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or when i threaten to expose her to family & friends..
No, don't threaten, CptT...just do it!!!

Like others have already said, exposure is hard and it WILL make your WW super mad (and believe me, she will SHOW her anger and you WILL feel it) but, even so, it is key in killing the A and that is the number one thing you need to do. Most marriages can handle anger, disgust, resentment (etc) as those things all "die" in time but, as for A's, those will kill a marriage if they are not killed first (unless, of course, you are okay with your WW playing "kissing cousins" which, from reading what you wrote, is pretty apparent that you are not). Before you can even think about saving your M you need to destroy what is killing it to begin with and that, of course, would be the A.

Is exposure hard to consider/act on? Yep!
Will it anger your WW (and possibly even others)? Yep!
Will you feel the "brunt" of the anger after doing an exposure? Yep!
Will you feel like your life is falling apart even more after an exposure? Yep! (well, more than likely, anyway).

Yep, yep, yep and yep!

However, even with all those "yep's" in there, exposure is still the best defense you have available to you in saving your M. It's sounds counter-productive, I know, but all the same, believe you me...it is the best thing that you can do. Once exposure takes place you will face a cr*pload of anger towards you but, guess what...so will your WW and the OM which, in turn, will cause distress on their A and make it that much more difficult for them to carry on.

If you need help with exposure, CptT, we're right here to help you out and guide you along so don't be afraid to say "okay, I'm ready, let's do it!" As hard as it sounds, it really is the best move you can make.

Good luck, our thoughts are with you.

(hugs)




Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

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What is your evidence? Besides phone calls?
You know that your WW is going to pull the "just friends" card, and spin the story to her advantage, and take the A underground.

Due to the nature of the relationship, MAKE SURE you know what you are talking about. Computer spy software, texts -- you need direct evidence.

Secondly-- Once you are sure NUCLEAR EXPOSE. Do not tell, threaten or otherwise give this pair an opportunity to spin.

Secondly, seek legal counsel about the children. You as their father, can make a great case for not wanting your children around a 1st cousin relationship.

This OM has no grip of boundries. (Nor, btw, does your wife)

Children do not need to be part of this mess.



Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
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DD16
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..I am learning and working on myself.
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Hello,

I am afraid that you are also in big time denial. First the both of you now need to be tested for STD's. This is a consequence of an affair. Second, if the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting of a sexual affair with your cousin the way you apparently are?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Open your eyes. For every weekend she was having sex with her cousin and betraying and humiliating you in the worst possible way and leaving the children at home. She continue to lie to you. When she is finally caught she still refuses to stop contact with him and you are fearful of total exposure because you are afraid of hurting her feelings? What is wrong with this picture?

Look my friend, nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat which is clearly what you have become. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes of her total disrespect and distain for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? One more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would become such a doormat.

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You wanna end her affair? Then expose her. That will end it. Sure, she will be furious with you for weeks, but it's better to be furious with you for weeks than to continue screwing her cousin for months or years. Our WWs were furious when we exposed, but they all get over it. If you can forgive her screwing her cousin, then she can get over you taking the necessary steps to end her affair. The problem in your marriage is her relationship w/ OM, not you making her angry. Man up and do it today.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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The addict gets ticked, but will be grateful later.

^agree!

Trust me, I am very grateful!

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EXPOSE. NOW.

Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. Be strong and stand up for your marriage. You are not alone.


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Thanks for all the advice , i really appreciate it and glad there is somewhere i can relate to people and they understand exactly what i'm goin through. as for proof she has already told me many times she's sorry for cheating on me, plus i had a keylogger on her cpu, and i have phone records. We are having all the family over for the week, which is a perfect chance to expose. Meanwhile i have tried again to get her to talk about the affair, and she just huffs and puffs and says i am askin the same questions over and over again, and that whatever she says i say she's wrong. i ask her over & over again to start the recovery she needs to stop all contact with the OM . She cant answer me and just changes the subject.. well again thanks everyone


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Originally Posted by CptTerror
We are having all the family over for the week, which is a perfect chance to expose.


