Disaster. Argument. I was calm. She hit me. I called 911 but didn't have her arrested. Kids crying. She says she's filing for divorce and I believe her. She told the kids she's divorcing me. She's obviously very angry and sleeping on the couch.

Sbt, what is your plan?

Instead of argumenting there and believing every word and threat that comes from your very wayward wife?

I think it was very good to call 911.

I am reeling. I don't have a plan right now. I guess I'm waiting to get served papers.

Get a plan together. Your WW doesn't have a plan. She is acting on emotions alone. You need to rise above that. I think you did great by calling 911 but you should have let her get arrested.

Buy a VAR, if you haven't already, and make sure that you have it on you at all times. She is most likely going to try to pull a false DV report on YOU. Then YOU will be thrown in jail. YOU will be the one who loses access to the kids.

What do you want to do? How can we help you develop a plan?

I have a VAR on me at all times now. I'm not sure where I want to go now. I need a little time for this to settle in my mind and I need to work this morning.

The entire incident was very liberating yesterday. That afternoon with the kids was the best I have had for a while. I felt like myself again. My fear was gone. I still want my marriage and family. I have an unbelievable family.

Let me guess. You addressed your issues with her and she blew up and hit you in order to get you to silence you into submission. I have a feeling she is the type that will punish you if you stand up to her abuse in any way. I would strongly suggest you follow the plan I outlined earlier and contact a lawyer on your own and file for divorce on her.

sorry you had to go through this, sbt.

I saw an attorney yesterday and am working on filling out the information required to file. I don't want to file but understand now I can no longer live in a hostile marriage. Even if there is nothing going on with OM she needs to commit to helping to make things better.

Sbt, what brought on the fight? What happened?

Long story that I won't have time to tell until later today. Short version is DD10 now knows about A and my desire to have OM away from our family. The way it happened was not ideal.

Tell us about it when you can. But I'd say the main thing is that she knows now. That's important. I just hope it wasn't seeing them be physical or something like that.

I don't remember all of it but I was told I said I loved her but my actions didn't match my words because I had accused her of being with OM again when she says she wasn't. I said I just wanted OM out of our lives. I used OM name. My DD10 heard this. She knows who OM is so she knew his name. I said "After the A this spring he became a threat to our marriage.". Again DD10 overheard. I kept saying "it's because I love you that I want him out of our lives". She yelled she was filing for divorce. I said "i love you and am trying to protect our marriage" over and over. Then she lost it. There was a lot more said but those are the parts that elevated her anger bc they were said in front of DD10. I sat DD10 down later and told her about A and apologized that she witnessed that.

You should have apologized that you didn't respect her enough to let her know what was going on before she had to find it out as a third party. Okay, let's go from here. Sit your DD down and tell her the 'official' truth - not what she heard during your argument, although it'll be pretty much the same. But you need to tell her now that your family is under fire by OM, and you're going to see to it that he doesn't destroy your family.

I sat her down after the fight and told her the truth. I don't know what my W told her after that. I don't know where to go from here. Right now I am living in kind of a plan A mode in that I act happy, etc while around her or the kids but I can't meet any of her EN bc she won't let me. We discuss kid issues and that's it. She sleeps in a different room and we generally ignore each other unless we need to coordinate something regarding the kids. I believe she is extremely angry at me.

I think she is such a black and white person that she can't comprehend how someone who says he loves her could be angry about her actions. Honestly, I don't think she can process that. I say I love her but to her my actions she that I hate her and think she is a bad person. There is no in between with her.

Actually I dont just act happy. I genuinely feel happy at times. I felt like myself again for the first time in months the afternoon after the fight. I don't understand it and the feeling comes and goes now. More off than on today. I feel largely sad and numb with fleeting moments of normalcy. I'm trying to figure out what triggers the emotions so I can control them better.

I was served papers today. She is telling me to leave the house and she has asked for full custody.

Does she own the house? Have you gotten a lawyer? Do not leave your house.

