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Can I do Plan B but also file D papers? She has a free lawyer but said if I file the papers she will honor that, just trying to avoid a legal mess and a expensive fight to save pennies.

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Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Make sure you're keeping hard copies of those records.



Not sure why I would need to do that Cali is a no fault state.


For exposure, if needed.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
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BFRH, I wouldn't file those papers. Let her do the dirty work if you're still looking to recover. Just be sure you're prepared for the divorce (i.e. your own attorney, finances etc, etc). In the mean time plan B. She can do what she wants as far as the D is concerned but I guarantee she'll be wondering what you're up to and you must keep it that way.

In my case I filed and did a poor plan B (court date 14 Dec). It don't work. If I learned anything from this site it's that I know how not to do it.


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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(TJ)
Re-reading my post on this I can see how it may have upset some folks. The last line could be easily misinterpreted. To clarify, it's not the MB site and Dr Harley's philosophy I'm referring to when I stated "I know how not to do it". Rather, it's my own inability to correctly and consistently apply the principles. If I had done so from the get go, I believe my sitch would be alot different. Hope nobody took offense.
L4S


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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Everyone already knows so exposure is done. I would like to file because she has a free lawyer so I am trying to avoid using them. I would fill it all out and she would sign as the one filing and pay for it.
Also without lawyers I can get what I want. I in no way want a divorce but if it does happen I want to keep the house. I have offered to her that I will give her a car and take on all debt.
She already has all the paperwork ready to file her mom works for the lawyer and did it already.
So I def think I need to plan b because my love is waning and its hard to even talk to her or look at her facebook.
Maybe doing the paperwork and plan b will show her that I am not afraid to move on but also still love her.
My pastor compared her to the prodical son give want she wants and let her go but let her know I still love her.

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Plan B: wear your wedding ring and Facebook friends?

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Yes to wearing the ring.
No to being facebook friends.

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I had a phone appt with Jennifer Chalmers last night. It was not what I expected. I figured should we be for Plan B but she wants me to continue A because OM is deploying.

She gave my Taker 4 reasons:

1.If it works I will be happier
2.We never learned this type of marriage
3.Raise my own kids not another person
4.To know I did everything I could

I dont know I dont know!

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My Recovery letter. Please read and comment. Some of it sounds good and heartful and to me some of it sounds like MB language.

DW,
I am writing this letter to share with you what I want more than anything in this world, what I want for me, our kids, and you. My stomach fills with butterflies even as I write this, thinking about how it will be received and how it will make you feel. But my love and commitment to you out weighs all feelings of fear, doubt, and the unknown. I am writing because I love you and I want to continued to comfort, love, and support all your hopes and dreams for the rest of our lives. I am writing because I want our children to see a Mom and Dad that are more thoughtful and loving then they have ever been. To have parents that are committed to a lifetime of loving and caring for each other.
The last two years I have searched for answers about how we can get back on track. How we can feel the same love, passion, and commitment that we felt for each other living in that 1 bedroom tiny apartment, with a mini fridge and two burners, trying to cook meals in a toaster oven. But none of that mattered because we had a future and a dream together. We had a passion to care for one another, to grow old together, and see the other person be all that they could be wink
My hope for our future has ebb and flowed but knowing we can both be happier than we have ever been, and that we can be the only ones to raise our kids keeps me going. If we can learn a marriage that neither of us was ever shown there will be a better future for us and our children.
I realize that if we are going to be successful at restoring our love there is a path we need to follow. My love, this is the path I promise to follow and need you to follow too. I need to be even better at responding to your needs and become your number one source of happiness. I need to recognize my own behaviors that contributed to the loss of our love. I need to be your spiritual covering and leader.
We need to commit time to one another. Take the things out of our lives that aren't the most important and distract us from loving each other each day. I want to be more open with you about my fears and dreams. The things I have done wrong and what I plan for the future. To make all of those plans and decisions with each other and in a way that we both completely agree upon.
I want to be the only one who cares for you, loves you, and knows you more than anyone else. Giving all of my time and energy to make you happy and fulfilled. And to let you be the only one that meets my needs. Lastly to completely cut out everyone in our lives who has ever taken our eyes and love from each other, to ensure that we can never let those people and things threaten our love for each other.
I pray each day that you will take my hand down this path, and we can walk it, and fight for our love side by side. I desire you to be my life partner, be the only mother of our children and me the only father. I want to be your best friend and the one you love. I want to catch you in my arms like I did in the parking lot at Foothill more that 11 years ago. I close my eyes see your bouncing blond curls, cute wrangler jeans as you run up to me and I catch you. Just like I have always done when you run up to me I want to do for the next 150 years.

