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Oh, my, my, my. Stuck, some BS's would give their dominant arm for the weapons you've got!

Look at this:
Your WW doesn't appear to have a job, or if she does it doesn't pay much. Is that correct? So..let her storm out! Let her leave!! Where is she going to go? To OM's and his girlfriend's place?? (and believe me, they aren't estranged and NO ONE is sleeping in the basement. That line has been around for as long as there have been waywards.)

And speaking of the girlfriend??! This guy has a live-in girlfriend??? Wahhoo - that's a prime exposure target! hurray

Go to: www.intelius.com
This is a website where you put in the person's name, and it brings up their info if available. Even better, it will also bring up associated names. If he's been living with GF for that long, her name is going to come up.

Google them on FB and see if she has a FB page. You need to expose to this woman. This could be the single action that will put the fork in this A.

Yep, you go park your butt in your marital home. If she insists upon flaunting this by calling OM in front of you, disrupt her conversation. Follow her from room to room, repeating "You will not conduct this filty affair in your marital home. End the call or go outside and stand on the sidewalk!"

No, you're not nearly ready to go to Plan B yet. You've got plenty to work with, here.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Stuck,

Welcome to MB, sorry you find yourself here. Your situation and mine are similar in that we both still want to save our marriages, and our WS are both cake-eaters. The only difference is, my WS is now out of the house. I did the same thing you did early on, and left my home. I did it on condition that WS have NC with OM. In less that a week, I discovered that she had still been in contact, and I moved back home that day. After a trip to her sister's, during which WS was again promising NC, I found out again that NC had been breached, confronted WS and told her it was time to make a decision- OM or me and the kids. She requested that I setup a separate bedroom for her to come home to. I refused, told her she could come home with a commitment of NC. She moved out. I understand what you mean about WS becoming closer to you, but I caution you that as long as she is in contact with OM, she is likely to waffle back and forth between the two of you. This truly sucks (I know, because that is where I am now). My advice to you is: (1) Get back into your house ASAP, (2) Expose to as many people as possible, (3) Do the best Plan A that you can, remembering the carrot & the stick, (4) Get prepared for a Plan B in which you go completely dark on her. It sounds to me as if she still has strong feelings for her, and I feel that by doing a good Plan A, then a very dark Plan B, the contrast effect will be significant. That is what I am attempting to do now. Good luck.


BS(me)- 44
WS- 41
D-day #1- (EA) 08/02/2010
D-day #2- (PA) 09/24/2010
WS moved out- 11/11/2010
NC- 02/21/2011
Plan A
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That looks like such a useful website, but I'm not sure if he's on there or not. I know his name, I know his age, but there are only 2 on there that are close... I need to find just a LITTLE more information before I can find this girlfriend. I'd really like to though. I feel like she HAS to know (since her man has been out of the house so much, sometimes overnight, and at weird hours...how could she not?) and I hear my WW has been over to his house at least once. Ooooh how I wish I had just that little bit of extra info so I could talk to the girlfriend.

But again, maybe she knows, and doesn't care.

And yes, she has a job (she's a musician) that pays decently but sporadically. Part of what wooed her so much is that this guy, the OM, is a relatively successful local musician that dazzled her with his success and talent and...barf. Just reading so much about him on the internet is giving me an inferiority complex. I just wanna find his GF, not read about his musical exploits, thanks Web.

So yes, she'd have trouble surviving on her own. But she could do it. In hindsight I should've been much more firm in that first week, but I didn't know any better. The situation would've been better now. But, I guess none of us are prepared for this kind of bomb, so we usually don't handle it as responsibly as we'd like...


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Check his facebook. Get your WW's passwords (keylogger or guess) and then look at his page. Odds are his GF is there. Expose to her then.

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Unfortunately, it's not that easy. He's a musician who is (sort of) in the public eye, and as such, most of his personal information is locked down tight. I'm not going to give up this easily, but it's not been as easy as I hoped thus far.

I do get the feeling that his girlfriend HAS to know, and HAS to not really care. How could this have gone on so long without her noticing? I know he's been out overnight at LEAST a few times. If they really are not intimate, and if he's really living in the basement, then maybe she won't care at all what's going on.

Well. Today is an angry day. While I still don't know what I'm going to do, specifically, today I've overwhelmed by the logistics of separating our finances and lives, dealing with Christmas...and a boiling vat of anger that started to bubble over this morning, because of her betrayal. Sigh. I'm off to try and breathe and work through the anger productively. Somehow.


