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I wish I had some words to reassure you. I can understand your concerns, since my stbxh has had depression for years, and a few years ago was near-suicidal before I finally was able to drag him against his will to a psychiatrist. He has never taken responsibility for his own health and happiness, and I worry that he will stop treatment, and become suicidal. I don't really think he would kill himself, but he'd probably make some gesture out of self pity and to punish me for leaving him. I know I'd be asking myself the same questions you are, and I worry that our kids would feel that I "drove him to it" with the divorce. Nevermind the fact that the divorce was actually over his emotional and sexual abuse, and infidelity.

Is your X receiving any kind of counseling or treatment for depression? I hope so.

Don't blame yourself for choices he makes. He is a grown man, and he can either seek help, or become self destructive. You can't control his thoughts or actions. When the marriage became unbearable, you left as an act of self preservation. Don't ever let yourself be made to feel guilty for that.

Last edited by EllenG; 04/30/10 11:12 AM.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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Originally Posted By: EllenG
I wish I had some words to reassure you. I can understand your concerns, since my stbxh has had depression for years, and a few years ago was near-suicidal before I finally was able to drag him against his will to a psychiatrist. He has never taken responsibility for his own health and happiness, and I worry that he will stop treatment, and become suicidal. I don't really think he would kill himself, but he'd probably make some gesture out of self pity and to punish me for leaving him. I know I'd be asking myself the same questions you are, and I worry that our kids would feel that I "drove him to it" with the divorce. Nevermind the fact that the divorce was actually over his emotional and sexual abuse, and infidelity.

Is your X receiving any kind of counseling or treatment for depression? I hope so.

Don't blame yourself for choices he makes. He is a grown man, and he can either seek help, or become self destructive. You can't control his thoughts or actions. When the marriage became unbearable, you left as an act of self preservation. Don't ever let yourself be made to feel guilty for that.


Thanks... you are right...
One of the Army wives on the show I saw lost her husband even though she tried to stick by him. It wasnt her fault he killed himself. It shows that no matter what I do or say, he is going to do what he wants.
No, he's not getting help. He is very stubborn.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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Originally Posted By: armywifie
I was watching TV a little while ago and saw a report on two soldiers who suffered from PTSD after their tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. One man was 39 and the other was 40. They were both married. Their wives were talking about how their husbands couldnt adjust to life at home and became depressed. They talked about their husbands drinking and engaging in reckless behavior, including infidelity. One wife said she almost filed for divorce. Both wives tried desperately to get their husbands to agree to get professional help. Their husbands were afraid that if they asked for help they would not be promoted.


My ex refused to consider counseling and while he had exhibited small amounts of the traits that led to our divorce, they became exaggerated after he returned from Iraq. One of the reasons it took me so long to leave him is because I felt like you wouldn't leave someone who came back paralyzed from the war, so why someone who was mentally paralyzed. I kept hoping and praying he would get better, but watched instead as he got more and more depressed, quit his job, and rather than find work when I could no longer support our bills and his extra living expenses, got caught up with folks doing illegal activities.

It's been 10 months since I left him, and he now says he had literally lost his mind, and would have never "woke up" had I not left.

I wish you all the best.

Daisy


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Thanks Daisy...
STBXH still has not signed and sent me the divorce papers. I messaged him on FB the other day and said "aer u ever going to send me the papers? I thought u wanted to get this over with.." He wrote back "yeah yeah I got u. Been really busy. I need u to call me so I can talk to the kids cuz I dont have ur number anymore and I know my dad gave u mine" His dad didnt give me his number...


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 412
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There was a thread somewhere about "you can't fix a broken spouse." Only he can get his act together. In the meantime, you are doing what you think best to take care of yourself and your kiddos.

Don't forget what Ellen said:

Originally Posted By: EllenG
Don't blame yourself for choices he makes. He is a grown man, and he can either seek help, or become self destructive. You can't control his thoughts or actions. When the marriage became unbearable, you left as an act of self preservation. Don't ever let yourself be made to feel guilty for that.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Originally Posted By: armywifie
I went to church for communion tonight, and STBXH called twice while I was there, but I ignored the calls. It's been almost a month since he's called. As soon as I got out of church I called him back and he asked to talk to the kids. I told him I just got out of church and I'd put them on the phone as soon as I got to the babysitter's house. I asked him why he hasnt called the kids and he made all kinds of excuses about how busy he has been. I told him "You havnt been too busy to be on Facebook" He got all mad and started talking crap and calling me names. He complained about how much money child support is taking out. He told me I need to find a way for the kids to come visit him. I said "I wnated to bring them down for Christmas and you said no". He told me it's cause he doesn't want to see me. I told him he has to see me for the rest of his life because we have kids together so he might as well get over it and act like an adult. He yelled at me some more and hung up.
I got home and called him back and put the kids on. They each talked for like 30 seconds. Then I told him "Happy Birthday. You need to call the kids more often" and he hung up. Today's his birthday.