Terror, there is only one perfect chance and this is RIGHT NOW. Pick up the phone and start doing it. You have all the proof you need.

Become the real Captain Terror, destroy this absurd affair and save your family.

Stop asking and asking about the affair now, you'll lose focus and she can become too suspicious what you are planning to. She won't end the affair herself.

Expose and ask questions later.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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YES What Recon said.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted by CptTerror
i ask her over & over again to start the recovery she needs to stop all contact with the OM . She cant answer me and just changes the subject.. well again thanks everyone

I've gotten pretty good at deciphering wayward babble, so let me give this one a try. At this stage of discovery, here's what you're looking at.

WW: "It was wrong, I'm terribly sorry, and will NEVER contact OM again." all accompanied by a NC letter - Chances are still around 50/50 that there will be further contact.

WW: "It was wrong, I'm terribly sorry, and will NEVER contact OM again." this without a NC letter - Chances of further contact rise to at least 85%.

YOU: "Do you promise never to contact the OM again?" If WW responds with "I promise", then you have about a 5% chance of her sticking to it. If WW responds with a weak affirmative or head nod, that chance drops to 0.5%.

YOU: "Do you promise never to contact the OM again?" WW avoiding an answer or changing the subject means she has absolutely no intention of stopping with the OM.

It's up to you to break things up.

Last edited by schtoop; 05/20/10 08:07 AM.
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i ask her over & over again to start the recovery she needs to stop all contact with the OM . She cant answer me and just changes the subject..
Cpt, here's what's happening here (and it is very common with waywards). She is a "cake eater." That term is used to describe a WS that is getting her EN's met by both the BS and the other man. She gets to go see him and live out the fantasy, then comes home and gets some of her EN's met by you and the family. She has no need and no intention of changing that situation as long as you allow it in your M.

That is why the exposure in your case is so important. Exposure puts the pressure on the A relationship, and those EN's that he satisfies are diluted. Sometimes the entire A collapses immediately. But the fact is that you cannot even begin to R your M until the A has ended, and you cannot rely on her to wise up. it is like she is on crack right now, and you have to take away the crack pipe.

If you've read some of the past threads, you will know that we can tell you almost verbatim what she will say when you expose. Things like "How can I trust you now after what you did" (that's the real ironic one) and "I was just about to recommit to the M but now you blew it." But don't believe a word of it. Don't discuss it with her. Just calmly say that you are fighting for your M and then offer her a cookie.

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I agree with IS because thats exactly what I did, I kept telling him that I was never going to give up on our M because we had 6 years together! Some things I've said.

"I'm not going to have a [censored] 9 months with 6 great years ruin our marriage."

"I'm not giving up" (altho my actions were quite opposite!)

"I will do the best I can to work on our M."

"All marriages have to go threw the tough times."

I am sure Wheels can come on and tell you like 500 more things I would tell him to convince I was NC the OM, and wanted to work on our marriage, and guess what? THEY WERE ALL LIES!!! WS will say the exact thing! DO NOT TRUST THEM, THEY ARE LIEING!

I am sorry again that you are hear, but honestly you best bet to save your marriage is to once again the big "ol WORD.

EXPOSE!

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CT

The perfect chance to expose is before the gathering. The idea is to identify the people who will support you wanting to work on the M and family.

Put a list together and find a couple of the family members or friends who will let the WW know you exposed her A. At the family gathering these family members or friends could confront her with concern to ask her about the A.

Let your WW BE RESPONIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!
Do not tell her you are going to do this.

The only regret I have with exposure was I waited way too long. Even so the effects were immediate when news got back to her....... BY PEOPLE QUESTIONING HER BEHAVIOR

I HAD TOLD A FEW OF THE PEOPLE MY PLAN AND ASKED THEM TO MAKE SURE TO SHARE THE LETTER THEY RECIEVED OR ABOUT THIS PHONE CONVERSATION..

