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I've browsed the forums a bit to get a feel for some of the common questions and acronyms, but I may've missed some things, so I apologize if I'm repeating any questions that have been asked elsewhere.

About two months ago, my WW texted me some distressing messages at the tail end of a business trip. After talking on the phone, I found out that she got drunk and made out with and groped with a dude that she met in the industry last fall. Previously, they had been "just friends", but I had been wary since she told me he'd been flirting with her and beginning an EA. This was devastating news to me. She confessed immediately the PA that night and said that she felt terrible. She went out of the country for a couple of days after that and was out of telephone contact. In my distress, I approached our church pastor and discussed the issue with him. I didn't want to talk to anyone in our families or circle of friends for fear of hurting her image.

When she got home from the trip, she still felt terrible, but I assured her that I still loved her and would forgive her. She promised that she wouldn't speak with him anymore. She was angry that I spoke with the pastor without talking about it with her first and felt that I violated her trust.

Jump ahead a couple of weeks. She was on another trip. We had some sort of argument on the phone, and I broke down and cried. I told her that I wanted to be a good husband to her and was trying very hard. She felt sorry for me, but then she went out that night and escalated the PA. Again, she texted me early in the morning to say that I probably wasn't going to want to continue our M. I feared what was going to come next, but we waited until we were face-to-face the next day before talking about it. She confessed and said she hated herself over it and wanted to die. She said she didn't mean to fall in love with another man. Again, I forgave her, and we agreed on NC with the OM after she read MB. We blocked phone numbers and online messaging.

I figured things were recovering, and we actually continued our plans to move to the state where she mostly works so that I wouldn't be so far from her so often. A few days ago, she was working in an office and mentioned that she ran into OM. The following evening, she tells me that they'd been messaging each other all day. She tells me that they'd actually talked some in prior weeks too and that she still loves him. She had been hiding this from me because she didn't want to hurt me. It tore me apart and I broke down crying again. She tried to reassure me with ILYBINILWY, but then said she needed space for 24 hours. I asked her not to leave and tried to arrange some way that we could sleep in separate rooms. I feared that she was going to make a bad decision, but I relented when it became clear that she felt I was trying to force/control her.

She initiated the PA again that night. She returned the next morning and told me that she felt terrible and couldn't stay there. I was relieved to have her home, but she kept continuing with her lines of "I don't know why we're married", "I regret marrying you", and "I want a divorce". She told me that the OM told her she should divorce me and marry him. On an encouraging note, she sent a message to OM saying that she couldn't continue the A. I know that the whole situation is making both of us pretty miserable, but I still love her deeply and want to recover our M. I think she still has love for me inside of her...it's just buried down underneath all this muck.

She went to work today, and I started devouring MB material. I browsed the forums to find out more about exposure. I've been wanting to talk to people for months. In the past, when I have a problem, I tend to go to my support network for wisdom and encouragement. However, I haven't been "allowed" to do that with regard to what she considers private matters of our marriage. She has a strong sense of appearances. I kept encouraging her that we should seek counseling, but she kept saying she wasn't ready for it and that I was pushing her away by insisting.

Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.

When she got home tonight, we made a nice dinner together. I broached the topic of NC with the OM (she had talked to him briefly through some messages today). She said she wasn't even sure she was able to love me, so she couldn't take that step. I gave her a massage and asked if she wanted a happy and loving M. She replied, "In general or with you?" I responded, "In general, but I think the best chance of that is with me." She fell quickly asleep. I had planned to tell her about the exposure, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. I'm pretty sure she's going to get really angry, and I'm extremely worried she's going to leave me after such a huge "violation of trust". She said that if she were in my shoes as a BS, she probably would've left.

I'm not really worried about my anger. I've been frustrated and depressed over all of this, but anger and numbness are feelings that WW is more prone to than me.

Also, I'm not really sure whether to confront the OM.

There are a couple of other people that I'm considering with regard to exposure, but I'm getting mixed opinions about the wisdom of expanding it beyond the circle of people that love us both unconditionally.

Sorry for the ridiculous length to this. My three questions...

