Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by bruisedagain
. I want to believe he is done but after 5 false recoveries I'm left lost. .

bruisedagain, another thing you could do is call DOCTOR Harley himself and ask him what he thinks about a relapse following FIVE FALSE RECOVERIES. I am amazed you are even still willing to try with someone who is so shockingly cavalier with your mental health. I would have shot him dead by now.

Most women do not do very well with this kind of abuse. And believe me, his adultery is abuse that is more traumatic than physical assault or rape. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from being abused like this.

It wouldnt hurt to get a second professional opinion. You can call Dr Harley on his radio show here and send Joyce an email FIRST. [mon - fri 2pm cst]

Has this affair been exposed WIDE AND FAR? Does the OW parents know she is shagging a married man? What about all your own parents? Friends and family? Children? Everyone should know about this affair. Do they?

100% agree.
5 FR ... And WH wants to reward HIMSELF by taking a vacation with you?

In all honesty, could you even enjoy a romantic trip under these conditions?

WH just has SEX with OW, you need to worry about some things.
Pregnancy ?
Disease ?

You certainly have the right to accept this cheater back, and take whatever comes.
However, if he cheats again, NO ONE will be very shocked or surprised.

He's had no consequences.
He knows how to play the game.
He knows you, your strengths and your weaknesses. And he's an expert at playing you like a violin.

My advice is the same as Mels.
Ask to speak to Dr Harley, and get a second opinion !!!!!





Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by bruisedagain
it's really hard to walk away from 17 years when they are finally doing the right things, overpouring with I love you's and I'm sorry's that I never got before.

I see one area of your weakness right here.
Nothing like "I love you" or an "I'm sorry" from a man who just recently boinked his young OW.

Do you honestly think that anything he says immediately after betraying you in the most awful way has any value long term?

No one has told you to "walk away".
Plan B is not walking away.
Plan B is self preservation.
Your WH must be an exceptional liar, in order for you to believe his sincerity with so little to back it up.


I strongly urge you to consider this question.
What have YOU learned about yourself during these FIVE false recoveries?
All the focus on this thread is about WH and his actions.
So, what about YOU?
What is YOUR plan of action for yourself to protect yourself?
I see nothing, so please, enlighten us.

God bless.



Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by bruisedagain
Believer-




As far as a post-nup goes. I'm really not into that sort of thing.

Well, are you into being cheated on over and over again? Are you into making it easy for your spouse to come and go with no feeling it if even in the pocket book?

A post nup is something that may help cement his resolve to resist if tempted to contact his OP.

Open your chest of tools here. Don't say a certain tool is something 'you are not into'!







Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Quote
How does he prove he's done with OW?

Isn't this question for him to answer, not you? My thinking is it's his job to come up with how to prove that, and you will recognize it when you see it, and don't have to accept what he offers if it doesn't prove it to you.

Am I right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
I am so sorry that you are going through this, Bruised. One D-Day with immediate NC and months of trickle truth and defensiveness almost killed me.

I think that I would follow the advice that you are getting from the Harleys in your MC and go on this trip if you can stomache it. I would do it with conditions though and I would NOT let him move back in until you feel safe and confident enough that this time is different. He needs to earn this. He is obviously a worldclass manipulator and liar if he has put you through 4 FRs While counseling with the Harleys.

I would also make an MB weekend and posting on this forum an immediate condition and turn TST and Lousy Golfer and the other FWHs on here that make my DH look like an amateur FWH loose on him.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Some more thoughts.


Quote
Then he contacted her again by phone, got weird with me over a few days. Then a few nights ago said he was thinking about getting an apartment, he never loved me in 17 years of marriage. He said I think I love her and have to give it a chance or will always wonder. He left, slept with her, then came banging on the door at 3am saying, "Now I broke it off with her for good this time. This time I meant it." Says he didn't mean those things. He knows he loves me not her. Says he now sees the A for what it was and doesn't want her.

Where is WH's integrity here?
Where does WH mention "right vs wrong"?

Have you noticed that WH assumes the decision to remain married is entirely based on his feelings, not yours?
Have you noticed that WH's feelings change with the slightest breeze?

Have you noticed a lack of consistency.
Your consistency?

You want to believe your WH when he says he loves you, not her.
Yet, you want to disregard the opposite statement WH told you not more than a few hours previously.

You cherry pick the positive comments, and disregard the obvious ....
The obvious is, your WH has not recognized that his integrity is missing in action.
WH thinks that discovering which woman he "really loves" will answer the question whether or not he should abuse his WIFE, disregard his sacred VOWS, and trash his promises alongside his INTEGRITY.


WH is like a ping pong ball on a windy day.
Take him back home under these circumstances, without ANY insight on his part, and he is still vulnerable to other women the next time you and he aren't getting along.

WH does love you.
That's not the problem.
He is, for now, a man without integrity, without a moral compass.
A man like that, should not be trusted with something so valuable such as your heart.

May I suggest you ask WH to write you a letter, discussing his integrity.

"Honey, please write me a letter. Not a love letter, but a letter discussing integrity, and what your integrity means to you."

See what he says.
Is WH reading your MB posts?





Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
PS:

Another dark spot on your WH's integrity .... He can go to OW under false premises, take her to bed for sex, then dump her hours later.

What a pig !!!!
puke

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
How are you doing?

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5