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Originally Posted by Tom2010
Our wedding day was so long ago that it almost predates the first Super Bowl!

Tom, not to get off this very important topic here, but...since you brought up the SB.....

STEELERS GONNA KICK YOUR PACKERS BUTTS RIGHT BACK TO CHEESEHEAD LAND!! dance2GO BLACK & GOLD.....GOIN' FOR 7...YEAH, BABY!

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Originally Posted by Mulan
The problem is, I don't know what to do with love that sits unclaimed and unwanted. You can't just throw it away like trash - the WS already did that.

I think that's a problem every BS/XBS has. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. And if any of YOU figure it out, please let me know!

Thanks again Mulan, for stating the issue so clearly and concisely.
Now I feel relieved that I was not able to think of a solution.
It's definitely above my pay grade.
Definitely goes into the "God Box". pray



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Even the fact that we have spent 0 minutes together in 13+ months and I still love him boggles my mind.

Scotty, reading your thoughts on this, I must ask...do you think you could be "in love" with the fantasy of who you thought your WH to be? (Mel, don't beat me up for using psychobabble! This is a real issue for many of us!).

So you say you are still in love with your H even though you have spent no time with him in the past 13 months which is leading me to believe that you are actually "in love" with who you THOUGHT he was when you were still living together.

We ALL do this, I did this too. Noodle, an old poster from here was able to clearly describe this and nail me on it. There was no good reason I should have had "in love" feelings for my H when I was in Plan B ~ the year leading up to my Plan B had been TORTUROUS ~ the mental cruelty and emotional abuse was hideous. The lies and manipulation were insane.

Yet during Plan B I thought I was still "in love" with him and Noodle pointed out that it was impossible ~ that really, I was in love with who I "thought" he was prior to the A. I had built him up in my own mind to be someone he really wasn't. I needed to be honest with myself and see him for who he clearly WAS ~ not see him for who I wanted him to be.

This made sense to me and when I began seeing the truth in this and accepting him for who he WAS (not who I WANTED him to be), the "in love" feelings began to disappear. That was actually a good thing for me because when we got into recovery I had a clearer understanding of what to expect and what needed to change. He was no longer the perfectly loyal, faithful H who put his wife and family first ~ he was a flawed man who was married to a very flawed woman.

I hope this isn't too jumbled ~ I'm sorry if it's not making any sense to you. I can't seem to get my thoughts straight today.





Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Makes sense to me, MF.

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Glad it makes sense to someone! wink


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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bump

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MF, it does make sense to me. This thread has really made me think about the whole sitch.

Throughout this year, I have come to realize that my WH has had weak boundaries around women from the start of our relationship. There may have been other affairs. He may have even been the OM in someone's marriage while we were still dating. I don't actually know for sure and I may never know.

When I was exposing, I heard things like, "I can't believe it. He loves you and those boys so much." Even his sister, whom is in a 5 year A right now, said, "But my brother wouldn't do that. He was so against my A that he stopped talking to me(he has since re-connected with her)." These comments solidified for me the fact that this wasn't something that anyone else believed my WH could do either. But that is pretty typical for most waywards.

I think that after reading what was written on this thread(Thank you everyone and especially Pep), that I can focus on what I need to do and not worry about the love that is left for my WH. It is not abnormal to still feel love for my WH. I was getting focused on how to get rid of the love I have left, now I realize that it will most likely remain so I need to work around it, KWIM?

I am still a work in progress and I thank you all for giving me this nudge. I will be able to focus more on what I need to do than worry about something that I can't really change anyways(my love for WH). Geez I think I have heard that somewhere before. wink


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I don't think you need to "worry" about the love you still feel for your WH...I think that it will take care of itself as time goes on.

Remember to focus on the "fantasy" of your WH that you had/have...much of your feelings are based on a fantasy and if you do not allow yourself to focus on those fantasies these feelings will eventually fade.

(((Scotty))) I am sorry you are hurting so badly. frown


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I don't really feel like I am hurting much. I actually feel better than I did last year. That lapse in Plan B, where I read OW's FB page, sent me for a real tailspin. I have been recovering from that and it has turned my thoughts to the A once again. I know that it was something that I won't repeat, besides, I promised. laugh

I feel like I have thread jacked too much here. Maybe I should continue these discussions on my own thread. Thanx again everyone.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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This discussion has helped me a lot.
Thanks everyone.

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{{{{{Scottie}}}}}},

I have some comments to make, but I'm having a hard time putting the thoughts down coherently.... crazy

I hate when that happens!!!

I did want to say Scottie and any other Plan B'er that the pain you are feeling for loving your WH while in Plan B is not a sign of failure. It's a sign of your human decency and your good nature. It's so easy for others not having to walk your journey to question your feelings or actions, however they are not the ones making the journey.

You are special my friend.....very

kiss

Not

ps...I'll try and get those thoughts in order. Sorry I couldn't help at the moment, but wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.....


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This thread helped me immensely as well. TO be continued on my thread. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks again Mulan, for stating the issue so clearly and concisely.
Now I feel relieved that I was not able to think of a solution.
It's definitely above my pay grade.
Definitely goes into the "God Box".

