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((((Fantie)))


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Hi Fantie,
welcome to MB, so sorry you have to be here, but I can say you are in the right place. I've just read thru your thread for the first time and have some thoughts, they are a bit out of order, but possibly helpful

First of all clap for your exposure! It was beautiful smile Isnt it funny how almost 100% of waywards get so angry about the BS sharing the news about their new found love. If it was so lovely, forged in the stars, blessed by God..well them wouldnt they just love to have the whole world share in their joy??? Nope, just rage and tantrums.

My DH moved out for about 6 months, so do not be too concerned about that right now. Also please note a WH is well known for turning on a dime. He might be wonderful today, and hell on earth tommorrow. No matter what Fantie stays the same. Warm, loving and caring. You see, in his mind he will have made you out to be some heartless, cold monster, in order to justify to himself his 'right' to his affair MrRollieEyes By doing a solid plan A you cause conflict because you are not reacting the way his cold monster would, your actually someone very nice that he wants to be with.

I am wondering, could you specify a bit what your plan A is? Common top EN's for men are Admiration, physically attractive spouse, sexual fulfilment and domestic support.
Generally our recommendation for a BW in plan A is to always look gorgeous and goddess like when around the WH (and the OP too, it gives you a bit of a boost) make the home a warm and welcoming place, tidy with his favourite foods either cooking or ready to go. Flirt a little but be subtle, and try to find things you can complement him on. You can look into the marital history if he isnt doing anything nice now -waywards dont seem to notice that its old stuff your saying.



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Well my plan A was showing him all the changes I said I would do and was doing. I was e-mailing him and at the end saying I love you - giving him a hug here and there - made nice dinners - changed my shift at the hospital from Sat. nights to Wed. nights - But he told me that all of that was over kill for him -

So how did you handle your husband leaving for 6 months? I really don't want that option because I would feel like he is carrying on the affair still and leaving me wondering what is going on.

Today's been a hard day - I have so many emotions - up and down - he never called the kids last night but I found out that he was golfing with his buddy - I feel like he is running away and not dealing with this. I hear bits and pieces from friends and I analyze everything (I am a Virgo) - I feel like my heart is going to break.

One thing I am struggling with is why is it so hard - you have a BS telling you that she wants to make us and the family work - and that she loves you and wants that connection back with the WH - I want him to be jumping through hoops and say YES!

Any advice or suggestions would be awesome!


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Hi Fantie,

You've done a great job so far and you've been guided with really good advice.

It is all so very frustrating isn't it. The more that we expect, the more frustrating it is.
The trick to squashing frustration, is realizing that you can't control what your WH does.

You CAN influence the A environment and make is as difficult as humanly possible for this A to carry on.

As was already suggested by Mel and I think SusieQ, make a visit to this POSOW (piece of sh*te OW),
and tell her that you are not going anywhere and that you intend to stay M'd.
There is no reason that you should not do this. Let her know where you stand.
Be sure to look smokin' hot when you do this. Don't sit, stand above her if she is sitting.

The up and down emotions ....... yup, all part of this horrific mess. It does get better, really.
You'll find too, that your emotions change minute by minute.
You'll question yourself, remember that WH's decision to have an A, is not your doing.
It was his choice to cross that line. There are always other options when dealing with a weak M, other than adultery.

So, this time while he is gone, get yourself together, as best you can with 2 little ones.

Keep reading here, know Plan A off by heart.
Scotland's thread, Installed a keylogger, comes to mind as a good one to read.
She managed a pretty good Plan A.

Remember that one of the goals of Plan A,

is to make WH see that returning to his M and family,

is a better choice than staying with POSOW.

Good luck, and hang in there, it's not over yet, not by a long shot. hug smile

You can do this, you really can.




M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Another thought,

he is with his parents and friends right now, so they likely are keeping a good eye on him.

Send him some sweet text messages ...... nothing over the top that would make him question your sincerity of the message.

