Hmmm, sunny and BT, your last few posts have gotten me thinking. BT, it sounds like your Taker is rarin' to go, and I can see how that would be the case. Even I want to shake some sense into your wife and tell her to pick up the ball here.

But sunny has a point, perhaps, and I hope your W will be able to discuss this idea openly and honestly. She may feel incredibly judged, inadequate, misunderstood. She may feel the things she takes pleasure in are verboten or looked down upon by you, (and, by extension, that she is looked down upon by you). She may be building her own resentment towards you, and may feel nothing she does is good enough anyway, so why bother putting in any more effort?

I'm not saying she's right. I'm not saying you're right. Heck, I don't even know if any of this applies to your W or not. I admit I don't recall all of the details of your recovery thus far, and I admit I'm wishing your W was more enthusiastic than she seems. However, we all have our own learning curves, and maybe you two need to revisit ENs and how best to meet them. POJA some compromises to get you guys past this potential sticking point.

Dunno, just my thoughts.

To sunnydaze

I do eat junk food, I do 15-30 mins of cardio and 30-60 mins of weight training M-F as part of 'work' and I floss after most meals since I have a gap between 2 of my back teeth that will accumulate food and cause pain, so I have to floss.

But I get your point. You are right, I don't speak like that to my wife, but I have shared my thoughts on TV with her a few times and that I strongly dislike him being sat in front of it to vedgatate. When I am home from, I play with him or near him to make sure he is entertained, without a TV.

Mrs Vanilla,

I agree. We have been slipping reviews. That's very bad. We missed our Sunday one again...... not good.

I think part of what you're talking about could be helped if she hung out on here and TOLD you guys what she thought. I am not intentionally dishonest, but this is always coming from my perspective, and not even I know what I might be misinterpreting.

I am no mind reader...

And in other news, I tipped OMW off to OMs best friend cheating on her best friend. Asked that they do their own snooping and not tell WHY they ever started snooping. I am debating telling WW since she expressed that she agreed it was the right thing to do but didn't want to live in fear that they would know it was her and come get back at her.

WW doesn't know I told OMW.

Should I have told OMW without telling WW?

Should I tell WW now?

I am really confused about this right now.

So WW asked for help with her sig last night, abbreviations and such.

If she posts I think her screen name will be quite obvious.

Thought on my previous post?

BT, I'm getting caught up on your thread, so I'll post my comments here about a couple of your topics:

1. I have made it clear to all of my friends, my relatives & my FWH that I will not condone adultery in my life in any way, shape or form. That if I hear of it I will consider it my duty to inform the innocent parties about what their spouse is up to. No one should EVER have to suffer the way I did. I don't think you need to report to your WW that you have said anything to OMW in the other sitch. You shouldn't have to if you make it clear to her and everyone else that you will never countenance adultery and sit by watching that bus flatten some poor, unsuspecting spouse. It is an outrage against everything a good person believes. It should be assumed by everyone around you that you will never enable someone's adultery by sitting silently by.

2. How much TV you like vs. how much your wife watches: Why do you care? What's it to you if she watches TV during the day and/or during the evening? Is she neglecting other things? Skipping things that need to be done around the house? Avoiding family/friends? It sounds to me like she is being passive/aggressive, and I can almost see her point when I listen to you condemning her taste in programming.

She also may just be in a rut, doing what she's always done. Consider getting her on board by another means. Stop criticizing her choice of shows, or even the inane commercials. Keep working to introduce other activities that she may enjoy.

Have you tried to incorporate different, new activities that she might enjoy? Can the two of you discuss taking one or two nights a week and making them non-electrical nights? By that I mean no TV, no computer, no video games at all. (It's actually a good thing to get in the habit of with your kids, too.)

It just sounds to me like your WW lacks motivation. I'm not saying she lacks desire. And that's not unusual - there are lots of waywards who have the mindset that the A is over and it's time to get back to business as usual. I think you'll need to introduce some new thinking into the M, and that will take some time. Some habits are harder to break than others.

FWW catches up on her TV that I hate while I do homework, or generally mess around on the computer.

Together, we watch UFC and The Ultimate Fighter - which has become an interesting activity; we watch TV and we can chat the whole time because there isn't any dialogue to keep up on in a fight! :P

So, there are some ideas for you, Sunny. Reallocate TV time, find mutually enjoyable programming.

In my M TV had become both an IB and AH, but I never addressed it properly, and instead replaced my wife with video games.

BT,

Like maritalbliss suggested, it should be known to all, particularly your W, that you will not condone, aide and abet, hide, facilitate in any way, etc., etc., etc., adultery.

That said, I believe this is something you and your W discussed before, right? The exposing to the BS? Did you reach any decisions about that, or was it left open to discussion at a later date?

The reason I ask is because, if this were my own situation, I interpret that to mean my H and I would both be involved in that decision, or that there would be a discussion where we would come together to agree on a course of action. If he went ahead and made this decision and acted on it without me/my input, I would be hurt. I would feel judged - that he didn't think I was capable of making the right decision. I would feel slighted - that my feelings about the situation didn't really matter to him anyway. I would feel left behind - that he is going to make decisions and do what he wants to anyway.

Again, maybe I'm projecting. I would use this situation as a learning tool, though, to 1) be prepared with a plan of action should any others' adultery come to light in your and/or your W's lives, and 2) practice POJA and incorporating your W in these situations as an aid to recovery.

Hope that makes sense.

Yeah, Mrs Vanilla, I don't think I handled it well, just I am not sure.

We talked about it and WW said she thought we should tell but that she didn't want to live in fear that while I was at work and she was alone they would come take revenge or something.

