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He sent me texts throughout the day, asking if I was ok; offering to talk -- it just sort of struck me as sick after awhile. What makes him think he can be a support to me? I just don't get it.

Again, bf - he's doing this to make himself feel better about dumping you and wrecking the family (see what a great guy I am? I try to support my XW even though I threw her away like trash), and most of all he's doing this so he can have a "fantasy divorce". You might want to look at that link again, on the first page of this thread.

You will feel much better if you get an intermediary for the kids and have NO further contact with him.

Does his girlfriend know he's contacting you like this?


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I don't know if she does, but I'm guessing so. I had an intermediary previously and that was helpful at the time. I didn't do a plan b very well, but in the past year I have incrementally distanced myself more and more. I don't see him or talk to him anymore. He is not allowed in my house; I do not go to his house to pick up the kids. We communicate via text and email re: the kids only and I am ok with that. Even when he was texting 'concern' I didn't respond with anything other than 'I'm fine,' or nothing. For the past two months, I have done better with distancing myself.
I just wish I felt really content in my life, not still a sense of loss. I know this is a long process -- just 'keep calm and carry on!' That quote by Winston Churchill is my favorite right now.
I will reread the thread, thank you Mulan. I always feel better when I post here... hurray


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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I have been reading quite a bit on the 'Surviving an Affair' forum and I almost wish I had started my thread there! The reason I posted here is, I thought, 'well, your divorced now - no hope of recovery, so I guess this is where you belong..'(note the self-pity!) wink
Buuttt, what I realized is even though I am divorced, I am still recovering from XWH's affair. I am more of a BS than a newly-divorced-lady-on-the-prowl... That makes me laugh just to type that!!! I am so not on the prowl, its not even funny!
Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes I beat myself up because I am not in a different place, but when I read through some of the threads, I am reminded of what I have been through. I am also reminded of how far I have come, too!
It has been pretty cold and snowy here in Ohio and I really miss having a partner when I have to take care of my kids all on my own, but I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I feel overwhelmed; I feel proud (for what I do accomplish) I feel lonely; I feel excited about possibility. Its so amazing to me to feel all these things and still feel good about my life! All of this without my XWH -- I guess I didn't need a wayward after all. I think I am better off alone, than dealing with his craziness!! Ooh Progress!


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Hey BF!

You have come a long way!! I remember posting to you quite a bit when you were in the thick of it. You seem to be doing very well for yourself.

If you are starting to want companionship then get yourself out there and meet people! You have a lot to offer! There is some lucky guy out there right now that doesn't even realize that his life is going to change for the better when he meets you. No big rush to find him but I think it's time for you to at least test the temperature of the water. It's a healthy thing for you to do.

Just my 2 cents.....

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Thanks, mindshare! I have gone on LOTS of coffee dates, but I realized that I just wasn't ready. I made a couple of very nice male friends, though, so I have some nice guys to go out to dinner with or help me with house projects. Just no romantic interest there for me...
When I think about getting involved, I think about how much it hurt to lose someone. Not the best mindset, so I guess that just means I need more time.
I am going out tonight to see a band that plays 'latin-inspired surfer Christmas" music -- who knows, maybe there will be an interesting man there. That's got to attract an interesting crowd!


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Originally Posted by bestfriend439
When I think about getting involved, I think about how much it hurt to lose someone. Not the best mindset, so I guess that just means I need more time.

Be careful with this BF. You could be right about needing more time and that is fine. However, if you let your fear of getting hurt again prevent you from putting yourself out there then you may never find that happiness and that special guy. We are all afraid to get hurt. I know I am. But, I also realize that if I don't run that risk then I'm destined to be alone and lonely. That is not the way I intend to live out my life and neither should you.

No big hurries, but don't let your fear paralyze you either. He's out there. I hope he finds you sometime soon and you are brave enough to let him get close.

Enjoy the fun music tonight!!

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You really want to meet (nice, if very chatty) men? Start watching Star Trek, preferably TNG, like I have.

They'll swarm you. stickout


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
You really want to meet (nice, if very chatty) men? Start watching Star Trek, preferably TNG, like I have.

They'll swarm you. stickout

But... but... but... then they'll want to assimilate you!

grin


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks, everyone! I have had a couple of really wonderful weeks with my kids and family and friends. I am truly blessed!
The only direct contact I had with XWH was on Christmas when he came to get the kids. I took out a box of gifts that were for his family the next day. I have always given them gifts - simple ones and I have no intention to change that. He was pissy! He made the comment, "I didn't even get my brother anything." All I gave to his brother was some cookies and candy, for pete's sake. Truly, not a huge deal, but the exchange was enough to bring me to tears.
I've been reading vivi's thread on the other forum and I was really struck by the convo about plan a or b. I get now, how I cannot heal with contact with XWH. I allow him to define reality for me and he is not fit to drive my bus. Only with continued distance will I truly be able to recover.


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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I listened to the Harley's radio broadcast today for the first time. It was really helpful - especially the part about not worrying about 'being friends' with XWH. The best thing for my recovery is to take care of myself, and as long as he is with his AP, there is no point having him in my life.
I have also resolved to be more consistent about asking for help. I felt very resentful last night as I tried to do all the chores; kids were unhelpful and, of course XWH, isnt around. I realized I need more me time and that its ok to take it and have it.
I'll post more on this later -- got to get back to work!