The goal is for you to be in his head, not OW.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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I would prolly not do the hugging thing. While your coming from a intimacy point of view, to him your an annoying person he doesn't like very much and we all know how unpleasant it is to be hugged by someone we don't like.

How did I handle the being left? Weeelll, I went a bit insane at first, MB helped a lot there, as did having an actual PLAN instead of just constantly wondering what to do!

I was fortunately in a position that I had some very good people who were willing to just be with me and listen in my bad moments. I started IC, which for me was a literal life saver, but YMMV.
I also LISTENED to what Flick had to say about what he didn't like about me. I think it was Believer who told me to really listen, and to not just disregard everything he said as being untrue, to look and see if there was a kernel of true in his words. At that time Flick was saying I was 'unfriendly' and 'not fun'

I really reached out to people and made an enormous effort to be friendly. Funny thing is that now he complains about how I have a ton of mates in comparison to him laugh

I also took somebody else's advice and worked on ME. What could I offer that made me more fun and attractive to be with than PQ (his OW).

I took up a few new interests including learning to ride a motorcycle and I still love my LilHonda.I got a SCUBA license (love it, love it, love it!)I got more involved with my church. I did some thing's I had always wanted to do like getting my ears pierced and a tattoo that I hadn't been able to do when Flick was at home, after all I have total freedom to do as I choose as a single person, right?

I coloured my hair, had some laser hair removal, bought some new clothes (well had to do that, I lost so much weight) bought some very sexy underwear, and generally spoilt myself.
Basically I built myself a life that even if it didn't attract Flick home, would make me someone interesting should a time come when I would want or need to look for a new partner. Fortunately I didn't have to.

Oh yes, I also took Flick overseas on a family holiday and messed with PQ while we were there laugh


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thanks everyone for all your help. On Thursday I asked him on the phone if he had time to think and if he came to any conclusions. He said yes, that we would talk when he came home. I asked him what his plans were - he said he was planning on coming to the house - and then I said then what - he said where was he suppose to go we had no money.

Then I came home from work yesterday to find out that he became friends with her on facebook. I was like stick the knife further into my heart. She must have just signed up on FB. So I called him and said that I need to know what his plans were before he came home. I have been so sick to my stomach over this. Then he told me that he was going to get his own place - I lost it (my mistake) then I told him that I found out that she was bi-polar and had borderline personality disorder and that I will make sure that our kids were protected - he keeps telling me that it isn't about the affair - then he was telling me that I am putting demands on him - which he hates - then he told me that he became friends with her on facebook to see how closely I was watching him - which I do not believe for one second - he is all over the map - he told me that while he was back home he had been looking at houses because I said I would relocate - but then I heard that he told his friend that he couldn't move back home due to jobs - he is all bouncy all over the place.

He is suppose to fly back today and I told him not to come to the house - by the time his flight arrived back the kids would be in bed already - told him to call on Sunday -

He won't tell me that he wants a divorce n

I guess am I missing something? What is my plan suppose to be? I tried showing him how much I love him - showering him with nice meals, trying to listen, looking good -

Could someone help me with a plan.

It's hard for me to get on this site and read all the other links/posts because I have 2 little ones (5 and 3) who demand alot/ALL of my attention.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Could someone tell me if there is a way to find out if he is spying on my computer?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 68
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If he is determined to get his own apartment - how do I go about him wanting to see the kids - do I let him come over whenever he wants? What are the rules? Our kids are ages 3 and 5.

He just got back into town and asked if he could come over first thing in the morning and I told him that we had to talk first - he got mad and hung up on me.

NEED HELP.


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Until you are in Plan B, you will do the best you can to keep up your Plan A. That means that he will see the kids as often as possible. Not necessarily on HIS timetable though. You make plans.

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK IN PLAN A. You need to not do that. You will tell him that you will not accept a marriage where he has a girlfriend. You WILL tell him that you will NOT be with him forever while he is with someone else. But what you have to do right now is focus on your Plan A. BE the BEST wife and mother YOU can be.