I guess I figure, if that's an issue, then she should be afraid now, because he could caught at any time, and could believe she told on them, no matter what happened.

I don't know if that matters. I was also thinking about the if a guy was bleeding out on the sidewalk would I wait and POJA it before I put direct pressure on the wound? No. I would help the guy. There is lady out there with a bus heading toward her that could hit her any time. I did not like getting hit by the bus, but if I hadn't been prepared for it by you guys here with lots of warnings it could have been much worse.

I will not let someone else get hit by that bus if I find out about it.

I suppose I should make that clear to WW and everyone else.

To maritalbliss: I have the problem with the TV thing because when I do get her on these forums, she asks what EPs are. Because she hasn't read all the stuff on this site, she hasn't read our books, and she counts TV time as UA time in scheduling. Well she wants to, but I tell her I don't think it counts.

She says she doesn't have time to read our books/this site, etc because she is buusy with ou son and the house all day.

That's fine, then how do you watch 2hrs of movies every other day?

I guess on "her time" I don't care if she enjoys TV, but. Her actions are showing her priorities and when everything has to stop for her show or be scheduled around it, than what's really important?

That's why it bothers me.

Mrs Vanilla, thank you and other FWS's who come on here and helps us BSs see the other side of the fence. I try to ask my WW how she feels and what she thinks, and I am trying to provide an enviroment where she is safe to tell me anything, but I just fgeel sometimes like I can't understand her at all.

Hearing your perspectives helps me think on things from a new angle I may not have considered, and I really appreciate that you guys and gals are willing to provide that.

Kind of sounds like my kids when they were younger and didn't want to do something: drag the feet, act distracted, try to wiggle out of it, act like they didn't know what they were supposed to do, that kind of thing.

She is balking at doing the work. That's immature on her part. You can't make her be mature, but you can patiently keep putting the work in front of her, until she sees that her procrastination isn't going to make it go away. I think pointing out what she's doing instead of what she "should" be doing will backfire on you. I think that will cause resentment. (It goes back to the immaturity factor I was talking about, as in "You're not the boss of me!" KWIM?) Keep putting it out there as an important tool for your M. Avoid putting it out there and comparing it to other activities that you don't think should be as important.

[quote=maritalbliss Keep putting it out there as an important tool for your M. Avoid putting it out there and comparing it to other activities that you don't think should be as important. [/quote]

Wow, That is a great distinction MB, I think that's what I was trying to get at but you put it so much better. I wonder if that would work with my kids as well????

Bogus.

She found time to have an affair.

POJA this issue with your wife, please.
Tell her you are not happy she has not read the MB materials.

This is a perfect opportunity to POJA.

Offer to help out 1 hour in the evening doing laundry (or whatever) while she catches up with the reading.
"How would you feel about me doing some of your catch-up household chores while you have an hour for reading MB material?"

You told the other BW without permission.

Never need permission to expose.

As to she had time to have an affair And Two hours of tv, she can fit in time for tv and MB.

BT, this may not be true of your wife, but to me the TV is a comfort. It can get lonely and monotonous when it's just you and the little one at home alone all day, especially when the marriage is strained. You can start to feel like you're going out of your mind. I turn on the TV to watch movies while I'm working around the house and taking care of the kids, just for peace of mind. My husband has tried to take it away from me a time or two, and I've balked -- I felt like he was taking away my "security blanket."

I believe some of the MB books are available on CD. And there is also the MB radio, which I find wonderful to listen to. If your wife watches TV for the same reasons I do, she might be interested in listening to these for an hour or two during the day while she takes care of the house and cares for your child.

Thanks Prisca, I didn't know that.

I have a microphone, maybe for a present I could record myself reading them and give her the disc...

Maritalbliss, thank you for that... I think I get what you are saying.

Prisca, she might be the same way. Even when things are 'good' she wants the TV on just as background noise. Kinda drives me wild sometimes.

Her half-brother arrived today to stay with us for a while. Forgot to post that was coming up. Should be neat, kind of a built in babysitter according to WW. I guess we will see, I had never met him before, bu within 8 hrs of getting here, knowing no one, he has gotten himself a job at a nearby taco bell he can walk to. Very nice to see.

So tonight I brought up reading FILSIL and we read it for 1/2 hr until now when her show came on, and talked about MB and stuff during her shower before that. It seemed to work better than attacking her TV show. We shall see.

New question too...

Former status to a Wayward Wife:

How do you decide if a WW is Former? Who decides? "You must be this high to be a Former" how do you measure it? Am I the one decides?

She was editing her signature getting it set up and put herself as WW because she said I still refer to her as WW on my thread. It made me think about WW and FWW.

How are we to know when she is a FWW?

I would love to get some thoughts on this.

How do you know when a smoker is a former smoker?
When the cravings are no more.

So when she doesnt crave OM anymore? Cuz that was a while ago...

In fact, the look on her face when she first saw him at the Court when we got subpoena'd to testify at his and OMWs divorce hearing...

priceless.

Okay, I'll give this a shot:

Wayward: extremely foggy, entitled, unwilling/unable to see that their actions are wrong.
(These are the ones who cake-eat, hide the AP, text non-stop to OP, etc.)

De-fogging wayward: famous for one-liners like "can't we just forget about it and move on" or "when are you going to get over it?" They agree that the A was wrong but often lack empathy toward the people they harmed, preferring to forget it happened so they don't have to do the hard work of healing.

Formerly wayward: enthusiastically learns and implements Harley principles, owns complete responsibility for the A, places their spouse's healing needs as top priority and will work with spouse to do whatever the spouse needs in order for the spouse to feel safe.

That's my yardstick when I'm reading posts. I'd say your WW is still de-fogging. Hmmm, we don't have an acronym for that one, do we?...