Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
R
RT74 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
RT - it may be a good idea for you to get a voice recorder and keep it on your person permanently until you get your wife out of your life. She's threated you once, she may actually DO it next time. You don't want to wind up in jail. Keep it in your shirt pocket and let her know you are recording her (laws on recording vary from state to state so you may want to look into the legality of this).


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Do NOT let her antagonise you into an altercation.

Of any sort. Trust me on this.

She was acting out the lie/story she was going to tell the police?

She is seeing a counselor to get therapy for all the "abuse" you are putting her through? AAnnd it is all made up?

and she has told every Tom, Bill and Harry for months who will listen (even in writing) about your alleged abuse??????

Dude, you are 80% along the road tword REAL charges....

No one threw a crazy switch, you just did not see the light before. No one wakes up one day to become a compulsive liar.

I am slightly worried about this situation.

Do not walk, RUN away from this woman. If she grows up/gets meds or "whatever" deal with her in the future, after you have safely divorced her and have seperated yourself from the risk of legal action from her. This relationship is a short trip to misery land. (not Disneyland)

Last edited by barbiecat; 09/23/10 11:57 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted By: RT74
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.


I was going to advise plan D but after reading this last tidbit, I would advise Plan D/FU and don't look back.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Youre in danger of getting false charges thrown at you. What state do you live in?

Google state recording laws two party states

That should lead you to where you need to go.

One party states let a conversation be recorded so long as at least one party knows the conversation is being recorded (you). Two party states let conversations be recorded if both parties know they are being recorded.

You can still record her in a two party state so long as you say that shes being recorded and you let it be obvious shes being recorded.

But Id carry it with you at all times, especially around her.

Recordings have saved many men on these forums from false charges. Dont lay a finger on her and dont raise your voice in any way.

If anything, ask her to leave and if she won't, go stay with a friend. You're seriously in that much danger from false charges.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
R
RT74 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
The strange thing is that her family is advocating all of this. They are saying she can get a divorce, and kick me out if she gets a restraining order for violence. She apparently wants to be able to have men over without me knowing about it.

Its very bizarre. She was very shy and quiet up until she started her new job, then she completely changed. I cant wrap my head around it. Her former friend just contacted me to tell me about a bunch of dirty pictures she was sending out to various men. She had never acted like this before (that I know of).

I do have a voice recorder, and I plan on keeping it on me at all times. Thats good advice, thanks.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Don't try and figure her out. She's not a puzzle. Just rid yourself of her. 6 months from now you'll be thanking us for our advice.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
By no means will I say that any of this is easy. I know you committed yourself to grow old with this woman, BUT staying with her is a sentence.

Im willing to bet anything that she has sexual abuse in her past. Her behavior is very indicative of unresolved issues dealing with sexual abuse.

I am not a psychologist, but I have yet to be wrong about this.

Do some research on the following:

Borderline personality disorder
Childhood sexual abuse and its long term impact.

Google those things and do your research and you may be surprised by what you discover.

Why did she suddenly become this way? You met her when she was a child. Shes just now seeing that there is a world out there she hasnt experienced and the fact that her family is supporting her behavior shows that they are either being lied to, have very loose moral standards, or dont know about what shes really doing.

You were more of a father figure to her and now she wants to live out some college co-ed fantasy she feels she missed out on.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
It might be worth your safety, sanity, and clean legal record to just break your lease and move out to an undisclosed location. Give her no notice or warning whatsoever; just take a day off and move your things out when she's at "work". Separate your finances and file for D at the same time if possible.

Is it possible she started doing drugs?


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: RT74
Trust me, I was furious.

When I first found out, she saw how mad I was, and threatened to file a false police complaint stating that I was hitting her or whatever, unless I stopped yelling. She even acted out what she would say right in front of me. She went out, and I called the police myself to explain the situation.

She told me this morning that she is in therapy from all of the "abuse" that she has been claiming I have thrust upon her. Like I said, the whole situation is very bizarre. Its like someone threw on a "crazy" switch or something.


You need to get a tape recorder and hide it in order to document this. She could press charges against you. It has happened before to other posters on this site.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
Another vote for Divorce.