No, the house is in my name but it is marital property. I have a lawyer. I'm not leaving but she is going to claim emotional abuse and try to get me removed.

sbt, I saw this one coming. Have you contacted your attorney so he will file on grounds of adultery? I would come down very hard on her in order to protect you and your children.

I am working with an attorney on that. I am in a no fault state so the fact that adultery took place doesn't matter.

She told me today she didn't want what was in the papers. That she would give me unlimited access to the kids. But still wanted the divorce. She said she wanted to feel loved.

Get with that attorney asap.
And get an RO against HER since she has been violent with you. Keep that voice recorder on you at all times. and get a keylogger until SHE is out of the family home.

Oh...she wants to feel loved? that is fog talk for "hey dude. I'm having an affair and can't say the words because it makes me look like a shameless hobag".

See?
In addition to BEGINNING PLAN B AND A PLAN D, hire a bulldog attny, get a RESTRAINING ORDER against her and have her out of the house.

I'm with MelodyL on this one as she has been abusive to you yet she also pushes that button accusing you of what she is really doing, and that's only why I say play hardball with this one.

And also GET THAT PI NOW. You need affair proof. It is there but somehow they are hiding it. I think the om sending your dd a candygram is very very telling. Icky and telling. Makes me think of the old adage: "Don't take candy from strangers."

Tough, dark plan B letter immediately and divorce challenge from your end. Of course she wants to be "nice" in her divorce. She thinks it will get her a better outcome and less guilt and more $. I say find the proof.

I'd have her counterserved and packing and then immediately hire the PI and find out where she's going and what she is doing. Great ammo for negotiations imho.

Oh my ex H tried in the beginning to say he was wanting to be nice, but the claws come out because a WS is nothing but a selfish evil entity and their true colors will emerge soon enough if she is dumb enough to continue down the path to destruction.

I'd hire the attny asap. Keep that var with you and on at all times and NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES do NOT lose any emotional control at all until SHE is out of the house. I'd secretly see attorney tomorrow and have all this ready to go, and in between this time with the attny and when she is actually served with her divorce papers and the restraining order, I'd play nice hubby.

I'd be sweet to her at home, don't rock the boat in any way (*until she is out of the home) and just hire the private investigator and have her tailed. Let her think she's won and let her own actions sink her own ship.

Let her chaos work against her and you be smart right now. I guarantee you will have affair proof immediately if you hire a good p.i. Then the attny will have her served with both the divorce papers and the r.o. and then you also will have the upper hand of having the affair proof too.

Voila. Another wayward will cook their own goose if they choose to continue.

Sorry to be this way, but do know I have a good friend from this site who actually divorced his ww, got custody of their child, and then after a year, they got back together. happily remarried are those two amazing people It can happen. But the FIRST thing is to protect you, the kids, and their lives and stability. A WS could never be a responsible parent. You have to stand up for yourself and the kids.

Your ww needs a break from her fog. Help her. Help her out and give her an icy cold shower of truth along with the proof of her lies in front of her face as well as a counter to her happily ever after cheating and divorce plan yanno?

She was sobbing again last night. I went to her and asked if there was anything I could do to help. She said no. I told her I loved her. She said I couldn't or I wouldn't have told the kids about the A (mean awful things is the wording she used). She asked why she was so unlovable. I told her I loved her and held her until she calmed down a little. She is still sleeping on the floor of the closet of our office. I don't understand that.

Could it be that A really is over? She is the child of alcoholic abusive parents and is the poster child for the typical symptoms of adult children of alcoholic parents. I'm not changing direction on anything but I am trying to understand what appears to be non normal behavior. Maybe the A, if still on, explains it all. After only a few months I can't believe her feeling for OM would be gone as she claims. Those feelings are most likely causing the conflict and guilt in her. I don't believe it is physical right now...until I get a PI and prove otherwise. Is it possible I'm confusing symptoms of her upbringing with an A? I suppose because I've got papers it may not matter anyway.

Dies anyone have a plan b letter template?