Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by RMX
God I hope the WW didn't make up a Domestic Violence charge and get him thrown in jail.

Seen it happen so often in the WW's playbook.

Hopefully he had the VAR in place.

I could see the POSOW coaching the WW on what to say to get the evil husband out of the way for thier master plans


No worries. VAR was in place. No violence.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Originally Posted by sparks14
I know many of you will think that I failed by not setting the atomic bomb of exposure. I still believe that if my wife is in fact gay, forcing her out of the closet could be damaging. As pissed off as I am about the affair, I really do think my wife is having some serious sexual orientation questions. She said that they have haunted her since she was a girl, but she has tried to ignore them.

She isn't gay and I have no idea why you are buying into it. Yes - it will cause problems exposing her - problems for HER and the AFFAIR that is. Why are you enabling her? You will end up divorced. That is the course you have set right now. You are delusional if you think this will have a different outcome.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
I still believe that if my wife is in fact gay, forcing her out of the closet could be damaging.
My understanding of homosexuality is that the damaging thing is having to stay 'in' the closet.



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by sparks14
I still believe that if my wife is in fact gay, forcing her out of the closet could be damaging. As pissed off as I am about the affair, I really do think my wife is having some serious sexual orientation questions. She said that they have haunted her since she was a girl, but she has tried to ignore them.

This is a load of crap, sparks. She has no confusion about her "sexual orientation," she likes to swing both ways. BUT.. guess what? She is married. She had better ignore her "questions" about adultery/homosexuality while she is a married woman. Lots of married people feel urges to commit adultery, it doesn't mean it is right and doesn't mean they are justified in acting on it. Sin is sin.

Dont' let her whitewash this or justify this as "being gay." Your wife is a married woman who is committing adultery. PERIOD. She is trying to spin the story into some kind of PC folklore about "coming out of the closet!" followed by some heart wrenching psychobabble chick flick on A&E. Don't fall for that crap.

Call up her parents and everyone else and expose this damn affair, sparks. There is a major reason she doesn't want this exposed and that is because she knows shining the light of truth on her affair WILL BE RUINOUS TO HER AFFAIR.

THAT IS YOUR JOB.

You have one chance to save your marriage and that is if you kill this affair. That chance comes from exposure. You have a very small window here and if you blow it you may blow your marriage if she gets to these people before you do. If she gets to them first, the story will go like this:

"I am coming out of the closet. I have hidden my homo tendencies all my life and while I love my H, I just could not live with the pain of hiding my true nature, blah, blah, blah, I have spoken to sparks and he says he will support me so we are getting a divorce and he fully supports my decision.."

So when you call they will view it as an embittered husband trying to exact revenge.

Whereas if you call, you would frame it in its proper perspective: "My wife is having an affair with a woman at work. I am trying to save my marriage and am asking that you use your influence........ " If they have any questions about the homosexual angle of this, you can explain what Dr Harley has said about this.

But do you see the difference in the presentation? It will make a huge difference in the amount of support you recieve from family and friends. AND YOU NEED all the support you can get, my friend!!

So please get on the phone today and start calling these people asking for their support. It will be RUINOUS TO HER AFFAIR and you cannot afford to lose that bullet.

Quote
She told me that she was further along than she ever felt that she could be. I offered her my emotional support. She exclaimed, "I think I'm gay!"

I just want to caution you about offering support. NO SUPPORT should be offered if she continues her affair. ONLY support to end her affair and come back to the marriage. If you live in a fault state, I would also be telling her that you plan on filing on grounds of ADULTERY if this goes to legal action.

spars, don't stop now, my friend. If you are going to make it you need to rain HOLY HELL on this affair. Stop protecting her from the consequences of her actions and continue standing up for your marriage and your son!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
Sparks it looks as if you have 2 alternatives if you do not expose...
1 = divorce on your WW terms and all that contains

or

2 = you stayed married.. she keeps girlfriend ... you pay emotionally and financially for it all

not too attractive either one.

consider also what has worked so far ...
the advice from family and your own thoughts .... how did they do???
is the affair ending ???
does your ww want the marriage back???

ask the vets who used Dr Harley's system how they went?

No one can give you guarantees ..only the best chance to succeed.


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
Originally Posted by sparks14
If I stay positive, and she gets through these questions of her sexuality, maybe she does come back to our family. If not, at least I can be an active and positive influence to my boy.

