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"No clue where I have been". "I am not defending myself"
Not to be argumentative, SW, but those statements are very much those of someone most concerned about defending themselves. No one knows your real name, SW, or who or where you are. There is nothing to defend. You were in a dysfunctional marriage, and you were both contributor and enabler. Those things are always true. You chose to cheat with someone outside your marriage, which is not a solution. It is not defensible. The people here are trying to help you, and it won't really start to work until you stop defending yourself. This program works, if you want it to. You have to give up and find humility. It really is just that simple. I am not writing these things from the standpoint of superiority. I have been a miserable failure as a person, despite having done many very good things and having had a loving heart for people and the world. But in my marriage, I was a total crippled idiot, and perpetrated evil. I grew to hate my wife, because she saw through my ego [censored] and would not play along. I used my hatred to perpetrate evil against her and ruin a quarter century of her life instead of just getting out. Now, all I want is her, because I see a jewel, and I want it. I never really saw her before. I am just learning, just starting to crawl. And I see myself in you. Please. Just stop defending yourself. You can do this. I am sure of it.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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OK...let's all calm down here and drop the hyperbole on both sides.
SW, no, you are not a child-molestor or a mass-murdering, war-mongering, power-hungry dictator a la Hitler or Stalin or Mao (pick your poison there ladies). You didn't kill anyone and you (hopefully) recognize your adultery was WRONG & EVIL. We all have sinned and we all can be redeemed if we choose to confess, repent, and make amends for our misdeeds.
But...let's be clear. Your adultery was more than simply "a bad mistake" too. The fact that you otherwise "do good things" in your life does not in any way mitigate against the very vile thing you did to your BH & family. [All of those here who occaisionally "do good things", raise your hand...everyone's hand goes up!]
There is no point in getting into the "good person/bad person" argument. How about this--do you want to be a MUCH BETTER person than you were during your affair? I would hope the answer is a resounding "yes". If so, then drop all the touchiness, excuses, and defensiveness about your culpability in the adultery. Such activities only reinforce to others that which you are seeking redemption from. Replace it with HONESTY, HUMILITY, & REPENTANCE. Selflessly RESTORE those you have wronged. Live a life of honor and respect from here forward and you will recover your honor and respect.
We can learn from the past even though we cannot change it. How we are regarded by others in the future depends upon how we act in the present. Best wishes...
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Sad - see my response on your thread.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Rant(since this is what the thread was started for  ) I get so mad when WSs claim that the BS don't get dinged with 2x4's or treated as harshly. I remember reading some posts and thinking, "Wow, that was HARSH." I would even cry about what people wold say to me. I now go back and re-read what those people said and I think, "What was I talking about?" You see, we all have our own filters. We see through our own eyes and use our own experiences to colour what we are looking at. We ALL could pull out a string of wrongs committed against us. THOSE experiences helped mold you into the person you are but they do not have to define you. You still make choices. Learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them. When you know better, you do better.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Rant(since this is what the thread was started for ) I get so mad when WSs claim that the BS don't get dinged with 2x4's or treated as harshly. I remember reading some posts and thinking, "Wow, that was HARSH." I would even cry about what people wold say to me. I now go back and re-read what those people said and I think, "What was I talking about?" You see, we all have our own filters. We see through our own eyes and use our own experiences to colour what we are looking at. We ALL could pull out a string of wrongs committed against us. THOSE experiences helped mold you into the person you are but they do not have to define you. You still make choices. Learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them. When you know better, you do better. Good point Scottie.....though your "rant" about it was a bit soft.....you need to add a few capitals and exclamation points. Oh, and a few of these......  And yeah......I STILL feel the sting, 2 yrs later, of a few well deserved blows delivered from Mimi, Kayla and SL.........my sister STILL wants to kick some a$$ on my behave.......  Not
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Sorry Not, I am feeling a bit under the weather. Couldn't sleep either and now I get to go off to work and infect my co-workers HEHEHEHEHE. I will try harder next time.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I don't see 2x4's here, nothing harsh. Just honest truth of the situation.  When we say pull your head out and go do Plan A, that is the truth! It is exactly what should be done with all considerations of a given situation. When you deny the truth, get defensive on your actions (WS and BS alike), that is when you get bombarded by the truth. A married couple, and I mean it takes two to tango, who do not handle the truth will fail their marriage. Mine is fine for now because me and my wife accept the truth of things. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be vigilant and on my toes either.
