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Welcome to MB, Joey. Read the posts you're getting carefully. The knowledge you take from this site will help you for life.

A few comments, just so you know where I come from. Then I'll repost with my thoughts on where you need to go from here.

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Before everyone bashes me for being the other guy, please believe me when I tell you that I thought her marriage was going to end soon...
Waywards usually say that. How else to justify screwing around on their poor unknowing spouse?

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In my mind we were just good friends.

More wayward-speak. Justification for the continued contact.

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At the time of all of this, I was coming to the end of my marriage.

Have you considered the damage you were doing to your own marriage while you were having this emotional affair? Even if you swear to yourself that you can keep the affair "in the office" it still affects every aspect of your life, and is like arsenic to a marriage.

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She told me she loved me after we met and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. We have spoken numerous times about one of us moving to the other persons state. We still talk and text everyday.

This must end TODAY. You are arsenic in their marriage, do you understand that?

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The whole time she has said she was ending her marriage, however nothing has been accomplished. She hasn't filed, hasn't done a thing.


Why would she do anything and screw up this great gig she's got going? doh2

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I truly am in love with her.
No, you are involved with her and getting your needs met by her. Involved and in love are two different things

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But she's married and I doubt she's going to end it.

Well, helllloooo - you've been seeing her for 10 months and she's going to MC with her husband???? Yathink??? clap


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Now I have a dilemma. I know I need to end this, but how?


Joey, when you throw a rock in a pond it doesn't just sink to the bottom. It casts ripples that stir up the rest of the pond. Your A is the same thing. It has affected more people than you know and DID NOT EXIST JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. You have some work to do in order to redirect your moral compass and try to make things right for the people you've damaged.

1. Call OWH and tell him. Today. You will more than likely shatter him, because believe me - he knows his M has been troubled, but he doesn't know why. He doesn't know his W is being unfaithful to him. Tell him so that he can have the reality of his M and his LIFE.

2. Send a letter to OW. Another poster has already given you the template.

3. Call your XW and tell her that you were having an A during the time of your M. I suspect you may have given some trumped-up reason for wanting out of your M - communication problems, compatibility problems, blah blah blah. Look hard at the truth of your marital history - your M had a chance until you looked elsewhere to have your needs met. That was the stake through the heart of your M. Your XW needs to know that something outside of her control caused the death of her M. This will be important for her as she goes forward into other relationships.

4. Going forward: You will meet other women. If they are married, turn and RUN. You have work to do to establish personal boundaries and maintain them. I hope you will read about that on this site. You are currently poor marriage material. Also, when you do meet The One (and she is out there, and is NOT married) you will need to be open and honest about this affair. She needs to know that you have had weak boundaries in the past. She needs to know this so she can make an informed decision about a relationship with you.

I have hope for you, Joey.


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Joey...

When you end it with OW...be sure to end it for good. Give absolutely no indication that you two will EVER work out (because you won't).

Mrs. W actually directed me over here with the fear that you MAY just be like some of the OW we've seen over the years that expose to their affair partner's unknowing spouse HOPING really to end the marriage. They FINALLY want to stir things up because they are starting to feel a bit...well, used (in a whorish kind of way) so they expose themselves hoping to land their affair partner when they get dumped by the betrayed spouse.

Really, when you look at it. You've kinda been like her secret pet. Her boy in waiting while she maintains her family and husband. Not a very respectful position for a man to be. Her personal gigilo.

Anyway...waywards lie. So I don't trust you and your words here one bit. However, IF you are telling the truth and truly want to do the right thing...DUMP the married woman. Do it immediately and don't give her ANY window of opportunity to reconciliation with you. She WILL TRY to keep her "poolboy" on the line. She wants BOTH you and her husband and she FEELS entitled to both. When you TRY to walk away....she will track you down and PROMISE YOU THE WORLD. If you give her a window of opportunity to be with you again...she MAY even walk out on her husband and MAKE IT APPEAR she is deciding, in YOUR favor...once and for all.

Don't fall for it. Be THROUGH being her scraps chump.

If you do fall for it (she'll be convincing)...Mark my words...whether it's the next week, the next month or two years from today, she will either run back to her husband OR cheat on you with the next sympathetic boy at work.

No matter where she goes...there she will be.

You seeming are aware that you're a dirtbag for what you've done so far but you can change and repent by turning from your sin....and sinning no more. Walk away...KNOWING...you'll be avoiding a life (well at least a few more years) of COMPLETE MISERY. You may think the last year or so was actually difficult...but you only got the "happy to see" affair partner. Oh nelly...she's a whole nother ball of entitled miserable fun when you've got her 24/7.