Sparks ~
You are being "Gaslighted"...
"G A S L I G H T E D"...
Manipulative Abusers such as your WW & OW are "masters" at bringing you into their "fog"!!!
If you go there, if you stay there, you will die emotionally, mentally!
Please read this article. If ANY part of it applies to you, my friend, you need to be equipped physically, emotionally & mentally to counter it!
http://www.myspace.com/gaslighting/blog/355858023
God Bless ~
smile



"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 66
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 66
I sense a calm over you Sparks. Maybe for a man, it is easier to think that my wife left me for another woman. You are unable to compete with another woman. It is not the blow to your ego that "your wife left you for another MAN". Men have the competitive nature born to them. You know that you will never be measured by this other woman. This is my two cents worth. It may be very off base, and if so, please accept my apology. PLEASE do not let her off with, I am gay, I want to have a girlfriend, my ex-husband and I remain close friends and co-parent our son. That is BULL! If she is "in love" with another person and is willing to let her family go......ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE!

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
If she ultimately comes to the decision to leave the marriage and live as a lesbian because she wants to be true to herself....that is her right.
She can not continue an extramarital affair though, shouldn't even though she is trying to work it out with therapy. She could spend a decade or more mulling it over and trying to find her authentic self.
You do not need to keep this secret of hers. Being open and spreading the truth of your family's situation is best, even for your poor wife.
She can decide to explore this life but she doesn't get to decide who knows about her journey.

You do not need to hide her truth.

She will be angry and make comments to you about how she could never be true to you after your exposure, but, you will be in the same place basically. The plus is your son will know you calmly, honestly tried to deal with the situation and he will use that knowledge as he makes his way through life and being a good man who stands for something. A boy's role model is his father. No matter what happens in your marriage, consider the model you set for your son.

Be honest. Be no one's secret keeper. Be true. Be brave even if it means riling a liar up (WW). To heck with her choices that got her in a marriage to you and then veared towards OW. To heck with her running the marriage and family into a ditch. Really. To heck with that. Don't enable that. Don't feed into that.

Be true to yourself and your son.

Maybe things will be okay with you and WW in the future, maybe not.

Stand true to fathering your child and to being a good, understanding but not manipulated man.

Last edited by reading; 01/28/11 10:56 AM.






Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Just checking in with you sparks, hope things are looking up for you.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
check out divorcebusters...he's there

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Never heard of that site--would he get good advice?


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
The last I checked...he was getting called on the carpet because he invaded his WW's privacy by reading her e-mails.

so....no

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
The last I checked...he was getting called on the carpet because he invaded his WW's privacy by reading her e-mails.

so....no

Just read part of it, what a mess.

Wish he'd come back over here, but thanks for giving an update...I had wondered what happened to him.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
I thought about going over there and getting him, but I doubt it would work.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 397
X
Xau Offline
Member
Offline
Member
X
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 397
I suggest letting this post die as the same user name is on a third forum. Said he is not in agreement with the MB process.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Xau
I suggest letting this post die as the same user name is on a third forum. Said he is not in agreement with the MB process.
ITA. Let it drop. He's trashed Dr. H and has rejected our advice, so there is no point in keeping this bumped up.

Which I am now guilty of. smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
Just reading through this post.

Sparks you had very good advice even though it is "out of the box".

Just to let you know when my XH (notice the X) I joined DB -- was kind to him, tried to understand him, befriend him.

Sue he was happy because I "ignored" the affair and it kept getting stronger while I was happy with the little crumbs he threw my way.

Affair started 6/08, joined DB and switched over to MB in 1/09. Did finally expose but it was too late to end the A. It thrived and grew all that time. I always have regrets that I did not find this site first.

If your WS gay or not she is in an A and it WRONG. You exposed to your family so they could "support you". It is her family and friends that need to know.

You are caught up on the gay thing. In that case just expose that your WS has been having an A since she was 4 months pregnant and it is destroying your family.

Sparks look at my tagline...D since 09. It has devastated myself and my daughters. No greater pain than this. I wish that I have been more proactive and took a hard line with the A.



Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
Just checked back in to reread some of the advice given. I am not bashing the site or the advice given here.

You have to understand (and I am sure that nearly all of you have been there), that I was and still am in shock and lost.

