Please forgive the question, but is it possible that he is doing anything inappropriate with his male friends?

He is not doing anything inappropriate with him that I know of.

For me, I don't believe he is doing anything.

He said he felt like I ripped out his heart and stomped on it:'( He thought that I would never have slept with someone else and that if he never found out about it he would have been happy. It's the case that he's extremely hurt/betrayed. He can't believe the person he trusted the most could/would do something like that.

I should mention that this guy was actually his best friend in the foreign country we are living in. Not his best friend out of all his friends. But this guy was considered his BF until this all happened. So he feels betrayed by both.

As well, I was the one who decided he should have a weekend away as he talked about it but never did. He actually wanted to take a short trip somewhere in the new years. But because we had been fighting a lot last week I thought some time apart now instead of later would be nice.

Did you read my posts about why this is bad for your marriage?

LL,, there could not be a WORSE time for you to be apart. Your marriage needs top attention. NOW. When the house is on fire it is best to stay there and save the house.

Why don't you plan to go somewhere TOGETHER this weekend?

I did read what you said.

But there is not much I can do. I am trying to meet his needs. His top 5 needs were (not in the order he listed): affection, respect, time to himself, honesty/openness and conversation.

LL, spending time alone is not an emotional need! That is ridiculous. One cannot create romance if they are not together so that makes no sense.

Do you know this program does not work if you don't spend 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time together meeting the top 4 intimate needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Unless you are spending your leisure time together you can't very well recover your marriage. In this quote he uses the figure of 15 hours, but he adds in other writings that it needs to be 20+ when a couple is recovering from adultery.

And sure, something can be done. Plans can always be changed.

This is not alone:

I will discuss it with him this week on our discussion night. But we've talked about it before and he doesn't want to cancel the one night out a week. He wants time to himself doesn't mean he wants to be alone, he wants time to be away from the relationship to spend time with friends. This is something he wanted before....

I also talked to some of his siblings who I am close to. They said give him his space as that is the type of person he is. But they also said that the time we do spend together should be doing something healthy. We spend 6 nights a week together other than the night out. This week will be 5 nights.

Is having once a week discussion about the relationship enough? We decided there was unlimited time for discussion but that it was set once a week.

This is a very unhealthy, dangerous practice for any marriage. It leads to emotional detachment and often leads to affairs. Your marriage is already suffering from a lack of emotional intimacy, so spending time apart will only add to the problem.

And secondly, if you want to recover your marriage, you should learn to never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other.

here

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


here

What are their professional credentials at saving marriages?

They don't have professional credentials, they are just his siblings. One of them has been married for 20 years in a stable and loving relationship.

Anyhow, I will take to my husband about these things. But at the same time I can't push him to do what he doesn't want to or doesn't feel is comfortable for him. We do spend 10 hours of time together doing things together at home and such (conversation, recreation and affection, sex not as much..only been 1-2x a week). But I guess we'll up the undivided attention by some more. However, he thinks that as a couple you don't need to spend every spare minute together. There should be some agreed time apart.

HUH?? Time spent alone?? This isn't a need, it's a want. And I fail to see where he's getting this 'need' met. Does he go out and sit all by himself in his car once a week to get this 'time spent alone'? No. Actually, you're saying he 'needs' time away from you. Why would he need time away from you?? Isn't being apart what got you into this mess in the first place?? You two need to be together!

And what the heck is this about your H telling you if he's hanging with women?? How can this even be a possibility??

LL, you know what your posts are saying to me? They're saying that neither one of you is really interested in making any effort at all to rebuild your M.

I don't understand. Do you mean that neither of you work and you're together all day and night?

Hopefully, you will help him get over this wrongheaded notion. Spending the nights apart and having separate leisure lives is a disaster for marriage.

Another thing, LL, and I can only speak for my marriage, but: FWH and I are forced to be apart because we work during the day. That's our 'time apart.' We don't like it. We want to be together. Isn't that how it should be?

An emotional need is something that causes you to fall in love with the person who supplies it for you. Time to himself may be some sort of "need," but it is not a Marriage Builders emotional need.

Emotional needs are things you need in order to fall in love, not things you need to stay alive or things you need in order to be "emotionally healthy."

10 hours is not enough. The Marriage Builders plan calls for 15 for a good marriage, 20+ for a rocky marriage.

And none of these figures is even close to "every spare minute together."

Did you know that for years Dr. Harley built a great marriage with his wife while working obsessive hours each week managing his clinic? All it took was the right amount and type of time with his wife each week. It was nowhere near the amount of time he spent working.

Personally, I'd rather spend that time doing something else besides working, but the point is that 15 hours a week still leaves room for a lot of other things.

15 hours a week can still leave you 50 hours a week to do what you want. So this is hardly "every spare moment" together.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

Dr. Harley says he has no problem with couples doing some recreational things apart from each other, under the following conditions:

* FIRST, the couple needs to be each other's favorite recreational companions. If they are not, then they should be spending their time becoming each other's favorite recreational companions by following this program.
* The couple must be following the policy of undivided attention (Give each other your undivided attention for 15 hours each week, 20 if the marriage is troubled, meeting the emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment). If the schedule doesn't allow for 15 hours of UA time, then it certainly shouldn't allow for independent recreational activities.
* The independent activities must be subject to the Policy of Joint Agreement: neither one of you will engage in an activity if the spouse is not enthusiastic. For example, she may not like him going to play basketball but may be fine with him playing golf.

But all of this is for AFTER you've built a romantic relationship.

BUT....the separate activity should NOT involve spending the night apart. Her H says his favorite activity is to spend the weekends/nights with his friend or boss, and that sometimes girls join them. [but he tells her when girls join them]

Frankly, I this she is being gaslighted and this is all a ruse to cover up an affair or a swinging single lifestyle.