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I dont think I've ever looked at any website as much as I do this one. I'm on at least twice an hour looking for additional responses. Somehow it just makes me feel better... Being among people who have been there, understand where you are and are supporting you is a good habit.  Another critical thing about this site is that we don't know your wife, but we know your wayward. KWIM? We've got the luxury of distance plus experience. It's a good place to get perspective.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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OK radio silence, so shes still mad. Might be weeks or months, or maybe never. But you did the right thing.
Either way if she is gone you didn't lose her because you exposed. IF shes gone for good, BIG IF, then she was already gone.
Work the plan without being needy. Work on yourself. And this is her fault, no one elses.
FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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Anybody think it's a good idea to mail her any of the Harley's books and maybe she'll read it and have some ah-ha moment? If so which one would you pick?
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No. Not a good idea right now.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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No thats pushing way too hard. In fact emailing every three days is pushing it. You should make sure she knows the road back is there, and work on yourself. Let her see you doing it.
Shes watching, and if she went a week without an email she might start feeling like she needed to check in.
You are trying to strike a fine balance here. Mailing her a book is at best way too pushy, at worst makes you seem desparate. _ you're not.
FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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Totally Agree! 
Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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received email from their boss...he referred to a level higher..we'll see what happens I think he said he got an email from "their" boss (WW and OM's) and that boss is referring it to a higher level. At this point, you should follow up with a copy of that email attached to a LETTER that you mail to the company. Send it certified mail and keep copies of what you sent and the bosses' acknowledgement. You can use this later if you need it. I don't think you've been served either and I've worked in the legal field for many years. Service is usually in person by a disinterested third party or through certified mail in some states. In fact, I went and looked this up under the Illinois statutes. It says: (735 ILCS 5/2‑202) (from Ch. 110, par. 2‑202)
Sec. 2‑202. Persons authorized to serve process; Place of service; Failure to make return.
(a) Process shall be served by a sheriff, or if the sheriff is disqualified, by a coroner of some county of the State. A sheriff of a county with a population of less than 2,000,000 may employ civilian personnel to serve process. In counties with a population of less than 2,000,000, process may be served, without special appointment, by a person who is licensed or registered as a private detective under the Private Detective, Private Alarm, Private Security, Fingerprint Vendor, and Locksmith Act of 2004 or by a registered employee of a private detective agency certified under that Act. A private detective or licensed employee must supply the sheriff of any county in which he serves process with a copy of his license or certificate; however, the failure of a person to supply the copy shall not in any way impair the validity of process served by the person. The court may, in its discretion upon motion, order service to be made by a private person over 18 years of age and not a party to the action. It is not necessary that service be made by a sheriff or coroner of the county in which service is made. If served or sought to be served by a sheriff or coroner, he or she shall endorse his or her return thereon, and if by a private person the return shall be by affidavit.
(a‑5) Upon motion and in its discretion, the court may appoint as a special process server a private detective agency certified under the Private Detective, Private Alarm, Private Security, Fingerprint Vendor, and Locksmith Act of 2004. Under the appointment, any employee of the private detective agency who is registered under that Act may serve the process. The motion and the order of appointment must contain the number of the certificate issued to the private detective agency by the Department of Professional Regulation under the Private Detective, Private Alarm, Private Security, Fingerprint Vendor, and Locksmith Act of 2004.
...
(735 ILCS 5/2‑203) (from Ch. 110, par. 2‑203)
Sec. 2‑203. Service on individuals.
(a) Except as otherwise expressly provided, service of summons upon an individual defendant shall be made (1) by leaving a copy of the summons with the defendant personally, (2) by leaving a copy at the defendant's usual place of abode, with some person of the family or a person residing there, of the age of 13 years or upwards, and informing that person of the contents of the summons, provided the officer or other person making service shall also send a copy of the summons in a sealed envelope with postage fully prepaid, addressed to the defendant at his or her usual place of abode, or (3) as provided in Section 1‑2‑9.2 of the Illinois Municipal Code with respect to violation of an ordinance governing parking or standing of vehicles in cities with a population over 500,000. The certificate of the officer or affidavit of the person that he or she has sent the copy in pursuance of this Section is evidence that he or she has done so. No employee of a facility licensed under the Nursing Home Care Act or the MR/DD Community Care Act shall obstruct an officer or other person making service in compliance with this Section.
