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My opinion as a FWW, Northwood, is that you go with her - Be Assumptive - LEAD - As in "Of course, I'm going with you! You and I are in this together - Our marriage is something that we value and protect together from this point on - We are a TEAM - I CHERISH you and will be there every step of the way with you"... She has said she is nervous - YOU are her rock - YOU are her support system - YOU are her soft place to fall [I know, ironic being that you are the victim - sigh...] - YOU are in her corner - Still standing even though she has delivered a mighty blow to you - YOU are her protector - Her HERO...Her MAN...

My .02...

Mrs. W


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Originally Posted by Northwood3312
Me again. Ok, what should I do today?

1. NC letter
2. Cell phones--cancel hers or just keep it myself since it's that number that she has on job applications or what? Just trying to be realistic but cautious as well.
3. Email addresses. I'm going to want to see the secret email account. What about her normal account? Again, it's on job applications...but still! Should I change the password and relay anything important to her? Or just close it.

How do y'all do this?
North, you've been pretty busy. Here's what I suggest for today:

Talk to your WW and get the story from her. Let her know your requirements for recovering the M, which should be:

SHE is to write a NC letter. You will read it, approve it and mail it to OM.
She is to leave her job immediately. You've already got that covered.
She is to give you all passwords and complete access to every account she's got, email, financial & otherwise.
I missed it - is she on FB? She needs to shut that down.
You will need to change her cell phone number. For today, switch phones with her.

She needs to disclose everything to you today. The rest of it can go til tomorrow, except for taking her cell phone. Get that today. I'm not sure where you are, time-zone-wise, but it's starting to get late. You can accomplish more of this tomorrow.

Go out to dinner to a place you both enjoy - take a break from this drama, because it can be exhausting. Remember, you're rebuilding Rome. And how many days did that take? wink

Tackle delivering the resignation letter and NC letter first thing tomorrow.


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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
My opinion as a FWW, Northwood, is that you go with her - Be Assumptive - LEAD - As in "Of course, I'm going with you! You and I are in this together - Our marriage is something that we value and protect together from this point on - We are a TEAM - I CHERISH you and will be there every step of the way with you"... She has said she is nervous - YOU are her rock - YOU are her support system - YOU are her soft place to fall [I know, ironic being that you are the victim - sigh...] - YOU are in her corner - Still standing even though she has delivered a mighty blow to you - YOU are her protector - Her HERO...Her MAN...

My .02...

Mrs. W

From what I've heard, I think that's what she needs now. Thanks for your two pennies!


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
North, you've been pretty busy. Here's what I suggest for today:

Talk to your WW and get the story from her. Let her know your requirements for recovering the M, which should be:

SHE is to write a NC letter. You will read it, approve it and mail it to OM.
She is to leave her job immediately. You've already got that covered.
She is to give you all passwords and complete access to every account she's got, email, financial & otherwise.
I missed it - is she on FB? She needs to shut that down.
You will need to change her cell phone number. For today, switch phones with her.

She needs to disclose everything to you today. The rest of it can go til tomorrow, except for taking her cell phone. Get that today. I'm not sure where you are, time-zone-wise, but it's starting to get late. You can accomplish more of this tomorrow.

Go out to dinner to a place you both enjoy - take a break from this drama, because it can be exhausting. Remember, you're rebuilding Rome. And how many days did that take? wink

Tackle delivering the resignation letter and NC letter first thing tomorrow.

Ok, for the NC letter I'll have her write it but, in the back of my mind, will have a MB NC letter as a template. Since SHE has to write this, that may be a fine line for me to ride but this has to pass muster.

Will get the passwords, email, etc.

She was on Facebook but cancelled the account a few weeks ago. She never said why.

I'll get the cellphone, too. It's going to be a mess with the myriad of job applications that are out there with that number on it, but that's the price that has to be paid, isn't it.

One last question. Other than having the email passwords and closing the affair account, shouldn't her "normal" accounts be closed as well? I guess just forward the new address to family (she lost all of her friends in this) and leave it at that?


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One last question. Other than having the email passwords and closing the affair account, shouldn't her "normal" accounts be closed as well? I guess just forward the new address to family (she lost all of her friends in this) and leave it at that?
Yes, they should. ANY avenue of potential contact has to be closed.