RUN AWAY...FAST. As in "I'm ending it. Forever. You are CRAZY and I don't care whether you divorce your husband or not...I'm DONE with you. Don't call me. Don't email me. It's over". You will likely have to really be mean to her to drive the point home. She won't LISTEN at all because she's an entitled monster...entitled to you. Until she GRANTS you the right to speak or have an opinion...she won't give it to you. She won't even respect your right to break up with her.

Then...24 hours after that. Email her husband as directed above. Tell him you ended the emotional and physical affair with his wife yesterday and that you are very sorry. That you hope they can repair the damage to their marriage that you helped cause but that regardless of their outcome you are done with the relationship with his wife FOREVER as nothing good has ever resulted from Adultery.

Do not give him advice. In fact...post it here BEFORE you send it as foggy waywards, like you, always mess these things up.

Mr. W

p.s. - Start putting out resumes. Time to leave that job and get away from her.


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Check that...

Do NOT wait 24 hours to call the husband. In fact...don't CALL or speak to the woman EVER AGAIN.

Don't give her any explanation.

Call her husband NOW and let him break up with her for you.

Give him an new email private email address to contact you with any questions he may have (he may need some proof like copies of emails or something as his wife will deny the affair and make you out to be some crazy co-worker set out to destroy her or her career).

If she harasses you at work thereafter the only contact you may have with her is by an email saying...

"It's over. Please respect my decision. I have broken up with you and if you do not stop harassing me I will have no other choice than to report this to management"

That's it. There is other way to do it. You can't talk about it or hash it over with her and the proverbial "closure contact" wherein you'll get together to end it on a good note is simply a wayward trick to suck you back in. Don't fall for it. There is no "good note" opportunity available no matter how you slice it.

Just be a man and mean what you say. It's over. End of story.

You may seem heartbroken for a bit but it will be for the best for her, her husband and, for certain...YOU. A few day or weeks of heartbreak is NOTHING compared to the damage YOU have caused nor the misery you'll be signing up for if you continue the relationship one second more.

Mr. W


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Originally Posted by MrWondering
Joey...

Then...24 hours after that. Email her husband as directed above. Tell him you ended the emotional and physical affair with his wife yesterday and that you are very sorry. That you hope they can repair the damage to their marriage that you helped cause but that regardless of their outcome you are done with the relationship with his wife FOREVER as nothing good has ever resulted from Adultery.

Do not give him advice. In fact...post it here BEFORE you send it as foggy waywards, like you, always mess these things up.

Mr. W

p.s. - Start putting out resumes. Time to leave that job and get away from her.

I'm going to agree with everything Mr. W said, except I would contact her H first. Then end it with her. Once you've outed yourself to her H you're committed. If you call her first she's probably going to pull you into drama: "But honey, I TOLD you I was just going to MC to appease my H! We have a lifetime together if you'll just wait a little longer! You are my prince!" blah blah blah. You, being the OM, are in a foggy state and may not be able to stand up to her attack. If that's the case, you'll still be enmeshed in the A and will lose your resolve.


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Originally Posted by joey123
I did not come here for sympathy. I know I messed up and am trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I have disrespected her, as well as been disrespected. Telling her husband isn't easy as just calling and telling him. Or maybe it is. I don't know. How do I break something like this to the BS?

I want to you live in his world for a minute. Here's a man who loves his wife. Over the past 10 months she's become distant, moody, mean-tempered, cranky. He doesn't know why. They fight more. She tells him she wishes she'd never married him, and that breaks his heart. She criticizes everything he does, so he tries. He tries to pick up his clothes because he knows that bothers her. He tries to help around the house more, thinking desperately that there has to be something that will give her happiness.

He doesn't know what to do because she's never happy anymore. He takes her out to dinner, buys her gifts - nothing helps. He tries to be more attentive in his own fumbling way, but it just annoys her. He stumbles onto the idea of counselling to save his M. She begrudgingly agrees. Now he has a single thread of hope - maybe a 'professional' can help him get to the bottom of why his marriage seems so rocky.

What he doesn't know is that she has brought a third party into the marriage. That knowledge would change everything. Then he would understand.

