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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I think thats great!! Will she meet with your parents? I would let her know that your parents are coming to see you because they are concerned about her affair.

This is a loaded PISTOL right here that could blow the affair wife open. I wouild tell your wife about this call and see if you can find out who the OM's GF is.

Tell your wife that "I hate to be the one to inform you, but OM's sister <?> called me and said he is dating another woman. Did you know about this?"

Can you ID the GF from his facebook page? That would be fabulous if you could contact her!
My mom definitely wants to meet with her, though my dad feels that my mom is quite unhappy with WW (understandably). I'm not entirely sure how helpful that would be. WW "loves" my family but has a lot more respect for her own family than mine.

I think that I might wait until tomorrow on telling her about the revelation since it's so late. It also could backfire a little (and hence look weak) if I suggest it as a juicy secret and she already knows or can explain it away somehow, so I think I need to word it carefully.

Unfortunately, the OM has privacy settings that don't allow me to find him on my account. I'm not sure if he's blocked me or what after my family-finding stunt. I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
[ I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.

A keylogger will be one of your best friends. She's going to be in contact with him via FB or email and you may as well see what's being said. That plus a VAR on your person (for your protection against bogus DV claims) and a VAR in her car to catch what is being said to OM or other affair supporters would be golden.

Forgot to ask, how long have you been married? Have either of you been married before? Do you have children together? How old are both of you?

Follow the previous advice about protecting your finances.

You're doing fine.


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Originally Posted by bitbucket
A keylogger will be one of your best friends. She's going to be in contact with him via FB or email and you may as well see what's being said. That plus a VAR on your person (for your protection against bogus DV claims) and a VAR in her car to catch what is being said to OM or other affair supporters would be golden.

Forgot to ask, how long have you been married? Have either of you been married before? Do you have children together? How old are both of you?

Follow the previous advice about protecting your finances.

You're doing fine.
Bogus DV claims would be extremely contrary to her personality and probably laughed at considering my temperament and character. I really don't think there are any affair supporters that I can think of.

I probably should update my signature to include these facts. We've been married a little over 2 years. Neither of us has been married before. No children. I'm 28. She'll be 28 in a couple of weeks.

Let me see what the next few days entail before making financial decisions. I'm comfortable with having money stored where in a variety of places. Also I think I mentioned it before, but when she left, she vehemently "surrendered" her debit and credit card and took no cash "so that no one could ever say that she stole" from me.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
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D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
I probably should update my signature to include these facts. We've been married a little over 2 years. Neither of us has been married before. No children. I'm 28. She'll be 28 in a couple of weeks.

Cynic,
I'll give you the advice you will probably get here now. The first two years is the honeymoon period of a marriage and should be the timeframe in which you really can do no wrong with your spouse. If a spouse cheats in that time, and you have no children together, I believe Dr. Harley (or at least this message forum) recommends that you strongly consider divorce. Your entire marriage together will be in the shadow of this adultery. Its too early for you to make snap decisions, but you should at least consider it. Even if you get her to come home now, approximately 6 months from now you are looking at an anger period in which you ask yourself why you tolerated such abuse.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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(I don't think that you mean it in a condescending fashion...merely frank levity.)

Hey, your WW stole my line! smile No, that is a phrase used often around here to give betrayeds a little 'shake' and get them moving. Just shooting straight.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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It's closer to 2.5 years. And, I really don't think that I will harbor anger. It'll be more of a rebuilding trust issue.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
My mom definitely wants to meet with her, though my dad feels that my mom is quite unhappy with WW (understandably). I'm not entirely sure how helpful that would be. WW "loves" my family but has a lot more respect for her own family than mine.

Are you trying to protect your wife from any "unhappiness??" Please stop that!! Of course your mother is unhappy with her and your WW needs to hear that! Your WW needs to face your mother and ANSWER for her actions. That will be therapeutic for your wife.

CR, I get the feeling that you want to protect your wife from anything outside of blowing smoke up her behind. I hope I am wrong about this, but your wife needs to hear the disgust and anger of her family and friends. Any person that truly CARES about your wife is going to open up a can of whoopass on her.

If your mother cares about her, she will give her holy hell and you should not stand in her way!

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I think that I might wait until tomorrow on telling her about the revelation since it's so late. It also could backfire a little (and hence look weak) if I suggest it as a juicy secret and she already knows or can explain it away somehow, so I think I need to word it carefully.

I agree, but make sure she knows. Say something like "I got a call from JoeScumbag's sister; did you know about his girlfriend??" <----------be sure and get that in!!

