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Originally Posted by letgoletGod
[quote=barbiecat]What I am doing for cleansing is cleaning out all the crap and putting everything that is his together. There are several areas in the house where things pile up into a big mess. I cleaned out my closet (1/3 was his stuff) I put all his stuff in one spot. I also did the same thing for the FL/office. Next is the garage. Wait until he see's how much crap he has to move. Hey, this isn't a storage facility!

It is the season of "giving"...I packed up all the clothes that XH left behind in his rush to be with PP and handed them out this Thanksgiving to the homeless.

Ralph Lauren shirts, hillfigler, pringle...best dressed homeless in town.

Positive action vent...


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
Er....

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/08/11/catharsis/

[quote]If you get into an argument, or someone cuts you off in traffic, or you get called an awful name, venting will not dissipate the negative energy. It will, however, feel great.

That�s the thing. Catharsis will make you feel good, but it�s an emotional hamster wheel. The emotion which led you to catharsis will still be there afterward, and if it made you feel good, you�ll seek it out again in the future.

Video games, horror movies, romance novels � all fun, but no psychologist would prescribe these outlets as a cure for anger or fear or loneliness.

Flailing in a mosh pit or screaming along to death metal doesn�t release your demons, it prolongs your angst.

Smashing plates or kicking doors after a fight with a roommate, spouse or lover doesn�t redirect your fury, it perpetuates your rancor.

If you spank your children while infuriated, remember you are reinforcing something inside yourself.

Common sense says venting is an important way to ease tension, but common sense is wrong. Venting � catharsis � is pouring fuel into a fire.
HeadHeldHigh,
Thanks a lot HHH, like I wanted to read a long article right now. lol.
Seriously, my WH is guilty of a lot of what is written in the article. He has gotten better over the years but he still goes off when he is angry. Reading the article brought back memories of how bad he was early on in our relationship. He was and still is(to a lesser degree) a ragger. My dad was also.
These 2 stuck out the most.
Smashing plates or kicking doors
someone cuts you off in traffic
I would also add one that both my dad and my WH do. The silent treatment.

Because of my dads rage I learned to be a conflict avoider (not good) and carried that into our marriage. It took me a long time to figure that out and work on my reaction rather than focus on WH's actions.

I have found the audio series "life's journey" very helpful. There is one called "Transcending our anger" that talks about this subject. Interesting note, the speaker talks about sexual aggression being another negative way of releasing anger....Hmmmmmmm.

This is from the link you posted.
The more effective approach is to just stop. Take your anger off of the stove. Let it go from a boil to a simmer to a lukewarm state where you no longer want to sink your teeth into the side of buffalo.

Still, cooling off is not the same thing as not dealing with your anger at all. Bushman suggests you delay your response, relax or distract yourself with an activity totally incompatible with aggression.


Like doing Sudoko puzzles? YAY!!!!!!!!!!


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
It also stops you from punching something else.

MUST NOT REPLY WITH SARCASTIC REMARK....

Where is my puzzle book?


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
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Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
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Originally Posted by hope3343
It is the season of "giving"...I packed up all the clothes that XH left behind in his rush to be with PP and handed them out this Thanksgiving to the homeless.

Ralph Lauren shirts, hillfigler, pringle...best dressed homeless in town.

Positive action vent...
If the clothes were that important to him he would have taken them. You did the right thing by giving them to someone who really needs them. I have been going through all my clothes as well as the kids clothes and giving them to the poor. I have 5 bags already. WH can take all his clothes with him. I will nicely tell him if he doesn't take it I will donate it to the poor for him. He has 3+ times as many clothes as I do. He has been talking about going through them for years now. No time like the present!


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Hey, I am allowed to have a pitty party if I want one! dramaqueen

rotflmao

Thank you for demonstrating the absolute perfect usage of a smiley to convey sarcasm!

Sadly, we are going to have pity parties if we want to or not. It's just going to happen. Grieving process and all.

I can post, research, think, know WHATEVER I want about psychology and human behavior, but my logical, rational self and my emotional self just aren't going to sync up.

I know, to an absolute, why FWW tacked that W on her W... er what?

