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No I am changing the lock to my room.
What would this accomplish? Nothing. He would view this as drama on your part.

Okay, you've got your post-op plan. Go to your sister's house. Plan B him from there. I would prefer to see you stay in your own home without your wayward. PLEASE make arrangements for this if you can.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Have you thought about getting all of your WH's PERSONAL items packed up by the front door and ASKING him to leave? My WH has equal rights to my house. Almost one year ago, I packed up his things and put them on a porch. I had the Plan B letter on top. I wasn't even sure that he would leave. It took 30 minutes of talking and I think that the shock of it all happening unexpectedly made him go. I don't think he full realized what happened for quite some time. I asked for my keys back. I am sure that he could have come back at any time, he just never has.

If you make a compelling argument for why he should leave you the way you are asking, he might just go. You should also have a backup plan in case this one doesn't work. You should do it as quickly as possible.


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i think jinxie is in a sucky situation, BUT i'd really like to see a judge evict a man from his own home when there's been NO physical abuse...none whatsoever...when the day comes, that a man can be evicted from his own home for no logical reason, will be the day this country sinks to a new low...

the guy never had a physical affair...the OW lives States away and you want a judge to evict a guy over talking to another woman...please God don't tell me a judge will evict a guy over this!

don't waste your time and money jinxie trying to get a judge to evict your husband over an EA...oh a lawyer will do whatever you ask of him as he sucks your bank account dry...i believe there's more you can do from within the marriage to right the ship...

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
i think jinxie is in a sucky situation, BUT i'd really like to see a judge evict a man from his own home when there's been NO physical abuse...none whatsoever...when the day comes, that a man can be evicted from his own home for no logical reason, will be the day this country sinks to a new low...

Well, there is a logical reason, it is called DIVORCE. See, in this country called America, when you don't want to be married anymore, you don't have to be married anymore. When one party files a divorce, a separation agreement is drawn up and the couple is separated. When you don't want to be married anymore, that means someone has to move, right? When one partner is committing emotional abuse, ie: adultery, it is much easier to get the offending spouse to agree to move out lest the divorce get all messy.

There are no guarantees, but we have many BS's who have got their WS's moved out this way. But if she does nothing, she is guaranteed absolutely nothing.

So no, mranderson, it would not be a waste of time and money to file for divorce. She needs to get divorced if her H will not end his affairs.

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...i believe there's more you can do from within the marriage to right the ship...

And there is not "more she can do from within the marriage to right the ship." She should be going into PLAN B, just like Dr Harley says.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LOL...no sh*t melody...I know what a Divorce is...and Jinxie is right...i have two lawyer friends who say the same thing as Jinxie's friend who works for a lawyer says...unless there's PHYSICAL ABUSE, a judge can't evict the man...and a "emotional affair" doesn't qualify as "abuse" in the eyes of the court...sorry...

yes, she can file for a divorce and try and workout a separation agreement, but like you said...if he contests the agreement it's going to be costly and get messy...does she really want this to get messy.

it's been a month since Jinxie first posted...in what way has she Plan A'd her husband? Has she fully exposed the affair and has the exposure had time to work yet?

now, she could file for a divorce and he has an allotted amount of time to answer the petition or the petition dies...that could be enough to motivate him...but unless she's ready to officially end her marriage and follow through on a divorce to its end, she should continue her Plan A...

Jinxie knows her situation better than any of us...she knows her husband and how he may react...she should know what her options are and plan accordingly...

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
This sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Sugarcane it is beyond horrendous. Sometimes people in my very own family and friends don't get the severity of it. I am speaking of life and death.

Originally Posted by maritalbliss
What would this accomplish? Nothing. He would view this as drama on your part. Okay, you've got your post-op plan. Go to your sister's house. Plan B him from there. I would prefer to see you stay in your own home without your wayward. PLEASE make arrangements for this if you can.

He will be coming home sometime late tonite or tomorrow early a.m. Apparently my oldest boy had quite a conversation with his father last night. WS may now beginning to see the seriousness of this situation. Doesn't mean anything to me until I see action. Firmly. I really do not want to live with him at this time. In my heart I think that the only thing that will do is at the very least a legal separation or filing for divorce.

