Wielding Thunderfury, and wearing a full Fogbabble resistance set.

Small Update:

My wife finally admitted to being depressed. That she's been in denial about it for 5 years.


On the other side, she seems happy enough to send some pictures to the Jon guy.

Good day

That's because she's self-medicating her depression with the high of an affair.
Of course, we know that it will only lead to more depression in the long run.
How are things going? How are you feeling about your marriage at this point?

I'm doing fine. Ready to bail though.

I got chewed out yesterday over some old [censored]. I made mention to a video my friend posted on his wall, which was of his girlfriend DJ'ing (I like music) and she thought I was drooling over the girl. That errupted into a 3 hour session of her accusing me of wanting this girl, lying to her, hiding something, etc. I've never met this girl. I only know of her through my friend.

So yeah, tired of the B.S.

Chris, you do realize she is attacking you like this because she is blameshifting - right? She immediately comes out yapping and snapping like a terrier, backs you into a corner, and prevents you from saying anything about HER actions. She forces the focus on YOU and what she says YOU have done and makes the problems all about YOU.

She does this because it works.

Oh I know and agree. When I finally make progress she always switches it to, "Fine, whatever. It's always my fault anyways" and storms away (or logs off, whatever).

Major dilemna: The ex-gf that I left so that my wife and I could get back together (we were separated, she told me she was pregnant, I wanted to be a good father, so we reunited) has re-entered my life; and in an extremely positive way. I know it's wrong of me to get close to her while married and I'm not trying to, but I find it quite the coincidence that both of our marriages are falling apart simultaneously.

Could it be a sign? My wife says she wants to get help, fix her issues, etc but after years of lies and empty promises how can I trust her?

Chris, you are not single so STOP acting like it.


Any woman that is willing to "reenter" your life while you are still married is someone with big and someone I would stay far away from.

My wife was just a girlfriend back then and we were separated. As it stands the ex-gf is just a friend. I'm not talking about my marital problems with her and I'not trying to hook up with her. Like I said, "I know it's wrong and I'm not trying to."

Didn't realize talking to someone was acting single. To get technical I've known this person for 18 years or so. Longer than I've known my wife. She was a great friend and basically family before she became a g/f. She isn't just doing this because of my marital problems. I've actually been giving her advice on hers so our communication has basically opened back up after a year or so of not really talking.

Huh? This "someone" is an ex GF...which is a big NO-NO! And this "talking" is about your troubled marriages which is another NO-NO!!

Stay away from this MARRIED ex-GF or you will be heading into your own affair! You are already starting to sound foggy, Chris...seriously.

Your W was RIGHT to be jealous. Married people do NOT have opposite sex friendship. You need to work on your boundaries!

Chris, in the interests of heading you off at the pass:

EVERYbody has an account in our Love Banks. Their account may be in the negative (e.g., the crummy neighbor who lets his dog poop on your yard), or it may be in the positive (e.g., your W when you two first got together).

This includes your ex-GF. The scary thing is that her balance has been proven to be positive in the past, and every time you and she talk, you are both making deposits into each other's Love Banks - thereby boosting whatever balances were there already.

The tricky thing about this is that we don't come programmed with a Love Bank Balance Meter. You don't know what the magic number of Love Unit deposits is until you're past it - the point where you feel warm and fuzzy thoughts toward this person.

THAT'S why boundaries are important. Since you DON'T know when someone's going to tip their Love Bank Balance with you into "love" feelings, you have to maintain strong boundaries to protect your Love Bank - to effectively close it to any deposits other than those that are rightfully made: e.g., your wife's.

Sure, your (W)W isn't stellar at meeting your needs right now. That's why you have the board here, safe outlets in real life, etc. - NOT ex-GF's. That's got to have a huge "DANGER DANGER DANGER" sign flashing over it.

Even if your (W)W hasn't protected your M, you can.

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

ITA!!!

Appreciate the constructive post, instead of the accusations everyone else is throwing out.

I do look at it like this and I'm not trying to hit the "love threshhold." She's a lifetime friend, and yes even an ex-gf, but that doesn't mean we can't remain friends. I do not tell her my marriage problems, I'm not shooting her compliments and or trying to gain support. I'm just a friend and we just talk. The dilemna I mention is the fact that she is providing that need to me that my wife is not (communication), which at this time is one of the largest of my needs due to the physical distance. Does it deposite love units? Sure. I know this. But will it ever go past a friendship? Nope. Not unless my wife and I divorce, and it won't be because I have another girl lined up (which I don't, she's married too). I'm not okay with the "no opposite sex friends" marriage rule, it's probably the only one I don't agree with. It creates opportunities, but what doesn't? Put on some makeup, dress up nice, talk to your waiter at the restaurant, pay a cashier at a store versus buying stuff online, etc; it all creates opportunies. It's on the individual to not put themselves in a bad situation and resist temptations. If my wife can't resist temptation then she will obviously be highly encouraged to move on. To me this rule just seems like an excuse to not trust your spouse.

One thing my wife will never get rid of is male friends. I'm more than happy to give up my female friends, and I have, but she isn't. So, given that fact, I'm not going to go to any great strides to discontinue this relationship. I've already exposed it to my wife and made sure she was okay with it. I've explained to her the details of our conversations and limited information sharing. My wife is fine with it.

I know you MB worshippers will hate me and criticize me for saying that but oh well, it's not the end all be all of rules and my wife isn't part of the MB program nor will she ever be. I've looked through it, read up on it, studied it, presented it to my wife, and tried to incorporate it, but it's not happening. If only one person is on the program it's pointless.

This type of thinking is why affairs start. Once you start letting someone else meet your ENs, it is a slippery slope, Chris. You are already starting to rationalize with some foggy thinking, I think you contradicted yourself a few times in this last post.

Please don't do this. Conversation is one of the four Intimate Needs. It will soon follow that you will need to have the other three met.

You are already in your mind trying to justify this relationship. You are comparing XGF with WW.

Take care of your marriage first. R or D. Get this done first before adding this other drama. Take it from me, this is not a road you want to be traveling.

Chris, none of this is easy, regardless of the details - EA, PA, LTA, RA, you name it. It's even worse when the BS is asked to go without his or her needs being met, and their Taker is just waiting to be set free.

But no one ever said the right thing to do was also the easy thing to do. As you mentioned, this ex-GF is meeting a need for you, and I bet it feels really good to finally scratch that it, so to speak. Does that mean you should do it, though?

If you can't continue on with your (W)W's behavior, if you can't remain committed to the M and live it how she, you, and it deserve it to be, then you need to leave. You may not want to see it this way right now, but you are incredibly vulnerable and are playing with fire. You are justifying your continued need-meeting with the ex-GF, you are going outside of your M to get your needs met JUST LIKE YOUR (W)W IS (which is why you came here in the first place, remember - her betrayal of you and the M), and you seem like you're about to flip the bird to your ideal M.

I may be wrong, but please: I think more often than not it's an old flame that becomes the AP, and, as Susie said, it's a slippery slope. Once you start down it, you won't know until it's too late to turn back.