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I am so sorry sober, just let her sleep where ever she feels she wants to sleep, if she wants the divorce let HER do it. Have you thought about going to plan B when she moves out?

If so then I suggest you start writing your plan B letter, there are a couple of samples here on this site.

Good luck!

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She came and found me at work today and was crying while asking if I am willing to see a counselor. Of course I am! She says she cares about ne and just doesn't trust me or think I am listening to her. She says I take her words and twist them around to manipulate her.
I'm trying to locate the sample plan b letters now.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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There a couple of good plan B letters on this site, let me know if you found one, or if you need help. laugh

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Can't seem to locate sample plan b letters. Are they here in the forums. The search results are long lists of posts, can't seem to sift through them to find examples.
I got home from work tonight and she had dinner ready(first time since I've been home, home 3 weeks now). After dinner she said she wanted to go to &we girlfriends place. I said a family bikeride would be fun. She had already taken them on a bikeride today. She either wanted to go to her friends or talk with me. I said I would.play with the kids and put them to bed, she could go visit her friend. She came home and went to go sleep in the den again. She was going to move to the other house this weekend but hasn't talked with me anymore about it. She agreed to attend church in the morning. Thank you all for your help and for reading my words.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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Here is a sample one I got off from newpetals thread.

Dearest WW,

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another man's attentions.

I have learned from my mistakes, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with OM once and for all, and commit to having him out of our lives completely.

Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with him and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with OM and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Love,

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/22/10 09:57 AM.
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Holy moly, this is wonderful! Thank you so much. I will use this immediately.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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NP! Let me know how it all works out for you? laugh good luck!

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Moving out is, according to Dr. Harley, standard operating procedure for every wayward. Remember always -- to yourself -- that the purpose of separation, from the wayward's perspective, is about SPENDING MORE TIME WITH THE LOVER WITHOUT GUILT.

That's it. "Freedom", "space", "sort things out"... these are codewords for "Be with my lover without thinking about how much I'm hurting you."

She's addicted right now. She claims to want to separate from the lover, but every time she gets her "fix", she wants to be with him more than you. That's why there's a roller-coaster. The longer the intervals between contact between the lovers, the more things settle down before they get crazy again.

Going bat-$%!% crazy on you for exposing the affair is par for the course. Every wayward claims that what you did makes them hate you, and usually they claim to want a divorce.

THERE IS NOTHING UNIQUE ABOUT YOUR WAYWARD WIFE'S BEHAVIOR. SHE IS FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT TO THE LETTER.

Once the lover is forced to meet ALL of your wayward wife's emotional needs -- because if you have a good Plan B, you're not meeting any of them, especially financial support! -- the affair usually falls apart within two years. Some few "affairages" survive, like my mother's, but they are the exception and not the rule.


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Originally Posted by SoberOptimist
Holy moly, this is wonderful! Thank you so much. I will use this immediately.
Just make sure you are completely ready for Plan B. Once you give the letter, you need to stay DARK.

Do you have an IM? Does the IM know what to do? (We have a thread here to help them)

Do you have an air-tight plan to prevent contact??

Waywards HATE Plan B, love drama and will try very hard to break through...prolonging the end of the A...

Last edited by SusieQ; 08/22/10 07:59 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
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How to Plan B Correctly
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I do not have am IM as of yet. I am trying to read up on that to find out who may be a good fit. My ww scheduled a counselling session for tomorrow morning. I really was hoping to be the one to schedule it with a pro marriage type therapist. She says she told them she no longer wants to be married, I do, I am a newly recovering alcoholic and she has had an affair and we just need someone to guide us through a civil conversation. I really want to believe that. I also need some guidance on how to talk during the session.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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Originally Posted by SoberOptimist
I do not have am IM as of yet. I am trying to read up on that to find out who may be a good fit. My ww scheduled a counselling session for tomorrow morning. I really was hoping to be the one to schedule it with a pro marriage type therapist. She says she told them she no longer wants to be married, I do, I am a newly recovering alcoholic and she has had an affair and we just need someone to guide us through a civil conversation. I really want to believe that. I also need some guidance on how to talk during the session.

What is preventing you from calling ahead and finding out if this is a pro-marriage counselor? Then if you find out or they won't commit to telling you what you need to hear, then what is stopping you from just flat out refusing to go? There is no law that says you MUST go just because your WW says so.