Now you know the BH a little better. Knowing this much, call him. Simply say "My name is Joey last name here. I am so sorry to tell you this, but for the past 10 months I have been involved in an affair with your wife her name here. I realize how damaging this has been to your marriage and I'm calling you now to apologize for the terrible destruction I have caused to your marriage. My actions were selfish and inexcusable. I want you to know that I will have no further contact with your wife and will no longer involve myself in your marriage."

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/05/10 08:21 AM.

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Originally Posted by joey123
Before everyone bashes me for being the other guy, please believe me when I tell you that I thought her marriage was going to end soon...
So what if you thought her marriage was going to end soon, she was still married.
Originally Posted by joey123
I am currently 28, she is 25. Her and I have worked together for 3 years. However we did not work in the same state. The place we work for has a few offices in the US. I work in one state, she works in the other. Our departments are heavily intertwined and we would have to work together everyday whether it was over the phone or through email, conf calls, etc. We started to build a relationship over the years. We got each others cell numbers and starting texting a lot. In my mind we were just good friends. I think she thought of me as more at that time. At the time of all of this, I was coming to the end of my marriage.
Probably due in part to you spending time and talent on a married woman. What were you doing at this time to make your marriage better? Were you texting your wife, sharing your day with her, or funny stories, or whatever. Probably not.
Originally Posted by joey123
The co worker and I spoke a lot about marriage and we tried to help each other out. I would talk to her about my marriage, she would talk to me about hers. We were both very unhappy and tried to give each other ideas to help save our marriages. My marriage ended May 2009. I talked to the co-worker about everything. She was there for me as she always had been. During my marriage ending she would always say how hers was going to end soon, and that she was planning on seperating soon. She would constantly tell me how she wished she hadn't gotten married so young and wanted to end it. In July 2009 I had to go to her office for work where we finally met in person. We hit it off, spent time together, and fell in love (at least thought we did). She told me she loved me after we met and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. We have spoken numerous times about one of us moving to the other persons state. We still talk and text everyday.

Anyways, to try to make a very long story short, we have been seeing each other about once a month since July 2009. I've been to her state a few times, she's been to mine a few times. The whole time she has said she was ending her marriage, however nothing has been accomplished. She hasn't filed, hasn't done a thing. Now she is saying she wants to do marriage counceling "just for his sake" so he can feel that they tried everything before they got divorced. She still lives with her husband. I guess I'm starting to realize that all I am is the other guy, and we don't have a future together. It's hard for so many reasons. I truly am in love with her. But she's married and I doubt she's going to end it. Now I have a dilemma. I know I need to end this, but how? Do I tell her husband about me? Please don't point out that I'm an Ahole for continuing this knowing that she was married the whole time. I honestly thought her marriage was going to end and we would try to build a real relationship together. It's hard not just because I love this girl, but also because her husband has no idea I exist and his wife is cheating on him. He didn't do anything to deserve this, and I'm half the blame for it. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm the other guy and helping to ruin a marriage. I still go back and forth and get confused. Sometimes from what she tells me I really think she will get divorced and her and I can start something together. Other times I realize I'm a moron and I need to end this. I know I'm a bad person, but please, any advice will help.

OK, I won't sugar coat it, and I'll tell you where I'm coming from, and perhaps you'll see how selfish and insensitive you were and STILL ARE acting.

My ex-wife met a guy who traveled in to our community for work and likely, just like your story, she wasn't happy in our marriage. I wasn't really happy either, and frankly I had no clue what to do.

The thing is, they must have both told each other they were not happy. The problem is, she never told me, not until she was moving out to have her affair with him.

So I have little patience for those who choose affairs, men or women.

When you married, when my wife and I married, it's likely we promised to be there for one another. One is not there for the other if they are going to some third party for advice. I don't mean like going to a counselor. I'm talking about some civilian who isn't trained to be objective.

What should you do? I think you should try this story out on her husband and see if he really feels sorry for you.

If he punches you instead, then perhaps you'll get an understanding of how you've emotionally sucker punched his family.

If he does that, instead of going to the cops and filing charges, thank him for doing that, as you likely deserve worse for you and his wife's emotional abuse.

You see affairs, even emotional affairs are emotionally abusive to the betrayed spouse. So you've likely betrayed and emotionally abused your ex-wife, and the same is true for her husband.

What you did was a bad thing. You'll get no argument from me on that. The question is, what have you learned from this, and what will you do to correct the situation, and keep from doing this again.

If she'll betray her husband to be with you, what will prevent her from doing the same if things got rocky between the two of you?

She may be thinking the same thing. If you were so willing to be there for her, instead of his own wife, how can she trust you to be there for her in the future?