And: you'll need to buy a keylogger and get it on her computer. Without her knowledge, of course. It will be your eyes when you're not right there with her and it will alert you to any attempt at contact.
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Get the eblaser. Worth its weight in gold.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
And: you'll need to buy a keylogger and get it on her computer. Without her knowledge, of course. It will be your eyes when you're not right there with her and it will alert you to any attempt at contact.
www.spectorpro.com
Get the eblaser. Worth its weight in gold.

I put eblaster on a while back. I suspect OM was tech savy and warned her to be careful. Maybe he got busted by his W when he cheated? Regardless, she doesn't know about it but there wasn't much to be found since she had her cell phone. Cell phones with internet access are the new thing now it seems.


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I put eblaster on a while back. I suspect OM was tech savy and warned her to be careful. Maybe he got busted by his W when he cheated? Regardless, she doesn't know about it but there wasn't much to be found since she had her cell phone. Cell phones with internet access are the new thing now it seems.
Understood. But it's good to cover that base. Oh, and North? I'd make sure her cell phone no longer has internet capability.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Oh, and North? I'd make sure her cell phone no longer has internet capability.

Yep, that's on the list. Along those lines, any suggestions for getting that secret Yahoo email account without disclosing that her phone is logged? It's the only way I found out about it (still don't know the email address). That's going to be the test.


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North,

I am new to MB, but I am tech saavy. Go to emailfinders.com. Sign up. You can look up phone records, email records, social networking records and get public background checks. They cost from $5 - $30 but well worth it. Enter your W's name and search. It will display email addy's associated with that name - also will show any social network listings for that name.

It will allow you to email that addy and show you a portion of that address so you are sure it is the right one. In your case it will be W***.yahoo.com with "W" being the portion they show you. From there you have to guess, but puts you closer to your answer. It may not be hard to guess - wasn't in the case of my W.

This may or may not work depending upon how much you know about the address or not and how secretive your W was when setting it up. Generally she has to link it to some legit info to get it, like another email address where she would have to confirm the new one when it first opens up.

Hope this works, or at least helps. Good Luck - rooting for you.

T10


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Originally Posted by Teetering10
Generally she has to link it to some legit info to get it, like another email address where she would have to confirm the new one when it first opens up.

Hope this works, or at least helps. Good Luck - rooting for you.

T10

Thanks for the tip, will take a look at it. I tried the "Forgot user name" by entering in various email addresses that may have served as backup. No dice.


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It's been a long day, but here is how it ended. I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions in case I'm missing something. My WW got a big wake-up call today by her mom and dad. I saw how exposure, done firmly but tempered with caring and love, made a huge difference. I didn't envy her. In no particular order...

1. NC email sent to OM which said

OM, It was a mistake getting involved with you. Working on rebuilding my marriage and family and don't want any further contact from you.
Please respect my wishes. WW

2. Reply to NC email by OM said "I'll respect your wishes and will not contact you."

3. Wife deleted email accounts but did not disclose the infamous Yahoo email account. I'm wary of this.

4. Wife quit her job this afternoon. Obviously, no reason for me to expose to workplace though it was next on my list.

5. Wife agreed to full NC and that she would tell me if OM tried to contact her. She seems to realize the importance of this and was very humble this evening.

6. Wife gave me password for new email account. I reciprocated and gave her the password to my everyday email--but, my MB notifications go to my keylogger email, though, and that stays in my pocket.

7. Wife agreed to change cell phone number and, until that's done, let me have the phone.

8. Wife apologized, said she's sorry she hurt me and our family, asked for forgiveness but noted that she didn't expect me to come around immediately. She's still waiting for the other shoe to drop as I typically stew over things for a while (day or so) before reacting. I promised that if I felt angry in the next day or so that we'd discuss it. I have no history of yelling or violence--more of a silently peeved off kind of guy.

9. Wife wants to discontinue seeing current MC. She said it was of no good and I'd agree. Thinking about it now, exposure was the best thing I ever did. I'm amazed at the result.

10. Wife says she is not well and wants to get fixed (psychologically). She says there are underlying issues with her mother as well. She regrets having drifted from God. I think she's coming to terms with things and I saw a glimer of the "normal" wife that I married.

11. Wife says that the number one reason she decided to stay was for the kids. But, she feels that if she gets herself worked out and reconnects with God that her outlook marriage will work itself out.

Promising, I suppose, since the kids are the catalyst for this marriage at this time. Or is there a little fog babble mixed in there?