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Quote
I do get the feeling that his girlfriend HAS to know, and HAS to not really care. How could this have gone on so long without her noticing? I know he's been out overnight at LEAST a few times. If they really are not intimate, and if he's really living in the basement, then maybe she won't care at all what's going on.
Don't make the mistake of 'getting feelings' like this and choosing inaction because of them. You can have all the 'feelings' you like. Expose to her and you will KNOW.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by StuckWaiting
He's a musician who is (sort of) in the public eye,

So his gig schedule should be available on the internet, yes? Pick a night when he's performing, drop by his apartment, and talk to his GF. Take proof with you.

Last edited by bitbucket; 12/21/10 11:29 AM.

Me - 44
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Married 16 years
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That sounds easy, but I don't know where he lives. That information is not available.

I really want to contact her. But I need to find out how. I have to do some more digging. I don't know if it's even possible.

I believe she has only been to his place once, and he was very reluctant to let her do so... so I doubt that information is in her e-mail or anything.

Furthermore, the act of looking up so much information on him is painful for me, in itself. I got pretty emotional yesterday after I spent about half an hour looking. This makes it tougher. Every time I see his name it's a reminder, I slap in the face.

Last edited by StuckWaiting; 12/21/10 11:57 AM.

BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Small update--my WW's mother (who adores me, thankfully) has said she will try to do some research on OM for me. She says she's pretty good at digging up info.

If she can find out where he lives, or the name of the OM or his girlfriend, or his live-in mother (sounds like a piece of work, huh?) she'll let me know. And either her, or me, will tell OM's family what is going on.

That's a bit of good news for now.


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Ok, now I could use a little bit of grounding, folks.

Through a handy website titled www.pipl.com and using some thorough sleuthing skills, I found add'l information on the OM...including his full name and address. No word on the name of his girlfriend. But, since the address is there, it's theoretically possible for me or someone else to show up there when his car is gone, with proof, and inform the girlfriend and/or mom of this affair. If they don't know already. And hope they care.

I feel like I'm intruding somehow. Is this going too far? I guess the info is all public record...

I'm not going to say anything just yet--and in fact, my mother-in-law might be the one to expose it to the family. I guess I could use a little reassurance that I'm not being a crazy stalker, this feels....weird to me.


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Oh Stuck.
I know you are afraid, but tell me, how is that attractive?
If I told you that in 8 years, you would have days where you still feel like you do today, how does that make it sound for you down the road?


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by StuckWaiting
Ok, now I could use a little bit of grounding, folks.

Through a handy website titled www.pipl.com and using some thorough sleuthing skills, I found add'l information on the OM...including his full name and address. No word on the name of his girlfriend. But, since the address is there, it's theoretically possible for me or someone else to show up there when his car is gone, with proof, and inform the girlfriend and/or mom of this affair. If they don't know already. And hope they care.

I feel like I'm intruding somehow. Is this going too far? I guess the info is all public record...

I'm not going to say anything just yet--and in fact, my mother-in-law might be the one to expose it to the family. I guess I could use a little reassurance that I'm not being a crazy stalker, this feels....weird to me.
I'm sure it DOES feel weird. It goes against everything you ever learned about privacy and personal actions. So - throw all those old notions away, Stuck. They no longer serve you. This is a new time, a new situation. And it requires new thought on your part. You are no longer the Keeper of your WW's personal secrets. Those secrets are harming everyone around her - especially you and your marriage. Time to throw open the doors and SHINE THE LIGHT ON THIS AFFAIR.

I'll tell you what really pisses me off to this day: the OWH in my sitch could have talked to me almost FOUR months before I found out. I am not impressed that he chose to 'not be a stalker' and was an enabler in the destruction of my marriage by his waffling. rant2 Do OM's GF a favor and don't tell her how long you sat on your hands before you decided it was time to be a standup guy. It won't upset her to hear it - it WILL upset her to hear that you knew this terrible info about her life and decided you didn't feel like telling her.

And I wouldn't let your MIL do the work, either. You've got the club, friend. Swing it.















































D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Thanks for the tips, guys. For the first time in weeks, I actually feel pretty empowered.

I will be swinging this club. And it will be good. Not sure when I'm going to do it, but it will be SOON, very soon.

I will keep everyone updated.


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
Joined: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted by StuckWaiting
I will be swinging this club. And it will be good. Not sure when I'm going to do it, but it will be SOON, very soon.

If I had a nickel for everytime a BH said this..... most don't follow through. Your actions will speak for themselves, so this is my challenge: make us believe you.

