Sorry, I misquoted you. Here is what you said:

fellspointmom, letting children come to their own conclusions is a failure of moral guidance if the parent does not give them the correct moral conclusion. Children do not have the maturity or judgment to "come to their own conclusions." Leaving them to conclude right from wrong on their own is child neglect. And of course, they may conclude otherwise when they get older, but leaving them to come to a conclusion on their own causes great moral confusion and leaves them deaf and blind in an immoral environment.

Saying that this is not synonomous with a neglect of moral guidance makes no sense to me so I am not sure what you are trying to convey with those conflicting statements.

There is nothing wrong with Stronger telling her child about her feelings about the OW. There is absolutely no reason to pretend to be friendly. Doing so is dysfunctional. Dr Harley is correct when he advises being honest about her feelings:



I agree with you here. It is not in their best interest to see you befriend the OW because it would be an endorsment of adultery. Kids needs to see their parent take a stand against it.

That is not in your DD's best interest though, to be dishonest about your feelings. They need to hear your honest feelings; silence conveys endorsement.

Did you read Dr Harley's comments about this? HE is the professional, fellspointmom.

This is in direct contradiction to Dr Harley's advice:

[/quote]

This is the quote that is relevant to the OP, who in her original post stated that she told her two-year-old that the OW was a BAD PERSON. That's a DJ, eh?

Melody, does Dr. H address step-family situations where the AP is involved in the COM lives? It seems to me that everything you are quoting is about exposure during Plan A. How about something relevant to after the divorce is final?

She told the child she did not "LIKE" the OW, and that is accurate information that should be shared with the child. Dr Harley advises not to call names, etc, but the child should understand that the OW is a bad person who took her father away.



Of course it is not limited to Plan A. That makes no sense.

Not that your question makes any sense [radical honesty only being valid in Plan A] but this comment was made to a BS whose husband married the OW. They have 3 little girls:


In other words, don't call her names but be honest about the affair and her corresponding feelings.

I find it very troubling that this poster, StrongerthanB4, is treated like the bad guy on Marriage Builders for saying she doesn't like the OW, when in truth, she is the VICTIM. She was badgered in this thread to a point where she felt inclined to remove her post. That is ridiculous.

We need to keep this in perspective and remember that the bad guys are the ones who committed adultery and destroyed this child's family. The OP is not the bad guy for saying she doesn't "like" the OW.

Those of you who have criticized her for doing exactly what Dr Harley prescribes have twisted the knife in the back of someone who came here for help. That is a disgrace.

Does Dr. H address situations where the AP is involved long-term in a step-family situation?

I can't imagine, "I hate her, she is bad," is healthy for anyone over the long haul. There has to be a better answer.

Again, you don't have a clear perspective. What is unhealty is adultery. Honesty is not unhealthy. It is not unhealthy to hate adultery; that is an expression of honesty. Dr Harley's approach to LIFE - that means all situations, not just some - is as he describes:

By your own admission, you did not read what she originally posted. I do not think she is a 'bad guy' here, but an aching soul. She said much more than that she didnt like the OW.

I don't like the OW, and I don't even know her.

Nobody has a problem with her not liking the skank.

CWMI, your posts on this thread have been appalling and anything but supportive. I have not seen you consult any of the Marriage Builders material in your quotes, so I am not sure how you felt you were being helpful. What did you feel you had to contribute here?

I felt I could contribute a mirror for Stronger to look in and see how her actions were seen by an outside party.

She's not building a marriage.

She's dealing with a finalized divorce and a very VERY young child. I'm a mom. It's a soft spot.

Here is your first post to her, CWMI. You actually chastised her for saying anything. That is in direct contradiction to Dr Harley's advice.

And what does that have to do with Marriage Builders?

EDIT

EDIT

Let's get back on track and stop with the disrespect! If you cannot be supportive to this OP and help her with Marriage Builders concepts, then refrain from posting. Posters should not be condemned here!

CWMI Please contact me.

ok i want to clarify something here i have never at any point ever verbalized to my daughter that the OW is a bad person. I just stated that i didn't like her to my DD. I at no point in time stated that my DD could not like her. Yes me saying i don't like her could come across as such but as she had indicated by telling me that i had to like her... my DD does indeed like the OW and spending time with her. I never told her she wasn't allowed to or any such things. I do not talk ill about her father, OW, OW son, or even the son's father who also lives with them. Yes folks there is a ton more to this story than what i had asked.

I know i didn't handle the situtation correctly that was the exact reason i even posted her. That is why it was still bothering me almost a week later. I was trying to get some advice. And yes i go to IC and have since talked to him about what has happened. He pointed out... just as melody has.... that i do not want her to not talk about OW and what happens to keep an eye to make sure nothing bad happens to her. He does agree with the fact that my daughter needs to know the truth (age appropriate). He has also stated that i do not need to accept there relationship just to make things "easier" in the long run, BUT to not have any points of contention with them in her presence. I at no time discuss my full emotions on the situation with her present. The only things she has ever heard me say "ill" about her is that she is not her "nudder mommy" as she put it. And that i do not have to like her. Yes i was WRONG to tell her we don't talk about her and that was more of an emotional response than anything else. I was not expecting it and should have been better prepared.

Now do my XH and OW come to my mind on a daily basis. NO... not any more thank goodness. I have a happy and healthy life. The only time it plays a role is when i get triggered or when i find out my XH is 2 months behind on her health ins and it had been canceled. As an example. That is when i get frustrated that he still just doesn't get it. Again the theory that this OW takes space in mind on a daily basis is far from it. I can see how it may when i posted orginally but my wound was open up again and felt raw.

Now i didn't mean to cause all kinds of contention her just trying to find another avenue to learn how to do what is right by my daughter. I may not always do the right thing every single time but i am trying my darnedist.