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Gdar Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: karmasrose
Make sure you teach him about how not to get suckered, then. Good H's tend to attract the high-maintenance batty women. Not always, but I have seen a lot of it.


I have re-read this a few times, but not sure what you mean? Could you clarify? Thanks.


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Most good men are trusting, almost too trusting, and can get easily fooled and mistreated by women.

AKA don't let him turn into a guy who gets taken advantage of by women.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted By: karmasrose
Most good men are trusting, almost too trusting, and can get easily fooled and mistreated by women.

AKA don't let him turn into a guy who gets taken advantage of by women.


I guess I am still not understanding what your point is, or how it applies to my situation/thread? I feel like this is a reply for someone else's thread.


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Oops! Yes, it was. Sorry, I had two tabs open.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Gdar Offline OP
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Thought so. I was so confused. LOL


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H has called me 4 x already today! Wow! He is so incredibly stressed out today (grad day), has a long, busy day and a huge speech tonight. He puts way too much pressure on himself professionally to be "perfect". He has a great speech written, but he refuses to "read it", so he has spent hours memorizing it, getting no sleep and it has totally made him a wreck today. Grouchy, pissy, short, direct. I just keep telling him that it will go well, gave him an example of how nervous he was to give a speech at a big event, and it went over beautifully. All those days of stressing he would mess it up, and he was amazing. As always, professionally.

One and a half days to go.... one and a half days to go....


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Well, I suppose this is a redflag. *Sigh*.

I noticed recently that my H was on Facebook and finding old friends. He was against FB for a long time, because as he puts it, just could give a rip about what is going on with people he knew in highschool, and the current friends he has from college are the only ones he chose to stay in contact with. He was actually annoyed when all of these people in highschool started "friending" him. So, it was a surprise to see that he has used the search engine to find friends from high school. 3 of them are women. All 3 are attractive and married.

Well, the history on the laptop shows that he searched for a particular girl and looked at all of her photos (like 15 pages). Her info shows her as having a secondary education degree, but does not list her employer. My H then opened up the district website he works for her looked her name up in the staff directory.

Lovely.

Just freaking lovely. I also believe one of the girls he friended is his ex hs gf, but they also lived together for a year after he graduated college and before he started his graduate degree. They broke up because she cheated. The last time they had contact was about the time he met me, when they had lunch, but nothing ever since. If he has contacted any of these women using his FB messages, he is deleting them right after he sends them. I have seen no messages to him, either. But still. It is like telling me back when we were dating that men and women cannot be friends, having some issues with me having friends of the opposite sex, then finding himself involved in an EA 3 years later.

Must like telling me he could give a rip about anyone from back in the day that he does not currently have in his life, and then searching for them and adding them as friends.

I guess I really need to stay on my toes.

Last edited by Gdar; 06/16/10 05:12 PM.

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Should I ask him, or continue to snoop until I find something else? If I ask, he will deny, of course and claim that since he knows I check the computer history, he was "obviously" not doing anything wrong, because if he was, he would not just leave it open for me to see.


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Keep snooping!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Gdar....I am not sure about confronting him....yet....I hope someone like Melody comes by to let you know how to proceed here.

Do you have spyware on the computer so you get it sent to you privately? If not I would get it installed right away.

From what your finding your H is for sure trolling for a hook up of some kind.

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Of course you need to keep snooping. You need to figure out what is going on before you can confront. You know that if you confront too soon, it will push him further underground. Keep it under your hat FTM.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Mel will yell at me. smile

No, it is his work laptop and he is friends with the IT guy - not to mention my H is pretty computer savvy. He has suspected I have put one on it before, so he checks.

This is all so irritating. Joyce and Bill want me to wine and dine my H all summer long, without the kids as much as possible, to "bring him back to me" since all he ever does is work, but this type of thoughtlessness just makes me want to LB and AO all over the damn place. Why am I always the one having to woo HIM? He gets everything he asks for out of me. Everything. Even all he relates to is his Taker. Sometimes I don't want to be the Giver, damnit.