Quote
Unfortunately, the OM has privacy settings that don't allow me to find him on my account. I'm not sure if he's blocked me or what after my family-finding stunt. I'd use WW's account like last night, but she changed the password this morning.

Can you set up another fb account under another name?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Unfettered
[ If a spouse cheats in that time, and you have no children together, I believe Dr. Harley (or at least this message forum) recommends that you strongly consider divorce. Your entire marriage together will be in the shadow of this adultery. Its too early for you to make snap decisions, but you should at least consider it. .

A good point to consider, CR. A spouse that cheats this early on is not a good sign. Can you imagine going through this with 3 little kids and a mortgage on the hook? This might not bode well for your future.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
It's closer to 2.5 years. And, I really don't think that I will harbor anger. It'll be more of a rebuilding trust issue.

The difference is negligable. Besides, when did her affair start? Hasn't she known the OM for a year, so you are looking at possibly an EA that started 1.5 years into your marriage.

Also, nearly everyone goes through the anger phase. It comes about when you are starting to feel secure in the relationship again and your taker comes roaring back with a vengeance. You will most likely be no different in this regard.

Last edited by Unfettered; 10/03/10 09:12 AM.

ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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Bogus DV claims would be extremely contrary to her personality and probably laughed at considering my temperament and character.

The police won't laugh. They'll arrest you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Are you trying to protect your wife from any "unhappiness??" Please stop that!! Of course your mother is unhappy with her and your WW needs to hear that! Your WW needs to face your mother and ANSWER for her actions. That will be therapeutic for your wife.

CR, I get the feeling that you want to protect your wife from anything outside of blowing smoke up her [censored]. I hope I am wrong about this, but your wife needs to hear the disgust and anger of her family and friends. Any person that truly CARES about your wife is going to open up a can of whoopass on her.

If your mother cares about her, she will give her holy hell and you should not stand in her way!

I agree, but make sure she knows. Say something like "I got a call from JoeScumbag's sister; did you know about his girlfriend??" <----------be sure and get that in!!

Can you set up another fb account under another name?
There's definitely a balancing act involved. I want her to feel convicted about what she's done (she does somewhat). It's getting her to the point where she'll actually take positive and lasting action from the conviction.

I texted her about the girlfriend just now. We'll see if that gets any response.

We've been communicating a bit briefly. She informed me that she came by while I was out of the house today while I was dropping off my dad at the airport and picking up my mom. It appears she's telling the truth when she said she just took her clothes, meds, and shoes. My mom texted WW and said she'd like to see her while she's in town until Thursday. WW replied that she likely won't be home again and that maybe my mom can help me make it a better home. *sigh*

I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.

She's been talking to a few mutual friends that have been acting somewhat as supportive (to our M) mediators. I viewed that as encouraging and hoped that it was a sign of the affair having ended.

Unfortunately, I started checking the phone records. They talked last night for a couple of hours. They also texted about 15 times yesterday and 20 times today. I went ahead and blocked her from receiving his phone calls and texts. Part of me felt bad about violating her freedom of speech in a sense, but if the idea is to wreck the affair and cause chaos, I think that step probably needs to be taken. The next question...do I spend the money on parental controls to stop her from calling/texting him? (I feel like they could pretty easily subvert it.)


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
D-Day 1: late Jul 10
D-Day 2: 8/12/10
D-Day 3: 9/30/10
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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
There's definitely a balancing act involved. I want her to feel convicted about what she's done (she does somewhat). It's getting her to the point where she'll actually take positive and lasting action from the conviction.

CR, what is important is not a "balancing act" but the honest insight of others that expresses their disgust and disappointment. That will wake her up. Don't even think about protecting her from that. She NEEDS to hear it. What will motivate her to positive action is hearing the displeasure of others.

The only opinions that are dangerous are the nitwits who say stupid things like "just do what makes you happy! squeek!"

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I texted her about the girlfriend just now. We'll see if that gets any response.

Quote
I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.

I suggested you start another FB account so you can get the names of his friends and hopefully find out the name of his girlfriend so you can email her and tell her about the affair. i think if you PM more of his facebook friends you could at least get to her.

What about his parents? Did you get to them?

See, OM are pansies who usually run at the first sign of trouble. He thinks he has won right now, but if you cause more trouble for him, he will likely run.

What about her father? Have you been in contact with him? The best thing would be for him to call her and try to persuade her to end her affair. I would call and update him about the situation and ask if he will contact HER and contact the OM.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
[ I went ahead and blocked her from receiving his phone calls and texts. Part of me felt bad about violating her freedom of speech in a sense, but if the idea is to wreck the affair and cause chaos, I think that step probably needs to be taken.