Love you DH

The plan is to give this to her on Thanksgiving break and give her a small anniversary gift (its saturday of that weekend) and write her letters often. Im praying that I can do this for 6 months and then plan B. Please pray for her and me.

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Hmm...it's awfully wordy, bfrh. What do you wish to accomplish with this? Understand that your WW's heart is very hard right now. She may well get through the first paragraph and then throw it down and accuse you of trying to control her emotions.

I pretended to be your wayward and got this far:
Quote:
The last two years I have searched for answers about how we can get back on track.
I could imagine her stopping there, because those words are interfering in where she wants to be RIGHT NOW.

I'm not saying it's wrong to let her know your feelings. But is there a better way to do this? This letter will not be read, mainly because you're throwing too much in her face that she doesn't want to think about right now.

Does she have a sense of humor, bfrh? I'm wondering if it might not be a better idea to whack this down to one or two paragraphs, finishing on a note that will make her smile. Not so much gushy stuff all in one place, KWIM?

Can you separate this into about 5-6 separate letters and use these as the letters you're going to send? Ending each one in a way that will make her smile? Can you tell her something funny you or the kids did, things like that?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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This was the letter that Jenny Chalmers suggested I write and give to her over Thanksgiving. She needs it needs to be the recovery letter and contain the 7 steps to recovery in a simple heart felt way and the WW needs to know what steps need to be taken. She agrees that the letter may not even be read all the way through but that it will be a seed.

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Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead
This was the letter that Jenny Chalmers suggested I write and give to her over Thanksgiving. She needs it needs to be the recovery letter and contain the 7 steps to recovery in a simple heart felt way and the WW needs to know what steps need to be taken. She agrees that the letter may not even be read all the way through but that it will be a seed.


I agree with planting a seed, but it's like your putting in the whole garden, you know?

With all due respect to Jenny Chalmers, I've got to stand by my thoughts: it's too wordy. You've unloaded all your guns in one volley. I'd cut it way down. She'll probably get through a paragraph or two and stop, because she's not going to want to read this right now. Give it to her a few pieces at a time and let them soak in that way.

Conversely, if you DO give her this missive: how do you plan to follow this up? What else can you say after this?

Just my thoughts.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Subsequent letters would be light just telling her wha is going on with my training and interesting or funny stuff happening day to day maybe 1 to 2 letters per week.
In addition every month or so a more serious what did you think about what I wrote before and here's how I still feel.

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Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead
Subsequent letters would be light just telling her wha is going on with my training and interesting or funny stuff happening day to day maybe 1 to 2 letters per week.
In addition every month or so a more serious what did you think about what I wrote before and here's how I still feel.


It's just so long, bfrh. I'm worried that she's going to go a few paragraphs and then toss it out. But I think you feel strongly about this and hey - I could be totally wrong (I think that's happened to me once or twice in my life grin )

I've never had to deal with a wayward in this respect so I'm going to bow to Jennifer's expertise.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I could see it being the first few sentences and the last few but I think the taker reasons need to be included and somehow include that there is a hope because of the 7 steps.

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Well everything took a turn for the worse so it seems. I talked to her chain of command and their punishments are to transfer them out if the unit. Which means they wont have drill together but OM will not be deploying. I don't think I can Plan A with him around. But here is the re work of my letter.

DW,
I wanted to let you know what I desire for me, you, and our children more than anything else in this world. With all that we have been through I believe we are exactly in a place where we have a chance to be happier then we have ever been, learn a type of marriage we were never taught, be the only parents for our children, and know that we did everything we could do to save our love and our family.
I commit to you to listen and respond to your needs and be the number one source of your happiness and eliminate my behaviors that contribute to the loss of your love. I want to devote time to you and you alone. Openly share my dreams, desires, and failures. To make life decisions that make the both of us most fulfilled. And alllow you to be the only one that brings me the most happiness. So we can protect our love from any outside threats.

I know that when we can make this commitment to each other we will be life long partners and best friends. I need to catch you in my arms like I have since the very first time in the Foothill parking lot and have done for our whole marriage and hope to do for the next 150 years. I need us to follow this new path and love each other more than ever.

Love DH

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You need to list the conditions that need to met in order for you to reengage in the M, right? And you need to set the bar high this time, BFRH, since she is a multiple offender.

I will be back with a Plan B thread for you that outlines what needs to be in the letter.

Do you have SAA?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Thank you. I've read alot on plan b. But this letter is suppose to be a recovery letter. Jennifer chalmers wants me to continue plan A and this letter is to just be a seed.
I had started to mentally prepare my self to do Plan A with hopes of success because OM would be deployed. Now that's not the case and I am not sure where to go from here.

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Oh, I misunderstood, I thought it was a PBL! Under that context, I think the letter is good smile


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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