Anyway - knowing that more than anything, it was about her lack of boundaries, does not make it hurt any less. It does not make it any less of a betrayal.

However, knowing these things, and having been able to dissect that, and discuss that - and both FWW and I having been emotionally honest with each other throughout this process - has given my rational logical self a twoxfour to use against my emotional self when he gets a little too loud.

Originally Posted by letgoletGod
I guess some posters don't agree with this thread and that is ok. I find it cleansing to say what I want so I don't say it to WH. I am actually less stressed and angry than I have been in a long time. The only thing that ticks me off is I haven't found the golden ticket. (undeniable proof of the affair) If I find that the party is on and I am not talking pity party!
Ok I am going to get serious here. As for pity, I am po'ed at him but I also pity him. Yes he is hurting me and the kids but we will be fine. He is the one who will suffer the most. He is just not thinking that far into the future. (Do they ever?) Now if you will excuse me I have a long letter to write. Good thing pens don't have spell check!

I actually [b]do[/i] agree with this thread. A place for everything, and a 2x4 to put it in it's place!

Or, a pat on the back when it's a good direction.

grin


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I actually did do a little Plan FU on my hubby way back when he was in the mood to avoid talking about or working on the fallout from his affair.

His lovely idea was that if we just didn't talk about it, he could "move on" and that I should figure out a way to compartmentalize it and accept that he would be a good boy.


I very IMpolitely informed him that if he did not start doing his work, that the facts showed I was likely to leave at the six-month mark.

And we were at the six-month mark. I was sick of his trickle truth and game playing about how I had to ask questions, and his little avoidance tactics - which were his attempt to avoid having to talk about ANYTHING that made him

"feel bad".


I pretty much told him I was through with his approach, and he would get on this bus or we were done.


Odd. He chose to get his bus pass in advance, and has been on the correct route since then.


I guess for some folks, all they really need is a Plan FU.

I do not recommend it, tho. It took a huge fight, hours of talking, and lots of making up work after that.


Vent here. Much safer.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Originally Posted by schoolbus
I pretty much told him I was through with his approach, and he would get on this bus or we were done.
Wow! So he got on the bus? Did you enjoy it?


BW 46
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Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
It also stops you from punching something else.

rotflmao You got that right.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
I can post, research, think, know WHATEVER I want about psychology and human behavior, but my logical, rational self and my emotional self just aren't going to sync up.
I think you should just sit those 2 down and make them get along. rant2

I'm right there with you, I think it is just normal human nature. No one is perfect. I also believe we learn more about ourselves as life goes on. I will continue to grow and learn until the day I leave this earth. That is a good thing. If I thought I knew it all, that would be a bad thing! I also try to avoid no-it-all's for this reason. If someone thinks they have nothing to learn, they have learned nothing.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
I can post, research, think, know WHATEVER I want about psychology and human behavior, but my logical, rational self and my emotional self just aren't going to sync up.
I think you should just sit those 2 down and make them get along. rant2

I'm right there with you, I think it is just normal human nature. No one is perfect. I also believe we learn more about ourselves as life goes on. I will continue to grow and learn until the day I leave this earth. That is a good thing. If I thought I knew it all, that would be a bad thing! I also try to avoid no-it-all's for this reason. If someone thinks they have nothing to learn, they have learned nothing.


I avoid know-it-all's as well.

I myself am a know-a-lot-of-nothing. Whatever I know, or whatever I find out, can always be proven wrong - or, there are always exceptions.

I really, really need to find this particular math equation. It was the best description as to why absolute thinking fails. The basic of it, is that the calculation is true to almost 4 million. In other words, the equation is always right until you get around 3,977,000 or so, and then the equation is no longer true.

What?

Well, even if it takes almost 4 million times to become untrue, the fact that it isn't when you reach that line, means that it absolutely is not "always true."

Nobody always or never anything.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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So yeah, ultimately he got on the bus!


Except, he had prostate cancer surgery right after d-day....so that ticket wasn't even validated for about a year.


rotflmao


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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My dad always says that the idea of 2+2=4 is stupid. He is a mathematician, and he has this logic about any number.

He says that you can only say this if you have two actual things, and add them to two more actual things of the same class. Then you have four things.

