|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
Lisa,
Get a friend or family member to come and help you!
You also need to get at least one good night's worth of sleep soon or you'll have massive health problems before long.
Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I think maybe some antural remedies for anxiety can help?
Any suggestions? If not I will have to get a script at the ER ER, Lisa. Go now - they can confirm that you have an appt with your dr and can give you something for anxiety.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
My mom called my cousin who is a doctor and he is sending me a script for something to help me sleep and for anxiety...
He said they wont be heavy duty but they will help untill I can get to my doctor! I will try those and then if they do not work then I will go to the ER tomorrow.
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
My mom called my cousin who is a doctor and he is sending me a script for something to help me sleep and for anxiety...
He said they wont be heavy duty but they will help untill I can get to my doctor! I will try those and then if they do not work then I will go to the ER tomorrow. Good girl. Take as prescribed. Don't take more than it says to take. I know you're not a baby, sorry! "If one works okay, two will work better" is never a good idea. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
I just want my mind to stop racing and the what ifs to stop!
thant all I want to be able to work the program!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10 |
I just want my mind to stop racing and the what ifs to stop!
thant all I want to be able to work the program! Hopefully the medication will help you. About controlling our thoughts, Steve Harley gave me the analogy of dodging waves, and it's been helpful. He said when a wave is approaching, we typically don't dive right into it nor allow it wash us away; instead, we kind of let it go around us so it impacts us the least. We should approach the mind games and negative thoughts the same way. We know they're coming, but try to let them roll past you by having a predetermined, alternate topic to think about in it's place. Keep a list in your pocket if you must. This has helped me a great deal. What a difference a week makes!
"Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes ... but I'll work it out."
BW, healing, happily married
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
I want to thank all of you for getting me through the day!
Today was a tough one!
I have my meds one for the anxiety /depression one to sleep!
Anyways ended the day on a good note! Spent the afternoon with my sister and she was very understanding since she was in plan A for 7 yrs but for her she ended up hating her husband and divorced! She told me when I am ready to either move on or let go I will know. She also told me to have very clear boundaries when I go to plan B..... She told me kill him with kindness do not let him have any reason to justify his behavior.
He came over when she was there and went upstairs. I followed He was in the computer room frustrated since he never remembers passwords. I went over and said are you having issues Ill enter it for you. Entered it and backed off...He then asked me did you want something and I said yes your insurance cards arrived.
I then turned and went downstairs.... he followed like 5 minutes later..I gave him his motorcycle registration and insurance cards answered his questions about my meds! All very cordial ...
I then asked him if he was going to ride it home tonight and he said yes and went to bring it out.
my sister was like wow you are good its almost like nothing is wrong just a typical day! Then I just kept having conversation with my sister and my kids we laughed and enjoyed ourselves..
he parked the bike out front and we kept talking while he just watched us.
I asked about the leash for the dog.. He then took the dog to the car he was like i think i have it!
He then stood by the steps infront of the house waching us talking as if nothting was wrong.. hethen sat down on the steps!
I told my sister Im going to drive you home since WH is here.
I gathered my thing and said Ill be back and got in the car.
The whole time he kept looking at me with a whats she up to expression....
So I drove her home and stayed at her house for 2o minutes... On my way back he send me a text
Are you on your way back I will be leaving soon!
I just ignored it and when I pulled up he was standing outside with the kids.
I got out of the car and sat on the porch chair... and started texting my friend .... He was just standing there silently
I looked up and said you know it looks like its going to rain are you sure you want to take the bike?
He looked at me and was like you know what Im checking the comp for the weather..... I said oh ok and kept texting
He came back out and was like yeah its going to rain Im putting it away!
I said oh ok bye... since he had already said his goodbyes to the kids! He didnt say anything and I repeated a very cheerful goodbye....
I am not leaving yet he said just putting the bike away!
He came back and stood on the porch looking at the street.
I looked up and was like are you going to our daughters 8th grade program tomorrow I cant get off work.
He said yes and I told him good she will like that ... and kept lookig at my phone....
He said Im leaving... I said ok bye very cheerfully!
I didnt discuss anything but superficial things and kept it very cheerful and I also made sure I was casual but cute...
He has not called or texted since but I know he was very surprised by my cheerful detachment!
Very proud of my self for this! Resubmitting plan A maybe next week!
For now just taking it a day at a time!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Way to go Lisa -- excellent control!
Now try to find ways to meet his needs. Right now you have him impressed with your emotional control. Next is to make him WANT you.
Flirt....Admire....then detach, just like you did tonight!
Leave him wanting more....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
YA!! That post made me smile!  Keep that up then he will be wanted to come by a lot more!! But remember no LB or talk about the relationship! Your doing so good Lisa! I'm so proud!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496 |
(((((lisa))))))
good job lisa.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Well Lisa I am HAPPY. GOOD FOR YOU. You made it through today. Do you think you could do it again tomorrow? I think you CAN. Like Lexxxy said. Do what she suggests and you WILL be doing Plan A, NOW. Not next week. You are going to do it NOW. Doesn't that sound fantastic? The sooner you can get a GREAT Plan A, the sooner it can be over. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
I think I can, I think I can
I am going to do this!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Just keep it up -- one day at a time.