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Riddle me this... xWH persists at asking if I will drop kids off at his house after I have said repeatedly that I will not go to POSOW's house (they live together). Further, he has asked again if I want to attend teacher conferences with him. Um, no, I choose not to be in the same room with him for my own well-being. Would that change if there is a teacher there? Nope.

Two phrases keep running through my head this week:
A wayward is by definition cruel.
And
I am no more interested in a friendship with xWH than I would be with someone who raped me.


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Originally Posted by bestfriend439
Riddle me this... xWH persists at asking if I will drop kids off at his house after I have said repeatedly that I will not go to POSOW's house (they live together). Further, he has asked again if I want to attend teacher conferences with him. Um, no, I choose not to be in the same room with him for my own well-being. Would that change if there is a teacher there? Nope.

Two phrases keep running through my head this week:
A wayward is by definition cruel.
And
I am no more interested in a friendship with xWH than I would be with someone who raped me.
Attagirl, bf439! Stick to your guns. I'm like you -- NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. If you can avoid any dealings with your WWxH, then do so. If you have an intermediary (IM) or can arrange for one, more power to you.

There is no reason to vindicate or validate the behavior of a wayward.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks, Fred! I think I did a lot of LB-early on, from anger/shock and lack of self control and lord knows, my plan B fizzled as soon as xWH said the d-word, but the stronger I get, the darker I go. The darker I go, the stronger I get.
I can't say it enough, plan B is for the BS's recovery!


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Uugh.. Feeling resentful tonight. Spent the weekend cleaning, laundry, etc and my kids come home from XWH with attitude. I feel completely unappreciated and lonely. I am ok without a dating partner, but, d*mn, it's so hard to parent alone!


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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BF,

Please excuse the harshness of the phrase, but you need to "get a life"!!! I realize that chores need to get done but when your kids are away for the weekend with XWH then you should be planning and doing fun things for yourself!! You need to get out and about and live life! I would be sad and resentful as well if I spent the entire weekend doing chores around the house.

You seem to be in a bit of a rut lately. Pull youself out of it!! You can do this! Go out and live life! Look forward to your free weekends without the kids because you have so much fun stuff planned for yourself!!!

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Originally Posted by mindshare
BF,

Please excuse the harshness of the phrase, but you need to "get a life"!!! I realize that chores need to get done but when your kids are away for the weekend with XWH then you should be planning and doing fun things for yourself!! You need to get out and about and live life! I would be sad and resentful as well if I spent the entire weekend doing chores around the house.

You seem to be in a bit of a rut lately. Pull youself out of it!! You can do this! Go out and live life! Look forward to your free weekends without the kids because you have so much fun stuff planned for yourself!!!
LOl! No offense taken - my kids would probably say the same thing!

I almost feel like I did better before the D was final. I was hanging out with friends, going to yoga, meeting new people.
Now, I just don't have the heart to do it. I went out to a show on Saturday (an Elvis-a-thon, mind you) and I just couldn't get into it. I left early.

Sometimes, just getting through the week of day-to-day with my kids feels like all I can do.

I did ask XWH to pick up DD6 right after school on his day, because that will give me one day after work to just do whatever.

I am in a rut -- yuck... sigh


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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So why aren't you contacting those nice guys that you met on your earlier coffee dates and going out to lunch or dinner? You need to get out of the house! The more you don't live your life the more the depression and sorrow will take over.

I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive, but I think you should start dating in earnest. It has been a year since your divorce. Odds are that you are going to 'kiss some frogs' before you find prince charming. So, why not get the frogs out of the way? smile I think it would do you a world of good.

What part of the country do you live in? Is it warm or cold in your area now?



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I live in Ohio and it is a**-biting cold today! I do still have two of the guys I met in my life. They are good friends and actually take me out to eat and get me involved.

I have been on Match and that's where I met them, but now I seem to get absolutely no interesting matches! I wonder if you are on it too long, do people avoid you like the plague?

Hmm...date in earnest, rather than date because I told myself I 'should?' Interesting concept... smile


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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arrghh!! I came home today thinking that XWH would have already picked up all the kids and be gone. Nope. He's in my driveway in POSOW's car -- oh, wait, he's not in the car, he's in my house?!?!?!? mad

So, I firmly say to him as I get out of my car, do not go into my house. I get reasons ( the kids wouldn't come out, the six year old couldn't get DS13 to come out; no one would answer the home phone, etc).

Guess what? I DON'T CARE!

If he were my friend; if he hadn't detroyed my trust and respect in him, I would not care if he comes in. But he did and I do and he has this habit of violating my boundaries and then making it look as though I am unreasonable.

Whatever. MrRollieEyes

Anyway, I sent a succinct text afterwards requesting that he try DD15's phone and if he could not reach anyone still, to contact me. It is my house and he needs to check with me. Period.

Will he ever get that I don't want him in my life because he is still a wayward? Will he be wayward forever?


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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BF, perhaps if you were to change your abbreviations it would resonate with you a bit more.

You wrote "XWH" which to me means "ex-wayward husband." If you were to write "WXH" it would mean "wayward ex-husband" to me.

Which is what you are describing. He is your ex-husband. And he's still wayward.

Whether or not he remains wayward is unknown. However, he will remain your ex-husband. At least unless and until you, he and God have a change of heart.

I think you are right to want no part of him in your life. If need be, see if you can't get someone to act as an intermediary (IM) between the two of you when it comes to things like this.

Then you really won't have to have any interaction with him.

Just my $.02.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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