Relationships must be built on trust and honesty. Carrying on clandestine relationships with another person is not a firm foundation for a relationship.

Find out where she lives, or how to contact her husband and tell him the truth. Tell him the WHOLE story, how you met, how you carried on, how you've seen her monthly since 7/09, and tell him what you did was wrong and you'll step out of her life.

He may end the marriage, he may forgive her and work on it.

Right now, neither of you are fit to be the lover, let alone the spouse of another. So my further advice is to take some time off, look at your and only your part in your failed marriage and why you had such poor boundaries that you chose to have an emotional and possible physical affair while married with a married woman.

Bottom line.

1. You know what you did is wrong, own it, confess is and repent, which means never go back to her or that behavior again.

2. Own your part in your marriage failure. Learn the right way to run a marriage, and in a few years, you may be ready to date and marry someone a few years after that.

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Originally Posted by joey123
Before everyone bashes me for being the other guy, please believe me when I tell you that I thought her marriage was going to end soon...

...

I'm a bad person, but please, any advice will help.

Stop having sex until you get married. Then you'll never risk having an affair with someone whose marriage might or might not be ending.

Last edited by markos; 05/05/10 09:17 AM.

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Originally Posted by joey123
OK, so I will find out how to reach him and call him. Now, how should I handle this with her? Should I give her the chance to tell him first? Or just do it without letting her know? The route I want to take is the "Either you're going to tell him or I'm going to tell him" route. Thoughts?

No, this is not about making her do anything. It's not your job to make her tell her husband, or in any other way to make her do the right thing.

Quit helping her with her marriage. That's how the affair started. Duh! (You only have to watch two or three movies to learn this; it's not some big secret. You should have known your behavior with her was inappropriate long, long earlier.)

Last edited by markos; 05/05/10 09:15 AM.

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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
You should let your boss know what happened and that you cannot deal with her in the firm...they will either accommodate that wish or let you go, but it's a price you should be willing to make in light of what the two of you have done.

Yes. You need to make sure that you never see this woman again, and that includes working with her. If they will not accommodate you, you should go find another job!


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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Joey,

I want to offer you support in doing the right thing. I know it is hard to get yourself out of the situation that you got yourself in, and it's not easy to face the beating that you'll get in here. However, I just want to address some simple truths.

1) Men and women can't just be friends. You aren't in high school anymore. You need to get out of that mentality that guys and girls can hang out together and just be cool. You are an adult now. You need to move on to adult relationships. Men and women in committed relationships should not have close opposite friends outside of their relationship. That's called cheating. You were wrong to exchange phone numbers with a married woman. That's where you made your mistake, and you have been compounding it ever since. If you want to ever have a real, committed relationship with a woman in the future, you need to understand this simple truth. Men and women can only be friends if they are both single. If you want to have close opposite sex friendships, I would suggest staying single and have only single friends.

2) This WW is cake-eating. She likes certain aspects of her spouse and certain aspects of her affair partner. Now she has both. She's going to continue to try and have both. Her husband meets needs that you don't. You have no future with this woman, and even if thought you did, do you really think she wouldn't cheat on you? She's already proven herself to be a cheater.

3) It is that simple to end it. Find out her husband's contact info (probably on facebook), confess to him everything that has happened, and send him a no contact letter to give your affair partner. Change your contact info. Get a new job so you don't ever have contact with her again. The only way to end an affair is cold turkey. Just rip the bandaid off. Otherwise, your affair partner will manipulate you and suck you back in.

4) I know you feel like a bad person, but that feeling with stop if you do the right thing, end the affair, and ask for forgiveness. You can redeem yourself. Part of regaining your integrity is also telling your ex-wife, even if you have no interest in getting back with her. You were unfaithful to her, and you need to make that right as well.

5) One day if you do get married, you need to tell your wife your complete history, including this episode. Before she marries you. In order to give her a chance to change her mind, or accept you as you are. (If you will make up your mind to do this now, it will help you act with integrity in the future.)


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Markos, your advice not to have sex unless you are married is brilliant. I wonder just how many miserable situations in life would be avoided if people just heeded that one piece of advice.

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Originally Posted by MrWondering
If she harasses you at work thereafter the only contact you may have with her is by an email saying...

"It's over. Please respect my decision. I have broken up with you and if you do not stop harassing me I will have no other choice than to report this to management"

Mrs. Wondering has made what I think is a good suggestion. She feels, as a FWW herself, that she wouldn't have accepted my word that the OM in our situation was really breaking up with her THROUGH me.