In the meantime, get your Plan B in order (while still behaving in a Plan A way).

I forgot have you found out exactly who the OM is yet or if he is married/separated? Don't trust your WW to give you accurate information about that. Waywards LIE, LIE, LIE. Once you get that information you need to finish up your exposure by contacting people on OM's side of the fence (wife, job, family, etc.) Is OM on Facebook? There's a great template around here for exposing on Facebook. Start by getting a list of his "friends". Store that information somewhere because you'll use it later to expose and you don't want to lose it if OM blocks you once you start exposing.

Don't give in to your WW's demands. She is NOT your wife. Picture her as an alien right now. That's what she is.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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From what I've found OM is single, never married, no kids. She met him at a bar. I can't seem to find out about his family or workplace. He is on Facebook and I will get all of his contacts stored ASAP. As far as exposure- my family, friends, ww's family and friends all know because of my telling them. Ww claims her coworkers know. She told me to stop calling them because I'm harassing them (ive made one phone call to one coworkers, 2 weeks ago now).
I really needed to hear the part about ww being an alien. She is, I just miss my wife. I guess I'll be missing her for a while.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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SO

First time posting to you - read the thread quickly - am I missing something? Why is there talk of Plan B this soon in the game? Better read up on it in the website - this is a marathon and not a sprint. There are no magic bullets. Going to Plan B without prep and too soon is the first step towards divorce.

Quote
She came and found me at work today and was crying while asking if I am willing to see a counselor. Of course I am! She says she cares about ne and just doesn't trust me or think I am listening to her. She says I take her words and twist them around to manipulate her.
I'm trying to locate the sample plan b letters now.

Keep the Plan A going as long as possible meeting her needs without expecting any in return. For up to six months if possible. She will be engorging on the needs being met from all sides, so when you go dark - absolute darkness - even during children exchanges there cannot be any contact. The shock of her needs not being by you will send a msg. Here's the deal - Plan B can take as long as 2 yrs. Most affairs dont last much longer than that.

If she is moving out on her own and leaving primary custody to you - you are in better shape - Do not move to Plan B until at least 2 wks after the move. Why ? Well the excitement and newness of having her freedom, her own place and new boyfriend visiting will make the contrast of Plan A to Plan B moot. Its better to wait after the newness wears off to pull the trigger. Sitting in a house without family and with the family dark = will put more contrast.

Just before Plan B - your Plan A will have to be the best. A weekend trip with kids or a date night with a full courtship press and then the next day - Plan B letter. You have to put some frosty on your cake before stepping away from the table of your cake eating princess. Make sense?

Now lets see - it looks like your exposure may have done some work and you are getting some positive response - why dont you play this up a bit and use the stick and carrot for as long as possible. Once you go Plan B - its a one way ticket with the outcome not so certain.

Want to mention that in some (perhaps more) cases with BH/WW scenario, you are playing with a wife that checked out way before the PA. WW are usually move to sex after the emotional attachment whereas WH in general work the other way. This is what makes the BH/WW situation difficult - as far as she is concerned there is no marriage and so on DDay - you are already behind the 8 ball. Read up on the Walk Away Wife Syndrome on the website to fully understand your challenge.

Best advice is to make sure you are the best parent and father possible to your kids = this will be a majour upheaval and stress in the coming weeks or months.

Give up more information on the current situation at home so the vets here can best advise you. Each interaction with her is an opportunity. Does she still continue to go see the OM on her free time? What is her family attitude to this ordeal?

If in doubt or your confidence in your plan is low - give Harley's a shout for some coaching - counseling is waste in some cases bc they deal from the perspective of feelings of today and not on behaviors that brought you both in there the first place. Harley's approach is more coaching and giving you tips to talk to her and to break down her wall. Your wife is checked out and has built a wall to keep you from her meeting ENs.

Remember and you seem to know it - it took both of you to get at this point in your marriage but she owns the affair.

One the problems that occurred in the marriage is a lack of undivided attention and recreational companionship with work hours not meshing. What are you doing to correct that dynamic?