Yer welcome - I think it's above the pay grade of most of us.




Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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This has been a good thread yes, Thanks everyone.

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Pg 176-177 in HNHN....

"No matter how well Elaine meets Alex's needs, he will remain in love with Harriet for some time to come. Alex and Elaine can rebuild their marriage by beginning to meet each other's five basic needs. The can reignite the flames of their own love, but all their efforts may not completely extinguish the flame of love ignited by Alex's affair with Harriet. It may burn low, but it might never go out completely. Just as an alcoholic remains addicted to alcohol the rest of his life and never dares to touch another drink, Alex will remain vulnerable to Harriet for life and should not see her again.

When I tell a wife that her straying husband will always be vuneralbe to his lover, the typical reaction is often one of dispair.

"Then why should I stay with him at all?" is the common response.

"Because you love him and you want to survive this ugly mess," I answer. "I don't like telling you this any more than you like hearing it, but I've seen it too many times. You must accept the fact that your husband will be vulnerable to the other woman. But that doesn't mean you can't build a stronger love between the two of you."

You might wonder why I choose this passage since we are talking about the the love a BS has for the WS, however, I think that this passage describes the Love Bank workings better than almost anything Dr. H has ever written.

When a BS goes into Plan B, part of that reasoning is to protect the love they have for the WS. In that protection, by taking themselves out of the drama of the WS's affair, there isn't a whole lot of withdraws happening. It leaves the LB account the WS has opened at a standstill. If a BS is still in love with the WS, it will be hard for them to fall out of love if the withdraws have stopped. It is easy for most people to think that the fact the WS abandoned the BS and kept on with the affair, that that action alone would help close the account, but we've seen that isn't always the case many times on these boards. For the sake of the BS, I wish it were the case.

So now that we've established that the account isn't closed and quite possible may never truly close, we are left with how to help Plan Ber's when the account is still quite full.

From what I know of these boards, and I've been here for quite some time now, I think that as a whole we do well, especially for the new Plan Ber's. Making new routine's, trying out new adventures, focusing on themselves and if need the kids, are all wonderful and necessary steps for a BS to take.

However, sometimes the BS is in Plan B for a long time, and the next step maybe coming upon them.

I think listening to them vent is a very necessary thing, especially for us here, after all, usually IRL, friends and family have grown a bit weary of it all.

I also think though, its sometimes necessary to gently guide a Plan B'er into the next step. Some important questions can be and should be asked....

"Why do you still want you marriage to work at this point?"
"Why do you love your WS?"
"What is holding you back from taking the next step?"

They are not fun questions to ask and sometimes, the BS may get mad at them, however, in order to help ensure that the BS is not stuck were they are at, it sometimes is necessary. Doing this with compassion and love will go a long way.

This is all just my own thoughts on this and I think Pep asked a great and valid question to a sometimes hairy situation....

Not

ps...I knew this thread was prompted by Scottie's sitch. But it is quite evident on how well she is loved and admired when a friend reaches out on the "how" to help her.... hug

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Originally Posted by not2fun
I also think though, its sometimes necessary to gently guide a Plan B'er into the next step. Some important questions can be and should be asked....


Asking questions ( Socratic method ) is in my opinion, THE most effective tool we have here on MB forums.

I use it to sort out the folks I won't do well with.
I can't help everyone.
I don't like everyone.
I need to determine when there is a non-starter .... for me, not for others.



Quote
"Why do you still want you marriage to work at this point?"
"Why do you love your WS?"
"What is holding you back from taking the next step?"

I might phrase these differently, and that is the beauty of MB forums. Different posting styles is a GREAT asset to this forum !


Quote
They are not fun questions to ask

I have fun asking these sorts of questions. grin
I learn the most about MBers from the way they respond to such questions.
The MOST telling is when the questions are completely ignored!
>shrugs<

The second most telling is when an important question is asked that should require deep thought, and the response is as deep as a dry spit on a hot road.




Quote
This is all just my own thoughts on this and I think Pep asked a great and valid question to a sometimes hairy situation....

I was feeling impotent.
But, I forgot to ask God for help.
Oppsie blush rotflmao pray


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Dr. Harley and Joyce had an interesting discussion about this thread on the Feb 1 radio show. They had received an email asking for Dr. Harley's opinion on the effect of Plan B on the BS spouse's lovebank.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by armymama
Dr. Harley and Joyce had an interesting discussion about this thread on the Feb 1 radio show. They had received an email asking for Dr. Harley's opinion on the effect of Plan B on the BS spouse's lovebank.

AM

and ????? ..... please continue .....

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Originally Posted by armymama
Dr. Harley and Joyce had an interesting discussion about this thread on the Feb 1 radio show. They had received an email asking for Dr. Harley's opinion on the effect of Plan B on the BS spouse's lovebank.

AM

The show can be replayed for free here: click here


LATER: An issue on the MarriageBuilders.com infidelity forum asks about what happens to the betrayed spouse�s love toward the wayward spouse during plan B. Maria writes that she has been in plan B for several years, and still feels love for her husband even though her husband�s affair continues.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks for adding the link. I would have muddled it.

AM



BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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