You need to think about your goal with respect to Dh and the kids. Yes, you are mad at him. Yes you think he needs to step up. But if he makes the effort to call and he gets sniped at by you, do you really think he is going to want to call again anytime soon? You have to train him that calling his kids is a good thing.
If he says he is busy, then you say "No matter, the kids are going to be thrilled you called".
Also, you can give him "talking points" for the kids... like you could tell him "Ask Bobby about his playdate" or "Jane got a new doll today, you could ask her about that". It keeps him more up to date on what they are doing as well as conversation topics that interest the kids. Also send him pictures of the kids so he can put them on Facebook. Or maybe get you and him webcams and set up a standing time for webchats with the kids.

Last edited by wannabophim; 06/02/10 03:14 PM.
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great ideas!
guess I'm not gonna be as lucky as I thought... STBXH is now refusing to sign the papers and has been begging and crying again to get back together... He says he quit drinking and learned his lesson and loves me and blah blah blah.... heard it all before...


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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Hey AW!

I haven't posted to you in a while. You are doing great!!

Push the D through at this point. Don't give into the 11th hour antics of WH. If he really has changed and IF you are willing to consider him as a partner still after all of this then he can court and date you all over again and prove his changes rather then just saying them to you. I think it would be a big mistake to halt the D at this point. Make WH walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

Hope you and the kiddos are doing great!!

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If he isn't doing actions to back up his words, continue on your course unless/until he demonstrates otherwise, and even then, I'd be cautious believing what he says, what you need is to see change demonstrated, not hear about it.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Originally Posted By: armywifie
great ideas!
guess I'm not gonna be as lucky as I thought... STBXH is now refusing to sign the papers and has been begging and crying again to get back together... He says he quit drinking and learned his lesson and loves me and blah blah blah.... heard it all before...


ITA. Stick to your guns.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Me and the kids are great! I'm definitely not going to stop the divorce... I dont want to have to start all over again if anything were to go wrong. He's paying for us to go visit him in Texas in July. I told him i have no problem with him seeing the kids and that we have to agree to get along. He's wanting to talk about getting back together and talk to a chaplin together... dont know about all that, but I know my kids will be happy to see him and thats all that matters....


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
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I know that I haven't posted to you in a long time. I haven't been to the sight while working on my own divorce recovery. I understand wanting to make things easier and wanting to stay married - even when it may not be in your best interest. When you visit him with the kids (if something doesn't change before then), have him sign the papers if at all possible. If things are going well, you don't have to file them. If he backslides again it is already done. He has a history of alcoholism, infidelity, and eratic explosive behavior by your accounts. He should be able to understand your hesitation. My guess is that he will blow up at you again before or during the visit.

Keep doing what is right for you and your children. You cannot count on your husband to do the right thing at this point.


Over it.
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hmmm.. that's a really good idea!
I dont expect him to do the right thing. I dont really care anymore... it's weird. I dont know how to stop loving him but I'd much rather be alone and happy than be with him and be unhappy. I've told him how I feel and he still begs for another chance to prove himself. He tells me he loves me and is sad that I dont say it back. I dont care though. I am happy with my life and I want it to stay this way.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
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Originally Posted By: armywifie
hmmm.. that's a really good idea!
I dont expect him to do the right thing. I dont really care anymore... it's weird. I dont know how to stop loving him but I'd much rather be alone and happy than be with him and be unhappy. I've told him how I feel and he still begs for another chance to prove himself. He tells me he loves me and is sad that I dont say it back. I dont care though. I am happy with my life and I want it to stay this way.


You will go through periods where you do and don't care. That is normal. It takes a long time to stop feeling love for someone that you plan a life and a family with. Alone and happy is not a bad thing! He begs for another chance to prove himself but does nothing with the many chances that he gets everyday. He doesn't call the children often. He is not kind towards you. He tells you that he loves you but his actions are in conflict. Of course he is sad. He is alone. He has thrown his family away for cheap women and booze. He is either drunk or hungover. He is facing another deployment and he is probably scared and angry.

You don't have to figure everything out at once. Break your recovery into small manageable pieces. What is the most important thing that you want to accomplish? Work on that first. What can be easily accomplished? Work on that next. Take breaks from these challenges if needed. Along the way try to find joy in each day. My children are 19 and 21. They have been the greatest blessing and source of joy for me. I have been divorced twice. It was awful both times. Life does go on and it does get better.

If your husband really wants you back as he says, he will find a way. Otherwise it is just words. Words are cheap.


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Wow. 'nuf said.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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You are responsible for your own peace of mind and happiness, he is responsible for his. Just because he is sad about the situation he has created for himself does not put the onus on you to make him happy or better. Continue doing what is right for you and your children and let him find his own way.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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SS2 you are sooooo right!
smile


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
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