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Looking back, there were clues, red-flags. Even if I didn't know she would have an affair, I was pretty stupid for marrying someone who never lived away from home and never had to take care of herself.
I was almost 31, so it wasn't like I could use the young and naive excuse. I'd been largely self-sufficient years before I turned 18, and was mostly on my own when I graduated high school weeks before I turned 18, so I had years of "doing it my way" and expecting others 18 and older to be able to take care of themselves.
Sometimes, folks who are in their 20's still can't do that. But I thought I was in love. Love doesn't ignore then betray their spouse. I may make other mistakes, but I won't make that one again.
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Well, if we're counting mistakes here, I'm going to have a receipt a mile long. But I have learned something from every one of them. Didn't stop me from making new mistakes later. I'm 39. I hope I'm starting to "get it" now. At least, I certainly think things through a lot more before I decide whether or not to do something. I've learned that at least, though a bit belatedly I'm afraid.
I'm sure my son will learn some valuable life lessons from this. But it's still hard to watch.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Hi writer. I was wondering if it's possible for you to buy an egg crate-type mattress. You could ask your son about how wide and long his mattress is and cut it to the general dimensions. Then take it there when you visit. Do you think this might be allowed in? I think you might be able to find one for a twin bed for cheap. Just an idea.
Sooly
"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
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Solee: I wish it were possible, but they are not allowed any personal possessions at all. He can't even have his own underwear. When we go visit him, we even have to leave all of our own personal possessions in a locker. We can't even bring in our driver's licenses. It's all very militant.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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 I hope this goes fast...
Sooly
"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
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Me too.
If anyone has one of those universal remote controls from the movie "Click" that I could borrow, I would be very grateful.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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..and his acne is acting up again, since he has to bathe with hand soap. Not sure what to do about that. He had quite a problem with it at one time and then started using the Oxy face wash, and it was getting much better..... Who are these people? Can you bring him soap? Try pears soap if you can. These people are covering thier behind and they don't make life easy, even if you aren't a troublemaker your an inmate, and NOW your guilty. Ask someone who works as a guard, or a policeman. Respect is job one, if you have to intimidate they tend to err on the side of that rather than feel sorry for people who got themselves into trouble, whether they are really guilty or not. Your in thier house now.
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CP, I think the only thing I could bring him would be some sort of prescription stuff from a doctor, but his acne wasn't severe enough to see a dermatologist (my oldest son had to do that at one time). DS 18 just uses over-the-counter stuff, and we definitely can't bring him any of that. If it gets too bad, he can see a doctor in juvenile hall and maybe they could prescribe him something. I know they have access to medical care while they're there.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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..Four months in a children's home may just be the thing that convinces him to be more careful in the future. Which would you rather have, him spending 120 days now, or choosing poorly in the future and ending up married to a crazy woman and miserable for life?
He made decisions, they are not working out well. He'll learn, grow and get better, or he'll get bitter. Let him take his medicine, even if you don't think it's fair, and encourage him to learn from this.
No one forced him to have sex with that crazy girl. So this is a natural consequence of teens having sex. Yes I know he was a teen as well. He choose poorly, it's just that simple.
Sorry he had to end up in a home for 120 days. I hope he learns to choose better next time. I can relate to the crazy woman thing, the poor little waif-like thing, you tarzan me jane idealogy of youth and the romeo and juliet sexual relationship. All the crap from high school and the drama he fell into. I say fell into because it is possible he felt allright at first and thought he had a handle, but now he has found out he didn't. The consequences were stiff, and the legal system is not perfect, nor is it the policeman, the jailor or his guards job to make judgements on what is true or what he has done. He is lucky he is out of this now instead of staying with her and being slowly drained if she continued to be a project. She could have become pregoed and His responsibility instincts could have had him taking care of her or marrying her. These 120 days are better than what could have happened if she was just "A little more normal".
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I'm assuming you didn't know your ex-wife would have an affair. My son probably didn't know his ex-girlfriends was nuts either. It's kind of difficult to predict the future. Obviously, at the time they were dating, my son cared about this girl and thought she was a good person. He's even said so. So goes the saying "love is blind"
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....
Does it happen to everyone? No. Is it fair that it happened to your son? No. Will it be fair if he gets the crap beat out of him in juvenile hall? No. Which is why he is smart to keep his mouth shut about what he is in for.
Sometimes you can't tell whether the unexpected is good or bad. You get stuck behind every red light on your way to work. Lost time? Or fate saving you from being in the final intersection when the drunk driver runs through. Maybe your son would be safer in solitary with everyone knowing he pled to being a rapist. Or maybe he is safer in the regular unit with no one knowing his actual crime. If the regular unit is mostly kids in for 30 days or less for writing graffiti, that may be the safest place in the building. Maybe the secure unit has all the kids convicted or robbery and battery and they figured your kid would be raw meat for those animals. You can't know. Don't assume the worst. Maybe the intake clerk knows that one of the security unit guards had a daughter who was raped recently and wanted to keep your son away from that guard. In this kind of open ended situation where it is easy to fall into a sinkhole, you can drive yourself nuts imagining all the possible negative outcomes.
