. In my case, I shouldn't be. I'm not sure that the fact that he's looking to upgrade if the oppurtunity comes up, but I think it definitely means that he's not ready for living together. Besides, you aren't going to scare him off by saying you aren't ready to live together...it's a more then reasonable request.

Who's idea was it to move in togehter, yours or his?


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DS,
It sounds like you're starting to listen a bit. I would really like to spare you what I went through in my last relationship. I heard it once said, "He (she) that has the least invested has the upper hand." That makes sense...you seem to care more, be more committed, so that gives him the upper hand. Perhaps if you pulled back a bit...keep him guessing. Of course, if you don't like having to play games, and some of us don't, maybe someone else would be better suited for you. You see, you're willing to give more, commit more, but is he ready to reciprocate likewise? It doesn't sound like it. Just be careful is all I'm saying...be very careful. Myself, I wouldn't accept this situation, I wouldn't be comfortable with it, too many red flags for my comfort.


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DS,

Maybe you mentioned it, but I cannot find the answer - how long have you known your BF?

AGG


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DKD:

This is exactly the type of insight that I need from a male point of view. It sounds exactly like what my boyfriend does, with only one difference. I think he is trying to "get to that stage"...he is the one who made the first move about living together, not me. It was his idea, and he is the one who contacted the real estate agent, requested loan information and asked his mom and sister to look around for a house. I'm not pushing the issue...not because I don't want to be with him on a full time basis but because I want it to be his "idea", not mine.

You said that you would respond to women if you were remotely interested, but not take it more than friends. Is it only because you haven't been with the girl you met through the dating site for long? Or is there another reason (if you don't mind me asking)?

SORTED:

I don't feel that I am "settling". I am an intelligent, confident and reasonably good looking woman. I am friends with a lot of men, but my boyfriend is the only one who has been allowed past the emotional wall for many reasons. Every relationship has it's "best" moments and it's "worst" moments, I am not looking for perfect, because there is no such thing.

CINDERELLA:

If I was in denial, I would not be on this forum. Again, I am well aware of the risks of getting hurt in this relationship. And I'll tell you something else - yes, this man has the ability to hurt me because I have allowed him that power...yet I have survived worse hurt before. I am more afraid of losing the chance that I see at happiness with this man than I am afraid of getting hurt. Regrets are harder to live with than hurt is.

KAY:
I still haven't quite forgiven you for your sarcasm...but you are right. While I don't like playing games, I do pull back once in a while and he comes running after me. I don't do it very often mostly because I know that the previous relationships he had were not good ones, so I try to make it as comfortable and as "safe" as I can for him. On the other hand, making someone too comfortable leads to being taken for granted...so it's a very fine line to walk.

AGG:

I've known him for 5 months.

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Originally Posted By: DarkSands

You said that you would respond to women if you were remotely interested, but not take it more than friends. Is it only because you haven't been with the girl you met through the dating site for long? Or is there another reason (if you don't mind me asking)?


Well, it's partly because I haven't been dating long and it just seems like I'm getting ahead of myself if I'm shutting off every possibility of someone else. Even though I really just am not the type to dating more then one at a time.

The other reason though is that it seems to provide a lot of confidence, knowing that women out there are interested in me. On top of that, it is some what of a fantasy type feeling to imagine going out with some of these women. The two kind of go together, and it is going to be a little difficult to give that up when the time comes.

I can't say that your BF feels the same way as I do. We are different people at different ages with different experiences. I do know that I will have to give this up at some point if the relationship continues because it's just not healthy for the relationship. A long the same lines, I have a female friend, and that friendship has to fade out quite a bit if I want a healthy relationship.

As well, I would not move in with someone else. I simply don't see the point of it. If I'm going to commit full time like that, if I'm that sure, I don't see the point of renting with an option to buy so to speak. I'd rather just do it or wait till I'm absolutely sure. I feel like marriage has a bond to it that can make the difference.

For one thing, I have young kids, and I feel like that would not be habit I'd want to teach them.


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"Loan information" Please, please, tell me you are not going to take out a loan or sign a lease with this man.

Also, I'm a bit confused. Was the plan to move in together or was it just a vauge idea? If it was, why is he taking his mom and sister house hunting?

"I am more afraid of losing the chance that I see at happiness with this man than I am afraid of getting hurt. Regrets are harder to live with than hurt is." Why do you need to be afraid of losing the chance of happiness you see with this man? After just 5 months of dating, you don't really know what that chance of happiness is. The phermones haven't worn off, everyone is still on their best behavior.


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Okay Dark Sands...I am fairly new here, and probably won't say what you want to hear, but really I think you need to stop and really really evaluate this situation.

My ex husband used dating sites to cheat on my throughout our relationship. He convinced me the first couple of times that it was "just to meet friends" or that he wasn't doing anything wrong and I loved him so I wanted to believe he wasn't cheating on me. But he was. He was cheating me out of the connection he should have been having just with me as the person he was committed to. If your BF is doing this now I can almost guarantee that he will continue to do it later. Five months in is when things should still be great, not when you should be worried about his continued dating profile issues.

I went through years of this and if I had just set the boundary early on that it's not okay I would have saved myself lots of trouble and heart ache.

I also just noticed the line where you say it was your BF that initiated the idea of moving in together. It was my ex that initiated that in our relationship too...he also begged me to marry him. He was "so in love with me" and wanted a life together and the whole time he was lying to me and trying to get with other women. I see so many signs of my former relationship in what you write about your situation.

I do agree that regret is harder to live with than hurt...unless it ends up being that you regret allowing someone to hurt you when you knew better.

I think that you know what you should do. I think you came here hoping that someone would tell you that it isn't as big of a deal as it feels like it is. But, honey, it's a big deal...capital B. Either he's commited or he's not. Set the boundary and see how it goes, but don't, please, please don't move in with him right now.

Last edited by MelissaK24; 04/30/10 11:17 AM.
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Something is not right here. OK, I can see that if you've only known him 5 months, he may still be on dating sites, assuming he considers you two to not be exclusive. Are you exclusive? If you are, then there is no justifiable explanation for him to be on dating sites. If you are not exclusive, then I really don't understand the house hunting stuff. And if you ARE exclusive and he IS on dating sites, well then you got bigger issues to deal with.

I also don't buy the "no relationship is perfect" and "I don't want to throw away my chance at happiness". That is the classic settling attitude that most folks will warn against. When someone is not behaving the way you need them to behave during DATING, you can be sure that it'll only get worse after the knot is tied.

I dunno DS, this just does not seem like a relationship worth continuing, if you only have 5 months invested in it. Big red flags, IMO.

AGG


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