You've got no kids. Collect as much evidence of her behavior as you can and hopefully you won't have to pay alimony.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Originally Posted By: RT74
The strange thing is that her family is advocating all of this. They are saying she can get a divorce, and kick me out if she gets a restraining order for violence. She apparently wants to be able to have men over without me knowing about it.

Its very bizarre. She was very shy and quiet up until she started her new job, then she completely changed. I cant wrap my head around it. Her former friend just contacted me to tell me about a bunch of dirty pictures she was sending out to various men. She had never acted like this before (that I know of).

I do have a voice recorder, and I plan on keeping it on me at all times. Thats good advice, thanks.


This whole situation does not add up... think

Last edited by barbiecat; 09/23/10 02:41 PM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I agree...

Start separating your finances.

Do you own the home? Are you renting?
Who's name is on the lease? can you get out of the lease?

If you are renting take your name off the lease and let them know that she will keep paying, then find somewhere else far away from her and file for a divorce.

Not sure what you wanted to hear, in other circumstances we could have helped, but she is too young, and too dangerous, and you do not need that right now.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
R
RT74 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 14
Leaving is something I think I knew I would have to do.

The problem is, its rough knowing that as soon as I leave, there will be another man (or men) her almost immediately. My wife offered me "anything" if I would "leave right now."

Its very odd, because when she is here, its like nothing has ever happened, judging by the way she acts. Although if I mention that we could try getting some help, she says that no one can make her love me, so there's no point...and that I acted so horribly and "cant ever change." Again, she claims that she never actually had sex with anyone, so she did nothing wrong. She says "we are waiting to have sex until Im divorced." Apparently her new boyfriend (or whatever he is) told her he "will not have sex with her now while she is married." Not sure if anything happened before he said that to her or not.

Its like watching someone else talk about a completely different relationship, and its completely bizarre to me. Lately Ive heard rumors about how she was before we got together, like she cheated on her boyfriend with some married man with whom she worked at the time.

All I can go on is what I have evidence of, and what she admits to me though. People can say pretty much anything.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted By: RT74
The problem is, its rough knowing that as soon as I leave, there will be another man (or men) her almost immediately. My wife offered me "anything" if I would "leave right now."


Good, then she's not your problem to worry about anymore. Let her screw up someone else's life.

My advice to you is document what you can of her behavior, pack up and leave without a trace, file for divorce, change your number and email, and go completely dark from her. Don't let her draw you back in. After about 6 months of separation from her, you'll be out of your own fog and be able to see her for what she truly is, a parasite, just like we all see her.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Like a moth to the light...I just keep on coming back...

RT74, You have some very wise people here advising you. I have rarely seen so much advice (in agreement) in a post so new.

There are serial cheaters out there.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I agree, who cares if another man is in her house, you will be filing for a divorce and she can live her little fantasy life style. The MAIN thing is that YOU don't have to worry about her anymore.

Go find someone who is older and cherishes life.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
RT,

Normally there are a few dissenters who encourage you to save the marriage and then there is a good back and forth between those that think you should bail and those that think you should try.

The fact that there is unanymous agreement here says a lot.

She's royally messed and you're lucky to have her out of your life once you do get her out. If anything, pity the man that ends up with her.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Get a bulldog lawyer and run from this woman as fast as you can.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
Fwiw, sorry this is happening.

Divorce won't kill you. Some people are simply incapable of being faithful or honor their vows yanno.

Since she's giving you what you want, take everything you want, and hold onto all of the info you have and file for divorce, and (unless you own a home together) separate the finances immediately, cut her off financially (hey she's got that dream job right? he he) and cut your losses.

Btw, where I live 35 is young and there are plenty of 30 something women who can handle relationships. I remarried almost 2 months ago to the most wonderful guy in the world.

Btw, don't have that vas done. You will find the right woman when you're healed from the pain of dealing with this banshee. In a year or two she will be nothin' but somebody from the past.

But do hire a lawyer who is mean. Have him deal with her. Unload all the evidence you have on her, and let him take over. Or her (could be a mean female lawyer too!). Just disengage, heal, and cut off ties immediately with this child.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (living_well), 21 guests, and 68 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5