Once I am at a safe post-op point I can go to my sisters home. My two oldest boys are going to take some time off of work to come and be with me pre and post surgery. I am so grateful to have them as they can deal with their father.

Originally Posted by Scotland
Have you thought about getting all of your WH's PERSONAL items packed up by the front door and ASKING him to leave? My WH has equal rights to my house. Almost one year ago, I packed up his things and put them on a porch. I had the Plan B letter on top. I wasn't even sure that he would leave. It took 30 minutes of talking and I think that the shock of it all happening unexpectedly made him go. I don't think he full realized what happened for quite some time. I asked for my keys back. I am sure that he could have come back at any time, he just never has.

If you make a compelling argument for why he should leave you the way you are asking, he might just go. You should also have a backup plan in case this one doesn't work. You should do it as quickly as possible.

Scot I have tried this on two different occasion and it did not work. He is a very stubborn man who will not leave the home that he built with his own hands, sweat and tears. Our dream home.

Originally Posted by mr_anderson
i think jinxie is in a sucky situation, BUT i'd really like to see a judge evict a man from his own home when there's been NO physical abuse...none whatsoever...when the day comes, that a man can be evicted from his own home for no logical reason, will be the day this country sinks to a new low...

the guy never had a physical affair...the OW lives States away and you want a judge to evict a guy over talking to another woman...please God don't tell me a judge will evict a guy over this!

don't waste your time and money jinxie trying to get a judge to evict your husband over an EA...oh a lawyer will do whatever you ask of him as he sucks your bank account dry...i believe there's more you can do from within the marriage to right the ship...

MrA yes this was what I was trying to explain yesterday. This county is horrible in it's views on these types of situations, unfortunately. Depends largely on the judge also. I have done everything I possibly can from within the M. He is so fogged, infatuated, obsessed and selfish right now. He did cry on the phone with my son last night about the mess he's created. It is all moot point til he acts to make it right.

He will only be home until Sun. evening at best in any case. I just need to deter mine what to do for these next few days right now and wait to hear from my lawyer.





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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
it's been a month since Jinxie first posted...in what way has she Plan A'd her husband? Has she fully exposed the affair and has the exposure had time to work yet?

mranderson, do you know much about Marriage Builders? Jinxie has now been in Plan A for a month. This is her H's second affair - that she knows of. How long would Marriage Builders prescribe she stay in Plan A?

If you are giving newcomers advice here, that is a simple basic question to which you should know the answer. Keep in mind that this poster is here to find out about Marriage Builders, not our personal opinions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Jinxie
Once I am at a safe post-op point I can go to my sisters home. My two oldest boys are going to take some time off of work to come and be with me pre and post surgery. I am so grateful to have them as they can deal with their father.

Jinxie, that sounds like a great plan. But please get with your attorney and get the divorce ball rolling. I predict that is the only thing that will wake your H up, if anything can. Since this is his 2nd <?> affair he obviously does not believe you will do anything to stop him. You can't go wrong if you file for divorce. If he straightens up, your marriage might have a chance and you can drop the divorce. If not, then you will be divorced and better off without him.

That being said, I would wait on delivering the Plan B letter until you can effect the separation by either a) getting him out or b) moving out yourself. When you hand him the letter, you must be able to back it up with action. If he is still there, you obviously cannot go into Plan B.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Jinxie
MrA yes this was what I was trying to explain yesterday. This county is horrible in it's views on these types of situations, unfortunately. Depends largely on the judge also. I have done everything I possibly can from within the M. He is so fogged, infatuated, obsessed and selfish right now. He did cry on the phone with my son last night about the mess he's created. It is all moot point til he acts to make it right.

