Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 84 of 91 1 2 82 83 84 85 86 90 91
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
Gerka,

I am glad you are travelling back home, even if the military transport is the pits.

Your wife is such a sweetie. If you do end up divorced, I wonder if we could arrange an introduction to Bin Laden.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Put her crap in a storage unit. Tell her she's got one month to get it. Send her an awesome FU letter. Block her from ever contacting you again. And move on w/ your life. You are a good guy. You won't be lonely for long!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
So the MB consensus is that this marriage isn't worth persuing any further?

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
So the MB consensus is that this marriage isn't worth persuing any further?


Not sure if my vote counts since I went straight to Plan D, but she doesn't see worthy of you to me!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Okay, Gerka, I know I don't post on your thread often, but I've been reading along since the beginning.

Here's my advice. Do with it as you will. Your WW has decided that you are her doormat, and she's going to take every opportunity she can to wipe her feet all over you. STOP LAYING DOWN AND TAKING IT!

How old are you? I'm guessing early 20's? You have no children with this woman. She's about the nastiest person I've ever encountered to be writing these sorts of things to someone who is risking his life everyday to serve and protect our country. She's mean, horrible, selfish. Why on earth would you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman?

I can absolutely GUARANTEE you that as soon as you cut yourself off from this egotistical child, that you will find someone 500 times better to spend your life with. Five years from now, when you're remarried to someone great and raising a couple of kids, you are going to look back on this time and thank God that you didn't end up stuck with her.

And just so you know, I think you are the only poster I have ever recommended a Plan D for. It just turns my stomach reading all of the nasty things she continues to write to you month after month. I say enough is enough. You deserve so much better than this, and you can have it. But you have to accept that she is what she is and she's not going to change.

And I am a FWW. I was in a deep fog for 6 months after my H discovered my A, and NEVER once (even when I was pushing for a D) did I say anything nearly as cruel and horrible to my H as the things your WW is saying to you.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
Ahhh Gerka, only you can answer the question about your marriage. No one can make that decision for you. I think you will know, if you don't already.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
It is not whether we think your M is worth saving. It is what you want.

However you were wrong to delay coming back home. Can't plan A from the Sandbox.

How did exposure work with the army?

Did you push/follow up the chain of command?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Couldn't plan A from across the country either.

According to her she was never given a no-contact order. It seems like the OM's CoC took things very seriously, while hers didn't even do a real investigation.

Wouldn't surprise me if she was PCSing to Fort Campbell to continue the relationship.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
I've been thinking about the dog a lot, and I wonder why everyone's advise was to give her the dog as part of plan A. And yet, when people have kids, no one advises giving them up as part of Plan A, they advocate making it clear that if the wayward spouse leaves, they won't get the kids. I'm really going to miss that dog. frown

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
What do you want to do, Gerk? If she is still involved w/ OM, then you can't expect her to behave much better than she has been. You've done a good plan A, you can complete it by bringing her her things, in person and then handing her your Plan B letter.

Eventually the A will end. And she may pull her head out of her ass and realize what a fool she was to let you go. Especially when she thinks of all you did during your Plan A.

Or you can go directly to plan FU followed closely by Plan D.

It's up to you.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
I've been thinking about the dog a lot, and I wonder why everyone's advise was to give her the dog as part of plan A. And yet, when people have kids, no one advises giving them up as part of Plan A, they advocate making it clear that if the wayward spouse leaves, they won't get the kids. I'm really going to miss that dog. frown


I'm really sorry, Gerk. If I remember it correctly you said you didn't want the dog if your M broke up b/c it would just be a trigger for you.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
I know it's not the same as having YOUR dog, but animal shelters are full of dogs that need someone to love.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
If you still intend to follow the MB plan, might be time to start thinking about Plan B and getting your letter ready.

She seems very attached to blaming everything on you. Might be a good time to let her see how her life will be without you.

By the way, so glad and thankful that you are headed home.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
So the MB consensus is that this marriage isn't worth persuing any further?


