You are falling into a pattern of Giving because you are afraid Negotiating will not work out. So you give and give until your Taker comes to your defense.

You have to STOP.


This is a GOOD list. You gonna give it to your husband? What are you going to do if he says he doesn't want to do something on this list?

Really there isn't anything on here that is negotiable. All this is ESSENTIAL for a recovered marriage.



Extraordinary Precaution. A list of behaviors your husband creates to ensure that another affair wont occur.


Luckily Marriage Builders can be done without coaching. Coaching is helpful but if you're motivated the forum, the books and the workbook can give you all you need. But you have to be motivated.


This is VERY disturbing. Your husband is VERY unsafe for you. He is another affair waiting to happen. There are MULTIPLE steps to overcoming an affair. The last is the the one that lasts a lifetime:

Building a loving, happy marriage.

That is the step that ensures another affair NEVER happens. Living the MB lifestyle makes it IMPOSSIBLE for your husband to have another affair. The fact that he doesn't want to do MB is very telling. Subconsciously he doesn't want to close the door on 'something better' coming along.

This is the step you must ABSOLUTELY require. THIS is a hill to die on.

A marriage without passion and love is an empty shell.

If you can't get your husband to agree to MB, you need to consider Plan B. If he wont protect you - you need to protect yourself, and that might mean a life without him.

Coasting along on mediocrity is not enough. It shouldn't be enough for anyone. It is no where NEAR enough for someone who has had an affair.

Your husband is a Renter at best. He has no desire to actually WORK to achieve a great marriage. He will manipulate and make you feel guilty, make you feel that your requirements are too demanding, or unreasonable. They aren't - they are what a marriage requires. If he can't meet them, he shouldn't be married.



Do you HAVE to go to this wedding? Do you have to stay in a hotel? Is there a bed n breakfast you can stay at? Friend's couch you can crash at? Could you do the trip in one day?

Are there other options?

Really BH - you need to give your husband your list, tell him this is what you NEED for a good marriage. Don't settle for less. Set your bar high. YOU set the bar for recovery, if you set it too low, you won't get the marriage you want, that's assured. You set it high - he might not be able to live up to the expectations, but he just might... and then, you get the best marriage you could dream of.

This list is the foundation of your plan. Lay your cards on the table. If he rejects or tries to argue or negotiate them, you know he has no interest in making you safe, caring for, or loving you. You should be with a man who does.

Do you have a support network? Do you have a plan in case you have to continue your life without him?

Hi Vibressa, thanks again for taking the time to help, im not sure what is it about me that makes the other MBers look but refrain from commenting or helping so appreciate your input and patience very much.

The taker coming out is a major spot on comment and as I become more aware of my behaviour I do amend it so I went from ranting once a week to now maybe every few months wich for me is an improvement. I am just so frustrated I just want WS to HEAR me and what I am saying not what his brain is processing I must mean before i even say a word. Regardless of the reasons I WILL STOP as i dont like who i am when i do that and there isnt much left now for me to dislike about myself but thats what you get when you have someone who is quick to criticise you and struggles to give you well deserved praise.


FP wise he did a good boundries list with the help of Steve however broke several since including adding female colleagues on FB (one lookes just like PSOW) without telling me or even taking my feelings into consideration. Yeah he did remove them later but damage to the boundries and my beleif in him keeping to the oundries was shot.

Everything you said regarding living the MB life is exactly what i beleive, a good MB marriage is the only certain way that an A wont happen again. And its what I really really want.

as far as family support I literally have NONE dad in italy denies im his daughter (despite DNA test being 98% positive that he is my father), Mother who is distructive (im an affair child) and is unsafe for me to be around her. Last relative who loved me or even cares about me was my grandmother who passed in 2006 so no family support.
Friends wise one good friend who lives in a town an hour away, I love her to bits and she is my voice of reason as she seems to be the only one who sees WH for what he is everyone else is fooled by his timid character etc.


I am being jolted to the core by the posts on his thread right now. I dont know what to do part of me wants to scream you are all right he is a monster, but then the other part still remembers the man i married is in there somewhere just need to coax him out. This is really tough right now he is not listening and still making excuses. he never says its my fault but makes me feel it is. however hard life is now wih him it will be twice as hard without him.

Im off Vibressa is right he is an Adult needs to sort it out himself.

The husband you married has changed and is now the man you are facing. Just as you have changed over time.

It's not your job to COAX anything out of him. It's his job to be a good husband. Focus on your job...to be a good wife.

Honestly, the physical and mental abuse needs to be addressed before you can fix the marriage, and that work requires your WH taking the initiative. Absent that, I don't believe much will change.

Did you ever get the Boundaries book BH28? You can not take responsibility for his actions or change him.

You can not hold him responsible for the way you are either...

Silentlucidity

How do i become a good wife? I am broken in every way, confidence zero, mothering skills dwindelling fast, cooking not happening as no energy, housework little as no energy (have a friend who is an aupair who is helping housework wise for now).
What is a good wife all my family said at the time of the A was put up and shut up you have 4 kids. It took a while but i did as they suggested now im even more depressed than before..
what can I do to be a good wife?
I know i need to work on myself and im not good enough right now but no one will help me. Everyone is used to me being strong independant and just faisty now im none of those things they dont see it.

Ps didnt get the boundries book didnt know there is one have saa and hnhn for parents

I mailed you.