I know this is not easy. I know that you want to do what is best for your son. It just isn't easy to know what is best. So don't drive yourself nuts thinking that you need to take action. Hard advice to take. Especially coming from me, the worst advice taker on MB. This is real good advice Writer, he is in there hands now. The gaurds hear every day that it isn't fair and they have to ignore it. Everybody is innocent and it wasn't thier fault. They cannot even start to make exceptions. It will create chaos. They were too young, they were framed, it was Mom and Dads fault, he/she made me mad, I didn't mean it. All this doesn't matter now, all he has to do is good time, keep a low profile and his mouth shut, and his ears open. Do you have a connection with someone who does prison ministry? Somebody who can help him cope and maybe even get a story for why he is in. Many carreer type criminals prey on the perceived weak, and sexual crimes are an open door because of the nature of them. Like the rest of the guards his story and the truth wont matter if they target him and he gets tagged. Don't want to worry you but get some advice from someone who has experience. Like a youth pastor who does this kind of work or something.
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You allowed him to "date" an underaged girl for a year and a half? I was going to say his judgment is not formed yet since when people are that young they cannot recognize crazy.
But then I realized you letting him date her at that young age shows that your judgement is a little off being his mother an not stopping that.
What did you think would happen at that young age being allowed to date?
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Bubbles, my son was underaged too. What would you have me do, make him date only women over the age of 18 while he was in high school? Geez.
None of my kids were allowed to date until 16, and I did encourage them to date lots of different people, but I certainly couldn't force him to date around.
For someone who's never been a parent, you certainly have a lot of parenting advice. I have to wonder where this "expertise" comes from.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Hi writer. I finally got internet here in our new place and wanted to check in. I am sorry things are so tough, and I truly hope your DS doesn't get transferred. I know he must be miserable in there.
How are your other kids? Has your DD started back to school? How are you and your DH doing? Are you able to write any, even if it is just gibberish - ha ha.
Texas, huh? Well, they do have lots of teachers there. They were even hiring in MY field, which is rare these days.
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Hi Luri. How did the move go? Hope you like the new place. I've never been anywhere in the South before.
DD is still in Alaska. She comes home end of September and goes back to school a few days later. DS 16 starts back to school next week. I have no idea why our school district goes back in August. I'm not looking forward to having to start getting up early again.
I've only been to Texas once, but it seemed like a nice enough place. We have friends in Austin, and they like it there. Any change of scenery sounds good to me right now. I hope things turn around in the field of education. It can't stay like this forever, right?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Writer, having had experience with the juvie system, both as a professional, and a parent, what is more likely to happen is that other kids will ask him what he's in for and he should tell them the truth. I had sex with my girlfriend, we broke up, she got mad and called it rape. Most of those kids would probably understand and probably empathize with him. There may even be other kids in there for the same thing!
Also, please stop pushing on the move thing. You really will draw attention to your son and that isn't what you want. You might be right but in the long run, it won't be worth it to your son.
I know you're upset but your son needs to find his own way now. You can support him with visits, letters and calls. Four months will be over before you know it. I know it's hard seeing him behind bars but there is not a dang thing you can do about it now.
I love the idea about finding out who the prison chaplain is and getting in touch with that person. He would have more (and better) influence than you on your son's behalf since he/she will have an establish repoire with the staff.
Start focusing your energies on planning a move. I forget who suggested the things you could be doing now (Hope?) but I thought that was really good advice. Get busy young lady!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I can't really control what my son tells anyone. When he was first arrested four months ago and placed in juvenile hall, it was the guards who told him to lie about his charges so that there wouldn't be any trouble with the other kids. This time, the guards don't even seem to know what it is he's in for. I'm not sure how that's possible, but whatever. I just want him to be safe and get out of there as soon as possible.
I don't know if he's the official prison chaplain, but there is someone who comes in and does some sort of religious services on Tuesday evenings. My son was missing this at our last visit. I'm not sure how I would find out who the chaplain is. I suppose I could call and ask.
We are very much focusing our efforts on getting the heck out of dodge ASAP.
I was driving to the store today and a Journey song came on the radio, and I started thinking about how great it was when my kids were younger and we were all together as a family most of the time and I always knew where they were and what they were doing. Nostalgia is a b@#!ch. I miss those days.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I'm just hoping this doesn't haunt him for the rest of his life. Legally, it will be a concern, that this might pop up somehow and keep him from getting jobs. Gosh I wish Y'all had not taken the plea.  I hope this all goes away upon his release, but my own experience makes me worry that it wont.  Whats your plan on relocating? Texas is a nice state, but if i Had my choice I'd move to a remote town in either the Carolinas, Georgia, or Alabama. But I am tired of living near a large metropolitan area.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Writer
I really really wished you believe in what you believe in.
Then you would trust that all things work for good - even when we can't see it. Romans 8: 28.
The 23rd Psalm would have comfort and significant meaning for you and your son.
You could strengthen him through your faith.
Please talk with your bishop and find some healing.
"The Worth of Every Soul" by Gerald Curtis is a worthwhile book for you to read. And when he gets out, your son could read it and find a pathway back to peace.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Gack, we took the plea because going to trial and risking having my son thrown in prison and becoming a registered sex offender was too much of a gamble. This MAY come back to haunt him, but that would have ruined his life for good, guaranteed. I would love to live in a very small town and have a lot of property and maybe some horses. It's always been a dream of mine. Maybe someday.
Kayla, I don't really know what I believe right now, but I do know I can't force it. I've tried that in the past and it didn't work. The truth is, I joined the church for purely social reasons without really thinking about what I was doing. I had a lot of unanswered questions, but I pushed them aside because I had a lot of friends that were members and at that time in my life, I felt a really strong need to belong to something. But those questions kept coming back up. It got worse as I got older, because the social stuff wasn't as important to me then. I still have questions. And there don't seem to be any satisfactory answers, no matter how hard I look. There are just some things about the church that don't make sense to me, and I can't pretend like they don't bother me.
I'm doing the best I can. But in the end, I have to be true to myself and do what I feel is right.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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