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Then work. They are looking out for themselves and asked me to consider just how much exposure I wanted in the workplace. Perhaps just telling my managers is enough - what is the protocol? Do I need to expose to all of my co-workers? Or perhaps just the ones who I am closest to personally and who I don't want finding out in other ways. I want to respect my manager's first reaction not to expose it too much, but it does kinda go against the MB guidelines, right?


Scotty touched on telling your kids. I'll talk to you about work.
First of all, remember one thing: exposure is intended to kill the affair. You need to tell whomever you need to tell in order to make sure the A is dead and NC can be ensured. If it isn't possible to do so in accordance with your managers' wishes, you will need to leave that job. NC is paramount to any manager's wish.
I have to believe that your managers will want to do whatever it takes to keep you.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I was quite adamant with my managers about NC and they were very supportive. They are supportive of dealing with my need for a transfer to deal with NC should OM decide not to leave work. I think they are just concerned about the "drama" in the workplace should I go nuclear there.

I am quite sure the A is dead and that I will keep up with NC. If OM returns to work, I am confident my managers will help me deal with it. If he doesn't, then I think the current level of exposure at work is good.

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Originally Posted By: athena99
Wow.

That's all I can say right now. I exposed to my neighbors and work today. Both went SO much better than I expected.

My neighbor was so supportive -


People tend to be very, very understanding and forgiving when exposure of misdeeds and apologies come with honesty, sincerity and evidence of changed ways.

What people disrespect and won't/shouldn't accept are cover ups, partial truths, excuses, blame shifting, lack of responsibility taking and lack of reparation.

This is true for our children as well.

They are no different.


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Originally Posted By: athena99
I was quite adamant with my managers about NC and they were very supportive. They are supportive of dealing with my need for a transfer to deal with NC should OM decide not to leave work. I think they are just concerned about the "drama" in the workplace should I go nuclear there.


Athena, the only folks who need to know at work are supervisor and human resources. Have you told your managers about the affair? And if you could get a transfer, where would it be?

Quote:
I am quite sure the A is dead and that I will keep up with NC. If OM returns to work, I am confident my managers will help me deal with it. If he doesn't, then I think the current level of exposure at work is good.


If he returns to work and you are there, this is hopeless. Just keep that in mind. You can't see each other again. <-----I really need Helo to read this. If anyone suggests that there is any way around complete no contact, it won't work. That means you can't work at the same place. period. You can't see him. You can't see his car. nothing. nothing..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Athena, the only folks who need to know at work are supervisor and human resources.


Thanks for that clarification. That is what I am thinking too. Both are now aware.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Have you told your managers about the affair? And if you could get a transfer, where would it be?


I told them of the affair and while shocked, they were pleased that I was honest. A transfer would be to another location in the same city. But I am thinking that won't be enough. If we have a company staff meeting or event, unless I just avoid ALL such things, there is risk we could still run into each other. I don't want that - I really want NC.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
If he returns to work and you are there, this is hopeless. Just keep that in mind. You can't see each other again. <-----I really need Helo to read this. If anyone suggests that there is any way around complete no contact, it won't work. That means you can't work at the same place. period. You can't see him. You can't see his car. nothing. nothing..


I told this to my managers and they agreed that we will see what the next week or so brings, but that I can plan on being absent on OM's first scheduled return to work day after his sick leave is up. It is cowardly of me, but I am waiting for OM to make the decision to quit.

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Originally Posted By: athena99
[
. A transfer would be to another location in the same city. But I am thinking that won't be enough. If we have a company staff meeting or event, unless I just avoid ALL such things, there is risk we could still run into each other. I don't want that - I really want NC.



Exactly. Running into each other at company events would be devastating to your husband. It would put you back to Day 1 of withdrawal.

If the OM doesn't leave the company, maybe you could get a transfer now while you look for another job?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It has been a while since I posted. I feel like nothing has changed. We haven't been very good at finding time to spend together. And - truth be told - I am not trying hard to make it happen. I know this is one of the drops on the rollercoaster, but knowing it doesn't make it any easier.

I don't want him to give me affection or sexual fulfillment. Conversation and recreational companionship are about all I am willing to do right now - but we aren't making the time for any of it. And I feel that unless I initiate it, it doesn't happen. I think that he may be scared to push me too far, but I don't want him walking on eggshells around me and waiting for me to give the go-ahead - he needs to put in the effort and show some initiative too.