Otherwise, numbers are inexact. Is it really "2", or "2.00000001" and the calculator or human just rounded? Then it isn't "2" at all, is it. And how do you KNOW, unless it is two actual SOMETHINGS.


And those two things are perfectly intact.....



He drove us crazy with his stuff.

I guess you could apply this to affairs:

One actual PA, one near PA, one EA, and one online chatting/flirting session......

equals

Four affairs.


Of greater or lesser......value?


Sheesh

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Originally Posted by schoolbus
My dad always says that the idea of 2+2=4 is stupid. He is a mathematician, and he has this logic about any number.

He says that you can only say this if you have two actual things, and add them to two more actual things of the same class. Then you have four things.

Otherwise, numbers are inexact. Is it really "2", or "2.00000001" and the calculator or human just rounded? Then it isn't "2" at all, is it. And how do you KNOW, unless it is two actual SOMETHINGS.


And those two things are perfectly intact.....



He drove us crazy with his stuff.

I guess you could apply this to affairs:

One actual PA, one near PA, one EA, and one online chatting/flirting session......

equals

Four affairs.


Of greater or lesser......value?


Sheesh

SB

Pretty much.

I've rolled that around... bad habit, I know... but I have.

Would I be as angry if it was a "soulmate" situation, instead of dirty teenage boinking?

If it was only once?

Would I have stayed if I had to fight?

Don't know, don't wanna know. I have my situation, and I can't really project that anywhere else - not just because it is it's own thing, but how I feel about it may not be the same as someone else would.

I think the math instructor at the CC here would take that a step further for you;

2+2=4... however, if it's an apple and an orange + a pear and a grapefruit, you may have four fruits, but they are all different.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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btw- what is this smiley doing?


dramaqueen
Is it stabbed in the back? Is it's hair on fire? what is the purple thing? a pillow?

Last edited by barbiecat; 12/10/10 08:05 AM.

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drama queen!

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Originally Posted by schoolbus
My dad always says that the idea of 2+2=4 is stupid. He is a mathematician, and he has this logic about any number.

He says that you can only say this if you have two actual things, and add them to two more actual things of the same class. Then you have four things.

Otherwise, numbers are inexact. Is it really "2", or "2.00000001" and the calculator or human just rounded? Then it isn't "2" at all, is it. And how do you KNOW, unless it is two actual SOMETHINGS.

I think your dad and I could have quite the conversations! This sounds like something I would say. doh2

My mom would say "the sky is blue" just to point out that I'm arguing. When technically, when you get right down to it, the sky is NOT really blue........

Last edited by wildhorses74; 12/10/10 03:34 PM.
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Originally Posted by schoolbus
So yeah, ultimately he got on the bus!


Except, he had prostate cancer surgery right after d-day....so that ticket wasn't even validated for about a year.


rotflmao
heh heh... I hope he is fine now and rides the bus on a regular basis.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
2+2=4... however, if it's an apple and an orange + a pear and a grapefruit, you may have four fruits, but they are all different.
So if it is an apple, orange, pear or grapefruit they are all fruits? think


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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I don't think venting here is bad. I feel very strongly that getting my frustrations out on paper, on a thread, WHEREVER helped me purge some of the angst and heartache that I couldn't seem to get out of my soul. It helped me to have others put some of that in perspective and help me deal with it differently/better.

or just so I knew I was not alone.

You are not alone.

and it is okay to be mad.

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Originally Posted by wildhorses74
My mom would say "the sky is blue" just to point out that I'm arguing. When technically, when you get right down to it, the sky is NOT really blue........
My kids do this all the time. One little thing that drove me nuts was when I would say "It's 8PM time for bed." Then I would get the "no it isn't, it is 7:59." Then there was the endless conversation about the sky. "What if there were no clouds. What if it doesn't rain. What will happen to the plants etc. " This was a conversation with my then 4 year old that went on for days. Then she hit me with "what if there was nothing in the sky?" I said "then it wouldn't rain and the sun wouldn't shine." She said "NO MOM I mean NOTHING in the sky." Now these are the conversations at 4, you can imagine what she is asking about now. wink


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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