Quietly find out what needs the OM is meeting. Conversation, affection and perhaps admiration - these needs will get in a women's heart quickly and move the affair to a sexual state. Even if SF is low on her EN list - its basically a reward to her affair partner for being there when you were not. This is the competition and its a tough road.

Good luck and study up with all the free information provided on this website. Fantastic resource/

Last edited by rwinger; 08/24/10 10:20 PM.

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The talk of Plan B has come up because we own two homes, one was a rental property for the last five years(this was our first home), the other is our current residence which has been on the market since April. Our plan for the past couple of years has been to sell this place and move back to the first house. My WW keeps talking about moving into that home with the kids and I stay here, I keep telling her that is not an option. I want our family to move to that house and WW says one of us should each have a house. I think I should rent that place out again, we can't afford both payments and all the upkeep on two homes! I am so flustered about this.

I do not believe she is meeting up with OM, who knows she might be gaslighting me. She probably talks with him though. She knows I check the cell phone records and now uses other phones to keep in touch. She also knows I check the computer. She did ask for my assistance in removing him from her contacts in email and facebook. I was unable to figure that out though, and she didn't like my perusing her other emails.

As far as her family, they are disgusted with her behavior. They all have said she has not been herself. She has been acting like a robot, no emotions, not normal behavior. Her sisters, aunt, and mother also say when they asked her about anyone else she lied right to their faces. Now they know the truth and are disgusted.

I am still lacking in giving her undivided attention and having any recreational activities with her. Our work schedules conflict and she can't stand to be near me, she won't even let me hug her or anything.

I am exhausted and just couldn't sleep so I wanted to reply to you rwinger. I need to read up on the walk away wife syndrome and then head to bed. Peace


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
Is there a way to speak with someone who has gone through this by phone? Someone Local?
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DO

NOT

LIVE

SEPARATE


When she say's this, this means she wants to cheat on your with out the pain she is causing you!! Let her feel the guilt, she is only gas lighting you! You need to let her know that you need to check ALL her emails! I don't know how to to block someone off email (my husband did that for me) but I do know how to block them off FB. Just go to his profile and there is a button where you can "block this user"

Anyway, just remember don't move out!

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He doesn't need to tell her that he is checking all her emails. He is in Plan A which involves snooping and not revealing the fact that he's snooping.

I agree with the advice not to move out though. It's hard to Plan A when you're separated.


Last edited by princessmeggy; 08/26/10 09:20 AM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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We just had a long talk tonight. It sucks because she wants to separate. I refuse to move, she doesn't want to be away from the kids. I tell her she is a great mom and I don't want her away from the kids either. I reminded her that her parents have offered her a room and she says if I move there then the kids are coming with me and going to school out there. It's hard to talk about the kids because I want sole custody but don't want to threaten her.

I tell her that we need to rent out the other property ASAP and one of us can live in the basement here. She says it is too hard to be around me and she doesn't want to be mean to me in front of the kids. I tell her that's the best option I can think of without her moving out separately on her own.

We are going to talk more tomorrow night.

I do check all her email, facebook and phone records. I will remove OM from her accounts tomorrow night when she comes home from work.


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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So I am moving to our other home. She wants to but our babysitters are here, our daughters school is here, and this house payment is cheaper. I feel like a fool for moving out again when I am not the one seeking happiness, space, freedom or whatever. We are not getting along well at all living in the same house. I don't know what else to do.

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Update: My wife moved out. I didn't! I ordered Surviving an Affair and we both read it. She said that she wasn't ready/willing to work on our marriage. She kept pressuring me to move out and I kept up with plan A. She insisted that we need a separation and got an apartment down the road. She moved yesterday. When I brought over some items and checked the place out she greeted me at the entrance crying and actually hugged me(her first display of physical touch since, well I don't know when.) She said she isn't going to be seeing OM and is excited about us and our relationship. What the hell does that mean. I am not putting too much stock in her words or enthusiasm. How can I? She has been so up & down and back & forth lately. She said that she is looking forward to dating me (and only me) she also apologized for adding financial and separation burdens to our relationship.
Do I need to fully enact Plan B?


Me: 32 (BS) Wife: 32(WW)
D-Day 7/23/2010
Married 09/2002 2 kids Daughter 6 & Son 4
Separated trying to do plan B but childcare issues arise 6 days a week
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GO DARK!! PLAN B

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