1) How should I handle telling her about the exposure? (I know to not apologize.)
2) Should I tell anyone else?
3) Should I confront the OM?


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.

Did you tell her mother and dad?

Is the OM married?

Do they work together?

What other people in your lives have any kind of influence over your wife?

Quote
I'm pretty sure she's going to get really angry, and I'm extremely worried she's going to leave me after such a huge "violation of trust". She said that if she were in my shoes as a BS, she probably would've left.

What was the "violation of trust" here? Did you also have an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.

Have all of these people agreed to speak to your wife and use their influence to persuade her to end her affair? When will they be contacting her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Did you tell her mother and dad?

Is the OM married?

Do they work together?

What other people in your lives have any kind of influence over your wife?

What was the "violation of trust" here? Did you also have an affair?
I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he'd send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'

The OM isn't married. As far as I know, he hasn't had a serious relationship in a while. One other thing that I just remembered...she keeps saying how she doesn't want to hurt him or me.

They've never technically worked together. They just happen to be in the same industry. I'd guess there are maybe 500-1000 people in that industry in this area.

I think I've potentially exhausted that list aside from close mutual friends of ours (that were originally her friends). She's always gotten along with not too many close friends.

I did not have an affair. I put "violation of trust" in quotations marks, because I think that's how she's going to view the exposure...that I went behind her back and ruined her reputation when we should've resolved the issue by ourselves. (But that clearly wasn't working, and I was going a little insane trapped inside my brain.)

That does bring up the point that I've had a problem with porn in the past though. I pretty much got rid of it after we started dating, but I did lapse back into that trap occasionally when she'd be gone for long trips (maybe 10-15 times over 2.5 years). That said, as I became aware of how much it was hurting her, I cut it out. I've been fortunate to have gone without it for almost three months now.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'

This would be a very effective exposure, so I would add him to the list. You want loved ones and friends calling her up asking "what the hell are you doing?" That is what a caring person would do.

Any other exposure targets should be told tomorrow. You don't want to dribble this out.

NOW, when will these people be calling your wife? Are they calling this weekend? It would be best if she found out about the exposure from her friends and family when they call her.

Quote
The OM isn't married.

Does he have a facebook page? If so, I would expose to his parents and other family via facebook messages. [we have some sample letters] Do you know if he has a facebook page?

Quote
I did not have an affair. I put "violation of trust" in quotations marks, because I think that's how she's going to view the exposure...that I went behind her back and ruined her reputation when we should've resolved the issue by ourselves. (But that clearly wasn't working, and I was going a little insane trapped inside my brain.)

That would be an irrational response so I wouldn't give it another thought. Of course you didn't ruin her rep or violate trust. If her rep is ruined it is because of her affair, that is not your fault. And there is nothing untrustworthy about exposing bad behavior. It is untrustworthy to have an affair, not untrustworthy to expose an affair.

My suggestion is to finish up the exposures tomorrow [especially her father and the OM's family] and hopefully these people will call her and have a chat. If they won't call her,[shame on them if they don't!!] then I would tell her you have exposed the affair.

And I do think you should have a face to face with loser boy and let him know hell is coming his way if he doesn't stay away from your wife. I suggest leaving your pistol in the car for this visit.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hm. See...I wasn't clear on that part of the exposure...whether they should call her. I guess that makes sense. I sort of wanted to make her aware that it had been done first. Is it better to just get them to call her?

I will work on the other exposure targets for her tomorrow. I can't remember his last name at the moment. He has a Facebook page. I'm pretty sure she blocked him on there last month though.

Also, she left her phone in the kitchen tonight when she went to sleep...I just heard it beep. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.

Edit: Found his page and attempted to message several of his family members.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
Hm. See...I wasn't clear on that part of the exposure...whether they should call her. I guess that makes sense. I sort of wanted to make her aware that it had been done first. Is it better to just get them to call her?

Yes! The point of exposure is to get people to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. It is always best for her to just start getting calls because this comes as a surprise.

Perhaps you can email them tonight and ask them to give her a call tomorrow and ask her to drop her affair.

Quote
. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.

