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I would call the BH's house disguising your phone # using *67 and ask for the H. Give him your full name and tell him you are deeply sorry but he has a right to know about the affair you have been having with his wife. Give him the facts and tell him how sorry you are. Promise to never contact her again. Then give him your phone # and email for follow up questions. Ask for his email so you can cc him on an email ending contact with his wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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After you end the affair and tell her husband, you then need to tell your ex-wife.

If she has not remarried, there is a chance that you could rebuild a wonderful marriage with her, following the MarriageBuilders principles. If your ex-wife is willing to try, you CAN fall in love with her again.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Melody Lane, I feel you are way out of line. This person is not looking for sympathy, and you have reacted way emotional instead of professional and helpful. He is asking advice which is why we are here.
Joey,
All parties involved have the right to know. When someone is cheating on you, even if you don't know outright, your subconscious mind often knows and it takes it's toll on you physically and mentally and emotionally. The woman's husband has a right to know that he is not crazy, that there is a reason he feels as he undoubtedly does.
You should not contact her again. You should let your boss know what happened and that you cannot deal with her in the firm...they will either accommodate that wish or let you go, but it's a price you should be willing to make in light of what the two of you have done. Please remember, in the future, a cheater does not make good marriage material. The woman lied to her husband, lied to you, she was not a catch or deserving of love, she is just a cheater and liar. Yes, get tested, asap. If you have something, the health department can get in touch with her, but do not contact her for any reason. And Joey, change your contact information after you've told her no more contact...block her on Facebook, change your email address and phone number, if she has your address, change your PO Box number, but make it hard for her to know where you are.


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The sad thing with this Joey is your exwife never had a chance as long as you were emotionally attached to another woman. What does this say about you and relationships? Read and do what the vets, which include former cheaters, tell you.

Good luck

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
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Joey,

How are you going to explain what you did to your next wife? If you make your apologies to the poor husband you can at least demonstrate that you understood what you did wrong and made amends. If not you will have a horrible secret to hide for your next relationship. This is about re-establishing YOUR integrity.

If the case is that her husband cheated or your wife cheated that is still no excuse for you to do what you did.

Gamma

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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Melody Lane, I feel you are way out of line. This person is not looking for sympathy, and you have reacted way emotional instead of professional and helpful. He is asking advice which is why we are here.

Kay, I feel you are out of line telling others how to post. There is no need to gloss over his sleazy behavior, nor are we "professionals." There is nothing "unprofessional" about accurately describing sleazy behavior. This young man needs to fully understand what he has done and hear how others see him in an objective, realistic light. There is nothing out of line in that.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Gamma
This is about re-establishing YOUR integrity.

Agree, Gamma.

Joey, I would send the MW a letter similar to this, except changed to suit your situation.. I would be a good idea to cc her H also so he can see you are serious:

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you all for your input. Hopefully I can step up and do this. I know I need to do it. The sooner the better. In regards to the ex, there is no way that will work. We are through with each other.

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Originally Posted by joey123
Thank you all for your input. Hopefully I can step up and do this.

Well, hope is not a plan. What it will take is a DECISION to do the right thing. You CAN step up and do the right thing *IF* you make the decision to do it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by gg615
The sad thing with this Joey is your exwife never had a chance as long as you were emotionally attached to another woman.
I was thinking the exact thing. Sad.

Integrity is a powerful word isn't it.

This BH needs to know now.

Your xBW needs to know too, not only for the tests already mentioned, but to know what gg615 wrote above.



M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by joey123
I did not come here for sympathy. I know I messed up and am trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I have disrespected her, as well as been disrespected. Telling her husband isn't easy as just calling and telling him. Or maybe it is. I don't know. How do I break something like this to the BS?

Call the man up and tell him. Tell him you are damn sorry and give him the full truth. He will be in shock, so ask him to write down your phone # and call you with follow up questions.

That will go along way in redeeming your honor, Joey. And your soul... We all make mistakes, but we demomstrate the strength of our character in how we right those wrongs. This is the only way you can make this right. Call the man, tell him the truth and then pledge to never ever contact this woman again.