I feel like we are back to where we were before I started cheating on him. The only difference is that I now have the chance to make a different choice. Problem is ... in order to get the desire I need to spend time with him, but in order to spend time with him, I need to have the desire to make it happen. I know I just need to step up and make it happen even if I don't feel it. But I have a hard time motivating myself under the best circumstances - this is not one of them.

To put a cherry on top, I had a dream about OM last night. It was a very sexual and emotional dream and I woke up nearly in tears because I had lost that feeling. I know this sounds foggy, but I really believe it's not something I ever felt as deeply with BH. And in the last month of resuming SF, I have not felt it. I have also been comparing and left wanting.

I found HNHN to be very chauvanistic when it comes to SF. I read that part a couple of times to try and understand how to meet that need, but it usually addresses it from the man's POV. I feel I place a higher importance on SF than BH does and this makes it tough.

I am also reading the "Resolving Conflicts over Sex" part of Love Busters. It is very good at describing the issue, but I just don't "feel" like I "want" to do anything about it. The couples in the book want to be intimate and resolve their issue. I almost don't care. Sure I want SF and I want it to be good, but I just feel like the effort isn't worth it - it won't be pleasurable for me and I don't want to bother trying. I am not attracted to him and can't bring myself to start a session that will disappoint me.

What should I do? I am feeling so lost. I can read about the principles and they all make perfect sense. I am just not FEELING them and this hurts a lot.


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athena, you are whining. I think you know you're whining.

You can keep whining. That is your choice. But what good will it do you?

Do you want a successful marriage or don't you? The choice is yours.

A lot of the time we do things in the short term we aren't all that excited about because 1) they are the right things to do and 2) are necessary to achieve a longer term goal. To achieve success.

You already do this every day.

Do you really "feel" like getting up at 2am with your kids to clean up their puke?

Do you really "feel" like working out when you could be watching TV on the sofa?

Do you really "feel" like choosing an organge over that sugar coated Krispy Kreme?

Do you have a diploma? A degree? Did you really "feel" like studying instead of going out with your friends.

Do you really "feel" like getting up and going to work every morning?

We make choices, athena.

You make choices every day to do the things that need to be done to achieve your personal and family goals.

Following the MB plan is no different.

Are you going to choose the path to success or failure for your marriage, despite how you feel in the moment?

The choice is yours.


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BTW, athena, what's the latest with your job?


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Originally Posted By: athena99
I feel I place a higher importance on SF than BH does and this makes it tough.


No. No you don't. You took it outside of your marriage and demonstrated that you don't place as much importance on it as you are claiming. You took something that should be exclusive to your spouse to the OM.

What is probably more important, is everything leading up to SF; conversation, affection, admiration.

twoxfour


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Athena99, you've been given some great advice. If you are committed to recovery than you need to FIND the time to be togeher, and you NEED to meet your H's top needs. If you aren't willing to try then what's the point?


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I understand your opinion that I am whining and I will admit to some extent that I am. Yes, sometimes you just need to do something even if you don't want to or don't feel like it.

But I am having a really hard time with this one. POJA is keeping me from engaging in SF. I am not excited about it. I don't want to do it. Not with him. I HATE that I feel this way, but I don't know how to overcome it.

Every time we have done it, I feel unfulfilled and it makes me not want to do it again. Yes, I should be open and honest, but if I am, then he'll just want to try again and I don't want to go there.

I understand the MB principles and am trying to learn more about them. I am just having a hard time implementing them when the desire to do some of these basic things is not there.

I know I am the only one who can fix my marriage - there's nothing you well-meaning folks can actually "do" except guide me in the right direction. I have to want it bad enough to expend the effort.

I guess the bottom line is that we are not following all of the MB principles, so how can we expect anything to work right now. We are not being radically honest - I am not telling him how disappointed I am in sex. The thought of practicing to make it better ... frankly, doesn't interest me. I get that it seems like I am whining and should look at it like going to work or studying (because I have to), but how do I let my guard down enough to be sexual with someone when I sitting here crying (bawling actually) at the thought of him touching me. God I hope he doesn't read this.

I am desperately looking for some advice on how to overcome this and get back on track with MB. Though maybe we never were on track - we read the stuff but never started implementing it.

Should we put a freeze on any SF stuff until we are in a better place? I just can't see going there right now with me feeling this way.


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Maybe you're putting too much pressure and focus on SF.

My suggestion is that you spend one week focusing on RC.

One week. Full steam ahead. Your main focus. Quality RC alone with your husband.

If you're enjoying your time with him, you might be surprised at what follows ... emotions and desire.

Edit: don't make the mistake, though, of searching for the emotion and desire while you spend time together. Just try to be in the moment, find the joy in the moment, like you would with a friend.