Ok, here's where we both LB'd each other:

I told her that it made me nervous to hear her phone ding with an email or text alert. I said that I was in self-preservation mode here and asked her, when the cell phone is changed, to discontinue text and internet on it.

That hit a nerve. She responded that texting was how she communicated with her sister [true, but it's also how you communicated with OM but I didn't say that] and could we negotiate that? This was all said with a roll of the eyes.

I didn't break eye contact and didn't say a word. About five seconds passed, and she said (sarcastically) fine, if that's what you want. I said thanks, I appreciate your doing that.

Later she said it really bothered her, that she knew she effed up, that I was right to be concerned, but she felt like I was grounding her or treating her like a 15 year old with the request to disable texting/internet.

I said "Well, I understand where you're coming from and it's not my intention to be an overbearing watchdog or to belittle you. I don't want to do it, but everytime I hear your phone ding I'll think of OM. It's a huge trigger for me. Do you see where I'm coming from?" Yes, she said.

In other words DAMMIT! YOUR NEW JOB IS TO MAKE ME TRUST YOU AND THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO DO IT!!

This is going to come up again. I think I handled it well by, basically, not saying much of anything, but would appreciate input on how to go about that.

Too, without the internet phone, she'll be forced to use her laptop (with keylogger) if she wants to access the suspected Yahoo email account. It's the one missing piece. If nothing turns up in the next day or so, I may breathe a little easier.






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She will swing back and forth, it is an addiction there is a very good chance that she will contact him. As part of recovery she should be giving you full transparency, no drip feeding information, he other email account is a cause for concern. Keep to blocking Internet and testing it will make her think. If she uses controlling again keep to your script , do not waver , trust has to be earned, of she says she has revealed everything well you know differently.

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If WW was using the browser on her phone to access the secret yahoo account, you might see that in the browser history, and then have a "legitimate" reason to ask her about it...and if there are any other email accounts she wants to disclose?

I still think you should expose OM at work. His employer should know the truth about why one of their employees quit with no notice. For all the employer knows, OM could just turn around and go after the next married woman in line - running the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit or a crazed husband coming to the workplace and shooting the place up. At the very least it would put OM on notice that his antics will no longer be tolerated.


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Originally Posted by bitbucket
I still think you should expose OM at work. His employer should know the truth about why one of their employees quit with no notice. For all the employer knows, OM could just turn around and go after the next married woman in line - running the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit or a crazed husband coming to the workplace and shooting the place up. At the very least it would put OM on notice that his antics will no longer be tolerated.

Agreed. It's one of my lasting regrets that I never exposed OM at his office. My FWW's life isn't the only one he ruined.


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Originally Posted by bitbucket
I still think you should expose OM at work. His employer should know the truth about why one of their employees quit with no notice. For all the employer knows, OM could just turn around and go after the next married woman in line - running the risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit or a crazed husband coming to the workplace and shooting the place up. At the very least it would put OM on notice that his antics will no longer be tolerated.

I AGREE. It will be a warning to him that he better not come sniffing around again.

Northwood, you are doing an AWESOME job of affair proofing your marriage! Your next steps will determine if your marriage really recovers or if it just remains a crippled version of the pre-A marriage. The way to recover your marriage is to create a romantic relationship using these concepts. That is the definition of a real recovery. I would put together a plan NOW because the vacuum your wife feels from the loss of her affair needs to be filled with something else, which hopefully is a great marriage.

If your wife doesn't want to go to counseling - and I can't say I blame her - I would get the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook [they sell it cheap on the MB bookstore] and use the worksheets in there to follow the program outlined in Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters. The fastest way to fall in love again is to schedule 25-30 hours of undivided attention per week, meeting the top 4 intimate needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Without kids, tv or other distractions. Pull out the Undivided Attention worksheet in the back of that workbook, make copies and get into the habit of scheduling UA every week.

I would put together a plan for recovery NOW, northwood. Having no plan is a plan to fail.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Agreed. It's one of my lasting regrets that I never exposed OM at his office. My FWW's life isn't the only one he ruined.
North, what is your WW going to say as the reason she is resigning from her job?


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
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Agreed. It's one of my lasting regrets that I never exposed OM at his office. My FWW's life isn't the only one he ruined.
North, what is your WW going to say as the reason she is resigning from her job?

She already quit and just gave them one of those generic form letters that you get off the internet.


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Hey folks, wanted to run this by you and see what you thought. Mainly, I need to know if this is normal or not.

