NP-You WILL of course have to follow personal boundaries of your own. Remember, you are at a GREATER risk of having an affair YOURSELF now that WH has had one. Doesn't mean you will, you just have a HIGHER risk. Also, a lot of the boundaries are things that ALL married couples should follow anyways.

There is one place where you will not be O&H and what you will not share with him and that is about your evidence that you have had and your snooping. These things aren't part of the POJA either.

I am glad that you will be counseling with Steve. I haven't done so myself, but I have heard nothing but great things(about Jennifer too). When my WH says he is going to want to come home, my first thing to do will be to call the coaching center.

I am glad that you are happy. I hope all of the best for you.

It is encouraging that he is talking the talk.

He will be tempted to contact her even if he is sincere about breaking off from her. The withdrawal from the affair is tough stuff and either he or she would want to get a hit, a fix.

But, even if he is not sincere and taking it deeper......you are being shown that he does have feelings for you. He wants you (even if he also wants her). That is a positive you can build on.

That, plus direction from the coaches plus vigilance of it going underground even deeper and you have a good chance here.

I will be another MBer watching the unfolding of your journey.

I've said this on other threads before, but I'm happy to say it again, because it was such a huge epiphany for me: Remember when you took your vows? On that day, the two of you became ONE. That is a HUGE sentence, one that I think a lot of people just consider standard verbiage in the wedding ceremony. I know I did. But think about it - you became ONE. One spiritual body. And since you are one, doesn't it make sense that both of you can access what the other one is doing? It's like your two hands. They do different things at different times, but they are always connected. And you always know what both of them are doing. It follows that your marriage should be the same way. You are ONE.

Exception: Birthday and Christmas presents. And going potty. I think those things should be inviolate.

Whew! Can I yak, or what! The short answer to your question is "yes". And I'll say this: I had a good feeling about you and your WH, NP. When I saw his pic in the photo album. I know, I know - easy for me to say, now, right? But I really did.

Wow, thanks bliss!!! When I sent in that photo I almost cried because ... well, because it was the two of us and he was an alien.

I am crossing my fingers and wishing for the best! Very interested to talk to Steve on Monday. I will keep you all updated. You have all been such a HUGE source of inspiration for me....I feel like we're good friends, even though I've never met any of you....

And Margie!! Where have you been?????? I've been wondering about you!

Well, we DID help you paint your house and there IS our history of trashing LG's back yard~

hahah! Well, if any of you come up north to Calgary (for god-knows-what-reason) you are always welcome to swing by and check out the paint job!

Just checking in, I am soooo happy for you NP, you done good.

Yeah, IDK if LG will be inviting us back to his pool anytime soon.

NP, I've missed your thread the last couple days but I am happy and encouraged by your turn of events. Good luck with your session with Steve. I recommend you take notes during or even use a recorder during the conversation to listen to again afterwards. He provides a lot of great information and suggestions and sometimes it helps to hear it a second time.

Be careful with this, though. Do NOT give up your snooping methods. This applies to the boundaries, too - e.g., if you ask him not to delete texts, DON'T follow up w/ the "I'll just check them online to know for sure" line.

Yes, what she said.

Aaaaand....the alien is rearing his ugly head again.

Just got a half hour phone call from WH telling me he "better not get any email or phone calls" from OW saying that I had called her husband with this or that. And that he "doesn't need her getting hurt anymore by this." I was stunned to say the least. AND it turns out he feels like HE is giving ME a chance, not the other way around.

I kind of feel like crying and am questioning the marriage again.

Yep, I want to second this about the snooping, NP. It is very important that you continue to do so. This is part of affair-proofing your M. But remember, you became ONE. You're just checking to make sure all the parts of your One-ness are working together in harmony.

Mr. Bliss knows I check on him. It's actually become funny, now - he calls me his secretary I spot-check his voice mail at work. Then I'll be talking to him and say something like "Oh, Mr. Smith with the ABC Business Corporation called you at your office about some literature he's looking for."

He knows that I check his office phone and cell phone. He knows that I go through his briefcase and his car. He knows that I check his office email and personal email, and rifle his dresser drawers. He knows that I have VARs and I'm not afraid to randomly use them in random places.

There is one thing he doesn't know and I can't say what that is online, in the off-chance he checks my posts on MB. (Unlikely, but you never know, right?) But any good snooper can figure out what that is by reading the above paragraph and making note of what I didn't list as a snooping tool.

He has all of my passwords and complete access to all of my accounts, as well. We have nothing that isn't accessible by both of us.

You have recovery work to do, NP, and we'll be here to help you through that, as well. I am totally tickled for you!

Well, you're going to have some of this while he's coming out of the fog, NP. Steel up your resolve. He's going to be so embarrassed when he remembers saying these things. They always are once the fog lifts.

Just keep being the lighthouse.

NP

It's normal for him to lapse like this? I was really hoping we'd get through a few more days before I had to deal with the alien again.....It was just so sudden - we chatted before, nicely, and then all of a sudden 45 mins later there he was calling up and blasting me!

Yes, its par for the course, NP. It slowly goes away as the alien disappears..Sorry I know it is hard on you...

NP, believe it or not your WH will go through a type of withdrawal from OW. Think about it. How does an addict act when they're coming off their drug of choice? Calm, serene and happy one moment and the next they're screaming and throwing things, snappy, or extremely depressed. Makes no sense to a non-addicted person, right? But the longer he goes without contact with OW, the better his withdrawal will become. It WILL get easier. Eventually, he'll look back on this and be appalled at how he treated his wife/family.

This is why NC is so important. ANY contact will set you guys back to Day 1.

Okay then. I will keep my chin up about it. I knew about the addiction part, but sometimes I forget how hard it is - it was almost easier when I knew he was with her, at least that way I knew what to expect from him (but obviously it is better he's NOT with her haha). Thanks.

You have to be doubly vigilant, NP - while making some allowance for withdrawal, you have got to continue snooping and verifying NC. Like PM said, any contact will set you back to Day 1.

Oh, sweetie. You'll be okay, but I'm afraid you've got a bit of a road ahead of you. He's going through withdrawal, so expect some heathen behavior until he's done. Snoop, make him understand your requirements, and hang on. Pretend he is a heroin addict and you're helping him get through the withdrawal of the drug. I guarantee you that he will be sooo sorry when he's done!

NP