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ooooooooooooooooooooooo
Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:10 PM.
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Hi Jamela, welcome to Marriage Builders. My suggestion would be to get the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders and jump to the chapter about the "curse of living together." In it, Dr Harley explains why shack up situations are so tenuous and fraught with problems. Shacking up is very, very different from marriage. The Buyer and the Renter In my Q&A column, Living Together Before Marriage, I described two approaches to marital conflict: The approach of the Buyer and the approach of the Renter. To help you understand why it may be difficult for you to complain to your spouse as soon as problem arises, I return to that analogy.
When a couple live together before marriage, they tend to be "renters." By that I mean that they view their relationship much as they would renting an apartment. If something goes wrong in an apartment, the landlord is expected to fix it -- if it needs paint, the landlord paints it; if it needs repairs, the landlord does the repairing. In other words, the renter is not responsible for making the apartment suitable for living -- the landlord is responsible. And if the apartment is not repaired, the tenant isn't expected to fix the apartment himself, he simply moves to another apartment if he doesn't like the one he is renting.
In the same way, couples who live together before marriage do not expect to make many changes to accommodate their lovers. The relationship is a test of how "livable" their relationship is, and if they were to find it uncomfortable, or if one were to complain much, it would mean that they would not be right for each other.
Those who live together before marriage tend to ignore conflicts until they become intensely negative. That's why these relationships are notoriously abusive (as reported in a recent Justice Department study on domestic abuse). If these couples eventually marry, they carry their renter's agreement into marriage, with the same tendency to ignore conflicts until they build up. Since the renter's agreement does not promote healthy adjustment in marriage, or the sustaining of romantic love -- the vast majority of these marriages end in divorce.
On the other hand, when couples marry before they live together, they tend to be "buyers." Much like buying a house, these couples realize that if anything needs fixing, they will have to fix it -- the sooner, the better. Their marriage is not a test of how livable their relationship is, but rather, it's a commitment to make their relationship livable. That means that when a problem first surfaces, they go right to work fixing it, knowing that if they don't fix it soon, it can lead to an even bigger problem later. continued here another article devoted to living together
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"I love him" Is that enough for you? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? Below is a link to a book that might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.htmlBUYERS RENTERS FREELOADERS Being that you never married this man, you are in a RENTER situation. Nothing wrong with that, UNLESS you pretend it is a BUYER relationship and deceive yourself that it is the same as married. It is not. If you make the decision to remain with a man who cheated, then lied about it until the baby came along ... That is your prerogative. Once you accept this situation for what it is .... A long term renter-ship , then you can make decisions about your relationship for what it is. You can no longer claim to be a victim of this once you decide to stay with him. If you do stay with him, you are a volunteer. My advice to you is: 1. Don't get married unless you want to be this Childs mother. 2. Separate ALL your finances immediately. 3. Take off any rose-colored glasses, ditch all your expectations, and accept this AS IS ( if you decide to stay). 4. Get tested for STDs. I'm sorry I sound so bleak. Your decision to remain with him means you will be connected to the crack addict for years into the future. Decide if you want HER in your life .... And, where is the 9 year old? Has he been making child support payments? Love is not enough. Be cautious about your own motives. Decide based on what is real, not on what you wish were real. Best of luck.
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Ha! Mel beat me to the punch (again)
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I say run far, far away.
You might be thinking "easier said than done" but this really is your best option.
I pray you are strong enough and smart enough to do just this.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:11 PM.
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I say run far, far away.
You might be thinking "easier said than done" but this really is your best option.
I pray you are strong enough and smart enough to do just this. I agree! A couple questions, were you seeing your S.O while he was still married to his ex? I know you said you were friends for 24 years, but was there any other kind of "special" relationship you had with him before they were divorced? Also another reason why I think you should RUN, is one you don't have a commitment to him, yes you love him, but there is no reason why you should take HIS problems on YOU! Sorry you are here.
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Sounds like you have an open relationship, no commitment, and no worries.
So this is actually your decision if you want to have him come back in your life just the way it was before.
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0 Thank you!
Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:11 PM.
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Jamela, believe me, we all know that being married is no guarantee of fidelity! In your situation, your friend did not have an affair because you are not married. He is a free agent so the concepts wouldn't fit your situation. That being said, dating is not the same as marriage. Dating is just a test drive for marriage. This program is for marriages and not intended for dating situations. If you want to get advice about dating, I would check out this newsletter here. You may not have a "fear of marriage," but it has some good advice about how to choose an appropriate partner.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:12 PM.
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Jamela, believe me, we all know that being married is no guarantee of fidelity! In your situation, your friend did not have an affair because you are not married. He is a free agent so the concepts wouldn't fit your situation. Agrees
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People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage. Yes, we do. We call it DATING. Everyone here has dated so we understand it completely. An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple. As I said before, I was married and "marital committment" did not stop him from having affairs. An unmarried couple is about as committed as a renter would be. And even less because they haven't even signed a lease agreement. Marriage does not stop anyone from affairs, just as not being married did not stop your partner from cheating.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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People don't seem to understand a relationship that is outside of marriage. An unmarried couple can be just as committed to each other as a married couple. LOL I've been married 29 years. Before that, I was in a non-married relationship for 14 years. I'm pretty certain I do understand. And the commitment is different.
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Anyway, what do you want to do?
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Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:13 PM.
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Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:14 PM.
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Last edited by Jamela; 06/10/10 02:15 PM.
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We have a sort of unconditional love for each other that I wouldn't expect you to know unless you know the two individuals personally! Maybe that is the problem? Perhaps all that "unconditional love" has given him unrealistic expectations of entitlement? Maybe he thinks he can keep you on the side giving him unconditional "love" while he carries on like the free agent he is? It sure hasn't led to any committment, fidelity or honesty, has it?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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