There are two fundamental differences in MB and DB (the only two I have actively posted on), and that deals with the exposure piece. I know the stance I will get here, and I know the stance I will get there.

I did expose to my family and forced the exposure to hers. This caused a ton of trauma. She may be hiding behind the closet on this one, so in the end, I do understand how it may have effected her personally. As much as the affair destroyed me, being forced out of the closet is also a extremely difficult process to except. I am not sure if anybody on this board has gone through that.

The exposure has also caused me to push my family back on this one. Have you ever had five family members in your ear on a daily basis given you "their" very biased opinions. It is maddening. I got to a point where I asked them to just stop and listen when I needed to vent. As far as her parents, they are outraged and humiliated. They have been on her [censored] since the start.

Since the night I exposed, I have shelved the affair. Her therapist asked her to stop contact (she rejected my no contact letter demand at first). When I asked her why her therapist said no contact, she said that her therapist said so since I demanded it. Wife says that her feelings for the OW have not stopped just because I demanded that they stop contact.

Right now, my wife and I are working through trust issues in couples therapy. Soon, we will work on rebuilding our marriage. It will be a long and patient process. My wife needs to figure out where her sexual identity lies. I am staying firm that I will not allow the affair to continue. She knows the consequences. At the same time, I told her that I will remain patient while we work on the two of us together. I told her that I will fight for our marriage until the end. If it does not work out, and my wife is indeed a lesbian waiting to come out, I will know that our relationship is stronger and co-parenting our son will be filled with less venom.

So in the end, I was surprised to find that posters have been checking other websites to see where I was in my journey and for some to even bash my decisions.

I will keep an eye on this site as I will DB. Maybe I will be back in the end and have many tell me I told you so. Maybe I will check back here every once in awhile to ask for a different side of advice. Right now, I am just a very confused man that is trying to get positive advice to save my marriage if it is even possible.

Thanks to those that have cared and posted. I will still be around.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 373
Sparks,

I was not bashing your decision. I was feeling badly that you are getting into trouble for reading e-mails that contained information vital to your life.

I am also worried about you getting rid of those e-mails. I am coming at this as a FWW.

When my affair was first discovered, I was very intersted in protecting my AP and keeping access to my kids. Even during that time, my kids came first and I would do anything to keep them. ANYTHING....including lie to get the information destroyed that would ruin my chances at custody. You would have been my dream husband as you are behaving now.

Thankfully my BH was not.

My BH still has my e-mails...I know where they are. I will not destroy them nor ask him to. I will keep my kids....by staying with their father.

Good luck

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
Sparks,

I was not bashing your decision. I was feeling badly that you are getting into trouble for reading e-mails that contained information vital to your life.

I am also worried about you getting rid of those e-mails. I am coming at this as a FWW.

When my affair was first discovered, I was very intersted in protecting my AP and keeping access to my kids. Even during that time, my kids came first and I would do anything to keep them. ANYTHING....including lie to get the information destroyed that would ruin my chances at custody. You would have been my dream husband as you are behaving now.

Thankfully my BH was not.

My BH still has my e-mails...I know where they are. I will not destroy them nor ask him to. I will keep my kids....by staying with their father.

Good luck

Thanks for the reply Sunny. In the end, the emails could be very damaging. In our very conservative county, the emails alone could and probably would have granted me full custody of my son. Even if we end up splitting, this is not what I want. I even talked to my wife about us going through a mediator to agree to 50/50 in the very worst case scenario. Our couples therapist even said that we could write something out and have it notarized that states that my wife did indeed have an affair and that we have agreed to 50/50 custody. As far as assets, we really don't have any. She told me that she only wants the things that are special to her (her grandmother's furniture etc.) She said that she does not want the house that I bought while we were just dating. Mediation could fix that as well. The only things those emails could have done is cause more pain and fear. I do not want her to come back to my marriage because she fears I will take sole custody or that her parents will disown her. I want to save our marriage based on a rebuilding of trust and honesty. Maybe this is a pipe dream. Maybe I am vulnerable or naive right now, becuase I being wuss due to the love I have for my wife and the compassion I still hold for her even in the wake of the most devastating thing she could have done to me.

For all purposes, the A is over. Wide has agreed with her therapist, me, and our couples therapist. Now is the time for me to work WITH my wife to get us back on the right track.

Page 6 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 106 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5