Thus...

After you call her husband you send her a quick email shortly thereafter stating:

"It's over. What we did was wrong. It will always be wrong. I've met someone else anyway and I don't want you interferring. Please respect my decision."

That's it.

It's important to give her the semblance of a reason (meeting someone else) such that she is more likely to accept the explanation and not think her husband or someone else got to you. Absent an explanation...she may just jump in her car and drive to you to get one and I hope you are being honest with us because that SHOULD BE what you DON'T want. Again..."closure contact" is anything but. She is NOT your girlfriend. Regular rules to breaking up do not apply. Ending all contact...immediately for whatever plausable LIE you can come up with to keep it short and simple is the best.

Mr. W


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I wish my WH's OW would have been thinking like you and saved us all a lot of pain....
Affairs hurt the innocent and it's not right that someone can think they have the right to interfere in a marriage for their own selfish reasons...
I'm proud that you woke up and feel guilty about your actions, I'm glad you have chosen the right path now and see what damage you could do.
Nothing good ever comes from deceit and lies except pain.
Find a great woman you don't have to share, someone you are sure won't have an affair when times are tough....someone you can trust your life with.......
Everyone deserves that.....


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You've gotten some good advice. I'll throw in my two cents worth.

Full disclosure - I was an OM 17 years ago when I was young and stupid. I had myself convinced I was in love with the WW so I think I can relate to your situation.

I really think you need to break up with her, talk to her BH, and tell your supervisor at work all in the same few hours. There is a risk that she will go nuts and try to spin the story where you coerced or forced her somehow, saving face with her BH and maybe getting you in trouble at work.

If you talk to your supervisor, he/she may be able to work one of you getting a transfer so you never have to work together or see each other again. And it is critically important that you never see, talk, email, text, or have any other contact with her. If that isn't possible, it may be better if you find a new job. When the WW broke up with me, I actually moved away.

Give a heartfelt apology to the BH, but don't expect forgiveness. Don't use any language like "I hope you guys work it out" or "work on your marriage". That's not your place...your place is to apologize, give the BH whatever information he wants about the affair, get the heck out of their marriage and never talk to either of them again.

Get an STD test. You might not be the only 'extra' she's getting.

Take a break from dating and relationships for a while and really think about what it is that you want. I suggest you re-evaluate your dating criteria. As others have pointed out, married means married.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by joey123
I did not come here for sympathy. I know I messed up and am trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I have disrespected her, as well as been disrespected. Telling her husband isn't easy as just calling and telling him. Or maybe it is. I don't know. How do I break something like this to the BS?

I want to you live in his world for a minute. Here's a man who loves his wife. Over the past 10 months she's become distant, moody, mean-tempered, cranky. He doesn't know why. They fight more. She tells him she wishes she'd never married him, and that breaks his heart. She criticizes everything he does, so he tries. He tries to pick up his clothes because he knows that bothers her. He tries to help around the house more, thinking desperately that there has to be something that will give her happiness.

He doesn't know what to do because she's never happy anymore. He takes her out to dinner, buys her gifts - nothing helps. He tries to be more attentive in his own fumbling way, but it just annoys her. He stumbles onto the idea of counselling to save his M. She begrudgingly agrees. Now he has a single thread of hope - maybe a 'professional' can help him get to the bottom of why his marriage seems so rocky.

What he doesn't know is that she has brought a third party into the marriage. That knowledge would change everything. Then he would understand.

Now you know the BH a little better. Knowing this much, call him. Simply say "My name is Joey last name here. I am so sorry to tell you this, but for the past 10 months I have been involved in an affair with your wife her name here. I realize how damaging this has been to your marriage and I'm calling you now to apologize for the terrible destruction I have caused to your marriage. My actions were selfish and inexcusable. I want you to know that I will have no further contact with your wife and will no longer involve myself in your marriage."

ITA with this everything said here, very well written.

Any OP who is able to say this to the BS would truly be a person wanting to right their wrong.