(b) The officer, in his or her certificate or in a record filed and maintained in the Sheriff's office, or other person making service, in his or her affidavit or in a record filed and maintained in his or her employer's office, shall (1) identify as to sex, race, and approximate age the defendant or other person with whom the summons was left and (2) state the place where (whenever possible in terms of an exact street address) and the date and time of the day when the summons was left with the defendant or other person.
(c) Any person who knowingly sets forth in the certificate or affidavit any false statement, shall be liable in civil contempt. When the court holds a person in civil contempt under this Section, it shall award such damages as it determines to be just and, when the contempt is prosecuted by a private attorney, may award reasonable attorney's fees.
(Source: P.A. 95‑858, eff. 8‑18‑08; 96‑339, eff. 7‑1‑10.) Here is the statute, if you want to read the whole thing. Illinois Service of Process
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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What did the attorney say about service? Did he think you've been served? Did the subject even come up? If not, you should go back to him and let him know that you were not officially served and that the papers were slid under your door. The lawsuit will get dismissed within a certain amount of time if she can't prove "legal" service or give a good reason that service is not possible.
Hopefully, your attorney hasn't already filed an answer, which would make service a moot point.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 01/23/11 10:26 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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He said it probably wasn't served correctly but he just kind of blew it off...but nobody has been back to serve it (i've been at home) so it seems like they think it is proper...he hasn't filed anything yet...i basically told him that i want to delay the divorce still mid may or so...i'm not really contesting anything so he said he can just use discovery of assets to try to delay it and shouldn't be a problem...i'm not counterfiling for anything...
As far as contacting her, I'm thinking of just emailing her near the end of this week to maybe hang out..and if she still doesn't respond not contact her for two weeks...i honestly don't think she'll contact me first...it's all a game really...who knows if what i'm doing is right or what she's thinking when I email her
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He said it probably wasn't served correctly but he just kind of blew it off...but nobody has been back to serve it (i've been at home) so it seems like they think it is proper...he hasn't filed anything yet...i basically told him that i want to delay the divorce still mid may or so...i'm not really contesting anything so he said he can just use discovery of assets to try to delay it and shouldn't be a problem...i'm not counterfiling for anything...
As far as contacting her, I'm thinking of just emailing her near the end of this week to maybe hang out..and if she still doesn't respond not contact her for two weeks...i honestly don't think she'll contact me first...it's all a game really...who knows if what i'm doing is right or what she's thinking when I email her It shouldn't be difficult for your attorney to check the court dockets for anything concerning you. I think she just slid those papers under your door. Um, abc? I think all the emails and the book are a little much. Let's see what everybody says about that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He said it probably wasn't served correctly but he just kind of blew it off Huh? Are you sure you understood him? Service is one of the most important tasks in a lawsuit. Until it is done properly, the case cannot move forward. I agree with MB, you can check online for most counties to see if the docket reflects service. A game? Really? One of the biggest mistakes a BH makes is to appear too needy and chasing after his WW. Plan A which includes letting her know that you are WILLING to meet her needs but be careful about overdoing it to the point of stalking. I wouldn't send her any books, you can't educate a WW.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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checked docket..says it was properly served...don't know if that can be contested
So how often should i try contacting her? once a week, once every couple of weeks?? or wait for her to contact me? i just don't know
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Lets stop panicking for a minute. Lets work on you, go to gym, eat right, take care of yourself.
When you're in a good place, then lets write WW.
She can smell fear. You did the right thing, showed leadership and a spine and now you are endangering that.
Take it easy!
FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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I don't think I'm panicking. I honestly just want a plan of action..what's the best thing to do...
I'm doing much better...learning to be alone again..eating, starting to work out..etc
thanks
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I talked to her cousin yesterday who herself was a BS. She seemed to understand my story. Said she would talk to my wife and her parents. See if that does anything...