So, meet his ENs and don't commit any LBs. Everything else is in accordance with your PLAN.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Ok so let him come over and play happy wife - show him I can meet his emotional needs. He did send me this e-mail

you cannot hold the kids as a leverage. its not fair to them. You are continuing to dictate what will happen. i will be by the house in the morning. i will do things around the house as well and spend the day with them. if you want to go somewhere, by all means you can. if you want to go somewhere together with them that is fine as well. we will find some time to discuss what we are going to do even if it is after they go to bed tomorrow night. i am tired and am going to bed early tonight. i will see you in the morning.

How should I respond?


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
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Fantie, do you want him to move back home? I am confused about why you told him not to come to the house. It is hard to do a good plan A when he is not at home. JMHO, but I think you would be better off with him back at home while you plan A.

There is a spying 101 thread. If he is spying on your computer he is likely doing it with a keylogger, which are tricky to detect.

It usually (not always) takes some time to bust up an affair. The wayward is going to lie. About everything. Plan A is to convince him that you are a more attractive option than the affair.

After a few weeks of this, you may need to think about Plan B. But Pepperband's words to you above were very wise, I think. I am concerned for you, responsible for those young children 24/7 with such turmoil going on in your marriage.




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Someone posted on this thread that we/I should tell the kids - that daddy has a girlfriend and that is not allowed when you are married - should I let him know that - he is so concerned about what I have told the kids - because last night my 3 year old told him Mommy was sad.


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Oct 2005
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You let him come over and you be your most spectacular self. You really need to bite your tongue off all day long until you get some time to talk, and then you need to try really really hard to keep the conversation focused.

We all know how hurt and angry you are, how hard it is to sleep and eat properly, how much emotional pain there is. This is a terrible time. But you are going to have to ride the rollercoaster for a while.



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You do not need his permission to tell your children the truth. I think it is a mistake to agree to lie to them or to negotiate with a wayward what you should tell them. You are the sane one right now.


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Of course I would love him to come home - I was just so mad yesterday - I plan on telling him to come home and sleep in our spare room -


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Jun 2010
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Well he came over at 7:45am and of course he came in as the Disneyland Dad - gave the kids t-shirts and Toy Story 3 dolls and the kids were all over that.

I am looking good and trying to bit my tongue - it's going to be a long day.

When the kids go to bed how or what should I say? I know to tell him that I will only talk him marriage with you and not divorce - should I just sit and listen -

Need advice on what to talk about.

Thanks


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Oct 2005
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I think it is a good idea to let him talk and you mostly listen. Don't try to "negotiate" anything, he is not a rational negotiator right now.

This is just ONE DAY. There are many more days in your life. You will not likely resolve or fix anything in this one day. Your best use of the day is to be as fabulous as you would try to be if you were newly dating this guy.

Fantie, I don't think anyone has talked to you yet about withdrawal. If and when he actually breaks it off and no longer has contact with OW, he is going to go through at least a few weeks of withdrawal and be angry, mean and nasty. It will pass. It is just like drug withdrawal.

This is going to be a long ride, no matter what happens to your marriage. It is going to be at least a couple of years before you truly feel healed and back to normal.

It is a marathon, not a sprint. Our job here is to help you get through this in as healthy a way as possible.


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Thanks - we have chatted a few times when the kids have been busy doing other stuff- he told me that he hasn't had any contact with her (other than work) and he told me that he loves her - ugh! and he is getting his own place - he's been nice and civil today which puts my guard up - he feels like he needs his own place because we need to learn how to talk and treat each other - and then maybe we can work on our marriage - he said we should move forwarded with selling the house etc.

my heart is sinking! It hurts so much. What am I to do now?

HELP!!!!!!!


BS (Me): 39
WH: 35
M: 9 years
DS: 5, DD: 3 1/2
DD1: May 24th, 2010 - phone call from OW's boyfriend
DD2: June 20th, 2010 - found e-mails on his computer
Joined: Jun 2008
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Fence-sitting. Cake-eating.

"WE need to learn how to talk and treat each other"

That is what you do under ONE ROOF! He wants to have the best of both worlds.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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