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Seriously though, I have only been here for 9 months and I have seen a lot more BSs cut and run when the vets are suggesting that they expose. There are quite a few threads where BSs are pretty much talking to themselves because the vets just couldn't handle talking to an empty wall. NO ONE, BS or WS alike, get unending advice without taking action and changing who they are and how they think.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I don't see 2x4's here, nothing harsh. Just honest truth of the situation. When we say pull your head out and go do Plan A, that is the truth! It is exactly what should be done with all considerations of a given situation. When you deny the truth, get defensive on your actions (WS and BS alike), that is when you get bombarded by the truth. A married couple, and I mean it takes two to tango, who do not handle the truth will fail their marriage. Mine is fine for now because me and my wife accept the truth of things. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be vigilant and on my toes either. You have obviously not been on a thread where some other poster have decided to attack a BS. How about telling me, "Obviously your WH had an affair. I hope he NEVER comes back so you get what you deserve." Is this TRUTH? Nope. It is just a turd deciding to attack people. Happens often enough around here though that there are mods. Edits happen just as often on BS threads.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I don't see 2x4's here, nothing harsh. Just honest truth of the situation. When we say pull your head out and go do Plan A, that is the truth! It is exactly what should be done with all considerations of a given situation. When you deny the truth, get defensive on your actions (WS and BS alike), that is when you get bombarded by the truth. A married couple, and I mean it takes two to tango, who do not handle the truth will fail their marriage. Mine is fine for now because me and my wife accept the truth of things. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be vigilant and on my toes either. You have obviously not been on a thread where some other poster have decided to attack a BS. How about telling me, "Obviously your WH had an affair. I hope he NEVER comes back so you get what you deserve." Is this TRUTH? Nope. It is just a turd deciding to attack people. Happens often enough around here though that there are mods. Edits happen just as often on BS threads. lol....true, I guess I skip , skim, or ignore those guys who are attacking. I don't want any of that. I have selective reading.
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I give them a few posts and then, if their attitude doesn't change, I hit IGNORE USER.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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SW,
In the big scheme of things.... SIN IS SIN.
There are NO degrees of sin with God. ONLY with man does it have a degree....which is defined with the "jail time" that it demands.
Now, is it more important what it means to God...or means to man? Which one gets you the farthest in the long run...and by that I mean eternity?
<<<Don't normally go with the God argument..it just seemed to fit this instance>>>
Keep wearing your "My sins don't define me" badge and you will find yourself committing the same sin over and over...because you are minimizing YOUR vile and evil action of adultery.
committed
Last edited by committedandlovi; 07/25/10 11:13 AM.
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"No clue where I have been". "I am not defending myself"
Not to be argumentative, SW, but those statements are very much those of someone most concerned about defending themselves. No one knows your real name, SW, or who or where you are. There is nothing to defend. You were in a dysfunctional marriage, and you were both contributor and enabler. Those things are always true. You chose to cheat with someone outside your marriage, which is not a solution. It is not defensible. The people here are trying to help you, and it won't really start to work until you stop defending yourself. This program works, if you want it to. You have to give up and find humility. It really is just that simple. I am not writing these things from the standpoint of superiority. I have been a miserable failure as a person, despite having done many very good things and having had a loving heart for people and the world. But in my marriage, I was a total crippled idiot, and perpetrated evil. I grew to hate my wife, because she saw through my ego [censored] and would not play along. I used my hatred to perpetrate evil against her and ruin a quarter century of her life instead of just getting out. Now, all I want is her, because I see a jewel, and I want it. I never really saw her before. I am just learning, just starting to crawl. And I see myself in you. Please. Just stop defending yourself. You can do this. I am sure of it. Dear GM (GoatMan) You made my day!  Added:
Some days, I ask myself "Pep, why do you bother?"
Then, someone writes something so unexpected and so encouraging, that I just feel like I might cry from joy and happiness.
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/25/10 10:29 AM. Reason: Spoiler
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FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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I agree with Mel, the WS who question wether they have wronged the BS and aren't sincere by being here are pretty much a waste of time untill they get real.
The BSs have had thier heart torn out and need support as the real victims. although the plan is to recover the marriage, the BS needs the support as the only half that has not fallen into the lies that destroy the marriage, or themselves.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Woa... I missed it this weekend. Great stuff! Exceptional wisdom and unbeweaveable fogginess. My rant for the day: Coworkers who consistently fail to show up to work on Mondays. My coworker called in again today, leaving me to cover for 8 attorneys. Oops, back to work.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I MUST vent! (and hopefully this won't stir up as much drama as my last vent)....
7 years of school
2 - count them 2!!! degrees
Thousands of dollars of student debt....
And I'm stuck designing an outdoor fireplace for someone who isn't even going to pay us....a FIREPLACE!!!!
Seriously a day and a half wasted on this....
Drew it once and they came back with 'changes' and want a couple different alternatives....
All the while the work for 3 other projects I'm on piles up.... I'm MBing this morning in protest.... ughhh....
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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See, when i arrived here 9 years ago, the 2x4s went exclusively to the BETRAYED SPOUSES - the wayward fogbabblers had the run of the joint. The lunatics were running the asylum. My oh my how things have changed. smh Lunatics, huh?
Last edited by fullmoon16; 07/26/10 12:06 PM.
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Sugarcane, I had to chuckle, cuz you were right. I did question your questioning of the post. I did, what I was ranting about!   ( and it could go on and on, back and forth, back and forth  ) I was hoping you would pick up on that! Yup, well there is no pride in being self-righteous. I'm amazed at what I pick up on sometimes! okay another rant ....... I hate the phone somedays. Is it the season, what the heck??? You can call the Marketing Association to have your name put on the 'do not call/do not mail' list, I've done this 3 times! I still get calls, I got one the other day and immediately emailed the organization (a government run one btw). They write me back advising me to notify the Marketing Association and have my name put on the do not call list. Did I mention that I've done this THREE times! I don't think there is such a list, I think it's a scam to make us think that we have control over telemarketers ........ 
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Why don't you notify the Marketing Association and have your name put on the "do not call" list? That'll fix it!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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