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Marshmallow #2381914 05/29/10 01:18 PM
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Hi again BT,

I hope you are able to get some R&R time in today before your W gets home.

I have to think that the subdued responses from both your W and OM indicate that they are now pretty frightened and shocked after your unexpected and swift exposure. I think that the OM now Has to feel like a guy did in a 'stupid criminal' story I read about awhile back. The guy tried to get into a restaurant thru a vent to rob it and ended up stuck at the lower end of the vent right above the oven for the weekend. He was discoverd on Monday morning. From your W's standpoint she must feel shocked and frightened too. She not only saw her 'beautiful' AP totally dismantled by her H right in front of her eyes (lost his job, temporary living quarters, and maybe his M), but she is most likely stunned and worried now about no longer being able to manipulate you. This doesn't mean that she is not going to hit home like an F5 tornado and continue to berate and manipulate you and justify her A. I just think she has to be afraid of what you will do next, and that psychologically at least you have the advantage.

Take care...

Tom

Tom2010 #2381962 05/29/10 04:54 PM
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Ok...

I do plan to call OMW and tell her I need for it to be exposed now.

I will refer to OMW as "Kathy's husband" (insert correct name), good suggestion.

No NO NO NO!!

I have NOT bought into the line of "she asked for divorce, so that means its ok." Her best friend called after getting a text from WW, saying that she had told me she was leaving.

I told BFF, ok, does that make it ok? Does it make it ok for her to say she is leaving, but continue to enjoy the house and life I provide her while inviting another man to have sex with her on our bed?

Obviously BFF totally got the point and is still firmly disappointed in WW. She keeps saying WW sounds just weird and not like herself.

I am hoping this BFF really is a BFF and will LISTEN to WW and let her try to explain stuff, and call her on it. I am pretty sure if WW hears her rationalizations out loud out of her mouth and not from OMs mouth, she will wake up pretty quick.

If not, whatever.

She does not leave with my son.

I just had friends over for about 4 hours, invited another couple over. Both know.

Forgot to expose to the neighbors, will do that tonight I think, so they can watch for white trucks with ranger stickers on them and call the cops for me.

I am trying to get a few families / couples as "friends" that I can invite over and then go visit with WW so that she can get out and have appropriate friends and not be stuck in the house, as part of my Plan A. So she sees I am not just better with her, but also as a person with EVERYONE. Also so that she can be around them.

The couple I had over today, I didnt know, but both have cheated on eachother, without MB, but knew instinctively what ENs and LBs are, the Affair Fog, and how important honesty and trust are to recovery.

I didnt use MB terms when talking to them, but it all married up. Very proud of them for being a RL family saved by honesty and POJA.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381964 05/29/10 05:06 PM
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Quote
Ok...

I do plan to call OMW and tell her I need for it to be exposed now.

Give OMW your wife's phone #.

If you ask 100 BWs on this board what they would do if they had OWs phone # right after D day, most would call OW and tear her a new one.

It will make the affair most unpleasant for both the adulterers.

BTinTrouble #2381965 05/29/10 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
I do plan to call OMW and tell her I need for it to be exposed now.


BT, tell her that your exposure plan requires that you call your WW TODAY and bring up the fact that the OMW knows about the affair. You want to give her the opportunity to talk to her H FIRST, but you HAVE TO do this today. This is a CRITICAL COMPONENT of your exposure and you cannot afford to dribble this exposure out and give them time to regroup.

Tell her that it is best to do a nuclear exposure on her side NOW while you have them on the ropes. This is a very short window of opportunity.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Pepperband #2381966 05/29/10 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
[
Give OMW your wife's phone #.

DITTO!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Pepperband #2381967 05/29/10 05:10 PM
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PS

You're doing great !


BTinTrouble #2381969 05/29/10 05:53 PM
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WOW!

OMW just called. She said she is telling her 15 and 20 yr old that live at home. Without MB terms, I suggested the power of exposure and asked that she finish the blow to this affair, letting OM know she knows.

I also told her she should probably expose to his whole family too, since worst case, they dont believe her and take his side anyway, best case, at least some of them are disgusted enough with him to let him know.

She agreed.

She told her son, and her son is calling OM now to confront him about it.

So, in short order, OMs last possible line of defense (OM: my wife doesnt know, maybe we can ......) is getting blown away...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381971 05/29/10 05:54 PM
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PS: she called right as I was gonna call, wierd...


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381972 05/29/10 05:56 PM
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I wish I could feel good about this. I thought I would.

I want to throw up again...

god... it hurts. I still cant believe she is abandoning her son over this.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

BTinTrouble #2381977 05/29/10 06:15 PM
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Many are praying for you, BT.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

You WILL make it!

Just one warning...make sure OMW keeps MB a secret from her WH. You don't want OM or WW finding your thread.

Pepperband #2381979 05/29/10 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Hopefully we are not overloading you with info.

Here's one more tid-bit.

NEVER call OM by name.

ALWAYS refer to OM as "Kathy's husband".
Or whatever OMW first name is.