He will only be home until Sun. evening at best in any case. I just need to deter mine what to do for these next few days right now and wait to hear from my lawyer.

since you've exposed the affair, let the exposure do its job...your kids knowing about what their dad has done to their mother, especially in regard to your medical issues is huge...parents, friends of your marriage...a pastor...all need to know about this and if they care about your marriage, they'll work on him and his conscience and he could see the light come around and end the affair.

i look at a filing a divorce like pulling a gun on someone...if you pull a gun on someone without the heart to actually pull the trigger if need be, then you could end up in a bad situation, by simply trying to scare someone...

if you're truly done with the marriage...truly done, then file for a divorce and get on with your life and taking care of your health and have no regrets...

but if there's any spark in you to want to save your marriage, then get all in, let your exposure work and continue to Plan "A" him...from your opening post till today, it's barely been a month, since you've found out and have exposed the affair...i would give it another month or two...then decide if it's worth it or not...

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Originally Posted by mr_anderson
i look at a filing a divorce like pulling a gun on someone...if you pull a gun on someone without the heart to actually pull the trigger if need be, then you could end up in a bad situation, by simply trying to scare someone...

if you're truly done with the marriage...truly done, then file for a divorce and get on with your life and taking care of your health and have no regrets...

but if there's any spark in you to want to save your marriage, then get all in, let your exposure work and continue to Plan "A" him...from your opening post till today, it's barely been a month, since you've found out and have exposed the affair...i would give it another month or two...then decide if it's worth it or not...

Unfortunately, this is really bad advice that does not line up with Dr Harley's principles. First off, you didn't answer my question about Plan A and that is because you don't KNOW how long Plan A is supposed to be for a woman. Which leads me to the next question which is WHY are you advising newcomers when you don't know anything about MB?? crazy

Secondly, a BS who goes into Plan B, which is the plan she should be in, should file for separation or divorce in order to protect themselves legally. This is a common recommendation made by Dr Harley. In her case, this is even more critical because she has severe health problems and because her H is a serial cheater.

In her case, she desperately needs to be in Plan B, so filing for divorce is her best chance at achieving a separation.

Having a "spark" is utterly irrelvant to the situation.

And lastly, please stop posting to newcomers if you know nothing about Marriage Builders. That is not helpful to the newcomer and is against board policy, which is posted in the announcement section. This is not an "opinion" forum, it is set up to help posters with MB:

From the announcement section: This announcement is to clarify our policy about the discussion of other marriage books and programs on our forum. Such discussion is acceptable, except on the threads of those seeking help for their marriages. Offering alternative methods to those in need promises to confuse and discourage them, often leading to unnecessary debates. Posters attempting to help should not be put in the position of having to debate basic principles. That is not helpful to anyone, most especially the poster in need.
continued here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jinxie, any BS in serious health crisis, I would recommend them cut their Plan A short if need be, in order to protect themselves. That said, your Plan A already falls within the ideal window of what Dr. H recommends for BW's.

HOWEVER

What you're doing, of a not-Plan A and not-Plan B is damaging the hard work you've already put in. By capriciously not responding to him, yet without giving him a firm cutoff, you're eroding what you did in your Plan A, and reinforcing his silly belief that you're just a jealous wife, and no one to be reckoned with.

You need to be in your best Plan A right up until the MOMENT you go dark. If you can no longer do that, it's a very good sign that you should have been in Plan B already.

***Plan B is never under the same roof.***

You may have more power than you realize to get him out of the house, and certainly the ideal is to get the adulterer out of the house while the BS stays.

but

If he will not go and you can't continue Plan A long enough to try and legally force him to leave, then you must go. It's not fair. It stinks. But oh well - your health and sanity is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than any house, or other worldly possession.

Again, you're either in Plan A or Plan B. If you try to freelance, you might as well not have gone through the agony of this last month.

If it was me, I would Plan A today with a vengeance. Send him nice texts, call him once or twice, have a super supper ready when he gets home, be flirty and chatty. And tomorrow while he's at work, move out and leave him the letter.

I'm all about saving marriages, but NEVER NEVER NEVER at the expense of a BS's health and life. Serious risk to life and well-being trump a marriage every time. With all due respect, it would be irresponsible to advise you to continue in Plan A any longer.

You have all the info you need. What action are you going to take now?


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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