I think that was the consensus about 150 pages ago, but we decided to help you try to save your marriage anyway because that's what you wanted. Now it sounds to me that isn't what you want anymore and you need to put your conscience ease with pursuing a divorce. You SHOULD divorce this woman. Thank your lucky stars you didn't have children or any real property with this horrible woman. Use this experience to determine why you pursued someone this awful in the first place and avoid those types of women in future relationships. I would send her a plan FU letter, drop her stuff in storage, change your contact info so she can't get in touch with you anymore, and countersue for divorce on the grounds of adultery, just so it is a matter of public record. Then forget this horrible excuse of a woman and move on with the rest of your life.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
Gerka,

I have always been reading along on your thread. I have posted very little because 1) I am no expert in recovering an M - I hope to be. My H and I seem to be on track towards recovery now. and 2) you have been getting great advice from other posters, especially the military posters.

re. the dog. I think sending the dog to WW was the right thing to do at the time. I have wondered if WW really wanted the dog because she loved and missed dog OR if WW just wanted to get another dig in on Gerka. I don't know. I could be reading too much into that situation. If you think it could be the latter, perhaps there is a chance you could negotiate for return of dog if that's what you choose.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Then keep the dog. Give her a Plan FU letter, let her get her stuff, get rid of her, and thank the Lord you never had children with this mentally broken woman.

You deserve better.

There is a retired Colonel I think the world of. He found out his wife was cheating and left her right then and there. Didnt see her for a year until the day they were finalizing the D and signing papers. She let herself go. He had some words about being grateful to be rid of her and the way she let herself go and that was the last time he talked to her about 30 years ago.

I wish I could have had that kind of emotional control.

The point is that we should all have that kind of pride when dealing with a wayward. We deserve better. YOU deserve better.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads
The point is that we should all have that kind of pride when dealing with an unremorseful wayward. We deserve better. YOU deserve better.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 07/23/10 01:22 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Hi Gerka,

Her last email indicates that at this moment, she is not wanting to recover any sort of M with you.

The question that is yours and yours only is,

how much more effort and pain are you willing to put forth to recover a M with WW?

What do you believe is in your best interest?
Sometimes this is best thought about by trying to remove your emotions and looking at a
situation logically. I believe that you can do this.

Originally Posted By: Gerkaguards
So the MB consensus is that this marriage isn't worth persuing any further?


It really doesn't matter what the MB consensus is, this is your life, not ours.
You are the main character in all of this, we are simply the props to guide you in the direction that you wish to go and to give pointers as to how to get there.

And ..... we are here to support you as long as you need us. That's a given!

We can't make your decisions regarding which direction to take your life, that would be a disservice to you.
You are capable of weighing out the short and long term effects of R or D and it is you that will have to cope with them, not us.
What we can do is give you what we have learned, and hopefully from that, help you see your
situation more clearly.


I can tell you from my experience, R from adultery, is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure.
My FWH has been a willing participant in our R since d-day, he has worked very hard to change his thinking and his actions, ..... and it has still been difficult.

Triggers have set me back, bouts of pre A behaviour by him, insecurity of his sincerity to R (this can be real or percieved), the list goes on and on.

How are we doing, almost 2yrs. post d-day, we are getting there slowly.

It takes a committed WS to make a BS feel safe again.
A committed WS will continue to do whatever it takes to restore the M.
Those are big shoes to fill, as they should be.

Just in case you may get it in your head that your Plan A was not good enough, throw that out, now.
You have always given her the impression that you were willing to rebuild your M, that your vows to her were solid and that you were a safe place to land back at.


hug


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
oh and the dog, get him/her back, somehow!

I completely understand the dog thing. smile


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote:
So the MB consensus is that this marriage isn't worth persuing any further?


Hey Gurka - I don't really have a vote. The decision on whether to keep trying or pop smoke is 100% yours to make.

It does appear that she's still in "it's all about me" mode, so you need to decide if you are willing to continue to work on the M knowing full well that she is still only concerned about herself.

I still stand by my previous suggestion... get home, relax for a bit, then take all of her stuff out to see her.

Even if the M does end in divorce, by keeping to the high road, you will always know that you did the right thing and you won't have any regrets. On the other hand, your WW will someday wake up and realize what she lost, and by then, it will be too late.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Page 84 of 91 1 2 82 83 84 85 86 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 49 guests, and 55 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5