It is very effective. The anger does come. When she asked me why I would do that I simply, calmly said to help save our M. Wanna go for a walk? Wanna go get ice cream?

POSOMS family knew nothing about this A. sHE aSKED How could you do thaT to him and his family?. My response - To help save our M and OUR family.


IT ALSO HAS RAISED THE ISSUE TO HER- WITH THE A OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS-HOW MUCH FUN IS THIS WITH THE SECRECY GONE. OH MY-What have I done.......

A'S THRIVE ON SECRECY...WHEN ITs GONE THERE IS NOT MUCH LEFT.

I would use caution with exposing at a family gathering. It could backfire and WW may paint and spin you as a raving lunatic. It may be best to make calls in private so the caller will know first hand without any spin.
They will see you calmly asking for ideas and support to help you with your M. They will see a man fighting for his M and family. Not some lunatic.

Please don't hesitate with this first step in M recovery.

Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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If you refuse to expose, then you might as well just put up a few POSTER SIZE PHOTOS of her OM right there in your bedroom. Matter of fact, put them up all over your house!!

When she asks why you have those posters up, tell her this:

"WELL, YOU HAVE THE OM RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR MARRIAGE, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HIM RIGHT HERE ALL OVER THE HOUSE."

Tell her you figured she LOOOOOVVVVVEEEESSSS him so much, she wouldn't mind EVERYONE knowing about this love of the century - SO YOU EXPOSED IT FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SHARE.

Come on, Terror, you know that exposure is the right thing to do. This affair will die a very quick death when you shine the light of day on it. They are hopped up on the excitement of the taboo - nothing more - and your wife is crying because she knows what she is doing is wrong.

She WANTS to go to counseling because she WANTS TO STOP. She knows she is out of control.

She WANTS you to fight for her - to help her - so MAN UP.

Expose the affair, make the appointment with the counselor, and make the demand that she stop her contact or MOVE OUT NOW.

You will be shocked at her response. She is looking for you to HELP HER. So do it.

If she is angry, tell her that YOU ARE ANGRY TOO, and that your marriage can survive anger - but will not survive the third party smack dab in the middle of the marital bed.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
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Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Great Advice guys & gals, i like the idea of telling the people i know over the phone before the party, but i don't wanna ruin my sons 9th birthday party with a family fight. but i see what you all are saying.....Now for me, today was one of the worst days for me, i drove all day for work from LA. to Miss. I'm working on the massive oil spill in the gulf, and i think it hit me pretty hard today, unlike the others where all i was doing was wondering what she was sneaking around doing , or was she calling him, or just being pissed. Today i cried my eyes out, relived all kinds of great memories, the births of our children, the building of our house , our wedding day, just all of the great moments we have had in the past, kinda like i knew it was over...Then i just thought of her kissing, hugging and loving on another man, it hurt so much... the pain is still there as i type this...how does someone get over this...The love i have for her is so overwhelming, i tell myself she is all i have, and would be so so so lonely without her... am i the biggest idiot on the planet.. anyway.. i need some rest today has wrn me down.... Thanks again everyone..


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bump


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Originally Posted by CptTerror
bump

Bump back at you. What have you done?

Last edited by ImStaying; 05/25/10 04:35 AM.
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I see you threw away a chance to kill the affair and save your marriage because you were afraid to ruin a birthday party???


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Originally Posted by CptTerror
Great Advice guys & gals, i like the idea of telling the people i know over the phone before the party, but i don't wanna ruin my sons 9th birthday party with a family fight. but i see what you all are saying....

Your seeing but your not listening.

Exposure good.
Not exposing bad.

I exposed at a 400+ attended FUNERAL.

I think the destruction of his family will upset your DS9 more than mummy being ticked at daddy for sharing her dirty little secret,JMHO.


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Originally Posted by CptTerror
bump

Bump?

Don't you mean hump?

As in what OM is doing to your wife as you clean pelicans?

You've been told what to do. People here have little patience for a man who will sit around and let his wife and children be stolen from him as he sits on the sidelines piddling himself.

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