Yes, but she won't even tell us if there if NC in place. Which is usually a bad sign in my experience...

here

In other words, exposure is therapeutic, not "harmful." It is the first step towards redemption. And if someone is embarrassed or humiliated, so what? That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You SHOULD feel embarrassed if you commit adultery. If you don't you are probably a sociopath.

words like BS are really not necessary.

Someone (Willie S.? Willie Nelson?) once said "To thine own self be true". Good advice, it appears.

The irony of this entire exchange is that, becoming worried that I was morphing into a caricature version of "Waldorf" on The Muppet Show, I intentionally and with full intent dialed back my usual blast-and-scatter response.

So instead I get sneered at (by a wayward? really?) because she was ignorant of the use of the initials BS.

Barkeep! Another round - and leave the bottle!

Thank you, Markos. I appreciate that.

Wow I am a FWW and if my husband heared me talking like this he would think I was back in the affair

Can you please get your husband back here so we can help him? I am a little worried for him.

Do we know who WH is?

I'm afraid you have the wrong website. This is a very humble and open-minded group found here, and far from self-righteous. You sound very angry and confused.

I have a 20-year marriage that has survived two affairs; one by my wife and one by myself. I am certainly not narrow-minded nor self righteous. In fact, I am thankful God brought me to this website. If you took a walk in my shoes, you would find that it was probably as challenging as yours. Good luck.

Oh, and one more thing: your comment that people just don't one day decide to go have an affair. Let me ask you this: how many deliberate decisions did you have to make from the time you first saw your affair partner to the time you were naked in bed with him for this affair to happen? 20 thoughtful choices? 30? 40? 50? You see, affairs take probably 50 or more deliberate, thought-out decisions to bring an affair to fruition. And now you have to be accountable, just like me.

Here's the thing, though, GO - she hasn't actually shared with us her infidelity. And she hasn't indicated any form of (dare I say this?) humility for her actions in betraying her marital vows. Right now Humility is out to explain to us, those who have 'been there', why we are wrong to feel the way we do. It doesn't really matter whether we have recovered our marriages or not - all that matters is that we are here and available for her verbal tongue-lashing.

Humility, you will gain nothing in your favor this way. You'll just exhaust yourself fighting what is 'right'. When do you want to give up that fight?

No problem, maritalbliss. It needed to be said, and I'm honored to get to be the one to say it.

There was a time here last year one of the really good posters almost left because of the meanness flying around. I'm so glad she didn't, and I hope we don't lose any others.

And for Humility ... you really need to face up to the way you're treating people. Seriously.

Some of these posters make me think of the drunk who goes to an A.A. meeting and then gets upset when he's told that if he wants things to get better, it would help if he stops drinking.

Seriously?


Do they teach people this in AA?

My stbx/AAer ACTS this way, to get his way.

Humility(that's ironic),

Maybe you should do what you were first advised to do when you joined AA: "Shuddup and listen."

With your uncanny ability to insult good folks who are only here to help you, my guess is that you've been through many sponsors at AA who threw up their hands and thought, "I can't help this woman."

Humility is where it starts.......

But I don't see any.

Good Luck and
God's Blessings
Jerry

Dear Humility,

In addition to all other valuable answers here, I second to Tawandabelle (page 4).

Once you remove yourself from the situation, start healing your husband and your marriage, put down boundaries so it wouldn't happen again - in other words, (re)gain integrity, you will be able to detach yourself from the person you were during your adultery. It will always be a part of your past, but it won't mean it defines you forever. And then you will understand that sharing this story does not humiliate you.

Btw - I did my exposures pretty much myself (DH is not very talkative) and I was as bluntly honest as I could be, taking all the responsibility etc (the first ones were quite foggy all right, but I have corrected the story with those people). For me, this has served two purposes: increasing accountability and warning/educating others. So don't be surprised if down the road someday you will be voluntarily sharing the information about your affair as well.

And another thing... when I first came here (I had recently gone into no contact = NC), I thought almost everybody here was cruel and had really strict (and even narrow-minded) opinions Guess what... reading the thread from the beginning some months later, they didn't seem so cruel at all. As I kept reading the site, the viewpoints that had initially seemed parochial and archaic turned out to be making sense after all... Now I go around and preach them to the people near me.

So please come back, read other threads, read the articles, listen to the MB radio... You are defensive and that's what provokes the heaviest 2x4s here This might be counterproductive sometimes, I admit, but we don't treat WS-s with kid gloves here. FWS-s (or former waywards - repentant ones) on the other hand get (mostly) respectful and loving treatment... Which proves again, that the affair doesn't need to define you forever, if you do the right thing.

I believe you will choose wisely.

(Sorry for the long post.)

It's also notable that the founder of this program began his career as a PHD in psychology dealing with addicts. The prognosis; you cannot fix a marriage in which there is one active addict.

Dear Humility:

My name is Schoolbus.

I have been married since June of 1975, which gives me about 36 years of marriage under my belt.

My story:

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and former drug user. I am a recovering alcohol abuser, and former drug user. I have suffered in my childhood from severe child abuse having been physically abused by my father (one was a felony), and was raped repeatedly by a family member over the course of three years. I was also raped by two neighborhood men when I was seven years old. We can likely agree that I have "some experience" with trauma and difficulties in my life.


My marital history to date:
I had a ONS and my Husband had revenge ONS (One night stand) in 1976.
Husband had an EA (emotional affair) that I did not know about in 1979, at which time he left me for the OW (Other woman). We were separated for about 3 months or so.
Because I was really very stupid, immature, and basically a huge idiot, I dated many men during this 3 month period. My husband pursued the OW, who gave him little attention once he was "available".

Husband returned home, and I was elated.

Two nights later, husband had yet another ONS.

I took him back anyway. (Now, what was I thinking?)

Husband had EA with a woman in college in 1982 or 83. At the same time, I was having an EA with a man. We both came to our senses, given our mutual stupidity of the past. We fixed it yet again.

Husband's brother died in 1989. Husband enters into a kind of fantasy EA, wherein he somehow wants to take care of brother's widow...yet be my hubby...this fizzles out with reality. It was rough, this one. Brother's death hit him HARD.

We drift apart over the years, not meeting each other's needs. Hubby returns to the bottle. This occurs gradually over time, despite our discussions, my objections, and the obvious daily drunk-a-thon.

2005, husband has PA (Physical Affair) with a Not-so-much-of-a-friend of mine. His plan? I would never find out, it was only for sex, and nobody would ever get hurt. Not so great of a plan, because:

every. single. thing. he. planned. went. wrong.



I think my credentials speak for themselves.

I have been where your husband is right now.
I have been where YOU are right now.

You. have. not. been. where. I AM RIGHT NOW.

Because, I have some experience in RECOVERING A MARRIAGE FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE DESTRUCTION THAT I BROUGHT ON IT BY MY OWN STUPIDITY.

And

I HAVE EXPERIENCE IN FORGIVING SOMEONE

just like you.

Now that you can see that there are both wayward spouses (WS) and betrayed spouses (BS) here

and that we can be all-inclusive,

read my next post.


I have some street cred.
Schoolbus