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she sent this email to my parents today:
HI
So i just want to send this last email to you all. I know you have your thoughts and ideas about why this marriage is over, and i'm sure they are wrong. i know they are wrong. abc098 is convinced that it is because of this "other guy" and either you have helped convince him or he has convinced you of this as well. but please realize and understand that he has nothing .... NOTHING .... to do with why the marriage is over. maybe you don't want to believe that your son could ever treat someone the way he did, but he did.
just think if abc098's sister was ever treated that way. u would hopefully never want that. but .... your son ... treated me badly. he belittled me, treated me like a child, manipulated me into believing that i was always wrong. and you and he may have gone to those stupid forums with these "experts" saying that i made all this up. but ask him .... did i cry a lot. did we fight a lot. did he ignore me when i cried. did he tell me that i make myself feel that way. did he get mad at me when i wanted to buy something. did he forbid me from buying things as stupid and small as a fruit bowl.
our last night in vegas ... did he tell you what he called me. let me tell you. we fought because i lost some money. but he did too. he refused to show me any sort of affection, not even hold my hand. i got upset. so like always he got mad at me for getting upset. and when i brought it up again .... we fought ... he yelled at me ... made me cry .... didn't care i was crying ..... yelled at me more ... and then he had the audacity to call me a [censored]. yes a [censored]! is that right? no! that was my last straw. i can not and never will get over that.
now .... abc098 has convinced himself of this "other guy" and you know what ... all he wants now is revenge. and its hard to believe that you would allow/encourage his behavior of
1. sending threatening emails
2. airmailing (sending a letter via us postal service) to this "other guy's" parents making them worried for his life
3. contacting my work .... my colleagues new and old .... the faculty .... the administration ... ur personal life out in front of your professional life. is that right? i mean how would you and he feel if I told his work how he is acting?! i never would because i'm not like that but still. and that is why he has a restraining order to never contact work again
4. and this lawsuit .... he is doing it to get revenge .... but does he and you not realize that this is a public record for anyone to get a hold of and it could hurt himself .... all this lawsuit is is treating me like a piece of property ... which is how he treated me most of our relationship
i mean help him move on and not in a vengeful way .... he's upset because he has been hurting for months ... when i had been hurting for years ... and no matter what he said i did tell him many times. you can support him without supporting wrongful actions.
i'm sure you are still not convinced but you will never be. but its time to move forward and these actions are not helping.
my family will never allow me to return to someone like him.
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Kneejerk response to exposure. We told you she would be livid.
The best response your parents could give is:
"We condemn your adultery. We support our son's efforts to save his marriage."
That should be the end of it.
Ride out the storm. This is a normal response to exposure.
But again, what is your motivation to save something with someone you have no kids with?
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Kneejerk response to exposure. We told you she would be livid.
The best response your parents could give is:
"We condemn your adultery. We support our son's efforts to save his marriage."
That should be the end of it.
Ride out the storm. This is a normal response to exposure.
But again, what is your motivation to save something with someone you have no kids with? ITA. They should not get into a dramatic back-and-forth with her. She is obviously spinning this in true wayward fashion. She knows it. They know it. The less they say, the better. I would add only one thing (see my red insert below.) Let's not let her wiggle out of her true marital state. "We condemn your adultery. We support our son's efforts to save his and your marriage."
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!
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But again, what is your motivation to save something with someone you have no kids with? I love her. I think the "fog" is contributing a lot to this. I made mistakes as she mentioned and I want to be able to correct them. This is not my wife, she is an alien and I want my wife back. Plus either way, right now there's not much I'm actively doing. The exposure is done. She's not talking to me anymore and I've been advised here to not contact her very often so if it ends up working out it does, if not it doesn't.
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I love her. I think the "fog" is contributing a lot to this. I made mistakes as she mentioned and I want to be able to correct them. This is not my wife, she is an alien and I want my wife back.
Plus either way, right now there's not much I'm actively doing. The exposure is done. She's not talking to me anymore and I've been advised here to not contact her very often so if it ends up working out it does, if not it doesn't. Was she correct about the restraining order being filed against you?
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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