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Yes I can follow a plan. Today I just need to take it i minute at a time. I need to not talk to my H today because it makes matters worse. He called from work this morning to say how much he loves me and how I was doing. I said I was ok but a little depressed and he asked why (which he allready knows the answer to) and I said you know why and then he got mad at me. Wow I just dont get it. Cheat on me and then get mad at me because I haven't gotten over it in 4 months.

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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
When I spoke to Dr. Harley on the phone he told me "MF, this is the worst thing you will ever go through...you can go through the rest of your life knowing that no situation will ever be this bad ~ you will have gone through the worst and made it."

That's a pretty powerful statement to remember.


FBW in recovery
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Originally Posted by gammies
Yes I can follow a plan. Today I just need to take it i minute at a time. I need to not talk to my H today because it makes matters worse. He called from work this morning to say how much he loves me and how I was doing. I said I was ok but a little depressed and he asked why (which he allready knows the answer to) and I said you know why and then he got mad at me. Wow I just dont get it. Cheat on me and then get mad at me because I haven't gotten over it in 4 months.

Typical wayward response.

Having a plan helped me to feel better. I hope it feels better for you too.

Today you will get the SIM card, read it and then let us know what it says. Once you have the goods, we can help you come up with a plan.

While you are waiting for the SIM card, can you give us a list here of who you think would be good exposure targets? The best are:

~your children and your parents/family if they are still alive
~OW's husband, family
~workplace if they work together
~close friends
~mutual friends of your H and the OW

I can't remember if you told us...how did they meet?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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gammies Offline OP
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I just checked with UPS the package wont be delivered until tomorrow. Grr. They met at work. She hasn't worked in the office since June 2010 and I found out about it in August after she had left. I think about the times I did things socially and she was there just looking at me....what a fool I was. She was going through a divorce and he said it made him feel good that she needed advise from him. I have no problem telling friends, even his family but I do have a problem telling my children. At this point I am having a hard time understanding telling them because I dont want them to think differently of their dad. He didn't cheat on them he cheated on me. Or is that thinking wrong?

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At this point I am having a hard time understanding telling them because I dont want them to think differently of their dad. He didn't cheat on them he cheated on me. Or is that thinking wrong?

Telling your children is crucial for a number of reasons:

1.) you don't want them thinking any of the M problems are their fault (children young and old alike will think this). They already "know" something is wrong.

2.) Never shield a person from the consequences of their bad choices. Your children SHOULD be upset with their father, that is a consequence of his affair.

3.) Seeing the horror and disgust in your children's faces when they know what a scumbag their dad is being is a nice fresh dose of reality. Your H probably has bizarre fantasies of your children "accepting" the OW and when it's very clear they won't he will get a nice wake-up call and re-think if his relationship with POSOW is worth sacrificing his relationship with his children.

These are just SOME of the reasons it's crucial to tell your children.





Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by gammies
I have no problem telling friends, even his family but I do have a problem telling my children. At this point I am having a hard time understanding telling them because I dont want them to think differently of their dad. He didn't cheat on them he cheated on me. Or is that thinking wrong?

Yes, it is wrong because lying to your children about the source of tension in your home teaches them dishonesty and causes them confusion. YES he did cheat on them when he had an affair, your kids are very much affected by his affair. Affairs can destroy their security, so they are just as much as victim as you.

They are not made happy or secure by believing lies about their father. They need to know the truth and be encouraged to ask their father why he is doing this to their family. Why is he risking their family? They have a right and a need to know that.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

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The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

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Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.


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The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

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2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

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My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by gammies
I have no problem telling friends, even his family but I do have a problem telling my children. At this point I am having a hard time understanding telling them because I dont want them to think differently of their dad. He didn't cheat on them he cheated on me. Or is that thinking wrong?

If your husband wants to have a good relationship with his children, then it is HIS JOB, not your job, to make that happen. There is no way you can make that happen for him. There is no way you can undo the consequences of his actions or cover for what he has done. Trying to do so can absolutely destroy your spirit and your health.

If your husband wants to be honored by his children, then he probably needs to live in an honorable way. Honorable men don't commit adultery and betray their wives and children. It will be up to him, not you, to regain your children's respect IF he wants it and is willing to do the work.

It will not help your children at all to go out of your way to try to get them to honor a despicable man.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I hadn't thought of it that way. My Sim Card REader wont be here until Monday because of the winter storm. That will give me what I need to make some serious decisions in my life.

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Update?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I got my sim card reader today...I have been so stressed about it. Downloaded the software and it doesn't work! PLEASE recommend a brand that does. I need this info desperately.

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We also had a very long talk this weekend. I wrote down everything I feel and everything he has done to me. I told my daughter about it all. I need the info on that sim card.....I need to know the depth of the deception. I dont know why I just do.

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Call the company and tell them it isn't working. Maybe they can walk you through it.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Installed it on a second computer....just doesnt work. Also Married Forever I have all copies of his cell phone bill because his phone is in my name. I know every phone call, every text message since it all began. There has been no contact via this means since the day I found out August 22 and I stood next to him when he called her and told her there would be no more contact with him ever again.

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It's possible he gave you a different SIM card other than the actual one from his phone, a blank one.

It's also possible he has been using a different cell phone, one you do not know about.

Waywards are very sneaky and you have to look and think outside the box sometimes to keep up with them.

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Originally Posted by gammies
Installed it on a second computer....just doesnt work. Also Married Forever I have all copies of his cell phone bill because his phone is in my name. I know every phone call, every text message since it all began. There has been no contact via this means since the day I found out August 22 and I stood next to him when he called her and told her there would be no more contact with him ever again.

The same thing happened to me. After they are caught they just get sneakier.

You already know in your gut that something isn't right and that just because it isn't showing up on your cell bill doesn't mean that NC is in place.

Can you hire a PI? Can you put a VAR in his car? Can you get access to his work computer? What about a keylogger?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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