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SidneyT #2367199 05/03/10 11:03 PM
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I heard about this book on another site dealing with BPD/NPD and related disorders.

The only "protection" I need at this point is emotional. The financial details have already been covered in our Separation and Property Settlement Agreement.

OK, so I probably will never see the $4,800 she owes me, but that's not enough to send me to the funny farm.

I can see how this might be valuable when their are joint accounts and an unclear division of property, but in my case it would just be leisure reading.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Here it is: I've been wondering if maybe I didn't give it my all?

What if The Leopard isn't personality disordered, but is just another run-of-the-mill wayward? And I didn't fight hard enough to work Plan A, expose the affair and show her the best husband she's ever had?

You know, Fred ... you don't have to. She was the wayward, not you. There was no law saying you had to try at all. You did try, you made a really good go of it, you went above and beyond the call.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
I had a number of people come up to me afterward telling me how well I managed the situation. One person put it best: "A great demonstration of serenity under fire when the fire is right there in the room."

Fred, you are amazing! I wish I had opportunity to read the board every day so my response would be more timely. But this is great! Keep plugging... you'll get there.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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My attorney sent me an email today. It was a copy of a message she'd received from The Leopard.

Two aspects of the message stood out to me.

The first was the notion that she was maintaining a Post Office Box to "protect her privacy from me" (as a result of the snooping I did months ago, she is now convinced that I am "stalking" her - to this day!).

The second is that she seems to have received the Complaint for Divorce copy that was mailed to her, and she seems to want to be sure I have "signed it" first. Uh, I filed it. I don't have to sign it.

Her wording just seeps with wayward fog and entitlement

Quote
Since it became apparent on April 6, 2010, that Mr. Fred is well aware of where I reside, it is no longer of any benefit for me to utilize my PO Box
in any attempt to ensure my privacy where he is concerned. Therefore,
please send correspondence to me at:
Oh, please. Get over yourself. You're not that important and I have no desire to "stalk" you and keep tabs on you.

And

Quote
I understand that Fred has signed the divorce papers. Please confirm this pending my receipt of said document.
She just doesn't want to be the first to be the "bad guy," does she?

At least the horses have made it past the last turn and are headed down the home stretch.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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She wants to get rid of the PO box because she can't afford it.

opt

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Originally Posted by optimism
She wants to get rid of the PO box because she can't afford it.
It was stupid of her to keep it after she moved into her apartment, anyway.

She wants her "privacy" from me? Get real.

Oh, an update: She asked my lawyer to send her a "softcopy" (electronic) version of the complaint so she could "review" it pending receipt of the hard copy.

Gee, all she has to do is go to her PO Box...


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No response.

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And that's exactly what she's going to get.

Everything she needs to know is contained in the Complaint.

Which is sitting in her PO Box (well, my lawyer _did_ send her an electronic copy).


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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This has been a terrific Sunday!

I woke up early this morning. Early enough to decide to go run an inaugural 5K (new readers to this thread might not know that I've been bedeviled by a back/leg problem for the last 18 months or so). It was the best run I've had in two years. Or more!

They didn't break down the runners into age groups, but I checked the results and learned that no one older than me finished ahead of me. I'm very pleased. In fact, I finished 93rd out of 230 runners, which puts me in the 40% bracket. Not bad for an old guy, eh?

So I capped off my morning by showering and changing and going to church. Where I took communion for the very first time in my life! It's a Presbyterian church and their only requirement for communion is that you believe in Jesus. I've struggled with my personal belief in Jesus, but something the pastor said this morning got me out of my chair and into the communion line: "Heaven is wherever Jesus is. There are no tears in heaven. There is only love and mercy. Jesus will take away your pain and tears if you want him to."

I want him to.

It's been a terrific Sunday!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Fred,

Good job on the 5K run! I've often "thought" about entering a run but haven't taken any steps to do so. So far, just thinking about it is exhausting! smile Congratulations!! hurray

So did you like this church? Think you might go back? I don't struggle with my belief. I do struggle with actually ATTENDING church. I spend the entire time in tears. I don't know why... but for me church brings out the Coulda beens,,shoulda beens, wish it was,,kinda thinking I guess.....


Dday- Feb 1998
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Originally Posted by Nerlycrzy
So did you like this church? Think you might go back? I don't struggle with my belief. I do struggle with actually ATTENDING church. I spend the entire time in tears. I don't know why... but for me church brings out the Coulda beens,,shoulda beens, wish it was,,kinda thinking I guess.....
I've been going to this church since Easter, when I was invited by my neighbors. I -do- like it. Services are held in a high school cafeteria, the pastor is a "plain Joe" type of guy, the atmosphere is laid back, and there's a lot of community involvement. The "community" of the church is appealing, too. I've been "sequestered into boxes" for a number of years: work, A.A. and my marriage. It's nice getting out.