WW has set up a new email account for keeping a journal. I don�t feel right posting all of it, but need some insight. If y�all think I should delete this post, please advise. These are her words...


I figured this would be a good place to write my thoughts. this goes against all RULES set in place. MY gosh it is an email account that H doesn't have the password to!!! Im such a rebel! I am allowed to have my own thoughts for a minute! Not really because I know my keystrokes are being monitored.

Feeling somewhat trapped again. but i know it is the right thing to do for the kids. at this point i want nothing to do with my family or anyone else who knows of my actions. mostly because of embarrasement. so if that is the case i know it was wrong. i have issuses but now i have resentment in being treated like a teenager and a prisoner. All my previous email accounts have been shut down, i have quit my job with no notice, H has taken my cell phone until the number has changed and siad haid that he doesn't want the new number to have text or internet. I can understand some of the things and requests but some this is a lot to take in at once. I feel like a prisoner who has been strippd of her rights. It was the texting and internet on the phone that pissed me off. I mean really, if i wanted to get on the internet and contact OM I could always go to the library, but I'm not. I made a decison for my kids sake and I am going to stick by it, as long as my sanity can take it.

What did H think I was going to do? If I called OM, my dad would know, he gets the bill. Hell, my dad even tried to call OM yesterday. Don't know what he would have said.

H keeps saying that everyone is behind me and supports me. I have no clue what that means. I [censored] up and everyone is behind me? I don't want to see or talk to anyone for a long time.
I am now a prisioner in my own life and body.

I have issues to work out in my mind, body and soul. Can I do that and be a prisoner at the same time? I don't mind H having the passwords to my email accounts but i need one place to vent and as an outlet and this will be my place.

I want and need a better relationship with God. I truly believe that if I can get that back so many other things will fall into place. Maybe I can fall in love with H, maybe not. Maybe I can resolve relationship issues with my mom, maybe not. But at least I can be at peace with myself and in my heart which is what I need more than anything.

I did meet a great pastor yesterday. He really helped me come to some answers and get me on a track, which was good because, I was so far off. He is the one who said that if I can get my relationship right with God that everything there is Hope for everything else and everything else will fall in place like it should.

Threre are moments when I really am ok. I have been sorting through bills trying to create a budget trying to make this work. Then I call my dad and ask him to change my number and he asks if he needs to take texting off the phone and I feel like a GOD DAMN 10 year old who needs someone to hold their hand while they piss on a pot. For [censored] sake. Yes I [censored] up. But does everyone and their [censored] MOTHER have to remind me of this and then tell me they are proud of me. What the [censored] are they so [censored] proud of??!! That I made the decision they wanted me to make!!! That THEY felt was best. Well [censored] Them all. I made the decision that was best for me and best for my children. IF one more person tries to pat my head and tell me what a good girl I am I am going to SCREAM!!!

I am saying forget DD�s party. she is 3 and won't remember. I can't handle being around family and having them stare at me and knowing they have all been thinking and talking about what I have done behind my back.

If I really wanted to I could stay in contact with OM. But I don't. I know i have a long way to go in the trust factor that is understandable, i get that but i am ready to move on with my life and with my kids.

Can i scream yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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2 things that jumped out at me.

1. She seemed to indicate that she knows you have a keylogger which would mean what she is writing is for your benefit.

2. At some point, (the vets will tell you to wait awhile so your intel isn't compromised) you should get her to come here. As a FWW, I would LOVE to talk to her as I'm sure would many others.

Whether she made up the above post for your benefit or not remains to be seen; however, I can definitely relate to some of her feelings. I will say you are doing the right thing. Sure she can go to the library and contact him but it is soooo much harder.

My DH didn't make me change phones but mine is closely monitored and we did change e-mail addresses but kept the old ones for awhile because all the kids school stuff was already done. He checks those as well...in fact, his phone alerts him when I recieve a new e-mail so he can check it before I do.

Good luck, you have done well.

Be her rock, you are taking an addict away from her drug and it is hard but she will respect you for it.

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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
WW has set up a new email account for keeping a journal. I don�t feel right posting all of it, but need some insight. If y�all think I should delete this post, please advise. These are her words...

ok, color me confused. Why would she set up an email account as a dear diary? All she has to do is open up a WORD doc. Do you have any idea why she would open an email account to write that?

Could she be testing to see if you will find out?



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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