It isn't an MB book
Boundaries

who is the book by? ill check email thanks.
Stay I am emotional and depressed however i am not stupid should i see any signs of danger i am out of here with the kids.
One of my babies has heart issues so I am extra careful about stress around him. Please know I am safe and not foggy to the extent of not spotting trouble. the first attack caught me unaware now im vigilant.

click the link - to amazon

Gosh, BH28, you put yourself down a lot. Broken in every way? Really? I doubt that. If your brain still works, which is seems to be, then you can fix your behaviors.

Honestly, your WH has to work on his abusive behaviors before you guys can come together in a meaningful way. I am concerned for your safety, first and foremost.

Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend. Really important that you begin to allow others to be responsible for themselves nad you take responsibility for ONLY what is yours. The lines are muted in your marriage.

BH28:

There are many ways to become a "good wife"

One way in not to have someone who claims to be a husband beating you down, either physically or emotionally.

One way is to have a clear direction of how your own behaviors affect others. This means if your are committing LB's and DJ, and giving your H the "silent treatment" for many days, then you need to address these.

You may have thought that you were being the "good wife" when you were able to get Y-E to start posting again on MB.

You may have thought that you were being the "good wife" when you defended him on his thread.

You were being the good wife, but you were removing the responsibility from HIM to do what HE needs to be doing.

LG

Silent, I do put myself down but its just the way I am, have always been thin, fat, top of the class or bottom its just the way im wired. I take chriticism to heart and bounch compliments off went to therapy for 3 years to get over this got told that my way of thinking is due to parental abandonment (ie if my own parents didnt love me how can anyone else). anyway pity party over back to the now issues.

I have read a little bit about codependancy and its scared me as i seem to have it, I love helping others and thats the way i get a rush out of life. Marriage wise i feel i am to blame in someway for WS attitude as i defended, mollicoddled and protected him from he aftermaths of the A. I loved him too much to see him suffer and naively thought he would repay the favour when he was back on his feet.
Safety wise please understand the attack was 2 months ago and nothing has even got close to that again. So right now i do feel safe. I know EVERYONE is right to say walk away and plan B until he gets help and i want to but i just cant. Is there any other way??

Did you read my email? I have a sort of friend that has a codependancy prob - I keep saying I am going to give her my boundaries book. It will seriously help.

Since coming to MB, I have stopped helping others out so much and have looked more at my M. My H was feeling neglected because I was running around after others.

J didn't move out til a month after his last violence, when things had settled right down and he wasn't an immediate risk. It happens in cycles.... break the cycle this time. It will be a lot easier for you both to do it now while things aren't so bad than in the heat of a bust up when you are both totally panicked at losing each other.

If he will respect you and your family by moving out and working on him you have a chance.

He will not take recovery seriously until he experiences some REAL consequences from it.

He just wont.

You cannot stay with a man who wont recover. You staying around rewards him for not recovering. You staying around allows him to continue to emotionally abuse you and further destroy your feelings of self-worth.

If he were serious about recovery that's one thing. He isn't. He can't even apologize. He can't take responsibility for himself.

You CANNOT do this for him.


Staying allows you to continue to 'defend, mollicoddle and protect' him. As I said before: STOP IT.

He is dangerous to you mentally and emotionally as an unrepentant adulterer.

Ok, so you know that you have this issue. Next step is finding out how to change your behavior. THIS is how you become a good partner in ANYTHING.

What you describe is controlling behavior. You believe that YOU MAKE YOUR WH act the way he does, and that is a farce. Unless you are siamese twins, he is solely responsible for ALLOWING you to coddle and shirking HIS responsibility to make ammends to you after his A. HE is responsible for HIS behavior .

You really need to read Boundaries. I am not sure that your coddling and prevention of WH suffering the consequences of his behavior is in any way loving him.

BH, where were your boys when your WH was attacking you physically? You are teaching them how to treat women.

You might try the "I am certain" exercise.

When I was first aware of my H's adultery , I started a journal.

I began to write stuff like:

"I don't think I want an unfaithful man for a husband"

I did not like what I wrote, so I changed it to :

"I don't want an unfaithful liar for a husband"

I still did not like it, so I changed it to:

"I will not accept an unfaithful liar for a husband"

And the final rewrite:

"I am certain I will not accept an unfaithful liar as my husband"

So, my "I am certain" list grew from my weak and pathetic "I don't think ....."

I recommend you try this.

Start a list, each sentence begins with "I am certain ...."

See what you come up with.
It is an exercise to point out your weaknesses to YOURSELF !

And, it can show you where you need to place YOUR boundaries.

Guys as I am honest here it goes Last time i kicked WS out HE HAD THE A.. can you understand how petrified I am of him leaving this house??
It was September 2008 I asked him to leave as he was once again treating me like dirt, gave him family pics and letter told him to spend time looking at them an evaluating what he really wanted and if it was us then to change his "excuses" and "slfishness" and "not taking responsibility for his actions" attitude especially as i caught him in the third EA on FB and unknown to me I was plan B ing him, we had no conact for 2 weeks and he sent his mum over to tell me he didnt love me anymore and Guess what else WH actually did hummm spent time with OW got close to her and thats the EA then PA started he didnt look at the family pics or care much about us when he was out of the house. can u guys see that i want to do everything you say but i am PETRIFIED. I dont want to be alone, i dont want to be divorced and I dont want to fail at anything else.

And the kids were in the next room during the assault another reason why i called police. its ugly but thats the truth im not going to get any help by covering things up