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Originally Posted By: Scotland
Of course you need to keep snooping. You need to figure out what is going on before you can confront. You know that if you confront too soon, it will push him further underground. Keep it under your hat FTM.


Will do. I feel like I have spent 2 years of snooping and the most that has been uncovered was an almost run in with the OW because of a work obligation and him being curious about some gal he went to school with (but did not date). I mean, I look at my FB friend's pictures, male or female, because I am interested in people and their lives, but I am not the one that has had an A and trying to prove myself in this area.


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That's your TAKER screaming at you. That's okay, we know that the taker is there.


It has got to be ROUGH. Hang in there.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Gdar Offline OP
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Screaming really loudly, too. Really loudly.

But I sit here with a pretty smile on my face.

I bought myself a nice bottle of wine to enjoy tonight with my mom, since H is not here. I need to relax.


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I'm with everyone else Gdar..keep snooping.

What about VAR in the car, GPS on the phone, etc.? Can you install something on his work phone (flexispy) to capture his texts?

Eblaster is supposed to be undetectable but I'm not an expert, so I don't know.

Don't spill your hand yet.

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In two days he will be home for 3 weeks. He rarely goes anyplace.

No need for the VAR in the car, as to and from work each day he has my 13 yr old (and this coming yr, also my 12 yr old) in the car with him. I have phone records and nothing has ever once shown me he is talking or texting anyone he should not be. Not once.


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Keep snooping. Do NOT tip your hand, do NOT reveal your source.

If worse comes to worst and he is involved with someone, you probably want to do Plan A first.

Which is totally in line with what the Harleys recommended, about wining and dining him.

So either way, you want to stay in that plan. Don't fall out and do something you'll regret later just because you're upset right now.

You have a plan. Hang onto that. Your plan is stable. Keep with the "wine and dine" Plan A behavior... *and* keep snooping.

I'm sorry to see you over on SAA. *hugs*


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
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DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
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(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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I did want to say I'm sorry about your situation. You seem like an awesome wife with a husband that doesn't appreciate what he has.

Anyway, two things that really won't help you much but stuck out to me...

This is coming from someone in education and goes to graduations every year. Tell your husband not to make a super long speech. While he thinks it's inspirational and motivational, the students graduating, the teachers, and staff really don't want long speeches. It gets to the point where everyone is thinking "please hurry up!" Parents kind of like it to a point. What they really want is to see their son/daughter walk across the stage and graduate.

Is your husband allowed to be on facebook with his work laptop? In the school district I work out, IT (not just one guy) monitors computer activity. Facebook/myspace/youtube, etc is blocked from viewing and if teachers get around it ala a proxy blocker, they get in huge trouble. We had one vice principal get his computer privileges completely taken away because of this.


Husband (me) 39
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Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Gdar Offline OP
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Thank you Jayne and KT. I always appreciate your support.

KT, I JUST had this conversation with H last night about his speech. I tried to remind him, these are a bunch of 13 years olds and will not understand half of the big words and sentiment he is putting into it. Really, over a week of writing it and prep and rehearsing, and not a SINGLE ounce of his time was going to his wife or kids. Not an OUNCE. I feel like I have been walking on egg shells for a week and a half because he has been stressing himself out to be PERFECT.

His laptop at home is not monitored now, no. He got a new fancy MAC desktop all-in-one for his office and the laptop now stays here and no longer travels back and forth to work with him each day. Also, the district only is strict about personal use if it is a STUDENT at school, and in classrooms (so, teachers). Admin has free reign, unfortunately. They are pretty much all their own bosses.

KT, what I am gleaning here, from this last week of him being completely checked out from the family and focusing on nothing but this speech and day, is the admiration. He called me tell me how his speech went (well) and that he got "glommed on" by parents almost immediately to tell him how awesome and amazing he is. Which is what led to his EA in the first place.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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