Do not call OM nasty names in front of your wife. Here on the forum, call him whatever you like.
In front of WW it is "Kathy's husband".

3X Yes. I never called my FWHs OP by her name. Never. And when we talked about the A I referred to incidents in which he was "having sex with another man's wife." Okay, total disclosure: I didn't say 'having sex' - there's another, grittier word that was more appropriate.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/29/10 06:23 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

BTinTrouble #2381980 05/29/10 06:22 PM
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Hi BT,

You're not going to feel good about this - no one could, but you should at least feel good about the fact that you are doing all the right things despite the reason or situation.

Just wanted to say that if you have Melody, Pepperband, Marital, and others behind you, then you have a team equivelent to the Yankees $200MM payroll team. You also have the alliance with OMW to help you work both fronts.

For whatever is worth, said a prayer for you And your W this afternoon, that she would be at least begin to realize what a great guy she has, despite her wayward thinking.

And this is probably nonsensical to you now, but I discovered that there are now a couple of really tiny peppers forming on my pepper plants. Am happy, because I thought that I pretty much over-fertilized them a week ago.

Take care BT,

Tom




maritalbliss #2381981 05/29/10 06:22 PM
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Thanks for this one. I had been refering to OM by name. He will now be referred to as the husband of xxxxx.

BT- You are doing well by the way! Keep it up.

Last edited by SickofLimbo; 05/29/10 06:23 PM.

-SOL
_SOL #2381982 05/29/10 06:27 PM
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Back from 4 hours of UA time at the golf course with FWH - I ran to the laptop and left H to unload the golf bags - we're both rooting for you, BT!

OMW needs to expose - good job talking to her about that.

My bet: your WW will be home within 24 hours. Do not let her leave with your son. Hang tight.

Praying for you, BT - but you're doing great! hug


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2381991 05/29/10 06:51 PM
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BT-You are doing a SPECTACULAR job. We are ALL pulling for you.

You are doing very well. I will tell you that you should give OMW your WW's number. I CALLED POSOW. I confronted her everytime I found something inappropriate. The last time was after I found out about the PA. It hurt but it was well worth it. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Marshmallow #2381996 05/29/10 07:04 PM
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OMW doesnt know about MB. I dont use MB words with her, I translate into generic terms and express the concepts.

They still work, go figure.

Just exposed to the neighbors, so they know to call the cops if they see his truck. I told them to go ahead and do it regardless if they think I am home or not.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

Scotland #2381997 05/29/10 07:05 PM
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BT,

Good news about OM's wife and his son calling him. The pressure is intense now on this affair.

I hear you about wanting to vomit. Believe me, you have a long road of that in front of you with tears and triggers, worry about that later.

Try to sleep and take care of your son.

Everything is going to plan. You are doing the best thing you can to save your marriage and family.

Nothing you have done is wrong and dont let your WW even get a toe hold in your mind. If you had not done what you did, your WW would be moving in with OM with your son with OM still employed and you would have lost everything.

You are doing great, we are all proud of you.

SWW


Last edited by sickwithworry; 05/29/10 07:07 PM.
BTinTrouble #2381998 05/29/10 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BTinTrouble
OMW doesnt know about MB. I dont use MB words with her, I translate into generic terms and express the concepts.

They still work, go figure.

Just exposed to the neighbors, so they know to call the cops if they see his truck. I told them to go ahead and do it regardless if they think I am home or not.

She doesn't need to know about this site yet. You can tell her about it later. Keep going.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2382002 05/29/10 07:22 PM
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BT you are doing great!!!

Make sure you are trying to eat and try to get some sleep, when the little guy goes down you may want to try to rest a little bit too.

Still_Crazy #2382012 05/29/10 07:47 PM
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ok, I am stressing something.

TOM! BEFORE I FORGET! Congrats on the pepper and tomato

K, anyway...

when my WW comes home... what do I say?
She is going to try to act like since she was planning to leave anyway that what she is doing is ok and that I had no right to 'invade her privacy,' and that I am a horrible POS for doing that and she can never trust me again - yadda yadda FOG FOG WW SCRIPT FOG FOG, etc

So I know I shouldnt rise to the bait, I shouldnt argue or anything, I got that fantastic list of things to DO and NOT DO, but she might ask me questions that I maybe should answer and I dont want to do it wrong. Here are some I have thought of:

"why did you tell everyone?"
(Because if I did nothing I would be allowing it to continue. I did it to protect our son and because I value our marriage)

"what do you want from me?"
(I want you to end this affair and commit to our family)

"what dont you understand about me leaving?"
(I am here when you are ready to work on this marriage)

"what makes you think you have the right to do this to me(my mother)(my friends)etc, whichever she asks about?"
(I have a right to protect my family and defend my marriage from the things you are doing to harm them. When you are ready to work on this marriage, I am here.)

IDK, maybe I am getting the hang of it?

I kinda like the idea of the broken record method.

Calm, composed, dignified, "When you are ready to work on this marriage, I am here." Over and over, till it hopefully shines like a lighthouse through the fog.

I am getting some positive feedback from some of her friends that have contacted her. She hasnt responded to most of them.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

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