The Buyer and the Renter
In my Q&A column, Living Together Before Marriage, I described two approaches to marital conflict: The approach of the Buyer and the approach of the Renter. To help you understand why it may be difficult for you to complain to your spouse as soon as problem arises, I return to that analogy.

When a couple live together before marriage, they tend to be "renters." By that I mean that they view their relationship much as they would renting an apartment. If something goes wrong in an apartment, the landlord is expected to fix it -- if it needs paint, the landlord paints it; if it needs repairs, the landlord does the repairing. In other words, the renter is not responsible for making the apartment suitable for living -- the landlord is responsible. And if the apartment is not repaired, the tenant isn't expected to fix the apartment himself, he simply moves to another apartment if he doesn't like the one he is renting.

In the same way, couples who live together before marriage do not expect to make many changes to accommodate their lovers. The relationship is a test of how "livable" their relationship is, and if they were to find it uncomfortable, or if one were to complain much, it would mean that they would not be right for each other.

Those who live together before marriage tend to ignore conflicts until they become intensely negative. That's why these relationships are notoriously abusive (as reported in a recent Justice Department study on domestic abuse). If these couples eventually marry, they carry their renter's agreement into marriage, with the same tendency to ignore conflicts until they build up. Since the renter's agreement does not promote healthy adjustment in marriage, or the sustaining of romantic love -- the vast majority of these marriages end in divorce.

On the other hand, when couples marry before they live together, they tend to be "buyers." Much like buying a house, these couples realize that if anything needs fixing, they will have to fix it -- the sooner, the better. Their marriage is not a test of how livable their relationship is, but rather, it's a commitment to make their relationship livable. That means that when a problem first surfaces, they go right to work fixing it, knowing that if they don't fix it soon, it can lead to an even bigger problem later.

I say run far, far away.

You might be thinking "easier said than done" but this really is your best option.

I pray you are strong enough and smart enough to do just this.

Jamela, believe me, we all know that being married is no guarantee of fidelity! In your situation, your friend did not have an affair because you are not married. He is a free agent so the concepts wouldn't fit your situation.

People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage.

An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple. As I said before, I was married and "marital committment" did not stop him from having affairs.

People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage. An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple.

We have a sort of unconditional love for each other that I wouldn't expect you to know unless you know the two individuals personally!