I also find the pastor's sermons resonate with me. He's very aware of the imperfections of humankind, and his sermons resound with the message of healing. I'm sure there are all sorts of reasons people go to church, but I am finding some peace and balance there. Call it healing, if you will. It seems to be filling an empty spot in me.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Fred it has been my great pleasure to see how you dealt with this time in your life. Also for your responses to my posts which are very insightful and supportive.

I wondered if you had experienced that reaction like I have many times before of when once enlightened about how things would have gone different...if.. woulda coulda shouda. Basically guilt about how things turned out.

I think that it should be very obviuos that because you are here, because you reached out and took that humble step towards recovery, that you did everything humanly and spititually possible to help your Leopard, that it can be given over to Gods hands for her life and you have shined.

You probably have read my story as little parts of it have been scattered in my posts but you will recognize that there is a time to call it quits and I allowed things to do quite a number on my life. I could elaborate but its not nessesary. I envy Ladylonglegs and wished many could retain such a sense of self that they would act as she had. My only excuse was the children, without them I would have stayed away from my waif of a wife.


I just want to congratulate you again for letting God reach into your heart and the healing process you have been in.

Grats on the race too BTW. I used to love to run just for the sake of it. LOng distance for thinking and sprints for show lol.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Fred, I'm glad things are looking up for you


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Originally Posted by DaisyTheCat2
Fred, I'm glad things are looking up for you
I guess it's all a matter of perspective, Daisy.

I'm unemployed and my marriage is coming to an end.

I could either take a deep dive into Lake Pity or choose to believe better things are coming my way.

I don't like being unemployed. I don't like that my wife ran off with another man.

Stewing in self-pity isn't going to move the ball down field, however. Mood follows action.

So I'm trying to be active.

Thanks.


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Hey Fred -

Glad to see you are generally in a good space, and thinking of you often. Keep active. smile



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Hey mfoss, I ran a personal best 5K last weekend! Not bad for a guy who a year ago wondered if he'd ever run again. A 10K tomorrow, but I came down with a cold, so finishing is the only goal I'm shooting for.

A couple of brief updates. The first is kinda funny, in a pathetic sort of way.

I received an email from my lawyer, forwarding a message she'd received from The Leopard. It started with an obvious dig at me: "I'm sure Mr. Fred will be happy to learn I plan to legally change my name." She then went on to say that while she knows she signed a waiver of any further notice, she hoped my lawyer would send her a "courtesy email" once the divorce has been finalized so that she can begin the name change process.

Silly. Anyone can legally change their name. It doesn't require a marriage (or divorce).

And when was the last time anyone heard of a lawyer giving anyone (especially their "opponent") a "courtesy" anything? When I next speak with my attorney I will indicate that if she wishes to send my ex a courtesy email I will have no objections. But if it's a billable action, I don't wish to pay for it.

The other update also came from my attorney. The court has approved my complaint/petition and I can get a date for my Ore Tenus ("oral testimony") hearing any time I can arrange for my witness to have the time free.

So, it looks like I will have my divorce finalized just days before the anniversary of our wedding.


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
So, it looks like I will have my divorce finalized just days before the anniversary of our wedding.

It sucks Fred. Hopefully we will keep on the path to personal recovery.
hug


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Fred - AWESOME job on the 5K! Woot Woot.

And yes, you are right---life is all about perspective.

Yes, you are getting a divorce. Yes, you are un-employed. Yes, you are facing a difficult time in your life emotionally and mentally.

And here comes the BUT...

You are alive and healthy---look at you running! You have the strength to get through this divorce and find happiness! You have the skills to find a new job! You are a good person, whom other good people can appreciate! I mean there are just so many "buts" here...

You are at a fork in the road---the old life you once knew is ending and now you're faced with the decision of where to turn. We can either lament the ending of the old road or celebrate the beginning of a new path. We all know that celebrations are so much more fun!



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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
So, it looks like I will have my divorce finalized just days before the anniversary of our wedding.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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That may not be such bad timing, Fred. You know the anniversary of your marriage will be difficult, and that the anniversary of your divorce will be difficult memories, too. At least having them coincide avoids having another perfectly good date to be ruined.

Hang in there!

(crap; I screwed up the quote and post technique. I plead technological handicap. smile

Last edited by EllenG; 05/31/10 12:01 PM.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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