And when you are feeling restless or anxious, come HERE.
People will be here to coach you through it.
We will keep you focused on YOUR PLAN instead of calling OW or OWH or something else that will sabotage your great efforts!
So -- give us some clues about your WH.
What was it like when you were falling in love? How can we help recreate that? What do you suspect his most important emotional needs are?
Discovering what those are, and finding new ways to meet his needs will be the whole basis of your plan A. Lets make this FUN!
Did you notice his ACTIONS tonight? He didn't want to leave.
He wanted to interact with you.
You did GREAT!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
Yes but I don't want to read to much into it! He probably is watching me to see how I am emotionally but I guess that is better than nothing.
I forgot to tell you he did aske me if I was still going to the gym!
I said not today but tomorrow! He said that's good keep up your routine!
I have lost a total of 29lbs! Suffering the worlds greatest diet! Do you think I can sell it?
I am not sure but I know he craves acceptance and understanding, admiration, appreciation, I think conversation but thats a bit hard for me right now!
When we met and through out the years we always laughed alot together and always had discussions about us our friends...
The one thing was we always did things together but we kind of got out of that over the years...
When we met we talked about anything and everything for hours.. he has always felt like he had to do things on his own without any support from his family.
He comes from an abusive home dad was an addict/alcoholic mom put up with it for 9 or 10 yrs and then jumped into another abusive relationship.. he ran away at 14 and had worked for everything we have had ever since
We met and I was 16 and he was 18 and we just clicked its funny because he comes from a very different background than I...
We both came from broken homes I was more neglected and he was abused....
He has always been a protector especially of his sibligs because of the abuse they had to endure.... He feeld he abandoned his brother when he ran away and has always carried that
BTW his dad did try to kill him and his brother when he was 18 He told me this and was devastated because he had to call 911 and his dad ended up in the state hospital for like 60 days!
He has had it rough but somehow he always rose to the top!
He always made me laugh and he was the one who could calm my anxiety! I have always been prone to anxiety and panic!
I just cant say enough! I know that when he isnt foggy this will be hard for him to process! He will internalize the guilt like he always does! If and when it lifts!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
He also said he feels like he is a failure for not going to college and being a working class person!
I dont see anything wrong with an honest days work!
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 3 |
Lisa,
I just stumbled upon your thread and read about your medication problem.
I'm a pharmacist and just wanted to let you know that a Lexapro (escitalopram) prescription is usually changed to Celexa (citalopram), when it isn't covered by insurance. They're the same chemical, only Lexapro is a bit stronger because it contains only the active isomer, instead of both. Celexa is available generically and costs only $4 per month.
You can ask your pharmacist to call the doctor who wrote your prescription and have it changed...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Men often get sucked into affairs trying to be the knight in shining armour. Sounds like your husband might have a touch of that. So in that instance make sure you do the damsel-in-distress-routine. Find some chore around the house that needs to be done -- then watch him do it and appreciate him....admire him....thank him. Have you read about the top 10 Emotional Needs? The Most Important Emotional Needs
As soon as I realized that a large Love Bank balance triggered the feeling of love, I went to work trying to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest Love Bank deposits. I would ask couples, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" That very question focused on a core issue in marriage -- the issue of care. I could have asked the question, "How would you like your spouse to care for you?" As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy.
When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. But it might not have occurred to you at the time that if you didn't care for each other the right way, you might lose your love for each other. And along with your loss of love, you might lose your willingness to care for each other.
At the time, you probably did not know what caring for each other the right way meant. You thought that your commitment to care for each other would be sufficient to sustain your love. Even today, you may still be in the dark as to what it takes to care for each other the right way.
If that's the case, let me explain to you what care in marriage is: To care the right way, you must make large Love Bank deposits. And I've found that the best way to make those deposits is to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs. A need for birthday parties, peanut butter sandwiches, Monday Night Football, I could go on and on. Some people have some of those needs while others have different needs. If you feel good doing something, or if someone does something for you that makes you feel good, an emotional need has been met.
But not all emotional needs are created equally. When some are met, you may only feel comfortable--they make small Love Bank deposits. There are others, however, that can make you feel downright euphoric. In fact they make you so happy that you're likely to fall in love with the person that meets them. I call those our most important emotional needs because they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage.
By now you can probably see where I'm headed. My first goal when counseling a couple is to help them identify their most important emotional needs. Once those needs are identified, I help them learn to meet those needs for each other. I want them to make the largest deposits possible into each other's Love Banks. If all goes well, they begin making those large deposits and eventually they are in love with each other.
When I first began using this approach to saving marriages, I didn't know what made people the happiest in marriage -- I didn't know what emotional needs would be the most important. So I had to ask hundreds of men and women that question, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?"