Text that loser back and say "STOP CONTACTING ME!!!"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
Edit: Found his page and attempted to message several of his family members.

Here are some sample letters:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So apparently I accidentally messaged the family members with a form letter from her FB account. Oops. Oh well...I guess it's going to come out anyway.

I also sent messages to a lot of our close mutual friends.

The storm that's coming tomorrow is going to be ridiculous.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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What was the message you sent?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What was the message you sent?
Essentially that second sample one (with gender/names changed).


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 20
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This is really really hard. I'm trying to remain strong. She awoke this morning to chaos. The past couple of hours, she's screamed at me many times insisting that she's going to go file the divorce papers. Her phone has been blowing up and she's been bawling. She's talked to a couple of people, but she's also been screening a lot of calls. In a particularly frantic moment, she slapped me hard across the face and threw my cell phone in the toilet (losing that support network temporarily sucks).

She's pretty furious that I messaged the OM's 16-year-old cousin on FB. (I just was trying to message friends of his with his last name.)

She also thinks that this will destroy her image in the industry and that she won't get work anymore.

Last edited by CynicalRomantic; 10/02/10 08:35 AM.

Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
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Posts: 12,357
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Quote
I told her mother who she's very close to. To tell her dad would be a bit complicated. They have a relationship, but it's strained at times. I don't think he would do the best at approaching the situation in love. I was pretty sure if I told him that he'd send a text to her along the lines of 'What in the heck are you doing to your husband?'

This is exactly the response you want! Expose to him asap. You don't want people commiserating with you WW! You want them to verbally kick her butt!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Quote
Also, she left her phone in the kitchen tonight when she went to sleep...I just heard it beep. It's a text from the OM saying that he misses her. I'm so torn on whether I should reply/block/erase or some combination.

Why don't you text the ahole back and let him know of your 'displeasure' at his adulterous behavior toward your wife. And you sincere desire to make him physically uncomfortable for his actions, as in kicking his [censored]? And that would be letting him off easy! Some homewreckers get their asses shot off!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I told the FIL. I've probably exposed to about 25-30 people now.

I'm in unbelievable pain seeing her in such pain. I know she absolutely hates me at the moment, and I love her so dearly.

Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Why don't you text the ahole back and let him know of your 'displeasure' at his adulterous behavior toward your wife. And you sincere desire to make him physically uncomfortable for his actions, as in kicking his [censored]? And that would be letting him off easy! Some homewreckers get their asses shot off!
I texted back with a curt "Please leave my wife alone" before turning the phone off. Apparently he must've responded "Really? She came to me."


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
In a particularly frantic moment, she slapped me hard across the face

If this happens again, call the police and file a DV complaint. You can be sure that if you took a swing at her, you'd be hauled away in handcuffs.

Do not tolerate abuse, stay calm, and do not apologize for exposing.


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Married 16 years
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
I'm in unbelievable pain seeing her in such pain. I know she absolutely hates me at the moment, and I love her so dearly.

Cynic,
I know its tough, but stay strong. You did the right thing. Whenever you have doubts that exposure was the right thing to do, just remember where silence got you. Repeated false "recoveries" while she continued to screw the OM. And know that 99.9% of all Waywards say some form of "I was going to work on the marriage until you exposed. I can't trust you and Im filing for divorce right away." They are just angry that their dirty little secret is out. Stay strong and follow the advice you get here. You may still lose your marriage, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you fought for it and didn't just go quietly into the night.

And please buy yourself a digital recorder and record your conversations with her. She may try to file a false police report that you hit her just to get you thrown either in jail or out of the house. Protect yourself and definitely talk to the police if she slaps you again.

Best of luck.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I can take a slap. She's never done anything physically abusive before.

She says that I've handed a suicidal person a gun.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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CR, it sounds like things are going great! Don't let her dramatics get to you. You have just brought a crowd of onlookers into the crack house and the crackheads are furious because you have ruined their high!

Her anger will blow over so don't let it bother you. Don't argue, debate or LAUGH when she attacks you. When the addiction wears off she will be grateful for what you did.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm so very scared.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
Stage: Exposure Aftermath
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