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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Changes made, message sent. I'm expecting a fiery response to this one.

And use your phone to record ALL conversations with her. If you can get her to admit the affair, all the better! The investigating officer may like that bit of information, if he will accept it.

But you need to do it to protect yourself from charges of abuse.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
She wrote me back:
There was no threat of going to your chain of command that was at all connected with my request to retrieve my stuff. But you are becoming extremely good at rewrting history, so I just hope that this whole little story of what evil danni did to poor, helpless jeff is going to keep you happy in the future, because u have used it to end our marriage

Pot meet kettle.

I would respond to this in the following way:

"_______, I don't want to argue. I'm sorry you feel that way. Hope you have a good day."


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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But you are becoming extremely good at rewrting history , so I just hope that this whole little story of whatI***edit****going to keep you happy in the future, because u have used it to end our marriage


Hey Gurka! how cool is this???? She paid you a complement and didn't even know it!

Man, she sounds like my 12 year old daughter!!! Everybody's picking on me... boo hoo...

rotflmao


Seriously, your consistant actions are working on her... do you see how things are changing? First she says she's never going to speak with you again... Then she says that it's over... Then she says that you've ruined ANY chance to rebuild... Sounds like she's really missing the OM and needs to vent at you! (by the way, that's a GOOD thing!)

Semper Fi,

RIF

Last edited by JustUss; 05/15/10 10:32 AM. Reason: edit quote
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My reply to her (I needed to say it:)

I am not ending our marriage. I've always tried to put your needs ahead of my own, and be honest with you and myself. The lack of boundaries that led to the affair was both of our faults. Your decision to lie to me and keep me in the dark was entirely yours. Now you've established a pattern of lying to avoid the consequences of your actions. As I said more than a month ago, you have to decide what kind of person you want to be. If you put your own wants, needs and desires first, and are willing to put aside your own morals, ethics, promises and the harm done to others in order to do so, that will be a lonely road. I've always tried to put you first, because that's what I've promised to do, and because you are important to me. If you can see through the fog of hurt, confusion and lies swirling around you, you'll see the good man that I've always been, caught in an impossible situation, fighting for what's important to him, while still trying to be the best husband he can be.

I will not discuss divorcing, or separation of our things. If you're not willing to talk about how we might rebuild our marriage, then we should just give relationship talk a break for a while. I'll continue to try to support you in every way that I can, and I'll continue to let you know what I'm up to, and I hope you can do the same.

Last edited by Gerkaguards; 05/14/10 08:00 AM.
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Hey Gurka,

I "get" your latest draft e-mail (that is a draft, right? you haven't sent this to her have you???)

Your W won't "get it". I'd lay low for a bit and wait for her to call you...

If you respond to her last e-mail, you'll soon be in an e-mail war with her saying how you've ruined her life, and any chance to rebuild the M... It's a "no win" situation. You aren't going to change her mind right now.

Give her some time and I'll bet that she calls you if you don't respond to her latest e-mail...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Nope, already sent it. Don't care if she gets it, it needed to be said. If this marriage doesn't get fixed it won't be through any fault of mine.

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She'll probably still call anyway.

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While I probably would have advised you against sending that last email, I sent quite a few of those myself during my WW's A. I would small-talk and avoid R talk for a week, and then she would act in a way that I felt the need to write her a similar type letter, even if it really didn't help our situation. I guess it was more for me and my own sanity. It didn't hurt my situation that much; I'm still married. As long as you send these messages infrequently, I think you'll be alright. They may not serve there intended purpose, but it isn't a huge LB. They key is to keep these messages infrequent.

Now that you have reestablished a back and forth dialogue with your WW, I would up the emails from twice a week to 3 times a week, and I would probably call her once a week at a set time. Get into a routine. Email her M-W-F and call her Sat. That way she knows it's coming and maybe slightly looks forward to it.

When you get on the phone, she's just going to want to lambast you, so I would just work on diffusing things the first few times. "Listen, I cannot take anymore of this kind of talk. Can't we just talk about something else, like what's going on with you or how your family is doing?" Then when she goes, "No, you blah, blah, blah," You calmly say, "Okay then, I hope you have a good day then, bye," and hang up. That way she'll learn she can only talk to you in a respectful manner. YOU take back control. I also think she'll be taken aback by YOU hanging up on HER. SHE'S the one that should be hanging up on YOU, after all, YOU are pursuing her. By doing this, you switch things around and make her the one pursuing you, even if it is just to yell at you at first.

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/14/10 08:57 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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I'll send an email about my week tomorrow night.

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Nope, already sent it. Don't care if she gets it, it needed to be said. If this marriage doesn't get fixed it won't be through any fault of mine.

Hey Gurka - No worries on sending the e-mail. You've shown remarkable restraint so far, and yes, she does need to hear this... I just think that it will take her a bit longer before she's able to comprehend what you're telling her.

So did they ever get any real paper plates or are you still eating out of "to-go" boxes? How was the steak and lobster this evening?

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Yeah we have paper plates again. And the steak was pretty dry\tough tonight. And the crab leg shells were too tough to break with your hands, and I didn't have my leatherman with me. I'm about to head to the gym.

Last edited by Gerkaguards; 05/14/10 09:51 AM.
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The lack of boundaries that led to the affair was both of our faults. Your decision to lie to me and keep me in the dark was entirely yours.


I don't understand this.

How was her lack of boundaries both of your faults?

The truth is, you are 50% responsible for the condition of your M, and she is 100% responsible for the affair.

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On a positive note, you've moved her out of w/drawal to conflict.

But, you're going to have to watch your DJ's while you are going back and forth w/ her.

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The lack of boundaries in a marriage are both partners faults'. Those were the conditions that led to the affair. I encouraged independent behavior when we lived apart, because I didn't want her sitting around moping and being sad and alone. So when she would ask if I minded if she went out to the bars with her friends at OCS, I encouraged her to do so. I mean, I did the same thing at OCS (minus the affair.) I even arranged it so she could use a friend of mine's empty apartment so she wouldn't have to sleep in the barracks on the weekends. frown

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Ahhhh, I see.


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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Yeah we have paper plates again. And the steak was pretty dry\tough tonight. And the crab leg shells were too tough to break with your hands, and I didn't have my leatherman with me. I'm about to head to the gym.

You should have sent it back and demanded to talk to the chef. That's what I would have done. There is no worse sin than overcooked steak. And they don't provide you with a claw cracker? What kind of place is this? wink

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/14/10 10:23 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Hey Gerk, I Hope your SIL hasn't hired this guy as a DJ for her wedding... shocked


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My wife's sister's husband has cheated on his soon to be wife repeatedly during their relationship... she forgave him, and they're still getting married 2 weeks from today. They have a one year old child together.

I ordered copies of Surviving an Affair for myself and my wife. My wife already has His Needs, Her Needs and the women's sexuality book. She's not one to resist reading a book in front of her.

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My wife's sister's husband has cheated on his soon to be wife repeatedly during their relationship... she forgave him, and they're still getting married 2 weeks from today. They have a one year old child together.


Ohhhh, that is NOT good. Dating is an interview for M. Your SIL should not marry him.

Quote
I ordered copies of Surviving an Affair for myself and my wife. My wife already has His Needs, Her Needs and the women's sexuality book. She's not one to resist reading a book in front of her.


Good deal! Consider ordering the Love Busting book for both of you too. She really needs to learn what DJ's are.




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OMG Marsh, that was awful!! What was worse was that girl just stood there and took it. Man, I wanted to throw something at the screen! LOL


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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