As spouses explained what they wanted most, I classified their desires into emotional need categories. And almost all those I interviewed described one or more of only ten emotional needs as being most important to them (admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment). Very few ever named a most important emotional need that was not included in this list of ten.
I also made a revolutionary discovery that helped me understand why husbands and wives tended not to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Whenever I asked couples to list their needs according to what they needed most, men would list them one way and women the opposite way. Of the 10 emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice-versa.
What an insight! It is no wonder that husbands and wives have so much difficulty meeting each other's needs: They lack empathy. They are willing to do for each other what they appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected. What they appreciate the most, their spouses appreciate the least!
Pay close attention to this next point I am about to make, because it is one of the most misunderstood aspects of my entire program.
Everyone is unique. While men on average pick a particular set of five emotional needs as their most important and women on average pick another set of five, any given man or woman can and do pick various combinations of the ten. So even though I know the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don't know the emotional needs of any particular husband or wife.
I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages, so I encourage each couple to ignore what I say about average male and female needs and identify those that are unique to them. That way each spouse's list of the most important emotional needs reflects what he or she appreciates the most. When they meet those needs for each other, they create the greatest happiness, and trigger a mutual feeling of love.
These conclusions are reflected in my book His Needs, Her Needs where I explain how couples build romantic love by learning how to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Readers are encouraged to identify these needs by using the Emotional Needs Questionnaire that I provide at the back of the book. Then I encourage them to become experts at meeting those needs. This questionnaire is also available to you on this website. Just click, Emotional Needs Questionnaire, to discover the most important emotional needs for you and your spouse. Be sure to print two copies so you and your spouse each have one.
Before you fill out the questionnaire read a short description of each need that I've provided for you so that you will be accurate in the choices you make.
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
Once you have identified each other's most important emotional needs, your next step is to learn how to meet them. I've written several Q&A columns to help you achieve that objective. Listed below are some of those columns.
Affection
How to Meet the Need for Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
How to Meet the Need for Sexual Fulfillment
Changing a Willingness to Make Love into a Desire to Make Love
How to Overcome Pain During Intercourse?
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion?
What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography
Conversation
What to do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant
Recreational Companionship
Why Should a Couple Be Together When They Are the Happiest?(Part 1)
What to Do When Your Recreational Companionship Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 1)
What to Do When Your Recreational Companionship Becomes Boring and Unpleasant (Part 2)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 139 |
This is where I am a little stuck on correctly judging his emotional needs right now.
Plus he has pulled back from me somewhat since he doesnt text me as often or call me as often
Should I invite him over for dinner?
Help him wash clothes?
I could ask him to teach me to ride the motorcycle once I get the permit!
Wont he see though my plan as excuses to get him over here?
Its the weekend and this will be hard for me since he will be out and about!
What can I do to get him to spend time with us over the weekend?
***************
Me BS 34
WH 36
D-Day 5/1/10
Entering plan A 6/1/10
3 Kids
No longer an army of 1
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Morning, Lisa. The hardest and most important part to grasp about Plan-A is that it is about you. It gives you control over a life that seems to be spiraling out of control. You are initiating change in the only one that you can change, you.
I think at this point it will be a very good thing if you do not hear from him for a few days. It will give you a chance to settle down and focus on you. My advice would be do not call or text him. Respond cheerfully if he contacts you but don't be in any hurry to resond. Don't tell him you love him or ask what he is doing or where he is going, it makes you appear clingy and needy.
Concentrate on Lisa, your children and you. Buy a new outfit for your 29 lbs lighter body, get a pedicure, buy a new book, change a room around or paint it. Plan a fun impromptu, out of the ordinary activity with your kids and give them your complete and total attention. I'm sure that this has been very difficult for them and they will be happy and feel safe to see there mom back the way they need her to be even if dad is gone.
I think Mark told you to look good and smell good. It will make you feel better. It will make your kids feel better and if WH drops over, it will keep him guessing. Don't focus on getting him to spend time with you over the weekend. Use that time to work on your transformation of you and your home. Your goal is to make you and your home warm, attractive, inviting and beckening. Next week when he starts stopping over, ask him to do a little job, express your appreciation and admiration for what he has done and just happen to have his favorite dinner ready when he is done.
Keep in mind, he may not stay. Cook with that possibility in mind. If he does, keep things light and fun. If he doesn't, sit down with your kids and enjoy the meal, ask about their day, make them feel loved and important and secure. It is hard not to have expectations for your WHs reaction to these changes but Plan A helps Lisa become a more attractive, independent person so watch for and enjoy the changes in you.
Self control is a beautiful thing. Read Sick of Limbo's thread and you will have the ultimate example in Plan A sel control. You can do this, Lisa but only if you learn to contol yourself and not be baited into confrontation. Act don't react!
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879 |
Found this while I was reading an article explaining plan A and plan B, didn't know if you had read that article yet but these two paragraphs I thought of you while I was reading them.
While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 06/04/10 09:46 AM.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
1,015
guests, and
70
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