Last edited by DeltaDriveDeceit; 12/02/10 02:00 PM.

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Ok - I took a breath, calmed down, and shook my head.

Yeah - I am whining. The books have everything I need to make this work and I haven't been doing any of it. No wonder we are making no progress. I lost my focus and forgot what I was supposed to be doing.

I need to hunker down and FOCUS, trust in the process, and start doing what the good Dr says.

1 - spend a lot of time together meeting the 4 most important needs - affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment

2 - follow the rules
a - protection (avoid the love busters, follow POJA)
b - care (meet the needs and meet them well)
c - time (undivided attention)
d - honesty (open and honest)

Seems so easy. Why am I having so much trouble? Grrrrrr. I guess I just need to put in the effort. And in the spirit of honesty, need to tell BH that I need him to put in the effort too - I can't do this on my own.


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Originally Posted By: athena99
...We are not being radically honest - I am not telling him how disappointed I am in sex. The thought of practicing to make it better...frankly, doesn't interest me. I get that it seems like I am whining and should look at it like going to work or studying (because I have to), but how do I let my guard down enough to be sexual with someone when I sitting here crying (bawling actually) at the thought of him touching me. God I hope he doesn't read this...Should we put a freeze on any SF stuff until we are in a better place? I just can't see going there right now with me feeling this way...

this isn't fair to him, you not being honest with your husband in regard to your feelings about sex...but then again, you cheated on him and telling him that sex with him turns you off will probably do more harm than good in the recovery...

somehow you need to communicate to him in a way that's not hurtful that you're not in a place quite yet mentally to engage in sex with him and that you would prefer a period of no pressure of sex while you two work on falling back in love...

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Originally Posted By: DeltaDriveDeceit
If you're enjoying your time with him, you might be surprised at what follows ... emotions and desire.

Edit: don't make the mistake, though, of searching for the emotion and desire while you spend time together. Just try to be in the moment, find the joy in the moment, like you would with a friend.


I think that's where I was losing it. Thanks for clearing it up smile

I was expecting those things to just be there and not realizing that I needed to work to get them back. I really miss having those feelings and always believed they were either there or they weren't, that I couldn't do anything to make them happen. I need to change that perception and realize WE have the power to get those feelings again - WE just have to do the right things to get them.


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The reason why I like to focus on RC is that it seems -- for us anyway -- conversation and affection are automatically part of it (talking, laughing, holding hands, hugging, him opening doors, etc.).

And because of all of that going on, my desire for SF is cranked up.

I can't tell you how full of desire I was after recently going to a football game with my H. I do love football and my team won, but it was from all the other interactions we had through the afternoon, too.


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Originally Posted By: mr_anderson
this isn't fair to him, you not being honest with your husband in regard to your feelings about sex...but then again, you cheated on him and telling him that sex with him turns you off will probably do more harm than good in the recovery...


My fear exactly. I've already given him quite a blow to his confidence and don't want to make it worse.

Originally Posted By: mr_anderson
somehow you need to communicate to him in a way that's not hurtful that you're not in a place quite yet mentally to engage in sex with him and that you would prefer a period of no pressure of sex while you two work on falling back in love...


I am realizing (again) that we need to spend some quality&quantity time together before getting into sex again. Yes, we do need to fall in love again to make sex satisfying for both of us.


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Originally Posted By: athena99
Originally Posted By: DeltaDriveDeceit
If you're enjoying your time with him, you might be surprised at what follows ... emotions and desire.

Edit: don't make the mistake, though, of searching for the emotion and desire while you spend time together. Just try to be in the moment, find the joy in the moment, like you would with a friend.


I think that's where I was losing it. Thanks for clearing it up smile

I was expecting those things to just be there and not realizing that I needed to work to get them back. I really miss having those feelings and always believed they were either there or they weren't, that I couldn't do anything to make them happen. I need to change that perception and realize WE have the power to get those feelings again - WE just have to do the right things to get them.


Echo, echo, echo....

He has to know how to meet those needs, and you have to allow him to meet them. Two parts of the puzzle that don't work without the other.


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Come on now. You can be sexual without actually focusing on having sex.
Talk to each other about what turns you on. Touch each other (massages, just touching skin) and take the pressure off 'going all the way' all the time.
Watch R rated movies together with scenes that might turn you each on.
Read erotica together.
Etc.

You are forgetting that the brain IS the main sex organ and where all desire begins. Find the key to desiring the spouse.

yK.....part of your desire for an OM was the intrigue and top secret meetings and so on. That fueled the fantasy life. It was your brain.







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