How you handle this will define the kind of man you really are, Joey.

I wanterd to say this when I first saw his post....WAs waiting for a vet to say it....perfect ML

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Joey,

I want to offer you support in doing the right thing. I know it is hard to get yourself out of the situation that you got yourself in, and it's not easy to face the beating that you'll get in here. However, I just want to address some simple truths.

1) Men and women can't just be friends. You aren't in high school anymore. You need to get out of that mentality that guys and girls can hang out together and just be cool. You are an adult now. You need to move on to adult relationships. Men and women in committed relationships should not have close opposite friends outside of their relationship. That's called cheating. You were wrong to exchange phone numbers with a married woman. That's where you made your mistake, and you have been compounding it ever since. If you want to ever have a real, committed relationship with a woman in the future, you need to understand this simple truth. Men and women can only be friends if they are both single. If you want to have close opposite sex friendships, I would suggest staying single and have only single friends.

2) This WW is cake-eating. She likes certain aspects of her spouse and certain aspects of her affair partner. Now she has both. She's going to continue to try and have both. Her husband meets needs that you don't. You have no future with this woman, and even if thought you did, do you really think she wouldn't cheat on you? She's already proven herself to be a cheater.

3) It is that simple to end it. Find out her husband's contact info (probably on facebook), confess to him everything that has happened, and send him a no contact letter to give your affair partner. Change your contact info. Get a new job so you don't ever have contact with her again. The only way to end an affair is cold turkey. Just rip the bandaid off. Otherwise, your affair partner will manipulate you and suck you back in.

4) I know you feel like a bad person, but that feeling with stop if you do the right thing, end the affair, and ask for forgiveness. You can redeem yourself. Part of regaining your integrity is also telling your ex-wife, even if you have no interest in getting back with her. You were unfaithful to her, and you need to make that right as well.


Last edited by jmwc95; 05/04/10 07:50 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Joey,

I want to offer you support in doing the right thing. I know it is hard to get yourself out of the situation that you got yourself in, and it's not easy to face the beating that you'll get in here. However, I just want to address some simple truths.

1) Men and women can't just be friends. You aren't in high school anymore. You need to get out of that mentality that guys and girls can hang out together and just be cool. You are an adult now. You need to move on to adult relationships. Men and women in committed relationships should not have close opposite friends outside of their relationship. That's called cheating. You were wrong to exchange phone numbers with a married woman. That's where you made your mistake, and you have been compounding it ever since. If you want to ever have a real, committed relationship with a woman in the future, you need to understand this simple truth. Men and women can only be friends if they are both single. If you want to have close opposite sex friendships, I would suggest staying single and have only single friends.

2) This WW is cake-eating. She likes certain aspects of her spouse and certain aspects of her affair partner. Now she has both. She's going to continue to try and have both. Her husband meets needs that you don't. You have no future with this woman, and even if thought you did, do you really think she wouldn't cheat on you? She's already proven herself to be a cheater.

3) It is that simple to end it. Find out her husband's contact info (probably on facebook), confess to him everything that has happened, and send him a no contact letter to give your affair partner. Change your contact info. Get a new job so you don't ever have contact with her again. The only way to end an affair is cold turkey. Just rip the bandaid off. Otherwise, your affair partner will manipulate you and suck you back in.

4) I know you feel like a bad person, but that feeling with stop if you do the right thing, end the affair, and ask for forgiveness. You can redeem yourself. Part of regaining your integrity is also telling your ex-wife, even if you have no interest in getting back with her. You were unfaithful to her, and you need to make that right as well.

LOVE this post. Perfect. Joey you don't have to feel bad the rest of your life. But you have to right this wrong. And I do NOT agree with the idea that if you blow up their marriage maybe you can have her post divorce. You should never even consider being with her. A sign of true remorse is stopping the wrong.

I also agree that you need to tell your Xwife what you did. She deserves to know.