Freedom of speech only applies to congress. You did the right thing! Your job is to cause holy hell in that affair! And you are doing a great job so far.. smile

This is for the loser OM:



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
[She informed me that she came by while I was out of the house today while I was dropping off my dad at the airport and picking up my mom.

CR, would your mother be willing to call the parents of the OM and ask them to use their persuasion to influence their son to leave your W alone?

I know that if someone called me and told me such a thing about my 28 year boy that there would be hell to pay. I would do everything in my power to stop my son from behaving in such a trashy way.

I would be interested in hearing your mother's opinion about continuing this marriage. Here you are married just 2 short years and you are already dealing with an affair. I would strongly reconsider having children with a woman who has such loose boundaries. You might be damning yourself and some future children to a life of hell with such a thoughtless, selfish woman.

Can your mother come post and give us her thoughts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The only opinions that are dangerous are the nitwits who say stupid things like "just do what makes you happy! squeek!"

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I'm not sure that another FB account would solve it.

I suggested you start another FB account so you can get the names of his friends and hopefully find out the name of his girlfriend so you can email her and tell her about the affair. i think if you PM more of his facebook friends you could at least get to her.

What about his parents? Did you get to them?

See, OM are pansies who usually run at the first sign of trouble. He thinks he has won right now, but if you cause more trouble for him, he will likely run.

What about her father? Have you been in contact with him? The best thing would be for him to call her and try to persuade her to end her affair. I would call and update him about the situation and ask if he will contact HER and contact the OM.
Fortunately we don't have anyone saying that to her (do what makes you happy).

I'm not sure that he listed his girlfriend in his profile. I think he had a decent bit of information private unless you were friends with him. I can't find him on a search. I suppose I could try to get a friend to look him up and see if he's just blocked me.

The relative that I spoke to...I think it might've been his mom. One of the OM last names that I messaged looked to be a middle-aged/older woman. She only identified herself on the phone as, "I was asked to call this number." Based on the sample letter #2, that would imply a parent.

I've been in steady contact with her dad, yes. He's been trying to reach the WW, but she hasn't answered any calls from family. GMIL apparently talked to WW's uncle who she's close too though...he's not happy to put it mildly.


Me: BS 28
Her: WS 27
Married: 2 years
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This is CRMom and I have told my son to not worry about anything that he has done so far. He has definitely been handling this from a Biblical basis, not just marriage builders, and I am very proud of his behavior. I know he is hurting deeply and yet he is still trying to love her through this.

At first I was angry that she had made my son keep it all secret and so she moved him from his family, church and any support system that he might have had if he had not moved. We would have tried to stop the move and help them restore their marriage. If she had told him she was moving anyway then so be it but at least he would still be in an area where he had a support system readily available. This upsets me but it is what it is.

She is still my dauthger by marriage, and I still love her because we all fall short of the glory of God and are in need of restoration. But we strive to be changed and restored. I am not sure that is what she desires at this point but I am praying that the Lord will work on her heart.
Unfortunately sin devastates and causes us to be moved from the heart of God and His desires for our life. And unfortunateloy when this happens it has a ripple effect and we in turn hurt others. I pray for her soul because right now it is tormented and she "knows" whether she confesses that or not. As far as the OM is concerned, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes on judgment day.

We all need to learn in every area of our lives that the grass may look greener somewwhere else but it is still grass just maybe bermuda grass instead of winter rye.




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Originally Posted by CRmom
This is CRMom and I have told my son to not worry about anything that he has done so far. He has definitely been handling this from a Biblical basis, not just marriage builders, and I am very proud of his behavior. I know he is hurting deeply and yet he is still trying to love her through this.

CRMom, good for you for standing behind your son! I agree he has done a superb job and should not worry about anything he has done. Affairs thrive on secrecy so his exposure has been a death blow to the affair. It might not kill it instantly, but it will certainly hasten its death.

We have had parents break up affairs and save marriages by calling the affair partner and/or his parents. This is something I suggested to your son and wondered if you had considered it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. in all the years I have been on this forum, exposure has proved to be the most effective weapon against the affair. Here is what Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, has written about it:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by CynicalRomantic
Fortunately we don't have anyone saying that to her (do what makes you happy).

hurray You are doing great, CR!



I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am new here but I wanted you to know that things are going as they should. You have the BEST people on this thread advising you. Listen to them. I know its hard to imagine life without your wife but the advise of Dr. Harley and the others here about the short period of your marriage and this horrible situation is well placed. Think long and hard when the dust settles. Because marriages only become more complicated and full. Children, years, home, careers and life are so hard to deal with when an affair arises. Pray, think, and keep reading.


Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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