Some more thoughts.
Then he contacted her again by phone, got weird with me over a few days. Then a few nights ago said he was thinking about getting an apartment, he never loved me in 17 years of marriage. He said I think I love her and have to give it a chance or will always wonder. He left, slept with her, then came banging on the door at 3am saying, "Now I broke it off with her for good this time. This time I meant it." Says he didn't mean those things. He knows he loves me not her. Says he now sees the A for what it was and doesn't want her.
Where is WH's integrity here?
Where does WH mention "right vs wrong"?
Have you noticed that WH assumes the decision to remain married is entirely based on his feelings, not yours?
Have you noticed that WH's feelings change with the slightest breeze?
Have you noticed a lack of consistency.
Your consistency?
You want to believe your WH when he says he loves you, not her.
Yet, you want to disregard the opposite statement WH told you not more than a few hours previously.
You cherry pick the positive comments, and disregard the obvious ....
The obvious is, your WH has not recognized that his integrity is missing in action.
WH thinks that discovering which woman he "really loves" will answer the question whether or not he should abuse his WIFE, disregard his sacred VOWS, and trash his promises alongside his INTEGRITY.
WH is like a ping pong ball on a windy day.
Take him back home under these circumstances, without ANY insight on his part, and he is still vulnerable to other women the next time you and he aren't getting along.
WH does love you.
That's not the problem.
He is, for now, a man without integrity, without a moral compass.
A man like that, should not be trusted with something so valuable such as your heart.
May I suggest you ask WH to write you a letter, discussing his integrity.
"Honey, please write me a letter. Not a love letter, but a letter discussing integrity, and what your integrity means to you."
See what he says.
Is WH reading your MB posts?