I don't think I've ever seen a story like this on MB...from the OM...I hope you stay with us and let the vets work through this with you. You won't be sorry.

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Joey, Jim is right. You can redeem yourself by telling the husband and your ex-wife the truth. You will feel better knowing you did the right thing.

Please have no more contact with her, not even to say goodbye or tell her you are contacting her husband. You contacting the husband may save their marriage and family.

You will be a better person for doing the right thing - this is one of those times that define you.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Joey,

One more thing. If you need an extra push to do the right thing, why don't you read some of the post of the other betrayed husbands on the board to see things through their eyes. One of them is a deployed soldier in Afghanistan while his WW screws around with a fellow officer. One poster's WW is a stay-at-home mom, so he'll be relegated to an every-other-weekend dad while his WW screws the OM and lives off his child and spousal support. Read some of their stories. Check out the stories of Gerkaguards, now_what, schtoop, jslowed, TryingEverything, arkhawk1, and maybe you'll get a slight glimpse of what it is like to be in their shoes.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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J, just wanted to say you are doing the right thing (once you do the right thing). I give you a lot of credit coming here.

The work you do if you follow people's advice here will serve you for the rest of your life. On the contrary if you don't follow the path laid out here, your actions will haunt you in ways you can't understand. My "one time" A's 8 years ago (not on the emotional scale of your situation, but still totally disgusting and disrespectful, shameful and wrong) contributed to an empty marriage and eventual divorce (in the process now). It was a little secret that should have been properly dealt with at the time.

Deal with this now. Be an honorable man. You won't regret it. Put it totally to rest and then come here to learn about true loving marriages and the principles behind how they work.

optimism


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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Hi Joey,
Welcome to Marriage builders.

While your not the first OM I have ever seen on these boards, I think you might be the first one who wanted to make it right. Well done

As others have said, you need to contact the BH and be completely honest with him about his WW's affair. Because he will initially be in shock - a shock that may last days, give him the ability to make contact with you afterwards. Also ditto what others have said re: the no contact letter and never contacting your married woman again.

You made a comment about your past marriage being completely over. Never say never as far as that goes. I personally know people on this board who have remarried, come back together after a 2 year separation, have repaired abusive marriages, and even recovered after multiple infidelities on both sides. Not ALL marriage recover, but MB will give the best chance of it.

If nothing else you really do owe your XW an explanation as to what your part in the demise of the marriage was. It may answer many questions she had never been able to put into words herself.

Kudo's for coming and admitting this on MB. You have the makings of a good honourable man. Expect some 2x4's here, especially if you give us a load of bull. Otherwise do read and learn why we do not accept the hollywood "follow your heart" message as being true and the side of adultery the media would pretend doesnt exist.


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Joey, Welcome to MB. I usually stay away from wayward spouses threads. I saw that you were an OM and I was going to stay FAR away. I saw that some very good people were posting though. Then I read what they were writing and I had to read.

I am happy that you have seen the "light" that shines in MB. My hope for you is that you will one day find the redemption by finding your way back to the right path.

You can do this. You have always known that you SHOULD do this.

Listen to the people here. Deal with the consequences of your actions. If you really ever loved your married woman affair partner, you would want her to get back to the correct path. She needs to do the right thing. If she doesn't, that doesn't concern you anymore. You need to do this for YOU. Do the RIGHT thing.

Also, I just heard yesterday that a D'd couple just got back together after 14 years. They were young when they married and had one child together. They divorced. They both went on to have other relationships and even other children with other people. They found eachother again. Who knows? They are gonna give it another go around.

You never know what the universe has planned for you. You never know what is around the corner. That's what makes life so FUN.

YOU CAN DO THIS.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Tell husband in person, **edit**

Last edited by Revera; 05/04/10 11:18 PM. Reason: TOS personal attack

BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Actually, TryingEverything, I think it took a lot of courage for Joey to come and post here! IF he's serious about fixing the massive problem he's created, that is.

Well, Joey, you've gotten tons of advice. What's your plan?


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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