I already ticked him off by telling him I wanted to break things off and wanted no contact we went over the whole thing and he told me fine that he will leave me alone and not contact me or try to be friends.

I think this is such a mess at this point.

I think my best course would be to let sleeping dogs lie right now

We are supposed to be on a family vacation the week of June 14th and I should make my plan of attack for then.

Getting myself together for now and then going on vacation with them as a family.

What do you guys think?

Here is what I suggest at this point in time, Lisa...

1. Start taking care of yourself by eating right, exercising and getting on the AD's. Once you start to feel better physically the mental part will feel better too.

2. Get your home in order. What were your WH's complaints through out your M? Housekeeping? Finances? Whatever it was change for the good.

3. Do a personal inventory and start making yourself a better person. It could be going back to school, taking up a hobby...just do something to better yourself.

4. Do FUN things with your children. Once you start to feel better invite your WH to join you in a family activity. I would consider his invitation for a family vacation if you can control the AO's and DJ's.

Be proactive, Lisa. No matter the outcome, improving yourself is never a bad thing.

PEOPLE! Lisa can't do a plan A while H is not at home, he is literally messing with her head when he comes over then leaves again! He wont move back home he has already told her that, she can't do a plan A so she is FORCED to go into plan B immediately, if she doesn't then she will be confused.

How can she do a plan A if H is not at home? He is messing with her mind can't you see? That is why plan B is so crucial for Lisa right now, because every time she see's him it hurts, then he leaves and does what ever he wants and gets away with it because Lisa doesn't know!

The only chance to save her marriage is to do plan B.

Tell me then, who has done a successful plan A while the husband isn't living with them and he comes over every day, tortures her, then leaves again??

SR, yes she CAN do a plan A with him out of the house. I don't see him torturing her. I see him reaching out and getting his hand bit off. Yes, she is entitled to be upset by his A but AO's and DJ's will just keep him away. When he offered the friendly ride he was reaching out. When he mentioned a family vacation for the kids sake he was reaching out. Lisa has to expect some cake eating while in plan A.

Lisa, I know you are getting conflicting advice but please listen...you are not ready for plan B. If you leave him with this bad taste in his mouth it will be that much harder to recover the marriage.

Oh and btw, SR plan B is not to "save the marriage", plan B is to save the last remaining bit of love the BS has for the WS after doing plan A which greatly dimishes the BS's LB.

Absolutly she can!!!!! Many here have done stellar Plan-A with a WH not living at home. I can't come up with a name right now because I don't have time to think on it. It is not ideal but her WH is giving every indication that he is just as confused as she is about whether or not he wants to be home.

Lisa enforced a boundary by telling him that she could not allow him to live in their home with their children while living a single lifestyle. I think that she needs to use this time out to regroup and get herself under control mentally and emotionally. If he asks, she can very honestly tell him that she does not know what she wants and that now she is the one that needs tome.

Plan B needs to be planned for very carefully and even if she could manage just this family vacation after a break to prepare herself, then she might consider giving him the letter when she gets home and going into a very dark Plan B. Right now, her Plan B is very likely to lead directly to Plan D.

God's Blessings,

Say

Excellent post, say!

I have heard of couples doing a plan A when the other S is away for work, military, army, etc.

So what should lisa do? If her H doesn't want any help, he stopped seeing the therapist, he even told her that he was only doing it for her, he even said he doesn't want to be reached out at.

Maybe you guys have a better plan for her I don't know, and yes he is torturing her emotionally.

Plan B is also to protect the BS from the WS abuse.....If you think you can handle it lisa, do what faithy says....that will be better if you think you can handle it....

Repeating what I already posted.

I think this is the main thing. What can YOU handle, Lisa?

Good luck lisa!

You can do it!

Be strong!

You know I went back through this thread and there is no post indicating Lisa's WH is torturing her. Lisa, you have to pull yourself together. Separating will likely lead to D, especially if you leap into plan B right away. Again, I suggest you give yourself a few days on the AD's to calm down. It won't help if you AO and DJ your WH over and over. From your description, except for the brother problem, he has been a supportive H and even forgave you for the financial problems you said you created.

Look I understand where you are coming from. I was ONLY able to control my anger toward my H when I was on the AD's. It was too painful and I let my imagination run wild about his A which did not help matters.

I know, I told her to get on here and post what he is saying and doing to her.

He is flaunting the A in her face...he is looking her up on facebook and then when she tells him to stop he says SHE is ruining any chance for them to recover and that he is not gonna stay if they are gonna argue...he is gaslighting her, I know that is normal for Plan A, but it is emotional abuse....

Sapphire -- I think you need to do more reading here.
People do Plan A without their spouse at home ALL THE TIME.
I would suggest that you have a thorough understanding of the plans before you advise someone on what they should be doing.

Faithful, you're right -- he was not shoving the affair in her face...Lisa was blowing up at him.

FF's advice is exactly right.

Calm down. Learn and prepare for your Plan A.
Get your emotions in order. Then show your husband the best wife he could ever want. For a few weeks. Then you will be ready to start making plans for Plan B.

Do you understand the lovebank concept? Do you understand how your actions are causing your husband to lose his love for you?
Do you understand that meeting his needs and avoiding the lovebusters can restore the love between you?

Right now you have the power to lead your husband back.

But you have to be strong, disciplined, and committed to doing this RIGHT.

By all means -- if you can't be good to him, its far better for you to stop seeing him and talking to him. Its better to have no contact than BAD contact.

So use some time to calm down and study Marriage Builders. There is tremendous information for you here!

I have already done 3 out of those 4 things and I am continuing to do them I have lost about 25 lbs since this started, I am in counseling 3 times a weeks and have instituted new plans for my kids regarding chores. Plus I ordered the LB work book and book

He also told me that everything he was doing was only because he wanted to stay friendly that it didn't mean anything, for me not to take it as he wants to be back home and that he had basically stopped calling and texting because he didnt want me to have mixed signals... that he only was calling and texing me to answer.... that is very correct he did stop doing those things after his therapist told him to.

He was very clear that all he was doing was because he wants to be friends and that I misunderstood his intentions that he is trying to leave me alone but I wont let him have his space so we can both move on.

I wanted to do plan A but its very hard when someone doesn't want you to contact him and comes around but is distancing himself from you.

He told me today he will do whatever I want he just doesn't
want to hurt anymore or for me to hurt anymore but he knows he doesn't want to be home now and because of yesterday doesn't know if we can get past this
I told him to stop all contact he told me he only was coming over because i asked him to and that he doesn't know what he wants.

Yesterday what lead to the meltdown was me confronting him about going on her face-book page to get his fix. and that because of my AO the chance of him coming back are almost none now and that he felt we should just break it off permanently...

Before he realized what i had done because i hid it from him he told me we should just break it off and he will get the rest of his things out and in the future if we are meant to be together then we will get back together..... After he found out he is just as confused I was the one to tell him to cut it off

He's not doing anything that any other wayward might do.
He's having an emotional affair with someone and he's looking at her facebook page. Big deal. That is NOT flaunting the affair in her face. Unless he called her into the room to watch what he typed!

She simply busted him AGAIN contacting his affair partner -- and had yet another angry outburst.

Look, I'm not saying her anger isn't understandable. But it is counterproductive to what she says her GOAL is -- to fix her marriage.

stilly, that is plain ole wayward behavior of blameshifting and justification...it is not abuse. I know it FEELS like it to the victim (the betrayed spouse) but read the threads and you will see it is typical behavior and to be expected.

Sapphire -- do you know Lisa personally (in real-life) ??

You seem to have inside knowledge of what her WH is saying to her.