And don't delude yourself that his GF knows and "doesn't care". Do you think that fits with OM being "reluctant" to let your WW over to his apt.?

We've seen this script a thousand times. Trust us. Expose to the GF, and watch that OM weasel scurry home with his tail between his legs and throw your WW under the bus.

Have you moved back home yet?


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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If I hadn't exposed when I did, my WW and the OM would have still been in the fog of their fantasy, and they both would have filed for divorce and went forward with their grand plan.

Thank God I confronted both before it was too late, and now my wife and I are on our road to recovery, three months after no contact with the OM. The OM is in a nasty divorce right now.

Believe me, it pays to screw up their "dirty little secret" as quickly as possible. If you wait, your chances for saving your marriage get slimmer by the day.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Did you read Reynolds forum? After he exposed to OM GF, OM wanted nothing to do with WW.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2443936#Post2443936

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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Hey Stuck, what is the latest?


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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I just read Reynold's forum--that's very encouraging. Here's the status, as of today.

Last night, I had a good "date night" with WS. This had been planned for several days, as she's been initiating contact with me more and more lately. We took a dance lesson with a couple friend of ours, then went to a happy hour (the couple we went with knows our story, so it felt strange but wasn't awkward at all). We had a talk at the end of the night, not too heavy but she indicated that she was figuring out "she just wanted to be loved" and also "that nobody else loves her like I do." I count the night as a success for me. No SF or anything, but a goodnight kiss was a good sign.

Apparently she's leaning towards reconciling, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

OM is still texting her and trying to call, but she told him she wants space. I don't know how much he's pestering her, or if she's given in and seen him. I haven't put my foot down for NC yet because I think she's stuck in the middle, and it would be an ultimatum that would drive her towards him.......as of now. I plan to expose the A to OM's family tonight or tomorrow night. The A has been exposed to the entire world, EXCEPT OM's family, which is the reason the A has been squelched as much as it has been. WW is apparently getting irritated that OM is ignoring her wishes for distance from him, and if this is the case, maybe this final exposure is all it will take to kill the A for good.

She's still not showing remorse yet. I think in her mind, everything was justified because "she was planning on initiating the divorce anyway" and everything that happened when we were "separated" against my will wasn't cheating. Some kind of remorse is necessary before I can fully reconcile. But, she's not sure she will be able to give 100% to repairing our marriage yet.

I'm not back in the house yet. I really do feel that moving back in, even into the spare bedroom, will be seen as coming on too strong and will smother her. She is nothing if not independent, and has been our whole marriage. I can't make her feel trapped or it will undo what has been done thus far.


BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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Update con't--other important information...

She has a New Year's Eve show in our hometown. Her bandmates (who have much more sway than her, since she's the newest member) haven't decided if OM will be performing with them or not (he was originally supposed to, and when A was exposed they balked).

She said yesterday she didn't know if I should come to the NYE show or not--she implied she wanted me to, but wouldn't want to make me see OM because she knows I'd want to break his kneecaps. I've never missed a local show of hers before.

Re: the future, the band likes me enough it's possible they'd cut off performing with OM for the sake of our marriage (she is invaluable, and they like me a lot, while OM is nothing more than a throw-in). If that doesn't happen, NC will be very hard to accomplish, though he will never travel with them and only be at local shows where I could attend also.

It still complicates the situation, and I'm very aware of the challenges posed by the professional relationship.

No, she would never give up her career, not for her M, the OM, or anyone.

Last edited by StuckWaiting; 12/22/10 04:30 PM.

BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.

In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Originally Posted by StuckWaiting
Update con't--other important information...

She has a New Year's Eve show in our hometown. Her bandmates (who have much more sway than her, since she's the newest member) haven't decided if OM will be performing with them or not (he was originally supposed to, and when A was exposed they balked).

She said yesterday she didn't know if I should come to the NYE show or not--she implied she wanted me to, but wouldn't want to make me see OM because she knows I'd want to break his kneecaps. I've never missed a local show of hers before.

Re: the future, the band likes me enough it's possible they'd cut off performing with OM for the sake of our marriage (she is invaluable, and they like me a lot, while OM is nothing more than a throw-in). If that doesn't happen, NC will be very hard to accomplish, though he will never travel with them and only be at local shows where I could attend also.

It still complicates the situation, and I'm very aware of the challenges posed by the professional relationship.

No, she would never give up her career, not for her M, the OM, or anyone.
I don't like this one bit, Stuck. Not one bit.

WW is performing with OM and doesn't want you there? WW shouldn't be performing with him at all.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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