And I agree that "close to divorcing" is STILL MARRIED. Her poor BH probably never even knew they were close to divorcing. I know I never did. frown


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I know many people here have been betrayed in the past and despise people like me, but I appreciate all of you with your words and help in this. It is obvious I need to contact him first and lay everything out to him. There will not be a face to face meeting as we live in seperate states. Many of you have said I need to find a new job. Well, I just spoke to her today and it sounds like she is getting a new job with a different company. So I guess that will help things. I will be totally honest with all of you, my first thought when I found out she was getting a new job was "Damn, if she leaves the company we wont talk as much and she'll forget about me and we might not have a future together" Obviously I'm not totally where I need to be if that's what I'm thinking. I know I need to end this, but it's not going to be as easy as I initially thought it would be. A few things that have crossed my mind the past 24 hours:

1) He is going to be devastated when he finds out. From what she has told me in the past he is very emotional and threatens to hurt himself at times. Do I just end it with her and not tell him anything? I don't want him to hurt himself if he finds out about everything. I already hate myself for what I'm doing, if he hurts himself for what her and I have done I will never forgive myself for as long as I live.

2) I know this will sound like I'm delaying things and getting cold feet, but now that I know she may be leaving the company within 2 or 3 weeks I think I should wait until after she leaves before I cut it off with her. That way I don't risk getting fired or creating any office drama.

3) A lot of you have said I don't really love her. Well, I really do love her. I've felt things with her that I never felt with anyone else. I know I'm a moron for allowing myself to feel that way with a married person. But that is what it is and unfortunately I can't change that. Being that I still feel like I love her I don't want to hurt her.

All in all I still know what I need to do. I know what the right choice is. I know what I need to do to be a real man about all of this and try to right all of these wrongs. I think I eventually will be able to do it. I wish I could say I would do everything today, or this week, but I just don't think it will happen that soon. In my mind now I'm waiting until she leaves the company, then things will start to get rolling more.

What have I learned so far? I have learned I am a very immature person and I deserve this pain that feel now. I deserve some of the bad things some of you on here have said about me. I will never, ever say anything past "hello" to a married woman again. I obviously have boundary issues and I wont let something like this even start to happen again. Maybe I'll meet somebody else someday, but it doesn't feel like I will, and at this point that isn't my top priority. However if I do, she will know about this. I have to be honest about everything in future relationships. I wont hide anything. Anyways, I will keep you all posted with future developments from all this mess.

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Originally Posted by joey123
A few things that have crossed my mind the past 24 hours:

1) He is going to be devastated when he finds out. From what she has told me in the past he is very emotional and threatens to hurt himself at times.

YEAH RIGHT!!! I was told the other woman's husband was a depressive psychopath who would stop at nothing once he found out there was an affair and that he was dangerous, and HE was told I was on the edge and should be in the psych ward. Obviously this was true in neither case. Waywards will say anything.



2) I know this will sound like I'm delaying things and getting cold feet, but now that I know she may be leaving the company within 2 or 3 weeks I think I should wait until after she leaves before I cut it off with her. That way I don't risk getting fired or creating any office drama.

Just end it now. You are making excuses to continue the relationship for another 2 or 3 weeks. Imagine what would happen if her husband found out in those 2-3 weeks.

3) A lot of you have said I don't really love her. Well, I really do love her. I've felt things with her that I never felt with anyone else. I know I'm a moron for allowing myself to feel that way with a married person. But that is what it is and unfortunately I can't change that. Being that I still feel like I love her I don't want to hurt her.

You ARE hurting her being in the middle of her relationship. That is something she needs to end or continue because she wants to, not because she's all confused from sleeping with another man. THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR HER. Give her the chance to live her life RIGHT and happy!

Last edited by NewPetals; 05/05/10 11:03 AM.

Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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1.) I still think you need to talk to him and expose everything. I think better now than later and better from you, so he can get the WHOLE truth than from her where he will get lies.

2.) End it, end it, end it. Until you do, you are still involved in their marriage and you have no right to be.

3.) You may feel that way but it is not love. PERIOD You need to check yourself, quick. Reread all the great advice you've been given here.

You're right, you do need to be a man, suck it up. You are worried about you hurting and are not thinking about what you are doing to her BH. Grow up.


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
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You need to tell him regardless of what she said about him hurting himself. That is her manipulating you. And you said you talked to her today. Don't talk to her anymore. Period. Go to your boss today if you have to and tell him you cannot have any more contact.

The reason you are waiting is NOT because you want her to change jobs. It is because you know once you take those steps....it's over. And you don't want to let go. Do it anyway. Pick up the ohone before the day is out and tell him. And then change your contact info. If she contacts you, send her and her husband an offical letter requesting she stop.

I came on here 4 years ago asking about telling my DH. I was really hoping someone somewhere would tell me I didn't have to. They told me I did have to, and I freaked out and told all sorts of lies. Don't prolong everyone's agony. Just do it.

And do not talk to or communicate with her starting NOW.

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